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post | 30ok6v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,614,337 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ok6v/where_does_the_baby_come_from/ | self.jokes | null | The daddy tells his son: "You know the stork will bring your sister soon".
The boy answers: "You gotta be the greatest idiot. There's pussy all over town, and you're screwing the stork?" | Where does the baby come from | 0 |
post | 30ojwj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,614,023 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ojwj/who_is_the_funniest_boxer_of_all_time/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Who is the funniest boxer of all time? | 0 |
post | 30ojq1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,613,847 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ojq1/q_whyd_the_robber_take_a_bath/ | self.jokes | null | A: He wanted to make a clean getaway. | Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? | 1 |
post | 30ojm9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,613,756 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ojm9/do_you_know_how_i_know_that_diarrhea_is_genetic/ | self.jokes | null | It runs in your jeans. | Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? | 9 |
post | 30oiue | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,613,023 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oiue/what_kind_of_vegetable_is_the_hypest/ | self.jokes | null | a turnup obvs | what kind of vegetable is the hypest | 0 |
post | 30oiey | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,612,565 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oiey/who_was_the_funniest_boxer_of_all_time/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Who was the funniest boxer of all time? | 1 |
post | 30oiac | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,612,438 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oiac/sex_positions_for_small_penises/ | self.jokes | null | Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post? | Sex positions for small penises | 1,218 |
post | 30oi7d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,612,383 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oi7d/whats_the_difference_between_arabs_and_americans/ | self.jokes | null | American kids come home from boyscouts | What's the difference between Arabs and Americans? | 0 |
post | 30ohnx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,611,832 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ohnx/i_just_got_back_from_the_doctors/ | self.jokes | null | And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you". | I just got back from the doctors.. | 29 |
post | 30oh9s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,611,452 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oh9s/what_do_you_call_the_kinkiestnastiest_move_from/ | self.jokes | null | The Gray Poupon | What do you call the kinkiest/nastiest move from 50 Shades of Gray? | 0 |
post | 30ogvz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,611,088 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ogvz/a_man_signs_up_for_an_experimental_weight_loss/ | self.jokes | null | ......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.
Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me." He spends the rest of the day chasing her and loses five pounds.
He returns the second day and is brought to the same room. In there is an even more beautiful woman wearing a t shirt that says, "Catch me, and you can fuck me" printed on it. He chases her, catches her, and loses ten pounds.
He is brought to the same room on the third day but, instead of a beautiful woman, there is a huge, angry gorilla wearing a t shirt that says, "If I catch you, I'm gonna fuck you." | A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program...... | 43 |
post | 30og79 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,610,397 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30og79/what_do_drug_dealers_sit_on/ | self.jokes | null | KUSHions
please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is. | What do drug dealers sit on? | 0 |
post | 30oet7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,609,215 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oet7/what_do_you_call_it_when_you_kill_your_friend/ | self.jokes | null | homiecide
| What do you call it when you kill your friend? | 0 |
post | 30oe0s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,608,552 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oe0s/what_makes_a_feminist_prostitute_angry/ | self.jokes | null | She gets payed less than the transsexual prostitute. | What makes a feminist prostitute angry? | 0 |
post | 30odi5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,608,108 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30odi5/suppose_if_you_see_one_lion_catch_a_zebra_you/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | suppose if you see one lion catch a zebra, you seen a maul | 1 |
post | 30od75 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,607,871 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30od75/whats_the_best_drink_for_a_dog/ | self.jokes | null | An old faschund. | What's the best drink for a dog? | 0 |
post | 30oczh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,607,681 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oczh/whats_green_and_floats/ | self.jokes | null | a leaf | what's green and floats? | 0 |
post | 30ocwx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,607,626 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ocwx/what_country_has_the_strictest_dress_code/ | self.jokes | null | Thai-land. | What country has the strictest dress code? | 1 |
post | 30ockr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,607,354 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ockr/two_illiterate_italian_fishermen/ | self.jokes | null | are out one day. After fishing for awhile Marco says to Luigi hey Luigi, this is a really good spot. Maybe tomorrow we come back here catch alotta fish. But don't tell nobody where! We betta marka the spot! So Luigi says I'm a gonna marka the spot. later on the way home, Marco says dida you marka the spot like I tolla you?
Luigi says Yes, I put a X inna the bottom ofa the boat!
Marco says Estupidda! What iffa we donna getta the same boatta tomorrow?
| Two illiterate Italian fishermen | 2 |
post | 30obcc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,606,448 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30obcc/reddit/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Reddit | 1 |
post | 30oauw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,606,056 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oauw/what_did_one_tampon_say_to_the_other_tampon/ | self.jokes | null | Nothing, They're both stuck up cunts! | What did one tampon say to the other tampon? | 0 |
post | 30oana | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,605,884 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oana/you_see_if_you_can_tell_this_kind_of_joke_in_the/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | YOU: See if you can tell this kind of joke in the comments (simple formula), and make it actually funny | 0 |
post | 30oaad | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,605,586 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oaad/what_does_the_swedish_man_say_when_guy_goes_save/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What does the Swedish man say when guy goes "save some water for the fish"? | 0 |
post | 30oaac | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,605,585 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30oaac/what_do_smiles_eat/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do smiles eat? | 0 |
post | 30o942 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,604,737 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o942/how_do_you_cure_a_nymphomaniac/ | self.jokes | null | Marry her. | How do you cure a nymphomaniac? | 0 |
post | 30o87y | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,604,095 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o87y/weezer_first_to_rustle_jimmies_say_it_aint_so/ | self.jokes | null | (hint 1:06) | Weezer first to rustle jimmies? Say it aint so | … | 0 |
post | 30o83e | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,603,996 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o83e/what_is_the_internal_temperature_of_a_tauntaun/ | self.jokes | null | Luke warm | What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? | 513 |
post | 30o833 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,603,991 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o833/what_comes_after_a_farting_competition/ | self.jokes | null | Farty! | What comes after a farting competition? | 0 |
post | 30o7lw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,603,647 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o7lw/i_was_going_to_have_sex_with_my_xbox_but/ | self.jokes | null | It made me microsoft | I was going to have sex with my xbox but.. | 7 |
post | 30o757 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,603,325 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o757/what_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you call a cow with no legs? | 5 |
post | 30o5t4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,602,428 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o5t4/if_life_gives_you_melons/ | self.jokes | null | Check for dyslexia | If life gives you melons... | 2 |
post | 30o5sj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,602,415 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o5sj/is_there_something_on_my_face/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Is there something on my face? | 0 |
post | 30o58x | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,602,058 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o58x/why_did_microsoft_go_straight_to_windows_10/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10? | 0 |
post | 30o4sj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,780 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o4sj/whats_green_and_has_wheels/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What's green and has wheels? | 0 |
post | 30o4os | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,715 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o4os/manufacturing_landmines/ | self.jokes | null | I started manufacturing Landmines in my basement thinking that it'd be cheaper than buying them, but it still cost me an arm and a leg | Manufacturing Landmines | 3 |
post | 30o4gd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,567 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o4gd/teacher_said_whoever_answers_my_next_question_can/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Teacher said "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." | 5 |
post | 30o40m | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,262 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o40m/hey_man_want_to_buy_some_stolen_peppers/ | self.jokes | null | Careful, they're hot. | Hey man, want to buy some stolen peppers? | 0 |
post | 30o3x6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,186 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o3x6/did_you_know_that_world_war_ii_was_classified_as/ | self.jokes | null | Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called "total war", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies had to be rationed, and many raw materials went towards the war effort, used in industrial production. This led to a shortage of some fabrics such as silk and cotton.Additionally, the British government demanded food rations be given to its people. As a result, many nutritional foods were scarce.
In response to the scarcity of fabric for clothing production, a British sheep farmer named Calvin Broadus invented a new type of fabric, which he called "tweed". This fabric was made of wool, but the British military found no practical use for it in the war effort. Due to the abundance of sheep in the United Kingdom, farmers everywhere started producing tweed, as Broadus' method was circulated rapidly by the British government.
As with the military, British civilians found few practical uses of the new "wonder material". It had poor insulation, was rough to wear, and it shrunk easily when washed, and most importantly didn't look fashionable. It seemed as though the war drained British creativity too, as fashion designers could find no suitable design with tweed. They settled with creating plaid designs with a few dull colors, since these could be produced more efficiently.
As the war moved on, Germany's control of mainland Europe and the water around Britain decreased. With the Americans now in the war, Britain's military centered industry (some would say a precursor the military industrial complex) had a break. The United States, with its large amount of resources, picked up some of the slack, reducing Britain's quota of war production. This meant good news for the British textile industry, which was reduced to producing for the war. Upper class British people could afford to buy expensive fabrics that were not available to them, such as the cotton and silk mentioned above. However, since the war was still going on, these materials were extremely expensive, so only British aristocrats could buy them.
In addition, excess tweed manufacturing gave Britain a surplus- they were left with more of this useless fabric than ever. British families were given large amounts of tweed. Some people tried making the tweed into useful items, like blankets, but due to its poor ductility, it took a long time to manufacture them. With British men in the military, women took up manufacturing jobs, in addition to their duties at home, which meant they were left with little time to deal with their surplus of tweed at home.
Women in London first discovered a useful application of tweed. By sheer luck, historians claim, these women discovered that burning a strand of tweed for a long time over a fire would produce a fibrous strand that was edible and nutritious. Scientists today found out that this product was nutritious due to ammonium nitrate in the sheeps' grazing land. The process of creating this fibrous food was still long, and it took about 12 hours. In order to increase efficiency (we see a pattern here), various women would prepare this in bulk amounts in city parks. During this time period, you would see bonfires throughout open spaces in the city, since British women were burning fabric. However, historians have discovered no pictures of these events, since the British government forbade photography (or destroyed photos) of this process as not to reveal secrets to the enemy.
The British military saw a problem in the post-tweed manufacturing process. German planes would be able to spot cities since there were large "tweed bonfires" as the process of making the fibrous food extended past daytime. So, the British government mandated that tweed production into food would only occur during the day, as not to assist the nighttime German blitzkriegs. This was seen as only a mild inconvenience to city-dwelling British people, but it still took all day, from sunrise to sunset, to produce this food.
In 1945, this process died out, since the war ended. This is why you do not see people doing this today. Due to the effectiveness of British intelligence, this process had been relatively unknown to foreigners. This changed, when in 1996 a man named Cordozar Broadus was walking his dog in a park in Manchester. They reached a heavily wooded section of the park, and his curious, but nosy dog unearthed a series of tools that were used in the tweed refining process. Broadus remembered seeing his father's war notes after snooping around in the attic. His father's extremely detailed notes described the procedure of tweed production. The inspired Broadus decided to do more research into the subject, but he was shut down by the British government. In 1998, Broadus, now a musical artist, decided to slowly reveal this secret, in an album, but under an alias (so the government wouldn't suspect him).
To credit his mischievous mutt, he used the pseudonym "Snoop Dogg", and released his single, "Smoke Tweed Everyday."
| Did you know that World War II was classified as a "total war" by historians? [OC] | 0 |
post | 30o3vb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,601,149 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o3vb/til_that_an_american_captain_rick_rollof_during/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | TIL that an American captain, Rick Rollof, during the war of 1812 was stuck behind enemy lines and could not warn his men of an ambush, so he outfitted a cat with a note warning them. The cat was given a medal after the war, and a life-time supply of cat food. | 0 |
post | 30o2u2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,600,485 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o2u2/what_do_you_call_a_potato_thats_high/ | self.jokes | null | [A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg) | What do you call a potato that's high? | 10 |
post | 30o2as | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,600,118 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o2as/what_do_you_call_a_sarcastic_crimminal_going_down/ | self.jokes | null | A condescending con descending. | What do you call a sarcastic crimminal going down the stairs? | 19 |
post | 30o1ze | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,599,912 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o1ze/if_pier_1_imports_commercials_are_factually/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | If Pier 1 Imports commercials are factually accurate... | 0 |
post | 30o0i1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,599,015 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o0i1/son_are_you_going_anywhere_dad/ | self.jokes | null | Dad: No, I'm going to Romania. | Son: Are you going anywhere Dad? | 0 |
post | 30o0hw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,599,014 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o0hw/what_is_kimi_raikkonens_goal/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What is Kimi Raikkonen's goal? | 1 |
post | 30o06r | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,832 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30o06r/sorry_im_shit_faced/ | self.jokes | null | Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.
Sorry I was drunk making popcorn. | Sorry I'm shit faced | 26 |
post | 30nzyb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,686 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nzyb/what_is_a_mexicans_favorite_sport/ | self.jokes | null | Cross-country | What is a Mexicans favorite sport? | 0 |
post | 30nzu9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,611 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nzu9/michael_schumacher/ | self.jokes | null | The second most damaging German fuckup in the French Alpines. | Michael Schumacher. | 0 |
post | 30nzsm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,586 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nzsm/tifu_by_posting_on_the_wrong_subreddit/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | TIFU by posting on the wrong subreddit | 2 |
post | 30nzpj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,541 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nzpj/fulfilling_a_wild_dream_brings_in_ecstasy/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | “Fulfilling a wild dream brings in Ecstasy.”- #Cartoons, #funny, #jokes, #quotes on Nun | 1 |
post | 30nzm6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,598,482 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nzm6/what_do_you_call_the_object_that_is_always_in/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you call the object that is always in your shoe... | 1 |
post | 30ny9q | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,597,553 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ny9q/what_do_you_call_emigrates_of_sweden/ | self.jokes | null | Swedouts. | What do you call emigrates of Sweden? | 0 |
post | 30ny1b | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,597,402 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ny1b/i_ate_too_many_rowing_paddles/ | self.jokes | null | Now I feel oar-full | I ate too many rowing paddles | 2 |
post | 30nxvs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,597,296 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nxvs/what_did_the_overlyreligious_person_say_when_they/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What did the overly-religious person say when they were called a sheep? | 0 |
post | 30nxsg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,597,222 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nxsg/an_old_marine_visits_france/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | An old marine visits France | 1 |
post | 30nxpr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,597,184 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nxpr/what_is_the_best_thing_about_living_in_switzerland/ | self.jokes | null | I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. | What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? | 30 |
post | 30nwxl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,596,689 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nwxl/what_kind_of_parents_are_seethrough/ | self.jokes | null | Transparence! | What kind of parents are see-through? | 0 |
post | 30nwsz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,596,612 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nwsz/you_know_whats_addictive/ | self.jokes | null | Heroin | You know what's addictive? | 1 |
post | 30nwgl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,596,388 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nwgl/tifu_by_posting_on_the_wrong_subreddit/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | TIFU by posting on the wrong subreddit | 0 |
post | 30nw2o | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,596,171 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nw2o/today_my_chemistry_teacher_told_us_that_alcohol/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Today my chemistry teacher told us that alcohol is a problem. | 4 |
post | 30nvi0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,595,787 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nvi0/my_friend_recently_bought_a_home_near_me_at_a/ | self.jokes | null | It's only a stones throw away. | My friend recently bought a home near me at a local skimming pond | 1 |
post | 30nvdm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,595,721 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nvdm/my_girlfriend_is_100/ | self.jokes | null | She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary. | My girlfriend is √ (-100). | 19 |
post | 30nv98 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,595,642 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nv98/so_one_cow_looks_at_the_other_and_says/ | self.jokes | null | "It's getting kinda late doncha think? I wonder when Farmer Brown is gonna open up the barn to let us in."
The other cow looks at him and says: "Holy shit! A talking cow!" | So one cow looks at the other and says: | 1 |
post | 30nv8g | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,595,630 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nv8g/a_programmer_gets_upset_when_he_hears_women/ | self.jokes | null | He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?" | A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... | 90 |
post | 30ntrl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,594,715 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ntrl/why_was_adamfrom_the_bible_a_happy_guy/ | self.jokes | null | He had no mother in law | Why was Adam(from the bible) a happy guy? | 1 |
post | 30ntl6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,594,620 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ntl6/whats_black_and_screams/ | self.jokes | null | Stevie wonder answering the iron! | Whats black and screams? | 20 |
post | 30nsnt | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,594,124 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nsnt/its_ok_to_believe_in_life_after_love/ | self.jokes | null | Cher if you agree. | It's ok to believe in life after love. | 52 |
post | 30nseo | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,979 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nseo/a_guaranteed_way_to_make_a_hormone/ | self.jokes | null | Don't pay her... | A guaranteed way to make a hormone... | 0 |
post | 30ns36 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,799 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ns36/if_grandmothers_say_love_you_to_the_moon_and_back/ | self.jokes | null | Do gay men say "love you to Uranus and back"? | If grandmothers say "love you to the moon and back" | 2 |
post | 30nrwm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,703 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nrwm/this_joke_is_like_a_rapist/ | self.jokes | null | It's going to score, whether you like it or not. | This joke is like a rapist | 0 |
post | 30nrwo | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,703 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nrwo/what_is_the_most_uptight_human_instinct/ | self.jokes | null | Sex, there's hundreds of thousands of sex offenders. | What is the most uptight human instinct? | 0 |
post | 30nrq4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,594 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nrq4/talked_to_a_pilot/ | self.jokes | null | Two days ago I was flying home from Florida and there was a lot of turbulence. So as we were disembarking and the flight attendants/pilots were saying there usual "thank you for flying our airline" and as I was passing by the pilot said "I'm sorry for the bumpy ride."
I responded "No worries, at least you weren't locked out by your co-pilot." | Talked to A Pilot | 0 |
post | 30nrku | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,512 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nrku/laundromat_blues/ | self.jokes | null | Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you. | LAUNDROMAT BLUES | 0 |
post | 30nraw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,369 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nraw/do_individual_atoms_have_goals/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Do Individual Atoms Have Goals? | 4 |
post | 30nqv9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,135 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nqv9/have_you_ever_eaten_at_a_native_american/ | self.jokes | null | It's mostly corn...but you have to make a reservation. | Have you ever eaten at a Native American restaurant? | 0 |
post | 30nqmm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,593,009 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nqmm/why_was_the_bumble_bee_wearing_a_yamaka/ | self.jokes | null | Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP | Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka? | 6 |
post | 30nq03 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,592,655 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nq03/whatd_the_pirate_say_when_he_turned_80/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What'd the pirate say when he turned 80? | 0 |
post | 30npxg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,592,616 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30npxg/knock_knock/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | "Knock knock" | 0 |
post | 30npo9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,592,468 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30npo9/optimization_the_glass_is_half_full_pessimism_the/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Optimization- The glass is half full. Pessimism- The glass is half empty. | 0 |
post | 30npm8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,592,433 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30npm8/why_shouldnt_you_ever_have_an_argument_with_möbius/ | self.jokes | null | Because they’re always so one sided! | Why shouldn’t you ever have an argument with Möbius? | 1 |
post | 30nokt | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,591,878 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nokt/former_boy_scout_leader_goes_shopping/ | self.jokes | null | A former boy scout leader goes shopping. He sits down and grabs his beef jerky.
"Tastes like boy scouts," he says. | Former boy scout leader goes shopping | 0 |
post | 30nokp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,591,877 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nokp/have_you_heard_of_mcdonalds_new_obama_value_meal/ | self.jokes | null | Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. | Have you heard of McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? | 0 |
post | 30nnwe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,591,493 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nnwe/i_dont_have_a_small_penis/ | self.jokes | null | its just "fun sized". | I don't have a small penis... | 0 |
post | 30nnej | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,591,247 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nnej/an_exboy_scout_leader_goes_shopping_for_food/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | An ex-boy scout leader goes shopping for food.. | 1 |
post | 30nncx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,591,218 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nncx/why_are_my_pubes_curly/ | self.jokes | null | Because if they were straight, they'd be poking you in the eyes. | Why are my pubes curly? | 0 |
post | 30nlxk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,590,473 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nlxk/great_pickup_line/ | self.jokes | null | You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?
Her: Yes.
You: Wanna Traumatize it? | Great pickup line... | 144 |
post | 30nlt0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,590,405 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nlt0/why_did_the_man_from_bilbao_boast_when_he_won_the/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why did the man from Bilbao boast when he won the marathon? | 2 |
post | 30nldr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,590,178 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nldr/what_would_you_do_of_you_found_chicago_ill/ | self.jokes | null | Call Baltimore, M.D. | What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? | 14 |
post | 30njs3 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,589,317 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30njs3/i_met_a_guy_from_seattle_on_the_chairlift_when/ | self.jokes | null | I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, "No thanks, I'll pass." | I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... | 0 |
post | 30njp4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,589,268 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30njp4/there_was_once_a_blonde_professor_who_taught_in/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | There was once a blonde professor who taught in Harvard... | 0 |
post | 30nj9j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,589,029 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nj9j/a_man_orders_three_drinks_at_once_at_a_bar_and/ | self.jokes | null | He repeats this ritual every Thursday at the same bar. One day the bartender asks why he orders three drinks to himself at one time instead of spacing them out. The man explains its a pact with two other friends that live in other parts of the country. We all go have three drinks on Thursday so we are still drinking together. The bartender laughs and sets down the drinks. Several months pass and suddenly the man is ordering two drinks at a time. After a couple Thursday's of this the bartender asks, not to pry, but did something happen to one of your friends? The man replies as he takes a sip. No. I quit drinking. | A man orders three drinks at once at a bar and drinks all three then leaves. | 0 |
post | 30nj5c | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,973 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nj5c/i_work_at_a_bar_dont_like_it_but_it_pays_good/ | self.jokes | null | I just kneaded the Dough.
EDIT: Not bar, bakery. Sand autocorrect. Never use Reddit on a phone. | I work at a bar, don't like it but it pays good. | 0 |
post | 30nio5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,720 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nio5/the_vampires_wishlong/ | self.jokes | null | Boris took a break from polishing the deep, rich, black paint on his cherished Chevrolet Impala.
His thoughts drifted back to the fine April day in nineteen sixty-three when he first saw the car sitting on the showroom floor. It was only a matter of hours before he’d purchased the car, and was driving it with the convertible top down. The dazzling mid-day sun glistened off of the chrome as his wavy black hair blew in the breeze. Within a few months, his bright world would be drastically altered. His older brother started dating a very eerie young woman, and soon after his behavior had also become disturbing. He awakened one night to a pain in his neck, and the two of them standing over him, laughing. He stared into the night sky and a wave of melancholy swept over him, as he reflected that one of the things he dreaded most about being a vampire, was not being able to drive with the top down on bright sunny days. He resumed his polishing, and when it was done he put the top up and drove the car into the garage. The sun would be rising soon and he needed to get to bed.
When he opened the door between the garage and the kitchen, he was greeted with his brother’s sarcasm.
“You just can’t seem to get it through your head that you’re dead, can you?”
“You’ve been a vampire for as long as I have.” Boris leaned on the back of a chair, and continued in a low deliberate voice, “You should know by now that we’re neither alive nor dead. We’re undead.”
“A technicality, but it still doesn’t justify spending all your time with that mechanical icon of the living world. Look, dummy. You can turn into a bat and fly. You don’t need a car anymore. When will you ever get that through your thick skull?”
“I’m scared of bats and even more afraid of heights, and, besides, you’re a good one to talk about hanging on to the living world. I see you’re stuffing that big gut of yours full of Oreo cookies again. When you fly, you show up on the radar screens as big as the space shuttle. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed, and hopefully you haven’t turned down the heat on my waterbed again.”
Boris started to leave the room as his brother replied. “It seems to me that I’ve reminded you before that vampires can’t cross water, and if you had any self respect you’d sleep in a proper coffin.”
He spoke over his shoulder. “I’m not crossing water. I’m sleeping on it. Besides coffins are for dead people. When I’m dead I’ll sleep in a coffin. Good night.”
Boris slowly climbed the steps to his room and wearily opened the door. He checked the thermostat on the waterbed to insure that it hadn’t been disturbed, and then climbed into the bed. After drawing the shades and securing all light sources, he snuggled into the heap of blankets and was soon asleep.
He awakened feeling rested, and rose slowly from the comfort of his bed.
Only a few wispy clouds obscured an otherwise clear sky as he sat on the front porch gazing at the stars. He rested his elbows on his knees and his chin in the palms of his hands, and thought out loud, “All I want is to be able to drive my convertible on a nice sunny day. Is that too much to ask?”
“No.” A soft, but unexpected voice spoke from behind him.
Boris turned around to see who spoke it. Standing on the porch was a spectacularly beautiful woman with extremely fair skin, dressed in a flowing white gown with small wings gently fluttering in the peaceful evening breezes.
“Who are you?” As soon as he said it, he realized that it wasn’t one of his best opening lines.
“I’m Desiree, a Fairy, and I’ve come to grant you a wish.”
“I thought Fairies only collected teeth.”
“The boss likes us to keep busy, so on slow days we do other things. I understand that you have something that you wish dearly for.”
“What I want nobody can give me.”
“Don’t be so sure. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.” She brushed past him as she slowly walked over to the car.
“You’ve already heard what I want, so why do I have to ask?”
“Humor me.” A sly smile, displaying tantalizing dimples, graced her face while her hands gently caressed the shiny black paint.
Boris thought for a minute, and then spoke slowly. “I want to drive my car on a nice warm sunny morning without the fear of dying. Can you do that?”
“It’s done. Your wish is granted. Tomorrow morning you can drive your car without worrying about dying. I do have one request though.”
“I knew there had to be a catch. What is it?”
“I want to go along.”
“Is that all?”
“I love this car, and I’ve never had the opportunity to ride in a convertible.”
Boris smiled sheepishly and held his hand out to her. “Meet me here at five-thirty. I want to watch the sunrise while we drive.”
Desiree took his hand and rubbed it to her cheek, and then fluttered off.
After she left, Boris picked up a rag and commenced polishing the finish to remove her hand prints. She may be cute, but he had his limits.
Desiree returned right on time. Boris opened the door for her, then walked around the car and took his position at the steering wheel. The sun was not up yet, but beams of light turned the clouds that were visible to varied shades of pink and purple. He drove to a park where he’d spent much of his youth. It was the first time he’d seen it in daylight in many years. He drove slowly and took time to enjoy the reflections off the water in the pond, and the way the light played through the trees, creating eerie shadows on the ground. These were sights he hadn’t seen in years, and he wanted to relish each and every one of them. He emerged from the cover of the trees just as the sun made its entrance. Immediately the skin on his hands began to bubble, and his breathing became labored.
He shrieked in horror, “You lied to me. You told me I’d be able to live when the sun came up.”
Desiree smiled and calmly replied, “No, I didn’t. I only promised you that you could drive without worrying about dying. That’s exactly what you asked for.”
Boris staggered from the car in an attempt to find cover, and amid screams of agonizing pain, he burned to a cinder in the middle of the road. Desiree slowly slid across the red vinyl bench seat, placed her hands on the steering wheel, and took some time to admire her new car. After a few moments she turned around and spoke in disgust to the smoldering clump “A basic Impala!
You could have at least had enough class to buy a Super Sport.” She turned back, put the car in gear, and drove off into the sunrise.
You know all those dark spots on the pavement that you thought were patched potholes – uh uh. Melted vampires. | The Vampire’s Wish-long | 0 |
post | 30nihj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,621 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nihj/i_silently_farted_in_bed_last_night_and_slowly/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet | 0 |
post | 30nie1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,570 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nie1/jet_fuel_alcoholics/ | self.jokes | null | Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!” | JET FUEL ALCOHOLICS | 3 |
post | 30nhnu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,208 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nhnu/alcohol_isnt_a_problem/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Alcohol isn't a problem... | 0 |
post | 30nhfi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,095 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nhfi/another_bull_name/ | self.jokes | null | Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff. | ANOTHER BULL NAME | 2 |
post | 30nhcj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,588,057 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nhcj/in_honour_of_all_the_miss_piggykermit_the_frog/ | self.jokes | null | Why can't miss piggy have children? Because she keeps fucking a frog and their DNA is not compatible.
No?
| In honour of all the miss piggy/kermit the frog jokes going around today. | 0 |
post | 30ngur | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,587,819 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ngur/how_many_south_americans_does_it_take_to_change_a/ | self.jokes | null | A Brazilian. | How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? | 8 |
post | 30ngrt | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,587,777 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ngrt/why_will_hillarys_presidential_library_have_a_45/ | self.jokes | null | Only so many people can stand in front of a half-empty book shelf. | Why will Hillary's Presidential Library have a 45 minute wait? | 1 |
post | 30nfmr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,587,218 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nfmr/a_black_jewish_boy_runs_home_from_school_and_asks/ | self.jokes | null | The boy says "Because a kid in school is selling a bike for $50 dollars and I don't know whether to talk him down to $40 or just steal it!" | A Black Jewish boy runs home from school and asks his dad, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know son?" | 210 |