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[ "so, today (as in earlier in the week) i almost", "killed myself by suffocating on water vapor in my", "shower. or would that be drowning? anyway, to the", "story:", "my bathroom is almost airtight with the door", "closed, with only 2 small windows (one of which", "is jammed) and a really, really bad extractor", "fan/heat lamp thing. it's so bad at its job that", "usually i have to have both a window open and the", "fan going to get an adequate amount of steam from", "the shower out. this day however, i was in such a", "rush to get clean for upcoming activities that i", "neglected to open the window. this was a huge", "mistake.", "as i am getting busy with the soap after spending", "a long time contemplating unimportant things as i", "often do in the shower, i notice i'm starting to", "have trouble breathing. i put it down to there", "being too much steam in the shower box and make", "to turn and open the shower door - and i slip on", "something. bang. next thing i know, i'm flat on", "my naked ass in the corner of the shower box, and", "my vision's going funny - blotches of colour", "dancing everywhere, blacking out now and then -", "and i realise i'm in deep shit. the shower head's", "still relentlessly beating down on me with hot,", "steamy water, my head hurts *bad* and i'm finding", "it increasingly difficult to breathe.", "at this point i'm taking gigantic gasping breaths", "trying to get enough oxygen in me, but just", "sucking in more steam. i felt really, really", "weak. like i couldn't even move if i tried. but", "somehow i did. i'm not sure of what exactly", "happened, but evidently i made a desperate lunge", "for the door as my next memory is me laying face", "down butt naked half-out the shower door with the", "thing still going and me gasping like a fish out", "of water.", "from that day forward i always, *always* made", "opening the window my first priority when taking", "a shower." ]

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[ "i work in a cocktail lounge with an assortment of", "different spices, garnishes, fruits, and what", "have you to make all sorts of weird drinks.", "tuesdays are usually quiet, so i get to work", "alone and do homework until customers come in.", "today, my bar manager was in working on a couple", "new drinks that apparently involve red hot chili", "peppers. i'm talking red hot. one of my coworkers", "had been in when i arrived, and was on his way", "out when he saw a bowl of the little peppers,", "broke one open, smelled it, and chomped on it. he", "said it had smelled sweet, but burned like the", "hot sun, and he spent the next ten minutes trying", "to douse the spice. i like spicy food, and i was", "curious, so i broke one open and smelled it. it", "smelled sweet, so i squeezed a bunch of seeds out", "and put the pepper in my mouth. even before", "chewing, i felt that motherfuckers heat. i threw", "the pepper in the garbage and decided i'd save", "myself the 20 or so minutes of pain and scorched", "gums. i went to take my daily pre work dump, and", "sat down to check my phone, and went for the", "classic 'i've been busy all day and really need", "to just scratch my balls' move. bliss. about 45", "seconds later, i stand up and walk out of the", "bathroom to feel a curious tingling, and then", "full on raging wildfire all over my balls.", "fuck. wow. ouch.", "i know milk neutralizes the capsaicin that", "irritates your nerves and causes spice, so i went", "to look for some in the bar. none to be found. i", "did, however, see the coffee i had just bought,", "and realized that i had put a fair amount of", "cream in it. bam. in my rush, i grabbed my", "coffee, walked into the washroom, locked the", "door, and started scooping some of the coffee", "onto my balls, hoping to get enough of whatever", "neutralizes the spice onto my crotch. i'd just", "gotten that coffee. hot coffee, even with milk,", "does nothing but make it worse. i know that now.", "next, i was off to the internet. 'what", "neutralizes hot pepper oils?'", "milk...yoghurt...lemon juice.....sour cream....", "fuck...i didn't have any of those dairy", "products...but...lemon juice? fuck it. i'm in", "pain, ill try anything. filled a shot glass with", "lemon juice, back to the washroom, rubbed some", "cold lemon juice on my junk. nope. if anything,", "it made it worse....yeah, citric acid on your", "jewels doesnt feel great. i gave in and just", "started scooping handfuls of cold water from the", "tap to my crotch. each scoop doused the flames", "temporarily, so i did this for about 3 minutes", "before i realized i had to get back out to the", "bar.", "there's nobody here, thank god, so i've been", "sitting and trying to ignore the now dull throb", "of flames between my legs." ]

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[ "so yeah, i attended our annual departmental", "christmas party, which takes place in our", "communal area with shittonnes of free booze", "(free. booze.) and being of the student", "persuasion myself, i have this inherent drinking", "problem. especially when the drinking becomes", "free.", "i meet my already horrendously drunk friend who", "had called me on my walk there, apparently from", "the bathroom urinals (while screaming down the", "phone that he was not drunk, that he was", "hideously drunk, and that he was currently", "urinating).", "so i get to the party, i grab a couple beers,", "some mysterious little old lady coerced me into", "drinking some of her special vodka, i pour the", "rest of my vodka cup away while she's not", "looking, drink more beer, say some cringily", "depressing things to an older guy i used to work", "with, proceed to pour beer number 3 down myself", "and others, older guy leaves awkwardly and we go", "gather our drunk friends to go home and/or to", "more bars.", "we lost really drunk best friend on the way out", "so i try to go find him. i find him staggering", "around outside in the rain where he proceeds to", "lunge at me for an aggressive kiss and i'm like", "\"wha- oh, heeeeyyy\". how romantic *cue cheesy", "music they play in 90s films when the two main", "characters finally fucking kiss after dancing", "around the issue even though they're 30+ fucking", "years old and should really not be shy about that", "shit anymore*.", "some stuff is a little blurry in between, but", "he's misplaced his workbag or something and that", "somehow leads to some fumbling attempt at", "fornication over his work desk. that didn't work", "out, i loose him again, and errybody meets back", "at his place to check on him and his equally", "drunk roomate who has decided his final resting", "place for the evening is the kitchen floor rather", "than his own bed.", "we leave our fallen drunkard friends with glasses", "of water beside them and head out for another", "bar, when suddenly...", "drunk best friend calls me back up and", "disregarding my friends' pleas i trudge back", "upstairs to innocently see what he wants.", "-mistake #1 right here folks.-", "i tuck him in, and i feel the best way to", "describe what happened next is \"*well officer,", "one thing led to another, and...*\" then somehow", "some sexual touching happened and then some sex", "happened.", "my drunk brain decided that since it was aunt", "flow time, he should probably not stick it in", "there. *yo dawg, there's no blood coming out of", "the other hole right now, we could use that one*", "said brain, which my mouth translated as some", "unintelligible clumsy dirty talk and, lo and", "behold, butt secks happened too ... during the", "course of which we removed panties filled with", "wadded tp i stuck in there earlier to stem the", "flow of unexpected party period blood, and my", "jacket and top somehow got ripped on the way off.", "butt secks happened for a couple of fucking", "hours, during which i'm pretty sure i peed myself", "a little bit on more than one occasion.", "apparently i am also loud and his fucking bedroom", "door was fucking open too.", "he wanted to cuddle afterwards (aww) but i", "decided to take the waddle of shame at 2am when", "no-one was around to see it.", "-mistake #2: no condoms involved-", "yuuup. aside from the fact i had to change my", "underwear when i farted and couldn't stop", "farting, i should *probably* go ask for some", "preventative meds since i don't how how clean he", "is (sleeps around a lot, not sure if he's always", "safe when doing so).", "and ... i'm supposed to be spending another xmas", "party at his in a few days. i don't think i could", "look him in the eye right now.", "---------\n\n**", "i am the quiet, well-behaved girl in my group of", "drunkard 20-somethings and my asshole is fucking", "sore." ]

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[ "so today, it was a remembrance day service at our", "school, and i was chosen to play the last post,", "on my trumpet. so, i start playing, i'm so", "nervous that i fuck it up a lot, and after a bit,", "i say \"shit!\" pretty damn loud. i was behind a", "curtain, and i could hear people chucking and", "holding back laughter. i finish playing and then", "during the moment of silence, people started", "laughing. after the service, i was told that i", "made the mayor, a cop, a world war two veteran, a", "korean war veteran, and the principal laugh. how", "the fuck am i not suspended right now...." ]

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[ "i'm an interesting person in that i'm both a light", "and heavy sleeper at the same time. what i mean", "by that is that is quite difficult to wake me", "unnecessarily, but i am still fully aware of and", "will react to most interruptions as if i were", "awake, and will will even wake up fully if i need", "to. this has lead to some interesting situations,", "including but not limited to: holding", "conversations i don't remember, throwing objects", "at intruders, sending text message replies, and", "turning off the air compressor outside my room.", "sometimes, if my subconscious deems it important", "enough, i'll even leave myself a mental sticky", "note, like \"check your phone\" or \"your mom wants", "something.\" today was no different.", "i had been asleep roughly an hour, when my", "phone buzzes. i remember this because the only", "calls i get at 8 am are either collections, or", "important/emergencies. i see the unknown number", "and write it off as the former, and just let it", "go to message and go back to sleep. i woke up", "properly rested at 10, and realized i had one of", "those mental sticky notes for myself. \"check your", "phone\" it said. i was a little confused by this,", "as i had no missed calls shown, no new voicemail,", "and no new text messages. by pure luck, my finger", "accidentally twitched and pulled up the recent", "call log. one call answered, today, at 8 am. this", "wasn't right. i had let that one go, or so i", "thought. oh well, what's done is done, better", "move on to damage control and see which", "collections agency will be harassing me this", "month. on to google!", "this is where it gets a little interesting, as", "the unknown number was completely unlisted, and", "the only information i could find was that it was", "local (obvious anyways) and that it was a land", "line. after a few minutes of intense internal", "debate, curiosity overcame caution, and i called", "the number. they answered it on the first ring,", "and in an energetic, fast voice they say \"hello", "this is", "i'mgoingtospeaktoofastforyoutounderstandwhati'msa", "ying", "desk. how may i help you?\" interesting, this", "scenario was unexpected. not wanting to ask her", "to repeat herself, i kindly explain i had", "received a call from this number, and then the", "voice at the other end asked me if i knew anyone", "who worked there, or if i was applying for work.", "oh shit. i knew who this was. the words she", "said at the beginning had untangled, and suddenly", "it all clicked. this was somewhere i had just", "sent my resume off to. this was a job i actually", "wanted. and i'm desperate for work. but mostly,", "this was a job that i wanted. i told her that", "yes, i had in fact just recently applied for work", "there, and she transfers my call to the right", "department. this time, i get an answering", "machine. so, i left a message explaining who i", "was, what my plight was, while omitting a few", "unimportant details, and end the call.", "now i am left wondering how badly i fucked up,", "what, if anything, asleep me said, and if they", "are still interested in hiring me.", "update: they called me back and still want to do", "the interview! i guess i didn't fuck up too badly", "after all!" ]

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[ "so today was one of those days where i lost the", "motivation to go to class, and i decided instead", "to kill some time at the mall.", "i had a dear old time, walking through the mall", "to get to the bookstore. i walked in, checked out", "one of grisham's novels, thinking i would buy it.", "i decided against it, and wandered around the", "store some more. i read a couple of chapters of", "another book, then decided to leave. i figured it", "was time for lunch.", "i take the escalator up to the mall food court,", "and turn to my right thinking to myself: \"i'm", "thinking arby's.\" but little did i know this", "would seal my fate. as i turn the corner, half", "asleep, thinking about the books i read, there", "she stands: a girl i went to high school with,", "who has major attachment issues. (to put it into", "perspective, when her last boyfriend dumped her,", "she went into a 2 year cycle of depression and", "trying to get him back. two whole years of that", "shit. which she clung to me to cause apparently i", "was one of her best friends. so fuck. i thought i", "was rid of her.) she runs up to me, super", "excited, and i didn't even motion for a hug. she", "opens her arms and throws them around me", "screaming \"oh my god i miss you\". not wanting any", "of that i kinda just squeaked out a \"hey, how are", "you?\" and as a courtesy (and not wanting to go", "home quite yet) i decided i'd sit with her", "through her lunch.", "we got to talking about basic things. school,", "work, plans for the future, that sort of stuff.", "i'm on meds that make me drowsy so i kept yawning", "a lot, and she remarked how i needed to sleep", "more, and i always responded by saying that's not", "happening, and how i'm too busy with papers and", "test to sleep. so we chatted for a few more", "minutes, and she had to go to work. my car was in", "the same direction, so i went with.", "we were walking, and things suddenly got so much", "worse. she puts her arm in mine, and she starts", "talking about buying matching onesies and how", "much we'd need to hang out. i immediately said", "i'm not going to buy a onesie, or ever wear one.", "that i have a robe for a reason, and that i", "blatantly refuse to wear such an atrocity. when", "it came to hanging out, i always responded with a", "maybe or eventually. everyone who knows me know", "that if i say one of those two words to you it's", "a solid but more polite no, and everyone knew", "that in high school. but not her. i guess i shot", "myself in the foot with that one, cause she still", "thinks i'm open to hanging out. she tries to drag", "me into her store (which is a women's clothing", "and lingerie store) saying i have to meet", "everybody. i tell her no, that i got to go and", "study. so i say goodbye, and i walk off. not more", "than 30 seconds later, as i walk into the", "discovery hut, she texts me saying \"hi! lol\".", "at this point i'm just thinking to myself how", "much of an idiot i am. i should have just said", "hi, gotten my food, walked to my car and drove", "away. instead, i sat there and talked to this", "girl who goes bat shit nuts easily. i text one of", "my friends, explaining what had just happened.", "she's laughing at me saying:", "\"she jump on that dick faster than sonic in a", "speed race damn my nigga. you betta watch out for", "that one honey, she a find where ya live so fast,", "be outside ya window right when you get home", "singing 80's power ballads with an acoustic", "guitar, just strummin away. bust that door open", "bam she naked on the floor with some rose petals", "strewn on the bed n shit. she gonna shimmy up", "that drain pipe of yours too my nigga. you feel?", "she agile as shit you better recognize.\" (my", "friend and mall-girl used to be friends by the", "way.)", "so since then (this happened a couple of hours", "ago) i've refused to respond to her text, and", "since i know turning her down will make her go", "nuts, i'm thinking of going to the bar, and", "drinking myself into a coma to not deal with.", "----------" ]

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[ "ok, not exactly today, but on a sunday a few weeks", "ago, and no, it did not involve anyone shitting", "themselves.", "i was hanging out with some friends and my crush.", "we were all derping about at the 1.5m end of an", "olympic sized pool, playing tag, fighting with", "giant noodles, usual pool stuff. my crush", "randomly decides to swim to the other side. i", "thought to myself, \"hey, maybe i could swim to", "the other side too. what could go wrong?\"", "for my entire life i thought i was slightly", "better than the average swimmer. i was about to", "be proven wrong the hard way.", "i started swimming, moving my arms, paddling my", "feet and whatnot in what i thought was a", "rhythm/pattern. but regardless, so far so good. i", "made it to halfway across the pool when my", "stamina suddenly decided to drop like an anvil. i", "thought, \"maybe i should just pause there a", "moment. no worries.\"", "what i normally do to regain stamina is sink,", "then rebound at the pool floor in a forward", "thrusting motion. i do just that. after my whole", "body went a foot or two downward, i felt a", "disturbance of some kind. my feet have not yet", "made contact with the pool floor. i immediately", "figured that the pool was too deep, and so i", "doggy-paddled sideways, lunged for a lane", "divider, grappled it and then hauled myself to", "the other side of the pool with as much effort as", "i humanly could.", "i grabbed on to the edge and then looked up to", "see the lifeguard looking down at me. he asked if", "i was okay, and i responded with \"yeah\". he then", "asked something like \"do you have any idea how", "deep the pool is?\" i looked back at him,", "confused. i then looked at the depth label in", "front of me. it said \"4m.\" i was all like", "\"...damn.\" i then got out of the pool and then", "examined it. i realized that i have lost all my", "stamina in the middle of the pool, where it was", "5m deep.", "promptly, i went back to the 1.5m end, trying to", "shake off the fact that i'd almost drowned that", "day. my friends and my crush had seen everything,", "and my crush in particular said something like,", "\"dammit ve2519, you don't know how to swim", "properly! i'll make sure to spontaneously give", "you a swimming lesson whenever we meet here...", "=)\" she almost never let me live it down from", "that day on.", "[" ]

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[ "i work at this deli shop and its my second week", "working. so, there i was, slicing all kinds of", "meat using the slicer. i was already doing some", "minor fuck ups through out the day but the major", "one was when i was slicing. the security alarm", "control is right next to the slicer up against", "the wall and on there is a button to call the", "cops. well, to clean the slicer, i have to move", "it and its right next to the alarm. i must have", "bumped the button while i was cleaning it or", "working the slicer because 2 cops showed up all", "pissed off that it was a false alarm and now the", "store could be fined. outfuckingstanding." ]

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[ "its been a long night, i'm 16, on a wednesday", "night, doing some chores after the lady-friend", "had left, and i grabbed some kool-aid (because", "i'm 5 on the inside.). i had one glass at first.", "then another. then another. then another, and i", "think i got up to 13 glasses of kool-aid by", "around 7:30. so, naturally, around 8:15, i really", "have to piss...", "my brother was in the main bathroom however, and", "my mother was in hers. so i had to hold it. and i", "waited... for what seems like an *eternity*. i", "eventually got to the point where i couldn't hold", "it any longer. so i ran to the main bathroom", "door, and it's one that can be unlocked from the", "outside, so i quickly unlock it, and i step", "halfway in to see my brother, bent over the", "toilet, johnson in one hand, laptop on the", "counter, crankin' his shank. he sees me, loudly", "yells \"fucker!\", tries to run and jump into the", "shower, only ending up in him slipping on a towel", "on the floor, and smashing his face on the side", "of the bathtub.", "i start laughing **hysterically**. completely", "oblivious to the fact that i still had to piss", "like a motherfucker. i'm rolling on the floor,", "laughing, when my bladder can't handle it", "anymore, and just releases.", "so now, i'm writing this, after i've thrown my", "favorite shirt and pants into the wash, smelling", "like piss, while trying not to think of the image", "of my brother jerkin' his gherkin. and yes, he", "was fine, probably gonna have a nice black eye", "though.", "**edit:** answers to a couple questions.", "1. i didn't pee outside because i live in maine,", "and at night, it gets cold, cold enough that my", "golden stream would freeze as soon as it left my", "piping.", "2. i never thought of peeing in a bottle... i", "shoulda done that... but then this all wouldn't", "have unfolded as it did, and it wouldn't be as", "funny.", "3. i am of the male gender.", "4. my brother is 14. makes it a little worse,", "doesn't it?" ]

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[ "i actually shaved my nether regions about 3 days", "ago, but it caught up with me this morning when i", "was at work. i made the mistake of using a cheap", "single blade razor to shave the base of my no-no", "zone and got a really bad regrowth irritation.", "it started out as a little itching, but", "eventually became so irritated that it felt like", "a a cactus was rapidly growing out of my pubes. i", "was able to scratch furiously and discreetly, but", "after a while the pain/itch became so intense, i", "was scratching every three seconds. it made the", "last 3 hours of work utterly unbearable. i", "contemplated euthanasia several times.", "i work as a truck driver and i was inside of a", "refrigerated warehouse unloading an entire truck", "load of pallets. i managed to duck behind pallets", "to obscure my scratching, but i'm almost certain", "that a guy saw me liking down my pants like i had", "never seen my own penis before. i'm pretty sure", "everyone there thinks i have an std or something.", "i thought maybe that the cold air was irritating", "me, so i put on lotion. didn't help. then i put", "on gold bond. nothing!", "it was the worse thing i've felt next to a", "sprained ankle that swole to the size of an idaho", "potato. the itching and scratching gave way to a", "stinging pain like hundreds of tiny needles", "poking me in the pubes.", "eventually, i finished working, got in my 18", "wheeler, and cleaned and reapplied gold bond to", "the affected area. this time, i felt the cool,", "fiery burning of mentholated gold bond and", "immediately regretted my decision. so i cleaned", "it again, and just grabbed as much ice shavings", "as i could from the freezer and put them on my", "raw junk. after three helpings, i was able to get", "to the nearest store to purchase a bag of ice and", "wore a plastic baggy filled with ice cubes for", "the next hour and a half. after a while,", "everything was so numb, i couldn't feel the pain.", "needless to say, i'm never shaving again. i'd", "rather die." ]

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[ "today i had an advising appointment to schedule my", "classes for next semester, and due to more than a", "few extenuating circumstances, i hadn't really", "put much thought into it.", "i should explain that my university is fairly", "small, and in some schools (like mine) the", "professors are also advisors. i happen to be in", "this particular professor's class this semester.", "so i go in, obviously flustered because i have no", "idea what the fuck i'm doing, hand over my", "advising report, and launch into an explanation", "on why i didn't turn in my bibliography on monday", "because i was sick and in a sudafed coma (though", "i didn't actually call it that).", "getting on with the actual advising, she looked", "over my papers and asked me about my plan. i", "admitted to only having a rough one because i may", "not be coming back in the spring due to financial", "reasons. she tried to move on, but some idiocy", "compelled me to explain my situation (like she", "cared) and ended in me saying, \"so basically i'm", "up shit creek without a paddle.\" she sat at her", "desk looking utterly dumbstruck, and after what", "felt like forever, she asked me if i'd considered", "counseling. i said i had gone but had stopped for", "a few reasons, one of them being that my parents", "had called the on-campus counselor demanding my", "records, which by policy they could not release.", "\"have you talked to the dean?\" she asked.", "\"no,\" i said. \"but i think my parents have called", "her, or her office, at least. they're trying to", "withdraw me without my consent.\"", "\"why?\" she asked.", "\"cause they're assholes,\" i replied, instantly", "wishing i hadn't.", "a long-winded conversation later, she calls the", "dean of students. shit. i really need to learn to", "keep my mouth shut sometimes.", "\"i have a student here who has a", "very....complicated situation,\" she says, and", "launches into a description of it, down to my", "asshole parents demanding information from every", "office on campus and refusing to pay my tuition", "(when they promised they would). a few minutes", "after i asked to speak with the dean, she hands", "the phone to me.", "\"hello?\" says the dean. \"professor ____ tells me", "you have an interesting situation.\"", "\"it's not so much interesting as it is....\" i'm", "searching for any term but fucked up. i mean,", "this is the dean of students i'm talking to.", "let's keep it professional here.", "in the meantime, she goes on a rant about", "counseling and confidentiality. i am getting", "rather fed up with everybody (and it's more than", "these two) telling me i need counseling. i don't", "need to prattle on about my feelings, i need to", "get my ass out of trouble to avoid getting kicked", "out of the university for not having my tuition", "paid.", "\"yes, but i'm looking at this more from a", "logistical standpoint,\" i interrupted. she", "doesn't seem to hear and goes on about", "counseling.", "i let her talk for a minute or so before i", "finally lose it and practically scream into the", "phone, \"i know what i have to do, i just need to", "figure out how to go about doing it!!!!\" my", "advisor's eyebrows skyrocket into her hairline.", "i'm usually very quiet.", "a few more seconds of \"blah blah blah", "counseling,\" and she hangs up. my advisor is", "getting antsy because she's late for a meeting", "(and also probably due to the scene which has", "just unfolded. thank god the door was closed),", "and i gather up my stuff, apologize profusely,", "and bolt out the door.", "i don't know how i'm going to go to class on", "monday." ]

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[ "not strictly today. last weekend.", "here goes anyway.", "picture the scene. my friend's family is having a", "large-scale housewarming party. it is a large", "house - think, six bedrooms. detached. in the", "countryside. with stables. and horses. there was", "a marquee. i am not able to visit an", "off-licence/supermarket before traveling out into", "the sticks for the party, so i get my friend to", "buy me alcohol. he does the sensible thing, and", "instead of buying me beer or some other such", "normal man-beverage, he buys me a large bottle of", "white rum.", "everyone arrives at the party in the early", "evening. the many people present include the", "extended family of my friend who has just moved", "house, their family friends, a lot of our", "friends, friends of the other friend's siblings,", "you get the idea. there couldn't have been less", "than 80 people there. anywho, being the trouper", "that i am, i drink the bottle of rum over the", "course of the evening. the whole bottle. neat. i", "also eat chilli con cane. which is nice. it's", "after midnight. i'm outstandingly drunk but", "holding my shit together. did i mention that my", "friend who's hosting the party is into his", "illicit substances? we go out into the fields", "surrounding his new house, and we smoke weed. a", "lot of weed.", "now i hadn't been familiar with the adage", "\"alcohol then grass, end up on your ass\" before,", "but i can now say with confidence that it is a", "proverb worth remembering. we come in from the", "field, outrageously pissbaked. we sit/lie in his", "room for a while. i'm in a good place. and then", "it happens. a vomitous parabola the likes of", "which i've never seen before explodes forth from", "my mouth, in shimmering brilliant orange", "(chilli), and this is where things get hazy... my", "rum-purchacing friend does his level best to deal", "with me, but there's parents shouting about", "orange sick on the ceiling of their new house and", "i don't really remember much other than anger and", "my poor friend trying to defend me...", "i wake up the following morning hugging the bowl", "of the upstairs toilet with a head like corned", "beef and barbed wire. i slink off as discretely", "as i can. my girlfriend, who had been absent from", "the party asked me how it had been. i lied. i", "said it was calm. normal. back at college this", "week. sitting next to my girlfriend. my friends", "are sniggering, and i ask them why, and although", "they'd done my best to not tell me the true", "extent of the horror, there was no way they were", "going to be able to contain themselves.", "i had been passed out hugging the toilet bowl.", "the drunken senile grandmother of the friend who", "had moved house was upstairs. she needed to use", "the toilet. she was incapable of going downstairs", "to use one of the many toilets downstairs. i had", "been unresponsive to any stimulus, and as such,", "she came up with her own novel solution to the", "problem.", "she simply moved my hands off of the toilet seat.", "and pissed.\n\nlegs astride my unconscious form.", "my girlfriend asked if that was what i considered", "'normal'. i held my head in shame as every single", "one of my friends laughed until they fell on the", "floor. i, truly, had fucked up.", "edit: language as suggested" ]

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[ "okay so i'm a freshman in college who managed to", "walk on as a weight/shot put thrower. after", "working very hard all fall and winter i managed", "to make the team, and the coach was really", "starting like me. until this morning.... today", "was my first ever college track meet, and the bus", "was set to depart at 7am in the morning. i was", "really excited and ready to compete for the first", "time. i had packed my bag and laid out my uniform", "the night before to make sure absolutely nothing", "could go wrong. i even managed to get myself to", "bed by 11 on a friday night, i set three alarms", "on my phone, and made sure i had a buddy(who", "lived on my hall) who would wake me just in case", "something went wrong. everything was in place and", "nothing could go wrong...", "except, life has a sick sense of humor. first", "thing i did was manage to disable my phone while", "sleeping. i keep my phone under my pillow(i've", "always done that, makes sure i wake up, hasn't", "failed me in years) and this one night i managed", "to swipe my hand under my pillow and knock it off", "my bed. it's an old phone so that knocked the", "battery out of it....my alarm is now totally", "gone.", "no worries, my friend should would make me up,", "right? no of course not. why the fuck would life", "make this so easy on me? my hall mate actually", "just left without me. just fucking left. the", "bitch texts me from the bus....\"i'm sorry, i", "totally forgot to check for you.\" yeah i'm sorry", "too. i want to blame everything on her, but", "that's unfair.", "instead i wake up to my roommate asking me what", "i'm still doing in bed at 7:30. my first thought", "was that this could only happen to me. then i", "searched for my phone, which was supposed to be", "my alarm, only to find it on the ground with the", "battery next to it. i put it back together,", "turned it on, and found 7 missed calls and 12", "texts from my coach and my teammates. first thing", "i did was call my coach back. why? idk. i was", "panicking. this is how the conversation went....", "coach: \"hey, good morning!\" (very sarcastic tone", "throughout)", "me: \"good morning coach...\" (just loud enough for", "him to hear)", "coach: \"how are you feeling?\"", "me: \"real shitty...\"", "coach: \"yeah me too... look, how about you get", "some more sleep and we'll talk about this", "monday.\"", "*click*", "all of this happened after all of our coaches", "warned us about not being late over and over", "again all week, to which i would reply \"no", "worries. i'm going to be there. guaranteed.\"", "fatherfuck me. i had one job." ]

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[ "this happened in fall of 2012. i live in chicago", "and it was one of those windy, freezing days.", "anyway...", "im getting ready for my 8:30 class and its about", "7:20 something. i'm putting on my jacket and", "figured, \"i'm only walking the dog a short", "distance today, i don't need my coat\" -.-' i", "finish walking the dog and i get back to the", "front door of my house. i open the screen door", "and get ready to open the big door, there are no", "keys in my pocket. i panic and search every", "pocket i had until i realized, they are in the", "house. so i ended up having to walk about 7", "blocks on the south side of chicago to my", "brothers high school with my shitzhu in tow at", "about 8am in a little ass jacketon a cold chicago", "day. got back home, got my keys, had to go back", "to give my brother his keys and was done by 9", "and. missed a test that day. froze my nuts off.", ":c", "yea reddit, i fucked up." ]

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[ "i just got done slaving over a hot stove for 2", "hours(yay! 4 cheese, 3 meat lasagna!) so i am all", "~~sexy~~ sweaty and i decide to cool off in the", "bathroom with some water to the face. my long", "hair and beard are a mess, but i don't want to", "get stinky sweat all over nice clean brush and i", "am in no mood to use the ghetto-ass leaky", "stand-up shower i am stuck with so i grab a", "random comb i found when i moved and i proceed as", "usual.", "i comb my hair, all is well, though the comb is a", "bit scratchy and rather flimsy, oh well. time to", "comb my beard. left side, no tangles. awesome!", "right side, the comb seizes about half way", "through...damn, got a tangle or a knot.", "i think to myself, \"fuck it! i'll just pull it", "through, either the hairs will untangle or", "they're comin' out.\" pull. pull. pull. ow, this", "hair is rather tenacious...", "***yank!***", "there we go, no more knot. at this time i notice", "one of the combs teeth is bent almost completely", "backwards, about 160 degrees away from where it", "should be. i inspect the area of the supposed", "tangle and find a decent sized bead of blood", "instead.", "\"what the fuck was wrong with this hair?\"", "upon further inspection, i realized that under", "the tiny horizontal pool of blood on my cheek", "there is a puncture wound about the size of a", "comb tooth, and then some.", "i had stabbed the entire tooth into my cheek,", "then pulled the comb with such force the tooth", "bent back and tore my flesh into a 1/4 inch deep", "tear dropped shaped puncture wound. at least it's", "only one of many blemishes on my face, and if", "anything it counter balances the cat scratch on", "the other cheek." ]

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[ "i apologize in advance for not shitting myself", "and/or getting caught masturbating, so this post", "will be less-than-hilarious, but without further", "ado, here it goes...", "so i was in the cafeteria with a few friends and", "i thought it would be funny to screw with them a", "bit with the salt-shakers. so i started off by", "filling one of my friend's pockets with salt", "while she was speaking to one half of the group,", "the other half trying to contain their laughter,", "as they were focused on my prank. she puts her", "hand in her pocket at some point, hilarity", "ensues, blah blah blah. so, continuing the theme,", "i thought it would be funny to pour a bit of salt", "on another one of my friend's phones as she had", "unsuspectingly left it on the table, followed up", "by moderately funny salt puns and playfully", "mocking her about how crunchy her keys would be.", "again, harmless, stupid fun, easily amused", "friends amused easily.", "later in the day, she texts me \"so you pouring", "salt in my phone cause the speaker to break\".", "fuck. so, of course i immediately tell her that i", "will pay for it's repair, but she tells me it", "would be cheaper to just replace it.", "repair fee-$100\nupgrade-$200", "luckily she was nice enough to let me off with", "$50 (although, to be fair, i know a bit about", "hardware and i could have easily fixed it--i", "didn't want to come off as rude or stingy,", "however, so i just obliged to pay). i ended up", "paying her 60 because i only had 20s and i didn't", "ask for change as i figured i owed her a bit more", "than that." ]

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[ "i’ve been feeling crap for the past few days", "because of an ear infection, so my sleeping", "pattern’s been stupidly inconsistent due to", "having a high temperature. i’m on antibiotics so", "it’s slowly getting better though.", "so i woke up feeling crap, so decided to have a", "hot bath to see if it helped. i didn’t open the", "bathroom window because i didn’t want to be cold", "when i was running the bath and because i haven't", "learnt the lesson from the previous two times", "i've nearly fainted after having a hot bath.", "so i had a bath, blah blah blah, and when i got", "out i stood up too quickly and my blood pooled.", "due to the window being closed it was really hot", "and stuffy in the bathroom and i was getting less", "oxygen. i started losing vision and balance, and", "could feel my legs getting weak, but before i", "could sit down i fainted and on my way down i hit", "my head on the toilet seat (broke the seat off", "the hinge and got a mild concussion). when i", "tried to get up, i couldn't stand and stumbled", "again. this time i hit my leg on a cabinet and", "now have a very painful bruise in the same", "position as where my pockets sit, so now i can’t", "put things in my pocket without being in pain." ]

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[ "i was hopping in the shower and decided i'd send", "some nice x-rated pictures to my long distance", "boyfriend. after the photo shoot, i sent the 5", "best, most revealing, sexy images to the last", "person i texted, which i thought was my", "boyfriend. i forgot that i had texted my mom", "about going home this weekend and wound up", "sending them to her during her work day as a", "teacher.", "though i'm thoroughly embarrassed, i'm hoping we", "can both treat the situation like adults." ]

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[ "i have a friend who i usually communicated with", "through a group chat on facebook whose 2-year-old", "son was just diagnosed with autism (they're not", "sure how severe or what exact type), and while", "perusing my reddit feed i saw a greentext story", "from 4chan, and i love greentext stories.", "it was the one about the retarded kid trying to", "pass through the stopped train, while carrying", "his bike. the retarded kid gets stuck and", "tard-howls as the train starts driving away with", "him. i'm audibly laughing and decide to share it", "with the group.", "my friend, not a minute later says \"wtf\"", "i, not thinking, spout out \"yeah well that's", "tards for ya\", remaining oblivious to the fact", "his son was just diagnosed with autism. he", "decides to log off very shortly after, seeing as", "it's a pretty sensitive subject for him.", "another friend in the group who had laughed at", "the greentext initially, understood the situation", "and texted me offline saying basically \"dude, we", "forgot anon's son has autism!\"", "i felt super bad about it, and have apologized a", "few times." ]

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[ "today i had an interview scheduled with a bank for", "a helpdesk position. i was scheduled to go in for", "2:45 pm, fill out paperwork and have the", "interview at 3:00 pm. i arrived at the bank at", "2:45 pm, checked in with the receptionist who", "told me to fill out an application while she", "checks in with the it department. she then tells", "me that my appointment was at 2:00 pm, and to", "fill out the application, and that someone would", "call me. i went home and checked the laptop i was", "using to take notes when i called about the", "positon. on the desktop i had a file, timestamped", "jun 12, 2013 created @ 11:50am, which said that i", "was supposed to show up at 2:45pm on monday june", "17, and that the appointment would last from", "3pm-4pm. so, now i don't even know if i screwed", "up somewhere or whether my perspective employer", "got the time wrong. the only documented emails i", "have were the initial contact (potential employer", "saying they were interested), and an email", "containing a link with mapquest directions.", "update 5:34pm est: i explained what happened to", "the guy whom i was going to be interviewing, and", "the potential employer is willing to give me a", "phone interview due to his busy schedule. so, i", "may still have a chance after all." ]

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[ "read a lifehack on reddit before about pooping at", "work, and so once i started my shiny new office", "job i proceeded to try it out. it soon became a", "shameful habit that i'm trying hard to get rid", "of.", "fast forward to today, after doing the buttclench", "as i waited for my supervisor to finish talking", "to me, i dashed to the bathroom and brought my", "phone with me. i got a little carried away with", "the fruit ninja and i ended up being there for 10", "minutes before wiping and standing up to flush.", "to my horror, there was a palm-sized poop streak", "inside the bowl, near the part that sucks the", "water/poo in. even the huge amounts of tp i used", "to wipe did not scrub it away as it flushed. i", "tried flushing again, but it stayed there,", "mocking me like the smug bastard it is. i just", "ran off, hoping no one saw me(although i'm p sure", "they heard me flush twice since it's a small", "office)", "i'm typing this from my cube, my head hung in", "shame. i feel bad for the nice custodian who has", "to scrub it off later." ]

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[ "so lately i've been getting into trouble by", "writing things down that should not be written", "down. especially on things like tests. well today", "me and my friend came up with a nickname for a", "friend whose name is annie. the name was trannie.", "the name was a funny joke and she thought it was", "funny, but me being the person who doesn't filter", "before he acts decides to write in down on her", "mac case. now i haven't gotten in trouble from", "this stuff in a month or two so i've been a good", "boy lately. but i wrote it down in pen... now it", "won't come off and she seems a little pissed but", "who really knows, she's annie. so now she has to", "present something with her computer and the", "computer goes right in front of the teacher. as", "i'm typing this now the teacher is looking right", "at the writing and i know in dead soon or later.", "we'll have to see what happens next but for now", "my ass is hers." ]

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[ "so i react poorly to coffee. i'm not entirely sure", "why, but i do. depending on the day, that", "reaction will range somewhere on the spectrum", "between fairly harmless to my very own circle of", "hell. unfortunately, i haven't been able to", "figure out why exactly my level of coffee related", "terribleness varies so much, do drinking coffee", "is usually an exciting game of digestive tract", "roulette. with this in mind, i very rarely drink", "coffee.", "well, today i was itchin' for a gamble and", "grabbed a mocha before work. all seemed well in", "westeros as i sipped it slowly throughout my", "shift. and then it started. at first, i was", "simply inconveniently queasy, but i was able to", "get home and start making dinner without too much", "hassle. it wasn't until i had heated a half inch", "of oil that the pain really began. i went from", "stirring mashed potatoes and frying schnitzel to", "being huddled in a ball on the floor, attempting", "to keep my insides from becoming my outsides.", "somehow i was able to stand up and finish cooking", "before collapsing into a quivering puddle of pain", "on the couch.", "after taking boatloads of pain and stomach", "medications that my medical professional", "boyfriend kindly fetched me (as well as several", "hours of earth shattering pain), my body has", "finished throwing it's hissy fit. unfortunately,", "i was largely unable to partake in the delicious", "schnitzel that i prepared due to feeling like", "death. pretty much ruined what was planned to be", "a fun night with the roommate, boyfriend, and", "true blood. never again, coffee. never. again." ]

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[ "this was actually yesterday but i was in hospital", "for much of the afternoon, so here you go:", "my friend and i are both english teachers in a", "small (relatively) in china. neither of us speak", "particularly good chinese. just a bit of context.", "so yesterday afternoon neither of us had work so", "we headed out for lunch, him riding an electronic", "bike (similar to a moped) and me on the back of", "it. we had a nice lunch and decided to ride into", "town to play some pool. we played for about an", "hour and a half, had 2 small bottles of beer each", "and decided to head back to get ready for an", "evening in the bar. i hopped on the back of his", "bike and we set off. now outside of the pool", "place the traffic trying to park is ridiculous,", "everybody diving through small gaps in motorised", "vehicles as soon as they appear. my friend sees", "one such gap between two parked cars and goes for", "it. the gap was big enough for him, it was even", "just about big enough for the bike, but it wasn't", "big enough for me on the back. my knee was cut", "open from just to the bottom right of the joint", "to i don't really know where. i jumped off the", "bike and looked down to see blood, fat, what i", "think was bone and then decided not to look", "anymore. my friend bandaged my leg with his", "tshirt.", "one of the drivers of a nearby car hopped out and", "my friend shouted at him to call an ambulance (in", "english) and gestured with his hand as a phone.", "the guy pointed in the direction of a cab and we", "didn't know how the fuck to argue, so into the", "cab. the driver rushed us to the hospital, both", "me and my friend furiously calling people who can", "speak both languages and might not be in work.", "arriving at the hospital i was laid straight down", "in a first response (or whatever the word is)", "room and they stitched my knee up. my friend", "estimates 20 stitches, i have no idea.", "i realised at this point i left my phone in the", "cab and couldn't contact anyone. me and my friend", "didn't share many mutual contacts so this was a", "bit of a problem.", "we did have a chinese english speaker with us by", "this time and he helped out as they gave me", "shots, ivs and i don't know what the fuck else. i", "got onto the chinese twitter through my friends", "phone and started to message anyone who might be", "able to help with my follow up appointment", "(today). my ex-girlfriend (chinese) answered", "saying the taxi company had my phone and had", "called her (yes!!) and where was i cause she was", "going to come look after me (not so yes). she", "came over to the hospital, was sufficiently", "unsympathetic in alleviating any of my fear of", "being in a hospital where i can barely read the", "word for exit. after that she took me back home,", "promising my friends to stay with me. at about", "9pm she left (i'm pretty sure to meet a guy,", "whatever) and promised to return at 7am this", "morning for my 7.30 appointment. it's now 8.20,", "and with no phone and very limited ability to", "walk i've decided to write this instead of trying", "to solve my problem.", "so, yes.\n\n**", "**edit:** found someone else to take me into", "hospital and just seen the wound for myself, more", "like 9 stitches. sorry for the hyperbole. pics", "will be delivered in 2 days if there's any", "interest", "**edit 2:** so my ex girlfriend eventually turned", "up to give me my phone. i gave her the cold", "shoulder for her morning behavior. fast forward 4", "hours and she's in my bed (which bear in mind i", "can't move from), drunk as a sailor puking her", "guts out on my floor and telling me she loves me.", "really fml.", "**edit 3:** also bear in mind i live on a middle", "school campus.", "so the ex passes out in my bed, i chat to her", "friend about how she should leave etc but the", "friend's very nice and passed out is better than", "crazy, trust me. my friend the driver shows up", "with snacks and a crate and the 3 of us chat for", "a bit. my ex's friend suddenly decides it's time", "to go so we wake up sleeping beauty, i tell her", "she should go and she absolutely freaks out.", "hitting me, the kneee, everything. my driver", "friend decides this is sufficiently dangerous to", "haul her off me and physical get her out the", "room. a 5 minute standoff ensues with her trying", "to knock down my door, biting a chunk outta my", "friend's finger and the other teachers having to", "come down to try and make her leave. eventually", "security was called, she left calmly and we've", "given her picture to security to ensure she can't", "get back into the gates. and the driver's gone", "back to hospital for a course of antibiotics.", "**tldr 2:** we done fucked up son", "**will provide pics of all of this if someone can", "give me a place to image host other than imgur,", "which is to all intents and purposes blocked in", "china**", "**pics edit (sorry it's minus)**", "[my knee, it's bandaged so", "sfw](http://minus.com/lpwzompafdrai)", "[morning conversation with the", "ex](http://minus.com/lsf14fsqkrqq8)", "[sick all up in my", "bin](http://minus.com/lfufyoijx6dyc)", "[and bin bag](http://minus.com/lb013pxmcjejoa)", "[broken lock courtesy of old", "ladyfriend](http://minus.com/lbpabns1pcngdg)", "[bedroom door](http://minus.com/lqhnuf9kfia2x)", "[she's not getting that", "back](http://minus.com/lbxleo4yejrhgf)" ]

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[ "no, the title is not sarcasm.", "i had a tough quiz today, and i did well. so i", "decided to treat myself to some taco bell, as i", "haven't had any in ages. i figured i'd be", "spending the night in, studying for my upcoming", "midterms anyway, so it didn't matter if i got the", "taco bell shits.", "i ordered a bunch of bean burritos and fucking", "demolished them. i figured even if it's the", "horrifying meat that makes redditors shit like", "they have cholera, the beans would at least give", "me some wicked farts.", "so, i waited a few hours, with no", "gastrointestinal distress. i received a text from", "a good friend i haven't seen in a while, asking", "if i wanted to have some girl time. i declined", "with the excuse that i had to study. she implored", "me again, and a second time i declined, certain i", "was making the responsible decision.", "still, my intestines and colon remained calm. i", "didn't even let a single one rip. my stomach was", "placid as fuck, i took a normal dump, and slowly", "my rage grew. nothing. i would've been fine to", "meet up with her." ]

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[ "(this was a couple months ago but i just found", "this sub-reddit and wanted to share.)", "i came back home to visit my friends and family", "from being stationed in europe for a year. the", "family threw a welcome back party for me and", "invited relatives and friends over for food and", "drinks. living in europe had inspired me to be", "more \"fashion forward\" and more aware of new", "stylish clothing. i bought my very first pair of", "grey skinny jeans just for the trip home to show", "off my new sense of style.", "the party was fun and and everyone was impressed", "with my new look. shots of tequila and mixed", "drinks were beginning to take a toll on me as my", "family were making sure i had a good time. i was", "stumbling and slurring my words around my family", "and went to the bathroom to take a piss.", "i was very drunk and still not used to skinny", "jeans. i really had to pee and i couldn't get my", "member out and through the short zipper of the", "pants. i lost my bladder and pissed my pants. my", "wife came in to find me with a distressed look on", "my face. \"what the fuck do i do?!\" then my entire", "family came in to see what was wrong.", "in the end, my younger brother lent me some", "basketball shorts and i blacked out in my little", "sister's bed as my wife tried to change my", "clothes. in the morning, i left the house", "hungover with my skinny pee pants in a bag before", "anyone woke up. now i wear skinny jeans with", "caution." ]

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[ "my housemate and i are also coursemates at uni,", "and sometimes i'll cook for both of us (no homo)", "in return for him tutoring me. i was making pork", "chops with mash potatoes. spuds are done so i go", "to mash them and they need a little milk to", "soften... get the milk from the fridge, check the", "best before (was 2 days within use by date) and", "pour some in the pan.", "it was off.", "not like slightly off either, i'm talking lumpy,", "vomit inducing yoghurt ruining my hard efforts.", "managed to scoop all the bad stuff out but broke", "the masher in anger (yes we ate them still, we're", "hungry students). so i'm stood there over the", "sink, rinsing what is left in the pan to ensure", "its edible, wondering how i'm going to mash them", "now i've broken the utensil designed specifically", "for this job when i decided it would be just as", "will to crush them in my hands.", "little did i know that while they may be cold on", "the outside, they were still near boiling", "temperatures on the inside. this was to be soon", "known all too well not just to my poor scolded", "fingers but also to the rest of our friends who", "heard me scream from the other end of the house." ]

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[ "earlier today i was trying to get to my car, which", "was on the other side of a navel-high fence. of", "course, in my divine wisdom, i decided to try and", "step over the fence rather than jumping over, or", "(better yet), walking the extra 20 yards around", "the fence. i planted one foot on the bottom rung,", "and just as i swept my other leg over to straddle", "the fence, the first foot sliped off (because icy", "fence) and my entire body weight suddenly slamed", "down onto the pointed fence via my crotch.", "i pierced my pants in two placed, stabbed my", "sack, my taint, and my butthole as i", "instinctually rolled backwards to alleviate the", "pressure on my body. fortunately for me, the", "fence was just high enough so that i couldn't", "reach the ground with my feet. the fence nearly", "went up my butt and actually gave me some really", "nice gouges near my anus. i nearly passed out", "from the pain, but luckily i didn't tear the", "sack.", "it hurts to walk, sit, stand, laugh. it hurts to", "fart. i have to gauze my butthole." ]

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[ "so today my mother was in a mood. a certain mood i", "know well, a mood that drives her to clean. so", "after deciding my room as her target, she begins", "to tear in with me by her side. she was going", "full honey badger, digging through everything,", "but i believed i had nothing to hide. then,", "turning away from a pile i was sorting, i see her", "leaning over my bed, picking up the one dark item", "in my room.", "there, in my sweet mothers hand was a crusty,", "smelly sock that i had been fapping into for", "nearly a month. my vision darkened as i waited", "for my doom. my sweet, angelic mother looked upon", "the sock, and said, \"something smells...\" then,", "she did the worst act i have ever witnessed. not", "realizing what it was, she took my smelly, crisp", "cum sock and took a nice deep whif. a deep sniff", "that stabbed into my soul like a knife. i calmly", "took it from her hands, and set it in the laundry", "basket. she still did not know, but that almost", "made it worse. tifu...", "edit: i had been washing in with the rest of my", "clothes pretty often, didn't think it was", "nasty... apparently it is. i've grown, we've all", "learned. it's been a journey, gentlemen." ]

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[ "sorry for wall of text, i typed this on my ipod.", "though this happened around three weeks ago, i'll", "believe this is probably one of my dumbest fuck", "ups i had ever made. there were only a few days", "left of my strength training class before first", "semester ended so my teacher had decided to have", "the class play a game of kickball rather than", "lifting. in this game of kickball there were only", "two bases: home and the wall on the opposite side", "of the gym. to score all you had to do was kick", "the ball and run from home to second base (the", "opposite wall), and back and not get hit with the", "ball. pretty simple and easy right? the game was", "going fine, my team was in the lead and it was", "finally my turn to kick again. my previous kick", "had caused the team to get an out so i felt that", "couldn't screw up this time. i kick the ball and", "i run at a full sprint towards second base. i was", "going fast, no one was gonna get me out. finally", "i'm approaching the wall (second base) and i", "think of the greatest idea at the time. to stop", "my fast ass i'll just stick my foot in front of", "me and pivot off the wall and run back to home.", "full speed ahead! i stick my foot infront of me", "and hit the wall. crack!!! the everyone goes", "silent as the loud snap of the bone in my leg", "echoes through the gym. there i lay in shame on", "the cold hard floor screaming all kinds of", "curses. my class surrounds me as i flail around", "in pain till my african-american friend, who i", "presumed told everyone to move out the way to", "help me up, looks me dead in the eye and says,", "\"you're stupid.\" finally my teacher comes running", "over, looks at my leg and says \"holy shit!\" now i", "lay here on my couch in a long leg cast with a", "broken tibia and fibula wondering where in life", "did i go wrong? at least i didn't shit my pants." ]

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[ "first things first: i keep good hygiene. i try to", "be clean, and like things to be clean. that being", "said, i take ass-washing seriously. i keep my ass", "clean, and wipe thoroughly.", "earlier this morning, i had to take a monster", "dump. it felt like i hadn't crapped in days. i", "had to drop a giant load, and nothing was going", "to stop me from doing so. i get to school, and", "immediately headed straight to the restroom. when", "i arrived, the restroom was cleared. it seemed", "this crap was destined by the gods, for while i", "dominated the toilet, no one came in (this could", "also be from my furious shitting, but either", "works). the shit was immaculate, and i felt so", "much lighter afterwards. i went to wipe, and in", "my favor, the paper was stainless. so much so, i", "felt i could set it out for the next person.", "however, i was suspicious, and i made sure to", "wipe a few extra times to be sure this was a", "perfect poop. indeed it was, since all others", "were stainless as well.", "fast forward to 2nd period (the bell schedule is", "set in our high school for 4 periods, each an", "hour and a half long), my ass starts to itch. the", "thought never occurred to me as too odd, so i", "dismissed it and moved on. about 30 minutes", "later, my ass really itches, and i've got a bad", "wedgie going on with it. i started to feel", "worried, and i waited for the bell to ring to", "proceed to 3rd period. the walk was long and", "awkward, and when i got there, it started to", "smell. bad. i realized that i had to check it out", "at this point, and left to use the restroom. i", "get at the stall and check why my ass had itched", "so badly.", "a huge skidmark was left on the back of my", "boxers. it was dark and thick, almost like my ass", "had painted me a picture of a log with chocolate", "syrup. completely taken back, i go to wipe. i", "could have made half a turd with what was on", "those toilet papers. i felt completely", "embarrassed and betrayed, and the smell was", "horrid. i couldn't go back into class with this,", "so i improvised. i decided to take a couple", "sheets of toilet paper, and put them on the spots", "where there was skid left.", "this plan had worked, until i felt the classroom", "start to get really hot. i was wearing a heavy", "coat to add insult to injury, so i was sweating", "bullets for *two* reasons now. class had just", "ended, so i got up hurriedly, and left. however,", "something was fatally wrong. i didn't feel the", "toilet paper, and instead felt a small collection", "of dingle berries fall down my leg and into my", "shoe. apparently, sweating with sticky shit and", "shuffling around in your desk breeds the fuckers.", "i saw my girlfriend, and completely power-walked", "past her to get to the restroom to empty my shoe.", "i counted at least 5 brown, thick dingle berries", "fall right out of my shoe. i couldn't live with", "myself the rest of the day, so i stayed put in", "4th period until i got home." ]

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[ "so this was actually last september, but i thought", "it's a good story to tell for my first reddit", "post!", "i live on the west coast of canada, so in my", "province the legal drinking age is 19. naturally,", "on my 19th birthday, my girlfriends and i head", "out to a classy restaurant with a bar vibe, since", "some of them were still underage and couldn't go", "to a bar or club. anyways, drinking shenanigans", "obviously ensue. i'm a small (5'2) girl, and was", "never much of a heavy drinker, so by the 2nd", "bellini and 2nd shot, i'm good and hammered. we", "head back to my best girlfriends house to dance,", "and a huge glass of wine,a shot and a beer are", "consumed. at this point i'm the most sloshed i've", "ever been, and throwing up over her deck. my best", "friends boyfriend hauls me over to the toilet, i", "actually pee on him while i puke, and they put me", "to bed.", "the morning rolls around, and i have a quiz at", "school (university) that i'll be damned if i", "miss, hungover and miserable as i am. i drag my", "sorry ass out of bed, shower, dress, consume a", "large glass of water and tylenol, and promptly", "puke them back up again. i make tea, sip it, and", "throw up yet again. i'm running late, so i grab a", "water bottle and head to the car. it's a half", "hour drive to school, so i fight the waves of", "nausea while sitting in traffic. i swung by a tim", "hortons drive thru to grab a bagel and more tea,", "feeling very ill at this point, but i don't want", "to be late so i keep driving despite the", "overwhelming nausea. i can feel my diaphragm", "heaving, and finally pull off into a home depot", "parking lot, and just before opening my door,", "spray vomit everywhere.", "having no other clothes, i then had to clean", "myself off with a paper napkin, and proceeded to", "drive to school, and write a quiz in puke-covered", "jeans. needless to say no one would sit near", "me...the smell of vomit lingered in my car for", "about a month despite a thorough cleaning and air", "fresheners." ]

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[ "i am from the united states but i am studying in", "florence for the semester. on my spring break i", "just traveled around italy by train. as i was", "getting ready to leave naples i went to the train", "station to get a ticket from one of the self", "service machines.", "i was not there for 10 seconds when a man walks", "up to me and asks if i speak italian. i speak a", "little so he starts talked very loudly to me", "about this thing. he goes through the menu of the", "machine and enters a special code and gets my", "ticket for 10 euro instead of 68. he then demands", "that i pay him part of the difference because he", "saved me a bunch of money. i gave him like 35", "euro which was all the cash i had with me.", "the next day on the train when they ask me for", "the ticket. after a quick look they ask for a", "eurail pass. and i'm like, shit. i don't have", "one. so they take my money. i was fined 50 euro", "and had to pay for a new ticket." ]

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[ "**wow, guys. fuck up of the week! i was not", "expecting such a response. thanks for all the", "comments and support!**", "this actually happened a few weeks ago, but i've", "just learned today of the unfortunate outcome to", "my actions.", "my friend's mother asked me to drive her to", "phoenix to pick some furniture up from her friend", "bill's house, as i am the only one in our group", "with a truck. i agreed, and off we went.", "upon arrival, and after the opening pleasantries,", "i was left to my own devices while the two catch", "up. after cracking open a beer, offered by bill", "before they disappeared into the other room, i", "discovered bill's shopping list stuck to his", "fridge. there were 4 or 5 items already written", "(i don't remember what), and i took it upon", "myself to add one, like i do. i found a sharpee,", "and added \"50 lbs monkey chow.\"", "now, i knew beforehand, and confirmed via sight", "upon arrival, that bill is disabled. it never", "occurred to me that he would have someone do his", "house cleaning and shopping for him. anita", "arrived the following day, let herself in,", "grabbed the list, and did her job. never once did", "she question the curious addition that was so", "obviously written in someone else's hand. she", "drove and searched for *hours* before finally", "finding an outlet that carried bulk quantities of", "exotic pet food *fifty god damned miles away*,", "and you bet your ass she bought it and brought it", "home to her employer, pleased as punch.", "naturally, bill was furious. he thought it was", "one of his friends from out of state that was", "visiting a few weeks earlier, messing with him,", "and called my friend's mother to complain. he was", "so mad, he fired her on the spot, and now i feel", "just awful.", "i truly can't stop laughing, but i do feel", "really, really bad.", "edit: i should have included that after hearing", "about this, i did call and own up to it. i", "explained everything, and suggested he hire her", "back, although i'm not so sure he will. the", "reimbursement check goes in the mail tomorrow.", "second edit: as it turns out, he did hire her", "back, and now keeps his shopping list hidden", "until shopping day.", "*courtesy of /u/mcelite:*" ]

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[ "yeah. so there we were.. half drunk, doin the ol'", "in and out. i felt like a pornstar, throwing dick", "like a mad man. she seems to be enjoying herself.", "i am having the time of my life. she asks me to", "bust on her tits, so when the time comes i gladly", "give her what she wants. now, i don't know about", "the rest of you guys, but when i bust a great", "one, i have a hard time thinking straight for a", "few minutes. might as well be asleep for all i", "can accomplish. so when she asks my retarded ass", "to hand her a cum rag i reach down and grab", "whatever the hell i can on the floor and tossed", "it to her. that's not exactly right. i was", "actually on the up swing with the first soft", "thing i felt on the floor when the supposed", "wadded shirt decided to explode into her pissed", "off poodle. in my post-orgasm stupidity i sling", "the seemingly rabid goddamn poodle at her at the", "speed of light. this gremlin in disguise smashes", "into her face with the force of a mike tyson", "punch. the demon dog is none too happy about this", "as you can imagine. hellhound decides since i", "have commenced evasive action while screaming my", "viking warcry he will take out his frustration on", "the next closest individual. you guessed it, the", "poor gf, who is currently disoriented and trying", "to figure out what the fuck has smashed into her", "face and why i am hollering like like i just", "zipped up my penis while simultaneously setting", "it on fire in a vice. the t-rex masquerading as a", "dog then bites the shit out of her recently", "broken nose. (i assume the initial impact broke", "it but there's no way i'm admitting that to her.)", "she then screams her amazon battle scream and", "slings shit head the dog down the hallway. so", "there i was, holding my pillow of death up like a", "shield while she punched the shit out of me til i", "manages to stop laughing (i know, i'm evil) long", "enough to explain to her why her nose is bleeding", "like hell. knock knock on the door. i discover my", "kind neighbor has called the cops after she heard", "our battle cries. so there i am, standing the", "hallway of my apartment building wearing a", "bathrobe covered in blood. laughing maniacally at", "how stupid this is going to sound. thankfully", "they split us up an my gf didn't lie and told", "them the exact same story i did they and they let", "us be. i swear those cops probably pissed", "themselves laughing at that one. for fucks sake", "man.", "edit: holy shit front page! thanks! guess i will", "share a few more events in the near future :)", "edit 2: awesome narration by shadekitty:", "https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/bedroom-brawl" ]

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[ "so i slept on the couch last night because a", "friend stayed over. i'd woken up first and wanted", "to watch some freaks and geeks, so i went", "upstairs to grab a pair of headphone so i", "wouldn't wake anyone up with the volume, because", "it was dark i accidentally plugged the headphones", "adapter into the usb heard and saw sparks and", "short circuited my laptop ...." ]

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[ "it was late at night and only my daughter and", "myself were awake. i was letting her stay up and", "watch shows on the roku in the living room. i got", "her interested in a classic that i watched when i", "was a kid, where the red fern grows.", "now, there are a few important points:", "-i was using a smartphone app as a remote control", "for the roku. it connects to the device via wifi.", "-the roku app has an option of streaming", "photographs from the phone to the television.", "you're always two clicks away from this option.", "the button for this option is right next to the", "button for the on-screen keyboard.", "-i had food on my hands, so my daughter was", "controlling the phone.", "i was trying to help her search for the show, and", "i reached down with my pinky to press the", "keyboard button for her. i pressed the wrong", "button. somehow, by the gods that organize photos", "on cell phones, two pictures popped up on the", "phone. my husband's face and his dick, with", "matching red hair. in the dick pic it was", "pointing toward the camera, like something you", "might expect to come with 3d glasses. and the one", "that popped up on the television was the dick.", "fuck.", "she covered her face and gave me a stern,", "\"mooooooommmm!\" i was so embarrassed that i", "immediately told my brother in-law and woke up my", "husband to tell him.", "honestly, it was hilarious, but i still feel bad." ]

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[ "the lights were off in my room after playing a", "game of league of legends with my friends, last", "night. after losing (it was close), i told my", "pals that i'd be calling it for the night. some", "agreed, some stayed online - yet, i knew that my", "schedule for the rest of the night included two", "things.", "i found myself masturbating at roughly 2:00 am.", "knowing that i'd be getting up at 7:00 am, i", "rushed off to sleep, shortly after brushing my", "teeth and washing my face until it was as smooth", "as a baby's bottom. fast forward to this morning.", "i pahked my cah in my normal spot in the garage.", "coincidentally, one of my employer's co-council", "parked right next to me as i was walking to the", "elevator. we talked about guitar and dave", "matthews in the elevator, and then he split to", "grab a coffee before heading into the office. i", "headed towards the office, so i could get my", "workspace set up. i walked through the automatic", "sliding doors, bid hello to my girl, the down to", "earth security lady at the front desk, and then", "made my way to the second floor via the stairs,", "making a b-line to the bathroom for a quick", "number one before work.", "after thoroughly washing my hands, i left the", "bathroom, punched the code into my office's", "keypad, and walked inside. i said hello to a few", "lawyers that work in my office, and headed to my", "area - a big conference room where i am working", "temporarily. i plugged in both my power supply", "and ethernet cord to the wall, and then placed my", "laptop on the table. i attached said cords, and", "popped the lid of my lenovo laptop open.", "what i had forgotten, was the haste in which i", "headed to bed last night. when i opened up my", "laptop, kagney linn carter was on the verge of", "bursting her vocal cords while getting", "\"missionarily\" pummeled by some random,", "large-dicked male. he was really handing it to", "her, i mean, really, giving her the business. my", "speakers were about 75%, and it was very loud and", "clear. i think she was moaning about how big his", "dick was, and how much she liked big dicks. she", "also may have been proclaiming how she was near", "orgasm. i quickly went for the mute hotkey on my", "keyboard, and then started rustling around in", "some papers while i popped on a soft pandora", "channel.", "luckily, not too many of my coworkers are here", "yet. one paralegal came into my \"office\" and", "asked me when the hobbit was coming out, with a", "relatively straight face. i informed him it was a", "few weeks ago, and we shared a high five. he", "didn't even mention the porn. phew." ]

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[ "my dad had to pay some bills and he asked to use", "my laptop, i happily obliged, opened my laptop", "and there, full screen was porn. gay porn. this", "really isn't a big deal because i am out, but it", "was really embarrassing and all i could do was", "slam my laptop shut, turn beat red and laugh. my", "dad none the less had a quite different reaction,", "i guess parents like to pretend their kids never", "get off, or have access to porn..." ]

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[ "so there i was, halfway through my movie (in the", "basement alone) when i felt the urge that our", "ancestors have felt for the last few millennia.", "it was a good movie though, and i'm lazy so i", "didn't feel like pausing it. \"just 10 more", "minutes\" i thought to myself. long story short, i", "held it for a long time and then decided i would", "be bad ass and hold it until the ending credits,", "at which point i would sprint upstairs and give", "my bladder a break.", "woohoo! bad guy in jail! movie's don...", "oh. there's an epilogue.", "well, i did say i would wait until the ending", "credits started.", "this is a fucking long epilogue...", "i reeeeeeeally have to go...", "\"but those are the best kind...\" (ending line)", "*sprints up stairs, down the hall*", "aaaaand... younger sister is washing hands.", "hold it a little longer (it's starting to squirt", "out a little bit)", "sister comes out, i go in, start with my buckle", "and..", "i piss myself right in front of the fucking", "toilet. get it all over my new (today) boots.", "i laugh, grab a towel, mop it up (i have no idea", "what i drank today, but it was a lot)", "cover my jeans with a blanket, make my excuses to", "my mother, run to my shower, and get in the", "water, clothes and all.", "my excuse for the wet clothing was \"i forgot to", "undress.\"", "i'm already laughing about it." ]

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[ "so i was just stroking the ol' sausage today when", "in a horny stupor i decided to find out what it", "felt like to cum on my face. i figured if so", "many pornstars do it then it couldn't be that bad", "right? wrong. it got all over my eyes and burned", "like a motherfucker. now my eyes are red, hurt", "like hell, and my eyelashes are encrusted with", "semen. every time i blink i feel the throbbing", "shame. never again.", "edit: wow, a lot of people know how it feels", "apparently. my eyes are back to normal now for", "anyone concerned. but the shame is still there.", "it will always be there." ]

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[ "(21/m) it was a standard wednesday night, just got", "home from work and was flopping around until the", "gf decides that it would be a good idea to go to", "a bar. ok, sure, but i have to be back early", "since i have work again the next day; immediately", "upon arrival i began the beer sprints and managed", "to kill about 10 in an hour. at this point, i'm", "pretty drunk and completely disregard time, i", "vaguely remember leaving and after that", "everything is gone. when i spoke to the gf the", "next day she said she came in and we got our", "cuddle on and then she left me asleep in my", "bed....and then i spoke to my mom. apparently,", "throughout the course of the night, i unleashed", "the full force of my pale hairy body and climbed", "into bed with my dad. he was awoken by the clumsy", "attempt to get comfortable, and proceeded to ask", "me what the actual fuck i was doing and ordered", "me to go to bed, to which i replied, \"i am", "nigger.\" multiple times." ]

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[ "today, i did a time trial on a bicycle. it's a", "race against the clock, no drafting other people,", "go at your own pace by yourself. there is a 1", "minute gap between every rider at the start, so", "to catch someone your time would have to be 1", "minute faster than theirs. really simple, and", "*really* embarrassing to fuck up. the course is", "an idyllic 10 km (6 mile) seaside loop, around", "which you do 2 laps. mostly very close to flat,", "except for one short uphill section. i was", "feeling good, and i wanted to keep my average", "speed above 40 km/h (25 mph).", "halfway through and starting my second lap i was", "feeling really good, my speed was hovering around", "41 and i was pretty comfortable, relaxed and", "ready to pick up the pace towards the end. as i", "hit the bottom of the short incline i focused on", "not slowing down too much. coming over the top of", "the incline i focused on getting myself back up", "to speed. i was just about to settle back into my", "pace when all of a sudden i was on my back, in a", "ditch, my own bike at my left and a toppled", "tricycle on my right.", "i was shocked at myself and i didn't know what to", "do, so i gingerly righted her trike. she didn't", "say anything, and all i could say was \"sorry, oh", "my god, oh my god, oh my sorry!\" over and over", "again. it all happened so quickly, but", "fortunately our injuries were limited to mild", "road rash. unfortunately, the brand new, team", "issue, two hundred dollar skinsuit i was wearing", "at the time became garbage all at once. it was", "the single most disheartening moment of my life,", "and it honestly took all of my resolve not to cry", "out of pure disapointment in myself.", "it turns out, she was actually a gold-medal", "paralympian in women's paraplegic road racing. a", "racing model handcycle like hers is worth at", "least eight thousand dollars, fortunately", "nobodies cycles got hurt. and once i got over the", "initial feeling of just pure desire to cease", "existing because what i had done i felt fine." ]

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[ "my mom wakes me up today and says that someone is", "here to talk to me. [i am just", "like](http://i.imgur.com/elpcotw.gif). i go out", "to the living room and a teacher from my old", "elementary is sitting there (my mother works at", "that elementary).", "\"mr. d is here to talk to you about being gay,\"", "says my mother.", "[what the", "fuck!?!?](http://i.imgur.com/8lv7uou.gif)", "[i just stand", "there...](http://i.imgur.com/ai3cglt.gif) [\"uhm..", "i don't understand what's going", "on.\"](http://i.imgur.com/2wnkhaz.gif) i feel", "moderately embarrassed and extremely confused.", "the teacher is gay, he is probably the only gay", "person my mom knows, so that's why he was called.", "he asks if i would rather talk with him alone", "about this kind of thing. we head outside to the", "deck and my mom waits inside.", "\"your mom called me last night because she thinks", "i am well equipped to handle this situation.\" he", "begins.", "\"i think that there may have been some sort of", "misunderstanding.\" i think i begin to grasp", "what's going on here.", "he explains the situation about how the other", "night when i spoke with my mom and i came out to", "her. he says i came out to her when i told her", "that my favourite song is \"same love\" by", "macklemore, i had her listen to it. my mother and", "i began to talk, that night, about gay rights and", "about how passionate i am when it comes to that", "sort of thing. (she is extremely religious and i", "an atheist)", "to end it he says this, \"your mother has always", "thought you were gay and figured you were finally", "coming out of the closet.\"", "[for awhile i just stand", "there](http://i.imgur.com/fuxkmoh.gif)", "she thought that the only way i would be so", "interested in that kind of thing is if i were gay", "myself. she took my explanation about my passion", "for gay rights as \"i am gay\".", "he finally asks the question, \"are you gay?\"", "i may have a weird sense of humor because i", "started to find the situation kind of", "entertaining, i reply", "\"[no.](http://i.imgur.com/blfkqsr.gif)\"", "i feel slightly terrible because i have just", "wasted this guys time.", "okay, now for the worst part, she had told", "several people and most of my family about the", "situation. she never even directly asked me if i", "was gay. she said that it was pretty clear i came", "out of the closet when i said \"same love\" is a", "good song.", "[inside me](http://i.imgur.com/qrtpibx.gif)", "i stayed calm the whole time. she never", "apologized for what happened or even said", "anything about it after mr. d left." ]

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[ "technically speaking this happened on monday, but", "it gets better. well, worse in my case. this is", "all for your entertainment.", "monday i went to the beach with some friends.", "totally normal day at the beach. everything was", "chill and and as expected. i, personally, hate", "going into the water. the idea of bacteria and", "fishy fecal matter makes me cringe. that and", "local pools (although there is chlorine, i still", "don't care). *anyways.*", "i was wearing a muscle shirt and brought my sand", "chair. i **loathe** the idea of wearing", "sunscreen. the texture and smell of it make me", "nauseous. lotion, too. so, i got up every so", "often just to stretch and walk the beach to maybe", "try and avoid being fried. it worked mildly. i", "continued watching my friends gallop in the shit", "infested ocean and swallow pints of salty fish", "droppings. we spent about 3 hours there.", "i got this really nice sunburn. my skin was", "pretty tight and red. i thought, \"meh. it's just", "sunburn. it will go away and [i can go back to", "normal", "living.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zi", "14)\"", "i enjoy the rest of the day with my friends.", "dinner, road trip, then home. shower. sleep.", "done.", "i wake up and my arms are littered in blisters,", "they are radiating intense heat, and are so", "bright red you could direct traffic with them.", "the tops of my feet were burnt a little and my", "right foot's skin is so tight that whenever i", "take a step, blood pressure builds in my foot,", "and pushes against my skin causing unfathomable", "pain.", "today is day 3 of said burnt skin. i will be", "missing about 4 days of work and approximately", "$177.67 worth of payment. oh, and, i lied to my", "employer thinking that they wouldn't accept", "sunburn as an appropriate excuse. i said that, \"i", "have a decent laceration on my upper left leg", "when i fell in the ocean. i am headed to the", "emergency room to get stitches.\" now i need a", "doctor's note upon my return. a doctor's visit is", "$75. i have no health insurance. i thought, \"ok.", "appropriate, i suppose. these burns look", "serious.\"", "to the doctor i drove. it was a walk in clinic.", "it was confirmed that i had 2^nd degree burns and", "i was prescribed a cream (silver sulfadiazine)." ]

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[ "i was listening to this new song", "[here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bf-8uc07pu", ").", "then my mom walked in and i accidentally clicked", "on [this", "video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lz5eyf0f9pu", ")", "of a girl shaking her butt to a song because i", "jumped when she opened the door. then to make", "matters worse i tried to click away from it real", "quick and told my mom", "[this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64v_sjd3rhk", ")", "was the one i was watching and accidentally", "clicked the wrong video again (another hot booty", "shaking video)! now my mom thinks i have some", "kind of sick butt fetish, and she wont look me in", "the eye. what should i do redditors? she wont", "beleive me it was an accident. although the girls", "have some very nice bottoms to say the least i", "can't stand my mom thinking i'm a freak!" ]

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[ "i was at a school competition today, and my mom", "brought me a peanut butter and banana sandwich.", "problem is, we had bottles of chocolate milk at", "home, but my mom only had orange juice.the", "chocolate milk/peanut butter combo i had been", "looking forward to was now out of my reach.", "accepting the orange juice, i decided to eat my", "sandwich.", "tragedy struck.", "after a few bites, i felt a sour taste on my", "tongue. i kept eating, and then i realized that", "you shouldn't have peanut butter and orange", "juice.", "i spent the next half hour feeling like i was", "going to throw up, and when i got home took a", "horrible shit. worst thing i've eaten in awhile." ]

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[ "sleeping off headaches is not the greatest of", "ideas.", "okay so this is the first week of school, i've", "been under a lot of stress lately because of it", "and it doesn't help that i've had my time of the", "month recently. i woke up this morning about 1", "am, my head pounding furiously like the beating", "of drums.", "i was in complete excruciating pain, so i crawled", "my way over to my parent's room and woke my mom", "up, because she has gigantic elephant strength", "ibuprofen pills. that, and i was so completely", "blinded by pain that i could barely move, walk or", "talk. laying down made the pain worse. mom woke", "up, she kinda panicked because i was crying and", "sobbing and had my hands over my eyes because the", "light she turned on hurt like a bitch. she", "managed to get me downstairs, sat me down in our", "reclining chair and got me to take an ibuprofen.", "a cold washcloth over my eyes and a barf bucket", "completed the ensemble of migraine. and,", "unfortunately, i always barf when i have", "migraines. that pill didn't quite last long in my", "stomach. lo and behold, i upchuck acid and other", "shit, and like magic some of that shit *came out", "my nose*. after that i just kinda fell asleep in", "the chair and i don't remember anything else", "after that." ]

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[ "earlier, i had just taken a drink of cola when a", "coworker said something funny that caused another", "coworker to spit out the water she was drinking", "all over her desk.", "this caused me to laugh and made me nearly spit", "my own beverage out all over *my* desk. luckily,", "i had an empty coffee cup handy, so i spit into", "that instead of trying to swallow it and having", "it shoot out of my nose.", "shortly afterwards, i had to leave my desk for", "a while. when i came back, i noticed that i still", "had some coffee in my cup and figured i'd finish", "it before going to wash my cup.", "i thought it tasted a bit odd and it took a", "minute for it to register that i had just drank", "my own spit. yay me." ]

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[ "i have lurked this subrreddit for a while snd", "thought i would never join the ranks but today my", "day has come. so i have been dating this girl for", "a few months and i thought it was time to trim", "the bush, so to speak. i also recently moved out", "of home, but when i was living there i did the", "trimming with scissors (sense an issue yet?) and", "a razor to polish it off.", "i needed a pair of scissors and the only options", "at the supermarket were $9 super dooper ones or", "childs ones for $3. kids it is. got home and", "started to remove hair as normal, but started to", "rush as i have to go somewhere tonight. then", "suddenly a shock of pain shot through me, and i", "look down to find i have cut my ballsack along", "that ridge bit between the two halves. it's", "stopped bleeding now so i finished the rest as", "best i could. hopefully sex tonight isnt too", "painful :/" ]

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[ "my ex and i were together for a year, and we got", "really serious. we've been broken up for a couple", "of months, and we've been trying to be friends to", "avoid any more drama. he and his friend came over", "to my apartment for a few drinks, and they came", "over already drunk. soon, my ex collapsed on my", "bed, and his friend soon after.", "i managed to get his friend to sleep on a", "mattress on the floor, and i tried to get my ex", "to get up and sleep next to his friend. he", "refused, saying he wanted to sleep in my bed.", "soon enough we were making out, and we", "got...handsy with each other. while his friend", "was in the same room. and i didn't think to check", "if his friend had indeed passed out.", "he was thinking that we could be friends with", "benefits, and i had been thinking the same thing.", "but he's been crushing on this other girl, who", "likes him as well. he told me that he wasn't", "really pursuing a relationship with her, but i", "have my doubts. so i don't know where we're going", "to go from here. his friend caught us that next", "morning sleeping next to each other, and i don't", "know if he told that other girl.", "so now i think that by trying not to create more", "drama, i just caused a bit more of it than i can", "handle." ]

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[ "i woke up this morning feeling nonchalant, with", "the assumption that my day was going to be", "uneventful and boring. little did i know my", "small decision at lunch was going to have the", "flames of hell all up in my anus and a very,", "very, painful bathroom experience.", "i recently just finished my summer class and have", "been waking up pretty late, usually around", "9-10am. so i do some chores and skip breakfast.", "at around 2pm i am feeling very hungry and look", "through the kitchen for some grub. i had the", "choice of frozen pizza, pb & j, or mac and", "cheese. the college lifestyle. anyway, i opted", "for the frozen pizza. as i'm waiting for the", "20mins to pass i flip on \"the doctors\" on abc,", "and i get educated on how birth control may", "affect your choice in men. interesting concepts", "but not really useful to me, as i am a straight", "male, nevertheless now i know which guy i would", "go for on birth control.", "the alarm goes off on the oven and i'm starving", "at this point. i'm ready to devour this pizza and", "make it my bitch. first though, i need my pepper", "flakes to give the pizza that zesty flare, or", "about as much as you can do with frozen pizza. i", "have three slices and put a good amount of pepper", "flakes on two of the slices. but then i think,", "\"i'm feeling pretty badass why not put flakes on", "all three slices!\" #yolo. little did i know my", "daredevil decision would leave my butthole in", "agony.", "fast forward some hours and you all can guess", "what pizza for brunch will do to you. put you on", "the toilet. luckily i didn't shit my pants like", "everyone else. as i'm on the toilet i can tell", "its going to be bad, my anus is already clenching", "for the pain that was about to strike. these", "pepper flakes did not breakdown while being", "digested. instead they ended up rubbing against", "the sides of my anus. i felt like someone was", "shoving a chili pepper up my ass. but passing it", "through my anus was not the worst part. it was", "the wiping! my butt felt sore and on fire, i", "think if i farted a flame would shoot out, i", "imagine i got a taste of what women go through", "in labor. at this point my butt feels paralyzed", "with pain and i don't even want to even touch it.", "but i couldn't leave it un-wiped though, that's", "disgusting. so i wipe and it felt like rubbing", "sandpaper against me soft butt skin. i'm pretty", "sure i was violated by crushed pepper flakes.", "somehow i managed to man-up and wipe my anus", "clean. my butt and i are doing fine now, but", "still have a little pain recoil from this near", "death experience. care to anyone reading this,", "don't put to much crushed pepper flakes on your", "food." ]

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[ "so, i've recently been having random bouts of", "sleepwalking. at least i think that's what it is.", "i've never had problems with it, though i am a", "restless sleeper. it's happened three or four", "times in the past six months or so and usually i", "will gradually wake up while doing some arbitrary", "things like emptying trash bins or washing my", "hands in the kitchen.", "i gain consciousness slowly and, for a while,", "what i'm doing makes total sense. like, why", "wouldn't i be emptying trash bins at 3 a.m. when", "i was just sleeping and should still be sleeping.", "then, as i come to, i am usually confused and", "don't remember what i was doing before or why i", "was suddenly compelled to do so. it's been mostly", "harmless so far, so i don't think anything of it", "and go back to sleep. i have no clue what is", "causing it and there doesn't seem to be anything", "that sets it off.", "anyway, i'm out of town for work for a couple", "weeks and i'm staying at a hotel. i don't", "remember what my dream was, but i remember the", "feeling that there was something out in the hall", "that i needed to check on. i sleep in my", "underwear and no shirt usually, but i remember my", "sleep-self thinking that i was only going to go", "check on whatever it was that i needed to since", "it would be quick and so i wouldn't have to", "bother putting pants on. you can see where this", "is going. i wake up as my room door shuts behind", "me with a thud and, of course, sleep-me didn't", "have the foresight to grab my room keycard. this", "is odd since when i'm awake i'm always paranoid", "that i'll forget my keycard and double-check that", "it's in my pocket every time i leave the room.", "so, it's 1 a.m., i'm wearing nothing but a pair", "boxer-briefs, and i'm locked out of my room. i", "have to walk down to the front and there are", "multiple buildings so i use the phone in the", "front to call the front office, had to explain to", "her that i could not walk 100 feet across the", "courtyard to get a new card, because i was not", "wearing pants, and wait awkwardly in the", "entrance, praying that nobody else walked up. i", "also at this point was still in a state of", "confusion about my actions, so i didn't even", "really realize that i had sleepwalked again.", "thus, i have no explanation as to *why* i am", "locked out of my room with no pants on in the", "middle of the night. regardless, the lady at the", "front desk brought me my key and i went back to", "sleep, still confused as to what exactly", "happened.", "p.s. if the nice, non-judgmental woman who works", "at the residence inn in slc happens to be a", "redditor, i apologize for my lack of modesty and", "thanks for helping me out." ]

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[ "sitting at a light, (the light is green and i'm", "waiting to turn left as cars pass by) i look up", "into my rear view mirror to see a jeep coming in", "pretty fast and wouldn't you know it, a screech,", "then a small slam as my car lurches forward. fast", "forward about 2 minutes and we both pull over to", "inspect the damage, after asking if she is okay i", "look at my rear bumper to see if there is any", "damage, and seeing as my car isn't in the best", "shape to begin with, i can't tell if there is", "honestly any new scratches or dings, so that's", "good news. i go over to the ladies car to see her", "bumper slightly off-set, but other than, in fine", "shape. i ask the lady again if her and her", "daughter are okay, she apologizes once again, and", "we part ways.", "this was 3 days ago, i hadn't driven the car very", "much at all between today and the accident but", "today i woke up to go to a friends house and", "began to back down my driveway, when my car makes", "an awful, just absolutely horrible screeching and", "grinding sound before i shut it off and leave it", "in the driveway. i later power through the noise", "and take it to a local mechanic. after about an", "hour of waiting, they inform me that i have about", "$2000 dollars worth of repairs to be done on my", "car. now lets keep in mind that my car is only", "worth 4-5k so this is a lot to a prospective", "college student. i am baffled as he rattles off", "the list of problems to me (also i would like to", "add that i had it taken in a month or two earlier", "and it had no problems other than needing the", "tires rotated.) now i need to fix my", "transmission, alignment, sway bar, and a variety", "of other small fixes for which i do not have the", "money for, all because i didn't think it was", "necessary to get the ladies insurance information", "after the accident and now my college bound", "budget is paying the price.", "moral of the story: always get the other drivers", "insurance information, no matter how small the", "accident, because it could end up saving you lots", "and lots of money and time in the future." ]

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[ "this wasn't actually today, couple of years back", "(17 at the time). but still, i feel you should", "all know and laugh!", "so... i all begins with going to a friends party", "(hawaiian) where a lot of friends were going as", "well. as i was underage i couldn't go to the shop", "and buy some beer so i had to scout around the", "house to find some sufficient alcohol. i stumble", "upon an un-opened liter bottle of jd. jackpot!", "so i meet with friends to get the bus, her family", "had put on a minibus 'cause they live in the", "middle of fucking no where! by the time the bus", "had arrived, i had already consumed a good 1/4 of", "the bottle. feeling a little drunk already.", "fast forward a few hours. we're at the party,", "having a grand time. i'm about 2/3rd of the", "bottle down and getting bored of the jd. scouting", "around the party i find an un-opened crate, to", "which me and friends quickly consume.", "fast forward another few hours. time to fuck off", "home. i've finished the bottle of jd and a good", "8/10 cans. i somehow had brought an inflatable", "palm tree on the bus with me. so we set off home,", "taking the piss out of each other and what not", "when my friend decides it'd be a good idea to", "bite the palm tree and pop it, which led to water", "streaming down the isle on the bus.", "so i finally arrive home, absolutely soaking wet", "'cause it was pissing it down. my nan's still up", "and starts shouting at me to put my wet clothes", "to the wash so i don't get anything wet. i then", "decide it's a good idea to go and sit outside,", "stark bollock naked, and have a cig. which leads", "to me thinking it'd be a good idea to massage the", "cyclops. so i'm there, tugging away with some", "porn on my phone. then a fucking bellowing sound", "of \"what do you think you're doing!\" comes from", "behind me. i turn around, nan's there.", "wake up next morning, nan says to me \"do you know", "what you were doing last night?\" to which a swift", "\"no\" was replied and carried on with my day." ]

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[ "well actually last night. recently my headset", "stopped working so i have been using earbuds to", "listen to games and videos on my computer. i", "wanted to watch a movie on netflix and having no", "speakers other than the earbuds i decided to move", "my computer closer to my bed so i could lay in it", "an watch the movie. my desk is a glass desk and", "my computer case has rubber feet. well without", "thinking about it i picked up my computer and", "moved it a bit. what went wrong was when it", "wasn't enough and i scooted it a little. the", "rubber feet on the glass desk made it bounce a", "bit. the one slight inch or two killed my", "computer. it blue screened and restarted so i", "just turned it off and went to bed. i woke up", "this morning and turned it on. it brought up a", "screen called startup repair. i sat there for 30", "minutes as it apparently tried to repair my fuck", "up. i can't really say i'm surprised it", "couldn't... :/", "no big deal right? just buy a new hard drive and", "re-install windows right? well i would if i had", "any money. i am 19 and have been trying for", "months to get a damn job and with no luck.", "apparently having my own car and telling them i", "am available weekends, nights, holidays, as many", "hours as you need me, etc. isn't enough to get a", "job at a fast food place or a stocking position.", "i can't help but laugh at my stupidity. guess i", "am using my parents extremely slow laptop to", "continue filling out job applications. :)" ]

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[ "so its the fourth of july and my town has the", "fireworks show at the park two blocks from my", "house. instead of going through the trouble of", "finding parking we just sit on our roof and watch", "the show. well me being the total idiot i am i", "left the window to my second story bedroom window", "wide open with the light on. coming in from my", "roof i notice a few flies in my room. i don't", "think anything of it until i lay down on my bed", "and look up to see the whole damn ceiling moving.", "my bedroom light acted as a beacon for over 500", "flies and they were swarming on the ceiling like", "some classic horror movie shit. my mom is", "petrified in fear, my sister just bails and my", "dad is just scratching his head wondering how the", "hell i managed this. i noped the hell out of", "there and after an hour and burnt out vacuum belt", "i finally got the situation under control. happy", "fourth every one." ]

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[ "background: i was working at one job when i found", "another, so i gave my two weeks. i had been", "friendly at work with managers in another", "department who were still technically supervisors", "to me. this meant no fraternization because to", "them i was \"staff\" even though we are close in", "age.", "so anyway...", "after i gave my two weeks one of the managers and", "i are in private and he says to me, \" good thing", "about you not working here anymore is now we can", "*talk*...\"", "i was caught off guard and laughed it off, but i", "was flattered. then i remembered he was married,", "so i thought nope. but i replied to his texts", "(after i moved onto my new job) against my better", "judgement. he said he just wanted to talk, and", "talk he does. he claims his wife doesn't want to", "hear about his day blah blah blah, just needs to", "vent. i let him drop by my place twice after work", "a couple times, it was just a lot of talking. i", "felt guilty though. he has a wife and a small", "daughter!", "so last night he drops by again and we chat for a", "while but honestly i'm not interested in the guy", "and it just made me feel terrible. i knew he", "wanted more than just our little chats, too. so i", "told him that i felt bad, he shouldn't be", "stopping to see me, and maybe he should consider", "counseling with his wife so he could talk to her", "instead of going outside the relationship. from", "what he's said it sounds like two people under", "stress who are fighting because of it, something", "that could maybe be repaired. he sort of shrugged", "my suggestion off and i told him he really needs", "to think about what he's doing, and what he", "wants. i really meant it, i really didn't want to", "break some one's marriage.", "today he texted me to tell me that he told his", "wife this morning he's leaving her.", "edit: thank you folks you made me feel much", "better. i plan on having no further contact with", "him. either he's lying just to get with me or", "he's a giant asshole. not going near that with a", "hazmat suit on." ]

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[ "well its my time of the month and mother nature", "just knocked on the door.behold the time that i", "very much despise and love at the same time! and", "of course the time when i get bitchy and", "lazy.well lets get to my tifu moment.everything", "was going good until i woke up and went to the", "restroom for my morning pee. then i noticed it", "was finally here! (hooray! i am not pregnant.)", "anyways i was running late for my morning", "classes. so i grabbed a pad from my cabinet in a", "hurry and didn't even bother to look if i put it", "on right. c'mon now, i've done it a bunch of", "times i think i am a pro here!well... bad idea.", "my dumbass should had looked. turns out that i", "put it on sticky side up. and well lets say i am", "a women who loves the pubes. likes to have them", "trimmed/cut and simple. ha well i sat through", "class wondering why my \"lady parts\" felt unusual", "and rather sticky. and just plain out weird, i", "wont get into detail. lets just say it was a", "horrendous moment.so i kindly walked out of the", "classroom to the ladies room, pull down the pants", "and then i noticed... my poor tootsie was", "literally stuck to that damn wonderful pad of", "mine.my pubes where stuck to it as well and it", "was a pain in the \"vagina\"(pun) to get it off. it", "felt as if i where getting a slow type of", "brazilian wax. i got rather angsty and thought", "\"maybe if i pull it off real fast it might not", "hurt\". well ladies and gentlemen i was **wrong!**", "i closed my eyes and pulled it off as fast as i", "could. there where literally pubes on the damn", "pad! i don't think i ever wanted to cry as much", "as i did today. my lady parts still hurt, and i", "have a zip lock bag filled with ice on them. ):", "ladies! please learn off of my mistake and", "**always** look if you put it on correctly.", "edit:spelling errors." ]

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[ "yeah yeah i know another ball shaving story. i", "never thought i would find myself in this", "position but here we go anyway. so i haven't seen", "my gf in a while (few months) so i've kinda just", "letting my mane rage pretty hard. i finally had a", "date lined up tonight so i was like yeah might as", "well manscape a little bit. well i normally do it", "with just a hand razor in the shower (ballsy i", "know), but this time i was like huh i should just", "use this small set of scissors. little did i know", "this would be life changing and has now changed", "the way i will manscape for the rest of my life.", "here's the fuck up: i'm basically done and", "getting a little fast and loose with the", "scissors, which is when i cut my sack pretty", "good. it bled for a while (probably about 40", "minutes). i finally put a band-aid on it and went", "out with the gf, hoping that i would be able to", "duck out into the bathroom at some point, remove", "the band aid, and proceed to have sexytimes. well", "it essentially worked, was able to throw away the", "band aid and stop the bleeding before she went", "down there, so mission accomplished." ]

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[ "i've been a virgin for so fucking long. too long.", "i don't want to give numbers but, much longer", "than any of my friends. so naturally, when the", "opportunity came to have intercourse, i over", "thought things to a grave and dark extent.", "so i was talking to this girl i've been casually", "flirting with for the last few months, and things", "were going good. she started making fun of my", "car, and i couldn't think because i had a raging", "erection and was trying to fix it by giving", "myself a [canadian belt", "buckle](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php", "?term=canadian%20beltbuckle)", "through my pants pockets (an impossible task to", "say the least), so i just responded with \"blow", "me.\" off the top of my head. she smiled and said", "\"well your birthday is coming up this weekend...\"", "fuck yes. go time.", "i got home that night and shaved the dark jungle", "that had developed from my tangled pubes and", "practically jizzed from the excitement of", "trimming the bush for the first time. i couldn't", "even hardly sleep that night, i just kept", "masterbating, over and over, until i was pretty", "sure i was shooting air out of my dick because my", "balls were so sucked dry.", "the next day, being the internet addict that most", "of us are, i researched for hours the proper", "blowjob etiquette, and somewhere along my", "research, i read that pineapple can make your", "semen taste sweet.i thought *well i'll be damned", "if i don't have the sweetest cum in the western", "hemisphere by this weekend.*", "i drove to the store, bought 5 gallons of", "pineapple juice and 6 raw pineapples. i had 4", "days to prepare my testicles. over a gallon and", "around 1 and a half pineapples every day. then, i", "had this thought. this fucking horrible thought.", "*what if it's not sweet, i have to know, i have", "to taste it.* i couldn't get the thought out of", "my head. i had talked myself into it after an", "hour.", "the next morning, i jumped in the shower with my", "mind set on what i was about to do. it probably", "took me around forty minutes to finish, because i", "was so disgusted with myself on what was about to", "go down. i turned off the shower. i had to make", "this quick before i can stop myself. finish in my", "left hand, pumping harder than i should have with", "my right. cramp up in my right quad. *don't give", "up.* i shoved my left palm in my mouth and licked", "quickly but efficiently. **what the fuck have i", "just done** i vomitted all over my shower", "immediately. i ran out of the shower without even", "cleaning any of the mess up and sprinted towards", "the mouthwash in my medicine cabinet. i rinsed", "with mouthwash probably seven times. nothing can", "ever get that flavor out of my memory. let me", "tell you something- *it's not fucking sweet*" ]

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[ "i was going to use a throwaway for this but fuck", "it, i deserve to be shit on for this.", "this actually happened about a week ago at a good", "friend's college graduation party. i was pretty", "drunk and decided to piss into an empty beer cup.", "my friend and i usually fuck with people so we", "thought it'd be funny. didn't really have a plan", "for what i was going to do with it, maybe trick", "someone into taking a sip of it, i don't know,", "i'm an asshole. anyways, like i said i was pretty", "drunk and helping my buddy cook some sausage on", "the grill. once the sausage was done i cut a", "small piece to sample, and naturally took a sip", "of my nice cold beer because the sausage was", "right off the grill. it wasn't a timid sip", "either, rather a nice, big,", "wash-down-that-tasty-sausage gulp.", "my beer was neither cold, nor beer. at least it", "was my own piss and not someone else's.", "i actually held it in my mouth for a split", "second, in disbelief, and then spit it out.", "i poured the rest out." ]

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[ "one of those situations where you invite a few", "friends over.. then they invite a few friends", "over and before you know it theres 90 drunk high", "school kids running about tearing shit up trying", "to have a 'project x' experience. of course the", "cops got called, luckily they were extremely nice", "and didn't give a single mic or me any fines", "however the conversation with my parents didn't", "go over well so i now no longer will be attending", "the out of state college i earlier planned on,", "prom, or graduation parties, all privileges", "revoked ( including phone and car) and am stuck", "in my room for a seemingly long time and have to", "come up with 1200$ to fix the damages done." ]

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[ "i'm a 16 year old girl and i'm quite small. like", "any lazy day i was just downing a total of two", "whole packs (12 in each pack) of these sugar-free", "mints called breathsavers. in about an hour i was", "getting that terrible gurgly sound from the deep", "depths of my stomache. everyone has had this", "sound at least one time in their life and we all", "know that it is the universal have-to-shit", "calling.", "what happens next i will not go into great detail", "but it was the worst night of my life. from about", "9pm to 3am i was sleeping on the bathroom floor", "and getting up about every ten minutes to let", "loose yet another rain of shit.", "soon the pain subsided and after a little", "research i figured out the culprit was sorbitol.", "this artificial sugar alcohol is used in any", "\"sugar-free\" foods and apparently eating it in", "excess may cause \"explosive diarrhea.\" so now", "here i am the next morning downing all the water", "i can because of the severe dehydration. sorbitol", "not even once." ]

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[ "i was sitting on my couch eating a pear and being", "the lazy fucker that i am, i decided that i would", "throw the pear into garbage from where i was", "sitting. i flung the pear core at the garbage but", "apparently i'm not basketball player so the core", "bounced off the ceiling and hit a couple other", "objects before landing unceremoniously on the", "ground.", "i looked up at where the pear had hit the ceiling", "and see a green streak. so i decided to get out", "the cleaner and get rid of the stain. turns out", "blue coloured cleaner and a white ceiling aren't", "best of friends so as i was scrubbing the pear", "streak off the ceiling it started leaving a blue", "tinge in the paint. i thought that since it was", "just a white ceiling, i could paint over the spot", "with some white paint that they had left over", "after finishing the house.", "what i didn't know was that the ceiling was done", "with a matte finish while the paint i was using", "was a semi-gloss finish. so instead of covering", "up the stain, i just made it more noticeable." ]

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[ "all right, let me set the stage for you.", "it's 5:25pm, and my baseball team has been", "playing since. 4:30. not too long of a game, and", "its winding down in the 6th (we play 7).", "i've been pitching all day, and neither teams", "have been doing very well. it's 1-1 and they", "have a runner on second, 1 out. my catcher likes", "to give the sign to throw a breaking ball (for", "those of you that don't know, a breaking ball is", "a pitch that, basically, isn't a fastball), and", "this time he gives me a sign for a slider. a", "slider is a pitch that involves a very fast", "\"snap\" of the wrist, and you tend to feel a small", "burn in your elbow. i oblige, lift up my right", "leg (i'm a lefty) swing my arm flawlessly up over", "my head, and flick my wrist to throw the pitch.", "well, i've had some problems with my arm", "recently, and this was the breaking point. i", "heard a loud \"pop\" and a shooting pain in my", "elbow. i butchered the pitch totally, and it", "flew at our dugout. i was shouting every curse", "word i've known, and apparently, that's grounds", "for suspension in the ihsa. so, on top of the", "possibility of never throwing a ball again, i'm", "suspended for two games.", "sorry for the wall of text!" ]

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[ "my teacher asked a question about a video game", "made in japan titled \"rapeplay\" where the goal of", "the game is to rape girls. he then explained that", "it was completely legal, and our class was", "obviously uncomfortable about the game. he asked", "why that should be illegal, and call of duty", "should be legal. i answered that since it is", "harder to get illegal guns than it is in the usa", "so the game was more realistic to japanese people", "and thats why they were comfortable with it. what", "i meant was, americans are more desensitized to", "guns so thats why north america is more", "comfortable with games based on that subject, so", "in japan they must be somewhat desensitized to", "rape because its heavily present in the culture", "(ie, porn.)" ]

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[ "**this post is gross and could be potentially", "triggering** this actually happened a couple", "weeks ago, but i just found this sub and thought", "my story was worthy. i've been bulimic for a", "while and in order to hide the teeth marks, i", "tried to use other instruments to trigger my", "gagging. other things, like spoons and", "toothbrushes hurt and in my pathetic desperation", "to vomit, i saw one of my tampons and thought why", "the fuck not?", "so i started throwing up but using (unwrapped)", "tampons. yep. no way this could go wrong, right?", "it did work out for a while... one day i waited", "for my roommate to go to class so i could do it", "and went about my routine, swallowed a little bit", "but thought nothing of it. a bit farther into it", "i just gulped it whole all of a sudden. i stood", "there in shock for a second as i gasped and", "grabbed my throat, but i could breathe. i was so", "scared, i rushed for my toothbrush and started", "shoving it down there to try and throw the tampon", "back up and i ended up with a mess of vomit and", "blood all over my hands and toilet. it was awful", "because i could feel the plastic at the back of", "my throat, but i couldn't get a grip on it to", "pull it out. i tried to convince myself i could", "just let it go through my digestive system, but i", "knew that was fucking ridiculous.", "i asked my roommate to take me to urgent care", "without explanation in hopes to avoid an", "expensive er trip, which meant i waited a whole", "night with a tampon in my throat. i told my", "boyfriend the truth, and he still is the only one", "who knows the truth, and he was pissed that i", "wouldn't just go to the er, and also pissed", "because i lied to him about ending my bulimia but", "most of all he was worried. well, next day,", "urgent care couldn't do it and i had to spend", "hours at the er anyways. i waited so long to get", "drugged, awkwardly explain that there was a", "tampon in my throat because \"i was drunk and my", "friends dared me to swallow it\" and have a camera", "shoved down my throat.", "the only other two who even know something", "happened think i swallowed something else", "because i \"was just absentmindedly chewing\" on", "it. now i have a huge hospital bill because i", "have no insurance. i also have pics of the tampon", "in my throat, which are kinda cool and kinda", "depressing." ]

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[ "over the past few months i have had many problems", "with my current school and obtaining admission. i", "have had problems with not obtaining key", "scholarships on time. student loans are having", "problems right now so i may have to pay out of", "pocket and be reimbursed. i don't have the money.", "i may have to wait until january to start school.", "all of the classes that i had signed up for early", "will go away and be a waste. the hundreds of", "dollars i spent on reserving a dorm will be", "wasted. nothing is going the way it should." ]

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[ "a few hours ago i went with my fwb to a local", "24-hour diner for an after-midnight dinner. we", "had a nice dinner, but all throughout the meal", "she was being very flirty and playful in an", "erotic sort of way (but subtle enough so as to", "not be indecent). let's just say ol' willy got a", "rise out of all the attention.", "cut to the end of the meal. we paid for the meal", "and walked out the door. at this point i was", "almost ready to pounce on her. then, suddenly, it", "happened: my shorts just slid down my legs on", "their own volition, **right as new customers were", "approaching the front door.** private johnson was", "still at attention at this point, but thankfully", "it was dark enough that nobody noticed. i swore", "like a sailor with tourette's as some drunk kid", "laughed at me and i quickly yanked my shorts back", "up. we got in the car and drove off. needless to", "say i was no longer in a frisky mood after that.", "i'm glad i decided not to freeball it tonight." ]

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[ "i have adhd medication in my cabinet at home that", "i need to take. well this morning, it just so", "happens that i grab the wrong bottle, and popped", "two hydrocodone. i had these in my cabinet from a", "surgery on my shoulder a while back. i'm a lot", "more sensitive to prescription drugs, so", "painkillers make me hallucinate. i then head to", "work, arriving on time, when the effects set it.", "i sit at my desk, and my keyboard starts melting.", "or so that's what i thought. in confusion i", "jumped back and stood up on my chair. then my", "laptop grew a face and began yelling at me. turns", "out the laptop wasn't yelling, it was my boss.", "then i turn to look at my boss and i see a demon.", "it was the scariest thing i had ever seen. then", "the floor turned into lava and everything started", "sinking and melting. naturally i start screaming.", "it looked a bit like this", "http://i.imgur.com/7uaefoh.gif except i was", "shrieking like a banshee. my boss promptly called", "security and i was tackled out of my chair. that", "was the last thing i remembered. when i woke up i", "was on the couch. my office called my girlfriend", "and she picked me up. i got up and went to the", "kitchen to get food, but ended up getting a", "fucking lecture. my girlfriend watched the", "security tapes and was extremely pissed. i then", "went to the computer, and shamefully wrote this.", "edit: i also take a bong hit each morning, as it", "wakes me up. so hydrocodone and a fat toke will", "definitely fuck you up." ]

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[ "i was in the bed of a truck, just stopped at a", "local bar. decided i could just hop our and nope!", "my knee buckled and i was on the ground. people", "telling me they'd help me in, that its okay. it", "was but wasn't. pretty sure i fucked up my acl.", "all to just get out of a truck. and it's 3am", "local time and the doctors aren't open till 9am.", "here's to hoping it won't be too expensive! thank", "the lord that i'm drunk." ]

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[ "this was a month and a half ago. i wanted to post", "this shortly after, but i had to make sure there", "were no legal implications.", "so my sink had been leaking, or rather, had a", "slight drip when off for a few months. i decided", "i'd like to fix it. read a bunch of articles on", "it, went to home depot, and got me a replacement", "knob and o-rings.", "every article mentioned \"turning the water supply", "off.\" try as i might, the valves underneath my", "sink just wouldn't turn. it seems they were", "rusted shut. what's the worst that could happen,", "right?", "start disassembling the hot water knob.", "successfully removed. \"huh, this sure is easy..\"", "take a wrench to the next part. explosion. hot", "water in my face. where my hot water knob used to", "be, an insane geyser. it's shooting 6+ feet up to", "the ceiling.", "i panic. i immediately drop to the floor to try", "and get to the valve. i try my hardest. it's not", "budging. i try to push against the geyser to get", "the part back on...what a joke. there's no", "stopping it. at this point, i am freaking out", "badly.", "the water keeps pouring in. at this point the", "water is going out of my bathroom. i frantically", "use my smartphone to find the apartment complex", "front office's phone number. i want so badly to", "call them and say \"jesus fuck you have to shut", "the water off to this building shit just got", "fucked up.\" but there is no answer. i realize i", "have to call 911.", "so i do that. i'm traumatized. the boiling geyser", "has created so much steam that my apartment is", "super foggy. so foggy, that the fire alarm is", "going off. the water has left the bathroom and is", "now seeping into the bedrooms. i hear a knock on", "the door. it's my downstairs neighbor. they are", "wondering why the fuck there is water dripping", "from most of their ceiling.", "after what feels like an eternity, but was", "probably about 10 minutes, the fire department", "finally shows up. they go into the geyser", "room/the bathroom. they try to turn off the", "valve, but that shit is stuck. heroically, after", "about 4 or 5 minutes and crazy firefighter tools,", "they were finally able to get it shut off.", "i live on the 3rd floor. i caused lots of damage.", "all the carpet and hardwood in my apartment had", "to be ripped up and replaced. the people below", "me?", "had to re-do the entire ceiling. more than half", "the drywall. all the carpet. the room below them?", "had to have the drywall replaced on one side.", "i lucked out. insurance made it all okay. they", "put away the downstairs neighbors also. but", "living with that guilt for a month or so..not", "fun." ]

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[ "i was laying in bed and my toenail on my toe next", "to my pinky on my left foot was getting snagged", "in my blanket cause it had a slight hangnail. so,", "i decided to just pull it off. as soon as i", "begin, before there is ever a chance for", "correction, the nail goes on a straight downward", "angle and i'm stuck with it peeled halfway down", "and left in searing pain. i then promptly cringed", "my teeth as hard as humanly possible and quickly", "tore off the whole thing. i was almost in tears,", "and now a couple hours later i'm left with that", "pesky uberly sensitive pink skin under the", "nail...", "i know we've all been there, but that does not", "lessen the seriouosity of the situation." ]

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[ "this actually happened when i was around 8 or 9 so", "this is more of a 6yaifu. i was really sick with", "a fever and a bad cold and i didn't know what", "diarrhea was and i didn't know i had it. i was", "sitting on my couch watching tv when i had the", "urge to fart. i usually don't worry about people", "smelling it because i'm an only child and there", "usually isn't anybody outside my family at my", "house. i \"let 'er rip\" and i felt something kinda", "squishy and moist in my pajama pants. i thought,\"", "oh god,\" and went to the bathroom to check", "myself. and yes, i did shit my pants." ]

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[ "i guess you could say this all started yesterday,", "i took my girlfriend to the cinemas, paid for a", "movie and in the middle of it she just whispered", "to me that we were over because i had eaten all", "the popcorn.", "there was probably more to it than me just eating", "all the popcorn, but i wouldn't know.", "so lets bring that to earlier today. i went out", "for a run, and i came back and just went straight", "to the small couch of my flat and started doing", "**it**.", "so here i was, doing it with tears coming down my", "face, most of my clothes were off when a bird", "came flying in and started trying to make a nest", "of my hair. in a panic, my arm hit the wall and i", "could instantly feel that it was broken, or at", "least something was wrong.", "at this point, i thought i had hit rock bottom", "but almost instantly, i heard the doorbell ring.", "i tried to shout or say something like go away,", "but it was my step-sister who had a key to the", "house, and in a panic with my arm still in my", "pants and one arm broken/shattered, i instantly", "stood up and tripped over my own pants that was", "down at my ankles, falling down and breaking my", "nose and hitting my ballsack at the same time.", "the bird had ripped out a lot of my hair, and", "snot, tears, blood and more bodily fluids were", "everywhere.", "my step-sister drove me to the hospital and just", "left me there in the waiting room for the two", "minutes it took for me to get a room. to be fair,", "me and my step-sister had never been close, but", "then the doctor came in and the entire time that", "we were talking and he was trying to find out", "what happened, i was letting out the longest", "farts in existence, and he just kept on looking", "at me. i had never felt so distant from anyone,", "as i realized no one was really there for me,", "today i royally fucked up." ]

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[ "soooooooooooo...\n\nyeah.\n\ni like to play guitar.", "actually i love to play guitar.", "but my guitar decided to get revenge on me for", "constantly plucking at it's strings.", "first off, i was in guitar class, and i was", "trying to log into my school laptop to write down", "some notes.", "i stupidly placed my guitar on my expensive", "headphones.", "this wasn't stupid because it could break them,", "it was stupid because once i finished writing", "down the a, a#, e, and e# bar chords, class was", "ending. i quickly packed up everything. at", "least... everything i could see that i needed.", "the last thing i packed was my guitar, and so", "once i grabbed it, i didn't look back to see my", "headphones.", "i left them in my guitar class.", "the second fuck up is more of an embarrassment,", "and how i choose my fate.", "i was in cooking class, and got sent out to do an", "assignment.", "i head down to the stairwell known as the \"sex", "hall\" due to it never being used, therefore the", "best place to skip class, work in peace, or...", "get intimate.", "as i'm sitting down, i decide i'll practice", "playing a song my sister's boyfriend wrote. (i", "play it much differently. same chords with one", "added, and a different pattern.) as i place the", "guitar in my lap, i hear that one sound you never", "want to hear when sitting down, accompanied by", "that feeling of released tension around the", "groin.", "***rrrrriiiiiiiiiiiip***", "aww fuck... i just ripped my newly sewn jeans...", "in the crotch... while sitting in the sex hall", "with a friend of mine, who is also a guy.", "this is not good.", "i will never trust my dad's sewing skills again.", "for once, i'm glad i have ocd when it comes to my", "outfits.", "i always wear a regular shirt, then over that an", "unbuttoned beige shirt, then my brown roundtree", "and yorke: charlotte jacket.", "i take off the jacket and button up shirt, then", "wrap it around my waist overtop of the regular", "shirt. in hindsight, it would have looked better", "done up under the shirt, but whatever.", "i put on the jacket, then unhook my chain from my", "belt loop, and attach it to my backpack strap,", "and put the wallet it's attached to in the inside", "pocket of the charlotte.", "i look pretty damn cool... except for the fact", "that i appear to be wearing a fucking dress.", "it was at this time that i realized i left my", "headphones in my guitar class. fuck.", "i now had to walk literally all the way across", "the top floor of the school.", "the door was locked.", "now i had to go downstairs and to the center of", "the school (which is the most crowded) to get to", "my locker.", "instead of merging with the crowd, assassin", "style, everyone makes way for me to walk through.", "jaws hit the floor and slam back up to the", "owner's face as they laugh their asses off at the", "guy in a leather jacket, a chain, and a fucking", "dress.", "i grab my shit and run.", "i phoned the school to leave a message about the", "headphones, asking if they could be grabbed and", "stored until tomorrow, when i go to my next", "class.", "i feel like a fucking retard, and now i'm sitting", "in my ripped jeans because my others are in the", "wash. and the way the rip is angled, whenever i", "fart, it's blasted directly into my face.", "they smell like rotten deviled eggs and pickles!", "-------------------------------------------------", "------", "-------------------------------------------------", "------", "edit: should probably mention that when my pants", "ripped, we all laughed, and my one friend walked", "out of the stairwell laughing his ass off (most", "likely to tell everyone what happened) and the", "other one stayed around while i put on the", "\"dress\" so we could make terrible jokes and", "laugh.", "it all went pretty well... until i had to leave", "the stairwell to get my shit." ]

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[ "sounds like a good thing right? i've been talking", "to this girl for a few months, we talk everyday", "for hours and i had been to visit her a couple of", "times before.*important*:she already knows i have", "a crush on her! anyway... more recently i've been", "feeling like there really is a connection there", "so i was super excited to go and see her again.", "after a really nice day of hanging out and having", "fun we basically end up falling asleep together", "on her bed cuddling. a little while passes until", "she suddenly sits bolt upright and says \" i think", "it's time to go to bed. \" my heart starts", "pounding, thinking shit - should i have not", "cuddled her? i thought this had been going well!", "i ask her if i should leave and sleep in the", "spare room like i had done the time before. she", "says \" you can stay in here if you want \" my", "heart is in my mouth at this point. i get into", "bed and basically fall asleep with her in my", "arms, this is just fucking perfect!", "now the day after we hang out some more and i", "travel back home feeling like a fucking boss but", "whilst we chat that evening it transpires that", "she felt really awkward about the whole thing and", "didn't like me cuddling her, didn't like how i", "looked at her sometimes and claims to not know", "how i feel. she hardly talks to me now and i feel", "like the biggest idiot there ever was :c" ]

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[ "so we were in chicago for a model un conference", "(college). on the first night, my friend and i", "ate a bunch of edibles, and then invited the", "delegation into our room for drinks (mind you,", "the hotel has a strict no alcohol policy). we", "then proceed to receive noise complaint after", "noise complaint, until the hotel night manager", "decides she's had enough and brings a security", "guard up to our room. she then starts pounding", "on the door, at which my my friend and i answer", "the door. we then proceed to ask her what the", "matter is, and she says that we're about to be", "evicted from the hotel. when i go to answer, she", "cuts in and asks if i'm intoxicated. i say no,", "just pretty drunk. but then i tell her that i", "came from a bar, and that it's not against policy", "to be drunk (all the while, i'm holding a slurpee", "that is about 30% vodka). my friend then diverts", "the conversation, but the manager insists that we", "are being far to loud and that we need to stop", "immediately. i then inform the manager that \"i", "have it under control, i'm in a frat!\" she then", "has no words, and says that we have to go to", "sleep immediately, and that one more noise", "complaint and we will be kicked out immediately.", "also, she gives us a fine for $250, the cost of", "reimbursing this russian lady down the hall who", "had been filing all of the noise complaints." ]

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[ "this was actually over the weekend, but i think it", "was such a bad fuck up that i made a throwaway to", "write this, so here goes:", "i was at the bar with my friend and his gf. they", "were both dancing and i was just hanging out by", "myself basically. then this girl approaches me", "and we start dancing. one thing leads to another", "and we start making out. then she put her hand", "down my pants for an under the pants hj. needless", "to say i was surprised at how fast things were", "moving.", "then a few moments passed and were on a couch", "nearby, making out again. this time she proceeds", "to unzip my pants and started performing fellatio", "on me. now i had to stop her, since we were in a", "public place and i could seriously get in trouble", "for this. i tried to convince her to spend the", "night at a hotel or something like that. for some", "reason, she wouldn't agree to it. we were", "(obviously) a little drunk. so instead i just", "gave her my number and she agreed we would talk", "later.", "the next day goes by and nothing happens. i", "figure she either didn't remember what happened", "or was so embarrassed about it that she wouldn't", "say anything to me again. then on monday at work", "i got a text from her. so we started texting each", "other a little bit. when i got home, i decided to", "google her number to see if i could find her on", "facebook or some sort of blog. then i found her", "personal business page. it turns out she was an", "escort. in her 'about me' section it said:", "measurements are 36c-29-36 **with a fully", "functional 7 in. surprise.**so ever since this", "discovery, i haven't decided whether or not to", "laugh uncontrollably or hang myself. but i", "thought i would share it with you guys.", "just an fyi i want to let it be known this post", "is not a slam against transgender/sexuals/etc. if", "you are engaged in any of that stuff that is your", "business and i am not making any sort of", "judgement in this post. i am a straight male so", "it was just a bit of a shock for me." ]

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[ "so i play tennis for my high school team, and my", "first practice was yesterday. it was the first", "strenuous activity i've had in a while, so my", "thighs were aching like a bitch. i waited it out,", "and this morning they were still hurting, so i", "decided to use some icy-hot so i could get", "through practice after i took my morning shower.", "just then, i checked the clock and saw that i was", "running out of time. i hurried to put on clothes", "and ran to the car.", "i arrived at practice, and for the first ten", "minutes i was fine. but then i felt a burning on", "my glutes, and was wondering what was going on.", "so the next drink break, i went to the bathroom", "to check it out. turns out, my underwear and", "shorts scraped up all of the icy-hot from my", "thighs and collected it on my ass. so i had to go", "through the rest of the two-and-a-half hour", "practice with burning asscheeks." ]

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[ "so i'm on vacation in europe, in my hometown. i", "was out late last night so i woke up around noon.", "to my surprise there was already people at my", "house. i brushed my teeth and went down stairs", "where everyone was at. it was a bunch of old", "people except for this one girl. she looked to be", "anywhere from 21 to 25. stunning. beautiful. so i", "say hi to everyone, introduce myself and sit", "down. i can't stop looking at this girl. next", "thing you know she gets up to go to the bathroom", "and i can't stop staring at her ass. she was", "wearing tight jeans. this girl had the entire", "package. beautiful face, slim waist, thick ass,", "and legs to kill for.", "so i think, \"fuck it. i'm gonna go for it.\"", "as soon as she gets back i start making small", "talk with her and start flirting a little bit.", "she didn't seem to be having it, i just thought i", "had to step my game up.", "10 minutes go by full of small talk, teasing, and", "sexual innuendos before my dad goes \"yeah,", "ninetytwo92, you should go out and grab a drink", "with her. since we were here longer you can show", "her around town. but don't let anything happen to", "her, since you're the older cousin you have to", "protect her. hahaha\"", "that's when it hit me that i've just been", "fantasizing about fucking my cousin for the past", "10 minutes, and that this poor girl as been", "sitting here for these past 10 minutes listening", "to me hit on her. oh and on top of all of this,", "turns out she's only 17. i'm 22." ]

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[ "so my wife and i are adopting two kittens today", "and have been preparing the kitten room, cleaning", "thoroughly and setting everything up. vacuuming", "was my job, and i was doing a damn good job", "(imo). i should inform you that we have one of", "those dyson cyclone vacuums that has the cylinder", "that you detach and then press the button to", "empty from the bottom. so i detach the cylinder", "and hold it over the trash bag to empty. i press", "the button-dust, dirt and hair all over the floor", "while only a small amount made it into the bag. i", "curse silently, turn the vacuum back on and go to", "work. i had gotten most of it back into the", "vacuum when the garbage bag was caught by the", "vacuum and tipped over, spilling the rest of the", "vacuum's prior contents onto the floor. i cursed", "again (not silently this time) and cleaned the", "rest of it up. such a simple task and yet, tifu." ]

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[ "i recently got new car with manual transmission.", "given that last time i drove stick was about 20", "years ago i am still trying to get used to it,", "but i love it!", "earlier today i was getting ready to drop my", "little one at day care and as usual go start the", "car. typically i first put her in car seat, but", "this time for whatever reason started the car", "first. my driveway is at the angle so when i park", "the car nose facing the road i put gear in", "reverse, e-break on. so my daughter is standing", "just to the left of driver's side rear door. i", "push the clutch in, start the car, but forget to", "put gear in neutral. car jerks back pretty fast", "but not by much. this scared the hell out of my", "daughter pretty bad i guess and all i see in the", "mirror her turning around and running towards", "garage door, which was closed, plummeting her", "little pretty face right in it. i don't know why,", "but i chucked a bit (i know it's bad) and jumped", "out to see if she ok. she was fine, not a", "scratch. i guess she didn't know what has", "happened so there were no tears. all she said", "was, \"daddy wanted to hurt me!\" i am a monster." ]

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[ "i wake up from a nap after i get home from school,", "and i have to pee. so i step outside and start", "peeing into the bushes next to some firewood", "(which is really just a tree that fell down in", "the yard). i must have startled this little", "lizard, so he scurries out which in turn startles", "me. i was curious, so i pick up the log a little", "bit to see him, and as i'm holding it my dog", "rushes me knocking me off balance. you already", "know what happens next. the log falls on his", "little arm, shoulder, and part of his head. he's", "squirming around in circles, and i just feel", "absolutely terrible. i couldn't just let him", "slowly die, so i look around for something to put", "him out of his misery with. i pick up the shovel", "to my immediate right and put it through the poor", "guy's brain stem. so now i have this decapitated", "lizard in my backyard, with a dog who thinks it's", "his new toy. i managed to dig a small hole and", "bury the poor thing without my dog getting to it.", "i just had a pet bearded dragon pass about a", "month ago after 10 years of owning her, so this", "really bothered me today." ]

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[ "who knew that a block of chocolate in purple", "wrapping could have went awry in a manner like", "this?", "i don't eat chocolate much as it's not really my", "thing but i do every so often and it happens that", "this fine tuesday morning, i fancy a turkish", "delight. i pull it out the fridge, place it on", "the table. scan it for the amount of carbs it", "has. 40g of carbs or there about. spin the needle", "into my insulin pen, dial it all up, inject 4", "units (1 unit for each 10 carbs) and then eat it.", "perfect. wonderful. lovely.", "so, i get a call and it's my friend asking if i", "am showing up to first period. i forget that it's", "a tuesday, still in the monday mindset and i am", "extremely late. i have about 30 minutes to do", "just about everything.", "the next twenty minutes are dedicated to my daily", "routine, shove on some clothes, gather my books", "and done. out the door, 10 minutes until lesson.", "i make it into english, 30 minutes late thanks to", "public transport being itself and the rest", "doesn't really come into play until about 2 hours", "later; our morning break.", "grab the usual ham sandwich, slide open the case", "of my insulin pen and just as i swing my arm", "across to pull my arm out of my jumper. it", "happened. i felt a sharp, burning pain in my", "wrist, though more my hand and it took a while", "for me to realize it was quite serious pain.", "painful pain. so, i glance down and blood is", "there, not a lot but enough for it to start being", "something i need to sort the fuck out. i had left", "the old needle on the pen.blood spraying, blood", "dripping. friend's laughing until they realize", "this is quite a serious situation. one helps me", "out of my jumper, we wrap it around the bleeding", "area, apply a little pressure as if it were a", "stab wound and then just wait while my other", "friend notifies the medical center in our", "university. we take it off after a while, first", "aid give me some sort of discolored, peachy,", "plaster and i shove it on and go about my day.", "i just got home and took it off. an inch long cut", "just above my wrist veins but just below the base", "of my hand, looking much deeper than i first", "thought.", "it's not hurting so much now but i dread the", "moment i soak it in water." ]

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[ "so last saturday it was my friend birthday and he", "invited the boys to go out for diner at a new", "restaurant in town. the service was horrible,", "but the wine and beer was flowing and the", "waitress, oh my god the waitress, they were hot.", "small skirts, some with huge breast, some small,", "brunette, blonde, they're all pretty and in top", "shape. as an almost married man in his early", "30's i can't contain myself not to be aroused by", "those young sexy appealing girls. my single", "friends are all over them and the only think i", "can think of all night, is to go back at my place", "and fuck the hell out of my girlfriend.", "after a few more drinks we go to the bar to", "conclude the night and of course i'm still", "thinking about sex the whole time. so the night", "goes on and we close the bar and one of my sober", "friend drives me home. i'm still horny as a 13 yo", "who just saw his first porno so i go up to my", "girlfriend to wake her by telling her how much i", "want to fuck her and she is, luckily for me, very", "responsive and wants to have rough sex.", "we have one of those crazy sex session, it's", "amazing, she's screaming out of joy, it's", "awesome! we both finished off, i get off her and", "she goes to clean herself up. by the time she", "come back, i was already asleep and snoring.", "we wake up the next day, and she tell me how", "awesome the sex was last night, but at the same", "time she's looking at me with this funny smile", "and almost laughing, and i ask her \"what's", "funny?\". \"you don't remember, do you?\". to be", "honest with you guys, it's not the first time", "after sex like that, that i fall asleep and don't", "remember how i actually fell asleep, so i tell", "her \"no?!?\". \"well, last night after sex, i went", "to clean my self up and when i came back you were", "laying on the bed with your erected shaft and the", "dog was licking the hell out of it.\"... \"what?!?\"", "i tell her that she must be fucking kidding me,", "but she reassure(obviously not the best choice of", "word here) me that it's unfortunately true. i'm", "not sure what to think of it, but at least i", "don't remember it.", "**edit**: i just want to emphasis that i was", "deeply asleep and the dog raped me." ]

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[ "one day, when me and my father were picking up my", "sister from a friends party i noticed they had a", "zip line. it looked awesome, but ended right over", "the driveway - not the hottest idea, i decided to", "give it a shot anyways. i checked it was all", "clear and i had my dad pull me about half way up", "the hill. i decided that was more than enough for", "the first time in the dark. i released and", "started gaining momentum, sitting on the shitiest", "little plastic seat in the world. i rotated to my", "side and admired the cool breeze of the night. i", "turned to face back toward the end zone just in", "time to see the flash of the porch light on the", "hood of a bmw m5 sitting right were i was going.", "having had about 0 seconds to do anything, i hit", "the car's driver side door with my full momentum", "and my head whip lashed over the frame of the", "door.", "i fell off the seat and the world went", "momentarily black as i laid on the ground. within", "seconds there was a pack of little girls", "screaming bloody murder, and telling everyone i", "was dead. i got to my feet and regained my", "vision. by now, the entire party was outside,", "staring at me and asking if i was ok. i stood and", "inspected the damage. as odd as it may sound, a", "bmw was probably the best thing i could have hit", "out of all the cars in the driveway. my body and", "the door absorbed most of the impact and my head", "only snapped over the top of the car, rather than", "hitting the window.", "all in all, it turned out just fine. i left a", "perfect imprint of my hip, knee and shoulder in", "the car door. the door had to be totally replaced", "because i crushed the impact bar, the window", "mechanism and the lock. the owner was very nice", "about it and his insurance ended up covering it.", "i walked away fine, and had an awesome story.", "long story short is: check where your zip line", "goes." ]

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[ "so i was at a friend's house and we were just", "sitting around playing games and i feel a shit", "coming on. i excused myself to the bathroom and", "started my shit. i thought it would be a normal", "one but it decides to be the wettest shit ever. i", "shit so much it piled up and no water was visible", "in the bowl. best way to explain it is it looked", "like a cow's shit. anyways, when i tried to flush", "noting happened, it just stayed. i felt so", "embarrassed about it that i didn't tell them", "about it.", "fast forward to a couple hours later and i'm on", "skype with the friend. he's telling me that it", "wouldn't go down and my shit was fermenting in", "the toilet for a couple hours. i'm also not", "allowed over again and they had to call a plumber", "which i'm probably going to have to pay for. to", "make matters worse, it was my first (and last)", "time over there. the toilet may also be broken." ]

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[ "to paint the picture here: my roommate's assigned", "spot is to the right of mine, and to park i", "approach from the left, so i have to watch my", "right-front corner so it doesn't hit her", "rear-left corner.", "when i was coming home from work i was pulling", "into my parking spot like i've done many, many", "times before, except this time i misjudged the", "distance between my car's front bumper and my", "roommate's car's rear bumper and ended up bumping", "into it. now there are scratches on both our cars", "(mine got it worse), and i'm trying to figure out", "the next step. i haven't called my insurance yet", "but both our parents have been called (mine took", "the news *much* better) for advice and whatnot", "and we're trying to figure what to do next (e.g.", "paint vs bumper replacement), and whether", "involving insurance is in our best interest (but", "i'm thinking that's what will end up happening).", "[behold, pictures of my", "fuckup!](http://imgur.com/a/qwlj6) my car is the", "blue one. oh, and the red paint on it is from an", "earlier thing,", "so there you go, your daily dose of", "schadenfreude. if anyone has any advice feel", "free, otherwise just remember to pay better", "attention to what you're doing on the road. drive", "safe, kids!", "tl;dr played bumper cars with my roommate's car", "in our garage, trying to figure out next steps." ]

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[ "last night i decided to go out drinking with some", "friends, one of which i used to have strong", "feelings for. drank almost an entire bottle of", "alcohol before heading to the bars. made sure", "everyone had their share, including her. i know", "peoples limits well, so i got her to a fun tipsy", "drunk level and stopped and started giving her", "water. never bought her a drink at the bar, just", "water...i however, kept drinking. left, got", "burgers, and got back to her friends house.", "proceeded to spill my guts about how i was", "jealous of her boyfriend and how i still had", "feelings for her, making things awkward for", "everyone around. sometimes i just can't help", "myself even when i know i should stop talking.", "and then i puked, in the toilet, thankfully.", "probably because they all force fed me gatorade", "to make me \"feel better.\"" ]

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[ "so i live next to my parents, in the country so my", "family is close by. my gf was over so we decided", "to wrestle/cuddle. she was on my lap pinning me", "down and it looked like we were having sexy time.", "i'm 16 and that's when my grandma came in. i ate", "taco bell and a prune smoothie, it wasn't sitting", "very well and when she came in, i panicked and", "shit my self. it wasn't normal shit it was", "taco-bell-smoothie shit. it stained the white", "sheets and now my gf isn't talking to me.", "update", "my grandmother knows we weren't but she", "noticed i shit my self", "no pics, i tried to clean myself before taking a", "pic" ]

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[ "so on a friday night my mate and i were on our way", "to a party, i had a bag with me holding all our", "drinks and my friends computer (fucked if i knew", "why he brought a computer to a party). anyway we", "got to the platform our trains leaving from and i", "see the train sitting there, so i shit myself", "because i thought it was leaving and proceed to", "commando dive onto the train and break all the", "beers in my bag, ruining my clothes and my", "friends computer. my friend then casually walks", "in after me and asks me what the fuck i am doing.", "turns out the train didnt leave for 10 minutes.", "however while i was trying to dry everything off", "the train really did leave.", "my friend was not pleased" ]

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[ "i dropped a glass measuring cup on on the ground", "and it shattered. i cleaned it all up and i", "noticed one of the pieces had a large sharp edge", "to it. naturally, i started cutting things with", "it, seeing how sharp it was, and it worked very", "well. anyway, i was cutting things and i picked", "up a piece of cardboard that i thought it would", "have trouble cutting through (and it did), and i", "cut a little too forcefully. my hand jerked past", "the cardboard, and the glass cut a huge part of", "my finger. it cut through the wrinkly part", "covering my upper knuckle on my index finger like", "butter. pretty fucking scary. i put pressure on", "the part that was cut, hoping to prevent the", "bleeding, and ran to get a band-aid. the band-aid", "was filled up with blood too quickly so i had to", "cut the circulation to my finger using my", "earphone cord. i've had the band-aid on for a few", "hours, it stopped bleeding a while ago. i hope", "there isn't too much scarring..." ]

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[ "i was with some friends at the tail end of a night", "of fireball shots when the guy i kind of like", "asked me to \"do something sexy\". he was pretty", "gone and so was i. i decided to show off my", "ability to do a complete backbend from a standing", "position. halfway down, it happened. with all the", "steely indifference of vesuvius, my ass exploded", "an unholy cocktail if whiskey, shame, and", "misfortune. near tears, i crafted a lame drunken", "excuse to leave. if they found out, they never", "mentioned it." ]

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[ "welp, today is just not my day.", "so its a snowy icy day here in mn (shocker", "right?), and on my way home, i take an entrance", "ramp to get onto i-94. im going about 30 on the", "outer lane being cautious of the ice when", "suddenly two state trooper squad cars appear on", "the side dealing with another collision.", "so me being the law abiding citizen decides to", "switch to the inner lane so i dont get ticketed", "for not doing it. 2 seconds later i collide with", "the side barrier and now my bumpers fucked and my", "dad is pissed at me cause he thinks im lying", "about how shit went down." ]

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[ "woke up for work this morning and i was pretty", "close to a zombie. i managed to get myself to the", "bathroom without too much trouble and started my", "morning routine. sat down, leaned into the", "shower and started it up because it takes at", "least 5-10 minutes to get hot water this early in", "the morning. once i can feel the warmth of the", "shower water filling the bathroom i finish my", "business, stand up and step into the shower.", "one foot in (ahh that feels good, scalding hot", "but i can fix that once i am in), step in with", "second foot… crunch. something crispy was under", "the arch of my foot. it wasn’t me and whatever", "it was it should not be under my foot. keeping", "calm so that i didn’t flail, fall, scald myself", "on the really hot water or wake up everyone, i", "lifted my foot and examine whatever was under my", "foot. i found a spider that obviously had seen", "better days. he was flattened like a pancake,", "all 8 of his legs dangling in the flowing water.", "he looked like a small flat octopus. spiders are", "not my favorite, so i backed into the corner of", "the shower and scooped water at him to slowly", "flush him towards the drain.", "so with the crime scene washed away, i stood in", "the shower for quite some time washing the", "sensation of crunchy under my foot out of my", "memory. it didn’t work… it is now many hours", "later and the thought of that crunchy feeling is", "still giving me shivers.", "(edit)" ]

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[ "yesterday, i went to my friends house. its like my", "second home, my second family, so i went straight", "to doing work and to my daily routine. as i went", "downstairs to grab a midnight snack, their family", "precious beagle found me and followed me up.", "it was an omen that i was having a fiber bar, but", "fuck me right?", "i laid down on the couch and soon after eating my", "snack, i was fast asleep. but i awoke to the", "craziest, most demonic shit imaginable. the", "beagle climbed on the bed and was dragging his", "ass across the portion of the sheets i wasn't on,", "howling. then he promptly walked over to my", "surprised face and plopped his butt on my neck.", "surely, i thought, this was all a ruse to get", "attention.", "but then it was war.", "sure enough the gasses erupted, one fart after", "another, expunged into my face. i cried out in", "agony as my nose flared (maybe a bit too", "dramatic) and my eyes teared up from the exposure", "to all that disgusting, poop smelling, fartyness.", "then the beagle thought it would be a marvelous", "idea to sit on my face while farting. but i", "attempted to smack him off the bed, and he", "plopped down with a bark, shitting on the carpet.", "he then dragged his ass 'all over town' and made", "sure i was watching his mighty exit into the", "hallway. i think this goes to show how whenever", "these lovely things happen to me, and i try to", "defend myself, i have to clean up poo all over a", "white carped from a proud dog." ]

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[ "the f-up really happened friday night, i just", "found out about the repercussions today.", "i’ve been at my job for about 7 months, and work", "second shift. right after i was hired, another", "woman was hired to work the second shift with me.", "almost as soon as she finished her month of", "training, we find out that she is a cancer", "patient who got hired during a period of good", "health, but then took a turn for the worse and", "had to go on chemo again. the horrible part is", "that she refuses to take time off, and instead", "drags her irradiated, neuropathic, exhausted self", "to work every night…and is worse than useless at", "the job once she’s here. her badass stubbornness", "is awesome, but i’ve gotten really stressed-out", "and frustrated over the last few months because i", "have to do the work of two people and i haven’t", "been here that long myself.", "that’s the situation that leads to her not", "showing up for work on friday evening, and not", "calling anyone to let them know that she can’t", "make it in. my coworkers and supervisor stay late", "to help me with some work, but i end up doing the", "bulk of it alone, which is fine because that’s", "what i do anyway.", "but then, about an hour before i clocked out for", "the weekend, she called the office line. she said", "that she can’t see very well in the dark, and got", "lost while driving to work around 6pm (it’s", "almost 10 now) but will be in soon. i try to tell", "her how crazy it is that she got lost for hours", "and didn’t call anybody, try my best to tell her", "not to come in, to call someone to pick her up.", "but she refused , saying she’d be there in a", "minute, and finally hung up on me. i called her", "back and tried to give her our supervisor’s home", "phone number, but she made up more excuses,", "insisted that she’d be at work in a minute and", "hung up on me again. i freak out, but don’t", "really know what to do since she didn’t tell me", "where she was at the time she called. she finally", "comes in right as i’m leaving, so i just quickly", "duck away and decide to keep quiet about the", "weird call.", "then come tuesday, my boss informs me that the", "woman’s family called her saturday evening", "hysterical because no one had seen her since", "friday night. the police were called, and they", "found her in her car in the employee parking", "garage, where she refused any ems treatment. i", "feel awful because i could have at least let", "someone know about the call so they might have an", "idea about her state of mind and thought to look", "for her sooner. i fucked up so much, i should", "have called a supervisor or security or", "something, she could really have been hurt." ]

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[ "so me and the new girlfriend have recently started", "exploring a bunch of new \"firsts\" for us in the", "bedroom. she has always been very anti-blowjob", "in her life, but she wanted to try it out with me", "and found that she actually loves it and now", "can't seem to get enough of it. so after a few", "days of that, we then decide to give the 69", "position a try because i love going down on her", "too. perfect, right?", "what i didn't think about was the fact that she", "gets very into it when i go down on her and cums", "hard and often. which is usually amazing for", "both of us, but in this particular situation of", "her sitting on my face with my dick in her mouth", "turned out to be not quite so good.", "every time i would make contact with her clit,", "she would moan and start sucking a little harder.", "i really kinda liked it, so i started putting", "the focus there and she started sucking harder", "and harder. it felt pretty amazing but very", "intense, especially with her tongue going to work", "at the same time. then i decided to try another", "first and sucked her clit into my mouth. i knew", "she liked biting, so while i was sucking i was", "licking and gently nibbling as well and it drove", "her bananas.", "she came so hard and the whole time she was", "griding into my face and gushing, basically", "suffocating and drowning me at the same time.", "the problem is that she also began sucking on my", "dick like she was trying to do a vacuum cleaner", "impression and i was totally unable to move or", "say anything while i was being smothered. when", "she finally came down she stopped and i rolled", "her off of me, but i was so sore. we laid in the", "dark for a while, but when i got up to pee i", "looked down and noticed that the entire head of", "my penis was bright red. about an hour later it", "turned into a discolored blotchy mess. that's", "right, a hickey.", "it's now sore beyond belief and every time it", "rubs up against my jeans it is incredibly", "painful. i am now teasing her about it as often", "as possible, and she can't stop apologizing but", "also can't stop asking me how long it will be til", "we can have sex or she can give me another", "blowjob. i hope it won't be too long, but ugh is", "it uncomfortable at this point." ]

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