text: I brought my own 45s, so if you wanna put them on, Ill show you my stuff!
  Havent you shown us enough?
  Oh, my God, how times have changed!
  This girls either blind or completely deranged
  Oh, the time seemed to halt
  When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
  Its always been my dream to dance on this show!
  Aww, maybe you ought to go back to sleep
  Childhood dreams for me were cracked
  When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin act!
  But the crowns in the vault
  From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
  Those poor runner-ups may still hold some grudges
  They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
  Those broads thought theyd win
  If a plate they would spin in their dance
  Haha! Not a chance!
  Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
  While belting high Cs and preparing cheese soufflés! Ahhh!
  But that triple somersault
  Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
  Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldnt you be waddling along?
  Amber! Havent I taught you not to judge a book by its cover?
  No...
  Oh! This is America, where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to fail. Ill handle this
  Are you scared were on live?
  No, Im sure I can cope
  Well, this show isnt broadcast in-
  CinemaScope!
  I never drank one chocolate malt-
  No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
  How many sweaters do you own?
  Well, Im sure, Ive got plenty
  Let me see, I have three, five
  Wait, I have twenty!
  I would say, Oy, gevalt!
  But I cant... Im Miss Baltimore Crabs!
  Youre too wide from the back
  Honey, look at her front!
  Wait, are we on Candid Camera?
  Okay, wheres Allen Funt?
  Do you dance like you dress?
  Girls, theres no need to be cruel
  Would you swim in an integrated pool?
  Councilmembers gasp
  I sure would! Im all for integration. Its the new frontier!
  Not in Baltimore, it isnt
  Can I audition for Corny now?
  Mmm... Im his producer, and may I be frank?
  First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
  If your size werent enough, your last answer just blew it!
  And so, my dear, so loud and stout
  Youll never be in-
  So were kicking you out!
  With your form and your face, well it isnt your fault
  Youre just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
  You may go
  Uh, thank you?
  I could tell, they really liked you!
  Hello maam, I want to audition
  And I wanna be 18 again...
  How about you bow and exalt?
  For I was Miss Baltimore Crabs!
  Crabs, crabs!
  Crabs!