transcript/DIY_KmOAznOQX-g.txt

[0.000 --> 3.280]  For many men, Don Draper is the epitome of confidence.
[3.280 --> 6.400]  You're happy with your agency, you're not happy with anything.
[6.400 --> 10.560]  You don't want most of it, you want all of it, and I won't stop until you get all of it.
[10.560 --> 14.400]  But what most people don't realize is that confidence actually comes into flavors.
[14.400 --> 17.440]  There's the external confidence that you project, which can make closing deals,
[17.440 --> 20.000]  making friends, or seducing happen more naturally.
[20.000 --> 24.880]  But there's also the internal confidence you feel, how comfortable you are in any given situation.
[24.880 --> 29.200]  So in this video, we're going to be analyzing what Don can teach us about both levels of confidence
[29.200 --> 34.720]  and how mastering each level can take you from being nervous to completely confident in any situation.
[34.720 --> 38.000]  Now at the most basic level, we have the way that Don carries himself.
[38.000 --> 40.400]  Obviously he's a good looking guy, he's got nice suits,
[40.400 --> 43.440]  but it's his relaxed body language that is the most interesting.
[43.440 --> 48.160]  For instance, he almost always sits asymmetrically and spreads himself out comfortably,
[48.160 --> 51.440]  will actually cause you to relax if you do this yourself.
[52.000 --> 57.520]  Don also moves freely around most environments, which signals a sense of comfort and ownership wherever he is.
[57.520 --> 59.600]  He acts like the boss everywhere.
[59.600 --> 64.960]  Now you don't need to take it this far, but simply having your feet at least shoulder width apart when you're standing,
[64.960 --> 69.680]  or leaning with your arm draped over a chair in a way that doesn't prevent someone else from sitting there
[69.680 --> 72.560]  goes a long way towards projecting confidence.
[72.560 --> 77.520]  Additionally, you'll see Don subconsciously signal that others need to work for his attention.
[77.520 --> 81.920]  He leans back in his chair even when he's in a position where he'd think he'd want to win someone over,
[81.920 --> 82.960]  like with clients.
[82.960 --> 86.160]  This flips the dynamic and makes them work harder to win him over.
[86.160 --> 89.040]  Not been in the winter. It's quite a shock coming back.
[89.600 --> 92.720]  Well put, but that could be any vacation.
[93.520 --> 94.880]  This was very, very different.
[95.680 --> 98.160]  Don creates a similar effect with his eye contact.
[98.160 --> 102.160]  In the beginning of many interactions, he's aloof, making limited eye contact almost
[102.160 --> 103.680]  disinterested in what is being said.
[103.680 --> 108.080]  You're going to plime me with drinks and convince me what a terrible mistake I'm making.
[109.440 --> 110.320]  That is quite a drink.
[111.040 --> 114.800]  If you're sitting opposite him, this will make you want to try to win his attention.
[114.800 --> 118.640]  It feels good to get the person who isn't paying attention to you to do so.
[118.640 --> 122.960]  And when the other person has done that, Don gives his full piercing eye contact on special
[122.960 --> 124.640]  occasions, like when he's making a point.
[124.640 --> 127.760]  What you call love was invented by guys like me.
[127.760 --> 129.600]  This is my life.
[130.160 --> 132.960]  Or nailing a pitch like he does on this campaign for lipstick.
[133.600 --> 135.280]  She wants to tell the world he's mine.
[136.640 --> 137.920]  He belongs to me, not you.
[138.720 --> 141.040]  She marks her man with her lips.
[141.040 --> 143.520]  Or seducing you like he does all the time in the show.
[144.480 --> 151.600]  The biggest thing to take into your own life from Don's variable eye contact is not that you
[151.600 --> 156.160]  need to ignore people to be cool, but that when you are making your key points that you want
[156.160 --> 158.480]  paid attention to, hone in.
[158.480 --> 162.960]  Those narrow piercing eyes keep people captivated and they show confidence in the words that
[162.960 --> 166.000]  you're speaking while emphasizing your most important points.
[166.000 --> 169.600]  Now, you can do everything that you've talked about, up until now, fairly easily.
[169.680 --> 174.240]  But a much more difficult element of body language to master is what you don't do.
[174.240 --> 177.520]  And if you pay attention to Don, you'll notice that he doesn't fidget.
[177.520 --> 182.080]  And that takes us to the next deeper layer of confidence, which is non-reactivity.
[182.080 --> 185.040]  This is something we actually talked about in our video with James Bond.
[185.040 --> 189.760]  This is much harder to fake because our emotions often get the best of us in these high stress
[189.760 --> 194.480]  situations. And this is one area where lacking in confidence can really be a detriment.
[194.480 --> 198.320]  You overreact to your own mistakes and end up making things worse.
[198.320 --> 202.640]  But when you can remain non-reactive, it shows that you're not pressured by what's
[202.640 --> 206.000]  happening around you, and that makes you come across as more powerful.
[206.000 --> 209.200]  For instance, watch how Don reacts when two men hit on his wife in Rome,
[209.200 --> 211.680]  and how he calmly roleplays that he doesn't even know her.
[211.680 --> 214.720]  Contrast that with their insecure overreactions to him.
[214.800 --> 215.440]  Imagine you.
[230.320 --> 234.640]  The sense of comfort and power that Don conveyed simply by not reacting is surely
[234.640 --> 237.120]  part of what drew Betty to him in the first place.
[237.120 --> 242.160]  This same level of low reactivity is especially important if you're a leader in times of crisis.
[242.240 --> 246.000]  Now, feeling your feelings is important, but left unchecked they can get in the way of
[246.000 --> 251.280]  pulling together to get out of a serious issue. Keeping emotional expression in check actually
[251.280 --> 256.480]  inspires resolve in others. In addition, simply remaining silent when things are going wrong
[256.480 --> 261.920]  buys you valuable time to think without exposing you as someone who is totally confused and lost.
[261.920 --> 267.280]  Don is so good under pressure not because he's just fast on his feet, that's actually an illusion.
[267.360 --> 272.640]  It's because he slows down enough to think calmly and react in the best way possible.
[272.640 --> 276.720]  Watch how he responds when a client doesn't like his pitch, and I'm going to have to speed it up a bit
[276.720 --> 279.520]  because he gives himself a full 20 seconds to think.
[284.720 --> 286.960]  Gentlemen, before you leave can I just say something?
[286.960 --> 291.200]  As a general rule, we are more demanding of fast responses from ourselves than we are from
[291.200 --> 296.320]  others. People give themselves only 30% as much time to respond as they would give someone else,
[296.320 --> 301.120]  which is why so many of us find it hard to pause when doing a public speech, even though we know
[301.120 --> 305.040]  it's a powerful tool. So when you are in a stressful situation and it feels like you need to do
[305.040 --> 310.640]  something right now, pause. You're almost always better served from a presentation perspective
[310.640 --> 316.080]  and a decision making perspective to take a deep breath and slow down. Otherwise, you're going to
[316.080 --> 321.600]  look frantic and out of control. Now, the next sign of a more deeply internalized confidence is not
[321.600 --> 325.920]  trying to convince other people. And that might sound odd because when you think of Don Draper,
[325.920 --> 331.200]  you might think of the salesman who is all about persuasion. But being persuasive generally
[331.200 --> 336.960]  is very, very different from trying to convince any specific person. So paradoxically, Don makes
[336.960 --> 342.720]  many of his sales by not badgering clients and instead framing himself as an equal partner
[342.720 --> 346.560]  in a negotiation. He's screening them as much as they are screening him.
[355.920 --> 367.440]  Now, this is effective because one of the ways that we determine if we want to associate with
[367.440 --> 373.120]  anyone is by how much they seem to want and need us. We of course like people who are interested in
[373.120 --> 378.960]  us, but not too much. Much better is to share your interest, whether it's with a date or client,
[378.960 --> 384.080]  but to walk away if it's not reciprocated. Now, one caveat here is that if you walk away in an
[384.080 --> 388.880]  emotional huff, you're not signaling confidence or power. You're signaling petulence, and that
[388.880 --> 392.960]  makes other people just glad to be rid of you. Now, Don is guilty of this from time to time when
[392.960 --> 408.960]  people don't like his ads. Don, don't resist the urge to yell or to tell a data
[408.960 --> 414.080]  client how sorry they're going to be for blowing the opportunity. And instead, step into the mindset
[414.080 --> 419.040]  that says, Well, looks like we're not a match, I wish you the best. Now, this finally takes us to
[419.040 --> 424.720]  the deepest layer of confidence. And that is the belief that no matter what you will be okay,
[424.720 --> 429.920]  when you've internalized this, confidence comes easy. Now, it all sounds nice, but how you develop
[429.920 --> 435.440]  this belief so that you feel it in any situation. One of the fastest ways to build any belief is to
[435.520 --> 440.400]  live it. So you show yourself that you're going to be okay by doing exactly the things that you
[440.400 --> 445.360]  think you wouldn't be okay if you did. And you don't have to jump off of buildings. In this case,
[445.360 --> 449.600]  I mean social things. So this is what Don does in the final seasons. And I'm going to have to
[449.600 --> 454.400]  quickly catch you up on the plot of Mad Men for the next clips to make sense. For those of you who
[454.400 --> 459.200]  don't know, Don's real name is Dick Whitman. He stole his lieutenant's identity when he was in the
[459.200 --> 464.160]  Korean War in order to escape his old life and get out of the war. And he's lived with that fake name
[464.160 --> 470.240]  and even somewhat of a fake persona ever since. He displays the outer veneer of stoicism and
[470.240 --> 475.360]  confidence while behind closed doors, his family and even sometimes his career and emotions are
[475.360 --> 481.200]  crumbling. But in the final seasons of Mad Men, Don tells the truth at great personal cost.
[481.200 --> 485.680]  First, he tells Hershey's his client the truth about his orphaned childhood, which loses him the
[485.680 --> 504.080]  account and gets himself fired. Later, he confesses his moral failings to Peggy while I'd
[504.080 --> 521.600]  retreat in California. And finally, after he's been honest, out loud, he has the courage to
[521.600 --> 526.400]  reveal the emotions that made him abandon his old life. And it's all set into motion where a man
[526.400 --> 529.440]  at the retreat confesses to feeling unseen and unlovable.
[529.440 --> 536.720]  I had a dream I was on a shelf in the refrigerator. Someone closes the door and the light goes off.
[536.720 --> 542.560]  And I know everybody's out there eating. And then they open the door and you see them smiling.
[542.560 --> 548.640]  And they're happy to see you. But maybe they don't look right at you and maybe they don't pick you.
[548.640 --> 551.360]  Then the door closes again. The light goes off.
[554.720 --> 558.240]  Don is sitting there shell-shocked from his conversation with Peggy. But as he listens,
[558.240 --> 562.960]  he goes from completely ignoring him to totally understanding where he's coming from.
[562.960 --> 567.040]  Despite the validation from business success and affairs with many beautiful women,
[567.040 --> 572.480]  Don still feels unlovable. And when he finally recognizes that same feeling of being unseen and
[572.480 --> 575.280]  unlovable, he can authentically connect with his man.
[575.280 --> 591.760]  This is the deepest layer of confidence. It's not about always looking cool or always
[591.760 --> 595.840]  saying the right thing. And it's not even about getting other people to respond to you in a
[595.840 --> 601.520]  favorable way. It's living your life at least socially like you will be okay no matter what.
[601.520 --> 604.800]  And that means that you can tell the truth even if it loses you a client.
[604.800 --> 608.960]  You can tell the truth even if it makes you feel weak. Because when you live the truth,
[608.960 --> 613.200]  believing that you're going to be okay no matter what, you won't stay feeling weak for long.
[613.200 --> 617.760]  Instead, you'll stop feeling like you always need to say the right thing. And you'll stop worrying
[617.760 --> 622.000]  that someone else might reject you because you know that you will never reject yourself.
[622.000 --> 626.160]  And when you combine this deep internal confidence with the ability to project external
[626.160 --> 631.200]  confidence, every interaction becomes easier and more fun. And you may begin to even look forward
[631.200 --> 635.680]  to the situations that previously stressed you out. Now if you're interested in the fastest
[635.680 --> 640.480]  way that I know to build both deep confidence and that external showing confidence, I put together
[640.480 --> 645.200]  a video program to fast track you to the point where you feel centered in any social situation.
[645.200 --> 649.200]  So you don't feel like you're hesitating or grasping for what to say to make an interaction go
[649.200 --> 654.560]  amazingly. This is our flagship program called Charisma University. It's a six week program and
[654.560 --> 660.240]  every day you will get a step-by-step action guide to make confidence your default mode of being.
[660.240 --> 665.360]  And it focuses both on the presentation aspect as well as that inner game aspect,
[665.360 --> 670.000]  which is nice because it takes the guesswork out of everything. You just follow the guide and you get
[670.000 --> 674.480]  the results. So if you want to fast track to more confidence, more charisma, you can learn more
[674.480 --> 678.880]  about the course with the button on the screen or the link in the description. We have had
[678.880 --> 683.280]  thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it. So I hope that you decide
[683.280 --> 688.400]  to join if this is an area of your life that you are looking to improve. Either way, you are okay
[688.400 --> 692.640]  and you will be okay. I hope that you've enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the
[692.640 --> 696.640]  next one.