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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "first of all, i'm typing this on my phone, so i", "apologize for any spelling/grammar errors in", "advance.", "okay, so, i'm in high school, and i was just", "happily going about my day until i get into my", "music period, which is my second to last period.", "it's pretty great, we just sit around and play", "music blah blah. so, i lent my friend one of my", "guitar picks, and at the end of class she came to", "give it back. now i had totally forgotten about", "it, and instead of giving it back she thought it", "would be funny to drop down my shirt. so she did.", "the guitar pick fell through my shirt, and into", "my pants. i knew it was there, but i couldn't", "grab it, because i was standing in the middle of", "class and was not going to stick my hand down my", "pants and feel around my ass to find it. i", "figured it'd just fall out through my shorts", "eventually, so i just started heading towards my", "next class.", "only it didn't fall out through my shorts.", "no, no, it got stuck in my underwear and decided", "to lodge itself into my asscrack. now, for some", "stupid reason, instead of heading to the bathroom", "and pulling it out then and there, i decided to", "just keep going to class. when i get there, i", "notice a problem for the first time.", "if i sit down, that little fucker is gonna fly up", "my ass like a penis in a porno.", "but i decide to do it anyways. i sit, and that", "bitch does exactly that. at this point, i figure", "i should excuse myself to the restroom and get i", "out, but i'm worried that it will get too deep in", "to get out if i do, because the nearest bathroom", "was far away. so i make a decision.", "i'm pulling that fucker out.", "i reached into my pants while sitting down,", "squirm a little, and stick my fingers in my", "asscheecks. i feel around for a second, find the", "bastard, and rip it out. my fingers emerge", "slightly wet, smelly, and with a guitar pick in", "hand. then a thought hits me...", "i was just squirming around in a chair, with my", "hand in my ass, and then pulled out a guitar", "pick. fuck.", "edit: of course, my most upvoted post ever is a", "self post about getting a guitar pick stuck in my", "ass." ]

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[ "well. today is my birthday was headed out to get", "food with the wife and some friends, got to the", "restaurant and we found a 20$ bill on the ground,", "i picked it up excited that i had found 20 bucks.", "turned out when i got home, that it must have", "been my 20 bucks, and that the other 80 i had", "plus a 30 dollar check from my grandparents, is", "missing. so now i'm broke on my birthday.", "figure it must have happened when i pulled my", "phone out of my pocket or something that the cash", "and check came out with it." ]

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[ "(this is from two summers ago, but trust me, it's", "worth it.)", "summer of '11. me, my girlfriend at the time, and", "4 other friends went to the beach for 3 days. we", "were all out of our sophomore year of high", "school, so clearly, any couples there were", "finding new places to fornicate in. my gf and i", "were no exception to this rule. however, also", "like the responsible honor students we all were,", "we brought booze and weed with us. so let us", "begin this journey of idiocy:", "**tuesday:**", "we all go to the beach at night and obviously no", "one else is around. my gf is horny, but since", "this is the first time i've brought a so with me", "to somewhere public for possible sex, i felt", "nervous about doing the nasty, so i said tomorrow", "instead. that night ended with me being tackled", "into a small fire by my pantless, drunk friend,", "but that's not too out of the ordinary for us.", "**wednesday:**", "we all go to the beach one more time, only this", "time i decide to take some of that green goody", "stuff we brought, and when the dirty business was", "about to happen, i realized i was too high to try", "to do anything with ao5269 jr. so now i'm left on", "the beach stoned with an angry, unsatisfied", "girlfriend, so at this point i'm fucking up", "royally. i determine tomorrow i will not intake", "any substance and pleasure my woman! well about", "that....", "**thursday:**", "i'm finally going all out for this fucking", "fuckfest! i set up a towel on the dunes, i have", "my folks back at my cottage fooled into thinking", "we're out for the night, and i refuse to take any", "liquor or weed. hell yeah, i'ma gonna sex my lady", "up right! so we start the making out session,", "then comes the removing of the pants part, then", "we roll a bit but eventually make our way back to", "that towel. before my slot a could insert in her", "tab b however, i start to feel an odd poke in my", "back. i pause for a sec to ponder what is wrong,", "gf asks what's wrong, and i decide to ignore the", "weird poke because sex. so we make out a bit and", "then the fun begins! \"yay!\" i thought, until then", "that weird poke starts getting deeper and another", "poke starts up too. at this point, the fun gets", "put on hold and i ask my patient gf to take a", "look at my back for me. when the first words out", "of her mouth when looking at my back were \"now", "don't panic, but....\" i started to panic for", "obvious reasons. and then i hear her say that", "there's a goddamn fish hook in back!!!!!", "i took it well............about as well as a", "chicken who got decapitated. i start running", "around screaming yelling \"get it off, get it", "off!\" for some damn reason my immediate response", "was to rip off my condom, but i never accused", "myself of being a genius. soon my shirt comes off", "and the hooks fly off with it. that's right, you", "read that right: hooks! plural! upon closer", "inspection, it was a device that featured nine", "motherfucking back hating hooks on it!!!", "[http://image.dhgate.com/albu_227231928_00-1.0x0/", "3pcs-fishing-hook-new-mine-silver-carp-hooks.jpg]", "(something similar to this lovely image) my", "terror filled screams of \"what!?!\" are being", "match by my supportive gf's maniacal laughter. i", "go back to my other friends who are wondering who", "had the death scream. i explain this previously", "mentioned story, and my old pantless friend from", "before says \"dude, god is cockblocking you.\" that", "comment sparked me off, after a solid week of no", "sex, i take my gf, run back to the spot, and", "fucked every last inch of her. as it turns out,", "pain and anger make me a sex god.", "afterwards, it became my most popular story, and", "a running joke broke out among my friends that a", "whale was trying to catch me and take me for", "themselves. this evolved to the point where the", "new running joke was that i fuck whales. this is", "my legacy to my high school brotheren, and of", "course it was all due to a frisky fish hook.", "**edit** i do good grammar." ]

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[ "so this is really a joint fuck up, and perhaps not", "as horrific as some, but here goes...", "my boyfriend's parents live in wales, where he's", "staying for the summer, but he was visiting me in", "london last week. i work weekdays, so he was", "running errands all day at the flat, while i was", "working about an hour away. he was due to go back", "on friday, so we made a plan to meet at around", "5pm by my work place so that we could hang out", "before he went back to wales.", "he texted me at around half 1 to say he was just", "having lunch (he'd made pasta the night before so", "he was just heating that up on the hob -", "relevant!). he then left the flat at around 3.30", "pm to come and meet me at work.", "we had a lovely evening, and his coach wasn't", "till 8, so i stayed in london with him till he", "left. i didn't actually get on the train home", "till about half 8, so i wasn't home till about", "half 9.", "it was a pretty hot day, and i was sweltering", "when i walked in, so i opened all the windows. my", "flat tends to get very hot when all the windows", "are closed, so it didn't seem unusual that it", "felt like a sauna. i started to cough a little", "too, one of those dry, back-of-the-throat sort of", "coughs. i put this down to fumes etc from", "outside, which was later confirmed by my parents.", "they rang me soon after i walked in to ask if i", "was okay, because apparently there was a fire", "near me (my parents live quite close to me, so", "they'd obviously seen smoke in the direction of", "my road and asked someone if they knew what was", "going on). i had a look out, and couldn't see any", "smoke, so i told them it must be closer to them", "and went to investigate. i'm the type to shut all", "of the windows when i'm out, even for a few", "minutes, so i went round and made sure everything", "was shut before leaving. turns out the fire was", "in one of the flats along the high street,", "someone had left the gas on and set their place", "on fire - nasty stuff.", "this fire reminded me of a time in our previous", "flat, when my boyfriend had left the hob on, and", "i had come home to a smoke filled flat and burn", "marks on the wooden surfaces around the oven.", "likely what happened here, so i texted him and", "told him about the fire - just making", "conversation really.", "i arrived back at my flat at around quarter past", "10, and walked in to a furnace. i couldn't work", "out why, it wasn't *that* hot now, and i hadn't", "been out that long. it was a little hazy too, so", "i checked the oven. nope, all off, so i went", "round and opened all the windows, figured it was", "just the fire as it wasn't that far away and", "smoke travels.", "as i was opening the window above the oven, i", "felt it. it was definitely hotter here, much", "hotter. i examined the dials on the side of the", "hob, and nearly fainted. one of them had been", "left on high. the one my boyfriend had used to", "cook his lunch. at half 1 in the afternoon - 9", "fucking hours ago.", "needless to say i sent him another text along the", "lines of \"oh my fucking god you left the fucking", "hob on, it's a fucking good job my place didn't", "burn down and i actually bothered to fucking", "check, can you imagine what would've fucking", "happened if i'd fallen a-fucking-sleep with that", "on, what the fucking fuck?\" or perhaps something", "a little more eloquent, i'm not sure." ]

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[ "so... i've had nothing to eat but fast food for", "the last 3 days... and i hadn't shit in a while.", "at least 2 days. my farts could peel paint.", "america could slap a biohazard sticker on me and", "stick me in their nuclear arsenal is what i'm", "getting at. just the most rancid smells oozing", "from my body imaginable. more atrocious than", "columbine, virginia tech and sandy hook", "combined... ya feel me?", "so, there's this hot chick friend of mine. she", "wasn't quite a 10 but damn close. she needed some", "help moving and we've been friends for a long", "time. 10 years kinda deal. so i help her out.", "now... remember when i said i hadn't shit in a", "couple days? well... scumbag brain waits until", "i'm in her house and lifting a couch to decide to", "start inching towards the finish line. right", "about now i'm balls deep in a staircase with a", "chick i've known for years, a couch and about 30", "degrees(celsius) of musky air and my face just", "goes as white as a ghost. she looks down at me", "and asks what's wrong as a small dose of mustard", "gas is being rocketed out of my quivering anus. i", "shout \"let's go let's go\" and start shoving the", "couch up which causes her to lose balance and she", "drops it. i basically run her over with the thing", "rather than facing the embarrassment of allowing", "her to smell that poison. we get the couch out to", "the truck and i apologize for rushing and blame", "it on a leg cramp.", "now... i'm way to shy to try unload this kind of", "package at a friends house let alone a girls", "house. this is world war 3 style chemical warfare", "we're talking about. zyklon.b looks like laughing", "gas compared to what i'm packing. i mean....", "clogging the toilet with it's circumference while", "the molten core violently explodes leaving a", "fecal volcano in it's wake. so there's no stores", "or restaurants near by and i don't have a good", "enough reason to leave so while i have a torpedo", "prairie dogging my cinnamon ring i man the fuck", "up and keep on working.", "about 15 minutes later after the successful", "bombing of a couple rose bushes with my sour", "clouds i return to the next item at hand. feeling", "considerably better after partially deflating the", "bowels of hell, we grab the dresser. whilst", "navigating this behemoth of an oak piece of", "furniture i realized i would have to take the", "bottom again as it was extremely heavy and it was", "just the two of us. assuming the position i bend", "down and lift with all i've got, she makes it", "about 5 stairs before losing her grip letting go.", "almost as if in slow motion i feel the dresser", "pushing me backwards as i lose my balance and", "fall... as i hit the stairs and wall i feel a", "tiny warning nugget erupt from mission control,", "as if to warn all surrounding areas of the", "impending doom... then i feel it... too focused", "on trying to land safely i forgot about the oak", "dresser as it barrels downwards and the edge", "slams into my guts... what came next is like", "something out of a horror show...", "i mean... there was more shit spattered on the", "stairs and walls then if someone got shot... i'm", "almost certain the velocity in which my anal", "cavity was exhumed broke the sound barrier...", "diarrhea was everywhere and the more i moved the", "more came out in a solid stream of just fat ass", "flaps clapping as the clenching of my butt cheeks", "was not strong enough to withstand the pressure", "build up inside my body. it was like an anus", "orchestra playing my final tune as i'd surely die", "of embarrassment... note that the entire time", "this was processing she had begun to projectile", "vomit from what i can only imagine was the stench", "of the gas used in nazi concentration camps and", "the sight of a 350 lb bag of shit that just", "exploded in her basement. i hosed myself off and", "left.", "note to reader, when i fell backwards the shitty", "basement stairs ripped an opening in the ass of", "my pants allowing a clear and un-obstructed path", "for my biological warfare.", "f\nu\nc\nk\n\nm\ny\n\nl\ni\nf\ne" ]

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[ "met someone through friends that i got along well", "with. they're engaged and i've been in a", "relationship for over a year. neither of us", "expected anything but things spiraled out of", "control through some of our conversations.", "we decided to meet up and see what happened. it", "was amazing. absolutely awesome. but we both know", "that nothing will come from it. which is fine.", "the problem is, i can't do anything with my so", "without picturing them instead and it's driving", "me crazy." ]

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[ "i got up late after my 2 year old turned off the", "alarm. i could not get my eldest son off to", "school and he didn't feel well so it worked out", "alright. i went back to sleep which is unusual", "for me. i normally stay up to make sure my wife", "gets off to work. so my wife finally got me up", "about an hour and half before she has to leave", "for work. my eldest needed to replace his", "eyeglasses and i decided since he was home", "already, we should do it today. the initial plan", "was to get my father in law to take us (my sons", "and me). that fell through. i then tried to get", "my brother in law to help us. again, it was a no", "go. that should have ended my planning but once", "i get an idea in my head, i become compulsive. i", "need to do it. my wife should have just told me", "to go to hell and i would have grumbled for", "awhile. but apparently, she loves me and knows", "how miserable i get when can't do something i", "think i need to. so here's where i fucked up", "her day. i made the appointment, knowing someone", "else would come get us later but i don't get", "things ready quick enough and find shoes for my", "youngest. i put him footy pajamas and put", "clothes over that. she kept looking for shoes", "for another five minutes after i got the kids in", "the car. we finally headed to the eye exam 10", "minutes out of the way. to make matters worse, i", "couldn't find it. i called and got directions.", "she finally dropped us off. all the delays", "caused her to be 15 minutes late and miss her", "meeting with her supervisor. that lead to a", "writeup and will most likely delay her", "advancement in a company she has been promoted 3", "times in her first 6 months. so effectively, i", "have destroyed all the hard work she has put in", "and her chance to get to the next position in", "next 6 months which she was on track to do. i", "feel like shit." ]

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[ "posted this during the morning school rush so", "heres the story:", "woke up this morning at 5, went to the gym.", "started doing cardio again and was very very", "sweaty. finish 15 mins before class starts.", "o shit.", "proceed to shower in axe. was wearing boxers and", "hated the sticky feeling between your legs when", "sweat dries up.", "idea pops up. \"lets lube my legs with axe!\"", "proceed to spray axe on my balls.", "felt like i touched the wrath of millions of", "chili peppers and touched my junk.", "stuck in an almost naked fetal position in the", "change room washroom.", "make orgasm noises as i roll around in pain.", "people come in to try and help but leave when the", "sight of a almost fully naked guy with his hands", "in his underwear making orgy noises appears in", "front of them.", "5 mins pass and the pain ceases a bit and look at", "my balls. they're cherry red. needless to say i", "was late for my class." ]

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[ "i was riding to my friends on my relatively heavy", "jump bike, and i have to go down a steep hill", "with a bridge for trains that goes over the top", "with enough room for a car. well, i didn't pay", "any attention to the cars oncoming and i just", "threw a burst of energy in to peddling and maxed", "out (quite small rear sprocket so it was easy)", "and me being an idiot i had only tightened my", "front brakes, and, you bikers out there know what", "that means....\r if you pull that brake at speed", "it will send you flying, so i only have one brake", "and i have to pull it, and then it was lift off,", "me and my bike flipped upside down while over the", "car (old style 3 series bmw, fucking loong car)", "and my back wheel touched down and bam i fell off", "and scraped my knee off a wall, not even any", "scars...\r\rworst part is no scarring just me", "looking like a tit, and i smashed my nuts off the", "stem pretty quick too.\rno one was hurt, just me", "tempted to get a helmet." ]

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[ "i met this girl who seemed like she was really", "into me, fucking crazy. she is very sexual and", "all of the cool shit most girls aren't. since my", "last relationship went to fucking shit i haven't", "really given a shit about anyone since and i", "kinda approached this girl the same way, like", "just being me no pretending bullshit. but after", "the few days i've known her(almost a week) i", "actually really like her and i think i let it", "show too much and she might be slowly backing", "away.", "(me posting this is a bad idea)" ]

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[ "so i'm a decent sized guy, clocking in at 6', 250", "lbs. i'm a developer at a large financial company", "where full corporate professional attire is", "required other than a jacket. in the afternoon", "around 2pm i got up from my desk to stretch due", "to my post lunch coma. as i squatted down with", "one leg out my pants split from the top of my ass", "all the way down to my balls. it wasn't even a", "clean rip. it was zig zagged and large, the wool", "just shredded. i sat down at my desk and couldn't", "stop laughing and my face turned bright red.", "many thoughts came to my head as to how to get", "the hell outta my office without anyone noticing.", "trying to staple them, staple them with paper,", "etc. all solutions would have me either walking", "across the office where everyone notices my ass", "hangin out, or wheeling my chair around like a", "weirdo. as i rummaged through my desk drawers for", "a solution, i found an alpaca sweater i left over", "the winter. i wore it around my waste like it was", "1985 again and got the fuck outta there." ]

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[ "this happened a few weeks ago, but i'm still", "dealing with the aftermath. i have a friend, a", "good one, who i've known since i was a kid. we're", "both older now, and more.mature, or so i thought.", "up until i got into contact with him this past", "winter, we hadn't spoke since sophomore year or", "high school, which is 5 years ago. we were like", "brothers than, and i just found his number one", "day, qnd.called him. but back to the fuck up.", "apparently n the past five years, he became a", "major racist. not a \"racist,\", a full blown", "racist. if i had known this, i certainly would", "not have taken him to hang out with me. my", "neighborhood is ethnic to say the least, very", "mixed. this mixed with my \"friends\" new found", "prejudice made for not only a really bad", "experience, but almost got us killed a few times.", "first, every time he saw a black person he would", "turn to me and say \"oh god more of them..\" or \"oh", "fuck another black guy\". he did this every time", "we saw an african american, which in my", "neighborhood is pretty much everywhere. i never", "even think of it, but he was both prejudice and", "scared. a few people heard him, and started to", "walk towards us like they were gonna say", "something. it didn't help that every two minutes", "he was spitting, which made it look as though he", "was spitting at black people. it took me a few", "minutes to realize he wasn't, but i'm sure those", "the people around us didnt realize.", "he went on a 20 minute diatribe about how his", "mother will not allow him to come here because", "\"there's too many blacks\" and how he hates his", "neighbor because he's african american. he said", "all this loudly. while walking around the area he", "was talking about.", "lastly, he started yelling at cabs and calling", "them \"gyspy fuckers\" and \"arabs\". of course that", "wasn't it. they're all part of some large sleeper", "cell according to him, and we should never trust", "or speak to anyone of middle eastern descent.", "i didn't know what to do. i just wanted to throw", "a quick right into his face, but figured i'd be", "the one to get tossed in jail. i was beyond", "relieved when he left because i couldn't take", "another fucking second of it. i rarely speak to", "him now, and am much better off.", "**" ]

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[ "when i was taking a shower today i'd left my clean", "pants on the floor of the bathroom. once done", "with my showering, i get out, dry off, and put my", "clothes on. everything is proceeding as expected", "when i suddenly feel something crawling about in", "the crotch of my pants. naturally, i rip my pants", "off whilst silently screaming and wishing i were", "dead. i throw the pants on the ground and retreat", "to the farthest corner of the bathroom to", "cautiously observe. right before my eyes one of", "the more massive spiders i have ever seen crawls", "out of my pants and goes on its merry way while i", "hyperventilate and contemplate taking a second", "shower." ]

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[ "so throwaway for obvious reasons,", "for the past week or so, i have been waxing the", "cyclops in the shower everyday, using your basic", "shampoo as a lubricant. so all is good, i'm", "happy, satisfied, throughout the entire week.", "then i woke up this morning. i was laying in bed,", "with your basic morning crotch action goin' on. i", "did the glorious morning stretch, during which i", "flexed my dick ( or the whole kegal muscle shit).", "then the tip of my dick exploded in pain, so i", "was scared. maybe its just me, but unknown", "genital pain is a red flag in my book.", "i ignored it, hoping the pain would disappear.", "and it did, so i was happy. annnnnddd then i did", "the whole dick-flex thing again, and my penis", "felt like it had been shot with a bb gun. \" shit,", "this matters.\"", "reluctantly, i threw myself out of bed, and", "peeked into my trousers to assess the damage.", "what i saw was a canyon making a home in the tip", "of my penis. apparently, the shampoo had dried", "out only the tip of my dick, with drastic", "results.", "so, the thing at the bottom looks waxy, but feels", "rough to the touch. my tip is basically white,", "not like a white guy, but straight up white on a", "color wheel, with bloody canyons mixed in.", "lesson learned, i will now only fap in sanctioned", "areas taking the proper precautionary measures to", "ensure safety." ]

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[ "so a little back story, this kid has some mental", "illnesses, part of it has to do with filtering", "things in social situations. when we were", "learning about good study skills, he was asked", "where he gets his homework done. he responds", "saying something like,", "\"oh, i do it everywhere! sometimes i'll do it in", "the kitchen, sometimes at my desk, even sometimes", "on my bed!\"", "at this point i am on the verge of laughing at", "how that would've sounded out of context. i was", "focused on how to stop giggling to stop from", "getting in trouble, as apparently i was the only", "one who found that funny.", "somehow this conversation turns into him talking", "about his father tried to kill himself last weej.", "and it was at that point my brain decided that", "was the time to release all of my laughter, in", "one big 30 second fit. there i was, barely able", "to breathe, kids staring at me in disgust. i was", "sent to the principal's office and i told my", "story, which he wasn't amused by, nor did he", "believe." ]

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[ "i was at a friend's birthday party, and we were", "all just hanging out playing some guitar. there", "was only one at the party, so it was just sort of", "getting passed around to all the people who play.", "my turn comes, and i start off with wonderwall,", "bitches love wonderwall. then i get the brilliant", "idea to play tears in heaven by eric clapton.", "those of you who have heard the song, you", "probably realize that the song is a real", "panty-moistener. anyway, i finish up, and this", "9/10 gets up real close to me, looks into my", "eyes, and in the most flirtatious fucking voice", "i've ever heard asks, \"so like, how do you play", "guitar?\" being the dumbass i am, i figure it's a", "completely genuine question. i reply with, \"it", "can't really be summed up into one sentence.\" the", "party continues, eventually everybody goes home.", "i'm told later that the girl was coming on to me.", "following this, the most epic of all face palms", "occurred." ]

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[ "so, late last year i started working with a new", "company as a sort of trainee to take over my", "direct boss' position when he decides to retire.", "a couple months later (before christmas) he", "bought himself the iphone5 and gave me his old", "iphone4 so i would have all of his contacts. i", "have never been an iphone guy.", "so a couple weeks later i'm texting with my", "girlfriend. texting turns to sexting and i send", "her a pic of the ol' ween. i delete it", "immediately afterwards.", "today, maybe 2 months later, i realize that his", "appleid is still active on this phone and", "\"photoshare\" or \"photostream\" or whatever is on.", "this means any photo saved to the phone is", "automatically uploaded to his icloud and any", "other connected devices. i realized this by", "noticing photos i didn't take show up on the", "stream on this phone.", "my stomach dropped and i feel nauseous. i know", "its been a while and he might have mentioned it", "by now. but he's also tech-tarded and i don't", "know if this pic is a ticking time-bomb laying in", "wait in his (or his wife's or kids or grandkids)", "phone/computer's photostream.", "**" ]

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[ "i'm european and as it is mandatory to have", "visited amsterdam (netherlands) at least once", "while in your twenties, me and two of my best", "friends decided to go on a trip there over new", "year's eve.", "for those who don't know, amsterdam is besides", "their liberal policy on soft drugs infamous for", "its red light district (with hookers dancing in", "those shopwindow-like cabins and stuff), and it", "is in fact the place to rock out and where", "everyone is partying. since me and my friends are", "not really into smoking weed, we just gotterribly", "wasted - business as usual so far.", "so, despite not having the intention to enter a", "hooker's cabin originally, there was that one", "gorgeous redhead, and as she began to wave at me,", "shit started to get serious. at that time i was", "in this particular state where the booze started", "to interfere with my rational thinking and", "fueling my sexual appetence. i thought \"fuck", "this\" - literally, told my friends i'm seeing", "them afterwards and went straight to that fine", "piece of redhead ass.", "after spending one hundred euros for her giving", "me head and some doggy while standing, she", "demanded another hundred to move action over to", "the bed, otherwhise we'd be finished here.", "despite being drunk i realised where this was", "going and decided to cut it there instead of", "being ripped off. so i angrily put my pants back", "on still fully erected and left the place. i", "actually wasn't even that mad - i would probably", "rip off those drunk youngsters too, if i were", "her.", "so i met up my friends again at the bar, told", "them the amusing story while we proceeded to", "intoxicate ourselves. this is where the actual", "funny stuff happened: i went for a piss and stood", "infront of the urinal, packed out and let go. the", "feeling of relief was there - but no splashing", "sound. i lowered my field of view to my privates", "to check what was going on and almost cracked up", "when i saw it. i actually never removed the", "condom and had been wearing it all along since i", "left that hooker, and now i'm filling it up with", "piss. when i noticed it had already expanded to", "about half a litre until it finally stripped", "itself off my dick due to it's weight and ended", "up in a splashy explosion. you should have seen", "that expression of amusement and disbelief from", "the random guy at the urinal next to me. i left", "the room not exactly knowing if i should feel", "ashamed or proud about myself. however i shared a", "good laugh with my friends about this after i", "told them - but still feel somehow embarassed.", "edit: grammar/ clearify that the guy next to me", "was a random one" ]

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[ "at my uni, we're given toilet paper weekly, but", "it's really cheap and scratchy. fair enough, it's", "free, but it still makes wiping a tad", "uncomfortable sometimes.", "today, after dropping the muffin, i get to", "wiping. for some reason i decide i should be", "cleaner than usual, and wipe thoroughly and", "deeply.", "fast forward half an hour or so, and i realise my", "butthole is really itchy. this has happened to me", "a few times before when i haven't wiped enough,", "and there's still a bit of chocolate around the", "mouth, but that didn't make any sense since i'd", "been so thorough.", "so i rush back home to the bathroom and wipe some", "more. i looked at the tissue, as you do, but", "instead of a brown smudge, i was surprised to see", "red. since dudes don't get ass-periods i", "concluded that the sharp toilet paper had cut my", "butt!", "it didn't hurt too bad. to be honest the real", "pain is the embarrassment that my anus is so much", "of a wuss that it got cut open by some fucking", "toilet roll." ]

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[ "i really fucked up this time, about two days ago i", "was having a few afternoon drinks at my house", "because it was a mates birthday and was going to", "go clubbing later that night, the four of us that", "where drinking together finished a carton of beer", "extremely faster then usual, i decided we had", "heaps more time to drink before we went clubbing,", "the problem was that we had no more alcohol and", "didn't want to walk to buy anymore. my genius of", "a drunk mind thought it was a good idea to bring", "my friends down the street to my uncles house who", "was having dinner at my mother in laws house. the", "house was empty and he had alot of hard liquor at", "his house which i remembered so we went in and", "started drinking there for abit falling over and", "knocking things around.", "my friend left the lounge room and walked towards", "the toilet and fell over grabbing a urn which was", "my grandmothers onto the ground and he screams", "and calls all of us over and we scream, i then", "vomit all over the ashes and my friends are", "vomiting through out the house. we cleaned the", "house up as best we could and haven't told my", "grandfather what happened with the urn yet.", "** \n\n**edited - a word**" ]

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[ "ok, so technically this happened last night, but", "this is what happened. i apologise for the tl;dr", "in advance, i'm a first-time poster.", "i was driving home from my mate's house, at", "around 11:30pm, when this woman walks out in", "front of my car, sobbing hysterically and begging", "me to help her. i was initially reluctant because", "i was cautious, but she did seem genuinely", "distressed so i asked what she needed (she", "wouldn't move out from in front of my car and let", "me pass anyway).", "she said she just needed to get to home, which", "was in a suburb just around the corner. i figured", "this lady might have really needed some help, so", "me being the good albeit, naive and stupid", "samaritan that i am, let her in. within 10", "seconds of being in a confined space with her,", "the stench of booze wafting off her hit me like a", "sledgehammer.", "i went around the round about at the end of the", "street and started heading the other way when all", "of a sudden she starts yanking on my arm (my", "shifting arm) begging me to pull over!", "at this point i was going at 45kms/hr, and me", "being the frugal bastard i am, was already", "sliding it into fifth gear when she yanked it all", "the way over to first. at that speed, pushing it", "into first would've fucked up my engine big time,", "but luckily i slammed down the clutch.", "so i stopped, thinking she had to get out and", "puke or something, and then she starts begging me", "to buy her some 'ciggies'.", "in the pallid, dim glow of the street light above", "above us, i finally got a proper look at her,", "witnessing her yellow teeth and needle marks in", "all their glory, and it dawned on me that this", "was some junkie bitch.", "i told her i had no money, but through force of", "habit i had foolishly left my wallet under the", "dash and it had a couple of twenty's sticking", "out. she saw this, called me a liar and tried to", "snatch it, but in her inebriated state her", "hand-eye co-ordination was sorely lacking, so", "luckily i got to it first.", "she kept begging me to get her some 'ciggies'", "saying she wouldn't leave until i did. not", "wanting to part with one of my precious twenty's", "(i'm a frugal bastard, remember) i gave her all", "the change i had... which was like 5 bucks, and", "asked her if that was enough.", "she told me she needed $10, and all i had was", "those 2 twentys. sensing i was reluctant to part", "with them, she offered to leave her bag in the", "car as collateral, until she gave me the change.", "at this point i just wanted to get this crazy", "bitch out my car, so i gave her $20, she left her", "bag inside and left.", "i actually, stupidly waited for a minute because", "i wanted the $10 (yes, frugal! to give you some", "perspective i'm a uni student with a part-time", "job, i had just gotten a $100 parking fine that", "day from uni, and both of my parents are out of a", "job so i am the only one supporting the family", "atm), but i figured the opportunity cost of her", "potentially coming back with a bunch of drug", "dealing pimps, stabbing me, and stealing my car", "was a price that i wasn't willing to pay.", "so i wound down her window and chucked her shit", "out. i heard a glass bottle of what i can safely", "assume was booze, shatter inside her bag and then", "i sped off into the night.", "karma must be wasted, why else would my good", "deeds be reciprocated by horse shit? go home,", "karma... you're drunker than that junkie bitch i", "picked up.", "so just wrapping up, i'm not 100% sure i wouldn't", "do the same thing if the same scenario arose. as", "in, a person who genuinely needed help, not some", "junkie whore. what would you guys do in that", "situation?", "p.s: if you actually read the whole thing, thank", "you, and sorry for putting you through that", "borefest." ]

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[ "i don't know why, and i don't know how, but i must", "have fucked up somewhere.", "so, i'm just chillin at home playing some", "settlers of catan with the family, and i excuse", "myself to go drop the kids off at the the pool.", "while i'm deploying the navy seals, having a", "pleasant time thank you very much, just doing my", "business, everything goes according to plan", "albeit a bit wet. i go to wipe my bottom clean", "and i notice that the toilet paper is red. bloody", "fucking red. no mess, no bad cleanup, just red.", "it didn't even hurt. it took a few red wipes, but", "i got it clean and perty.", "btw i'm a dude, in case that matters to anyone." ]

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[ "when i reached into my drawer of sex paraphernalia", "for my tube of astroglide, i was quite", "disappointed to come to the realization that i", "had extinguished said tube and failed to", "replenish my supply. while there, however, i", "noticed a tube of ky warming gel i bought to try", "with a particular lady friend that i told to take", "a hike before we got around to using it. i", "grabbed the tube and thought 'what the hell...' i", "tested it on me first, applying it liberally to", "my \"intimate area\" and delaying with some", "foreplay to give the stuff time to work. it", "didn't seem to have much of a warming sensation", "for me, so i declared all systems go and", "immediately set sail. it's probably about 90", "seconds later that she's in my bathroom shouting", "\"it won't stop burning\" and climbing into my", "shower. being the caring, sensitive guy that i", "am, i'm caught somewhere between 'yeah, i guess", "it makes sense the stuff would react differently", "*inside* her than it would *on* me' and 'i'm", "pretty sure this is what the stuff was meant for,", "so i'm sure she won't actually be hurt by this'", "which yielded a response of \"haha, sorry about", "that, hahaha.\" i used to think i was just an", "asshole as a security measure against the general", "public, because i don't like most of you flesh", "bags most of the time, but now i think i'm really", "just a genuine asshole, and i've just chemically", "burned her's." ]

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[ "this actually happened a about a year ago, but its", "always a good laugh. i've been trying to climb", "the restaurant ladder for about a year at that", "time the traditional way (start as a dishwasher", "and learn hands-on). i had already learned a lot,", "and also being a bit of a narcissist prick, i", "loved to show off my new-found culinary chops to", "my layman friends.", "so we had planned a barbecue one night and i had", "been drinking a fair amount. eager to assert my", "perceived mastery of the kitchen, i offered (i.e.", "demanded) to be allowed to prepare the whole", "spread. my friends agreed. and so, i self-styled", "master chef, set to work. i began with the mashed", "potatoes first; dicing each spud into easy to", "boil cubes. this procedure had the additional", "benefit of showing off what i thought were my", "ninja-like knife skills. i began to carry on a", "conversation with one of my buddies (who was in", "another room) and began to focus less on the", "razor-sharp hunk of steel i was irresponsibly", "wielding. until i felt a sharp pain shoot up from", "my left thumb. apparently while talking, i", "continued dicing and had added the tip of the", "digit to the potatoes for that extra kick. the", "cutting board was covered in an astounding amount", "of jack daniels ridden blood, and there on the", "board was the piece of the thumb, complete with a", "tiny clipping of the nail. shit. i mopped the", "blood up the best i could and slipped into the", "bathroom to patch myself up. i left the thumb-tip", "on the cutting board.", "by the time i staunched the bleeding, i found", "that someone had finished cooking for me. the", "alienated piece of flesh was no where to be", "found. later on, however, somebody did encounter", "the nail clipping in the potatoes..." ]

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[ "i work part time as a cashier. last night it was", "becoming increasingly slow in the store and i was", "becoming increasingly lazier. at around 7:30, i", "was helping a customer when they requested a bag.", "as i take one off the rack, i feel a tickle on my", "nose and feel a sneeze coming on. i decide to", "itch my nose with my shoulder, and as i do, fan", "out the bag with my hands to open it. because of", "this quick action, my shoulder decides to jump up", "directly into my nose, more or less punching", "myself in the face. there was blood everywhere on", "me, the didn't let me go home." ]

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[ "so here i am, trying to recover from the funky", "funks and enjoying a wonderful cocktail of", "chicken broth and garlic croutons watching", "alaskans yell at each other about gold. after my", "one and only meal of the day, i'm chilling in my", "fortress of funk (my bed), i felt a little", "rumbbly in the tumbbly.", "i've always heard the axiom of \"never trust a", "fart when you have the flu\", but i ignored the", "facts and experiences from my past fallen", "comrades. oh, what a fool i was! i leaned over,", "expecting a minor squeeker at best, and the", "torrent of vile putridity that flowed freely from", "my backside will forever haunt me...", "trying to save face, i changed my sheets,", "bedspread, and flipped the mattress. for future", "poop-proofing i decided to remove my shower", "curtain and use it as a safety shield because", "fuck it." ]

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[ "it was so ridiculous that i still don't quite know", "what to think about it. i was taking the sat,", "doing well, confident in the essay that i wrote,", "yada yada. well, we went out for break and per", "the proctors instruction, i slipped my answer", "packet into the test booklet. i slipped it in to", "section 3 because, well, that was the next", "section and i was just kind of on autopilot", "because i was stressed about doing my best.", "we get back from break and the proctor instructs", "us to open up our answer packets and, if you", "haven't taken the sat, there's a part where you", "need to write in script about how 'this is your", "work and no one elses'. so, i flip open to the", "answer packet and i'm doing my best to remember", "how to do cursive. as i'm writing, the proctor", "says in a stern voice \"excuse me, is your test", "book open?\" i realize she's talking to me. i", "apologize profusely, trying to explain myself,", "but she's having none of it. i close the test", "booklet and tell myself to get my act together", "and pay attention.", "i was shaking from her yelling out to me. i", "simply was under so much stress that i was having", "a hard time processing it. trying to calm myself", "down and finish with the cursive, i heard the", "proctor say 'section 3'. i assumed we were", "starting section 3, so in my autopilot mode i", "flip it open again. the proctor lost it,", "wondering 'how stupid' i could be. i was honestly", "wondering the same thing, too. there was another", "kid who didn't understand as well, and she both", "reported us to her supervisor. the supervisor", "informed us that our scores would most likely be", "canceled because we could've been cheating.", "i finished section 3, excused myself, and", "canceled my scores. i signed myself up for the", "december one, but if i mess up on that one then i", "can't go to college. so basically because i was", "so nervous, stressed out, and auto pilot about", "doing well, i did the exact opposite." ]

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[ "i never thought i'd fucking say this. but now my", "innocent mind is scarred", "i was sitting in the living room with my puppy,", "watching some sunday morning talk show. she's", "sitting there, gnawing on her bone, when suddenly", "the television begins blaring. i freak out,", "thinking she was actually chewing on the remote", "and i frantically run over to her. she's confused", "because the television is so loud and i'm running", "around looking for the remote.", "i think, somehow, that my parents, in their room", "(yea, i'm 23 and live at home. cheap rent ftw),", "have the wrong remote. i knock on their door and", "open it, yelling \"where it's the remote!!\" over", "the fucking insanely loud commercials--especially", "since we all know commercials get three times", "louder than the actual show.", "yep. my dad is on top of my mom. i shut the door,", "and still search for the remote, but now i'm", "shaking. \"it'll be okay, it's not that big of a", "deal\" i tell myself. if only i knew what i'd feel", "like when the adrenaline left", "good news is that my dad found the remote. my", "ears still ring and my eyes are burning with", "almost spilled tears" ]

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[ "tifu.", "i met this very hot guy (nb. i'm also a guy) at", "the club. a gorgeous 6\" australian flight", "attendant. we really got along well - too well,", "perhaps. i didn't realise the time until he", "checked his watch and said it was 3.40am.", "we decide to go back to the hotel that his", "employer had rented for him - a really nice place", "in the centre of town. sexy times ensue.", "it's a classy hotel, too. great views of the", "river; linen that you're tempted to steel.", "we're sleeping it off and... i have this", "incredibly vivid dream that i need to pee", "terribly. in my dream i am trying so hard to find", "the bathroom.", "and then i woke up.", "completely naked, in the hotel hallway. my dream", "was correct - i definitely was in dire need of", "the bathroom. unfortunately, i could not", "remember for the life of me which hotel room i", "had stumbled out of.", "incredibly confused, freaking out, and naked, i", "go from door to door trying all the handles", "hoping that the relevant room is unlocked.", "after trying about 15 rooms, finally! success!", "the door opens!", "except... it's the wrong room. i make eye", "contact with a business man doing up his tie - my", "head poking around the door he was not aware of", "my predicament - and mutter a \"sorrywrongroom\"", "apology.", "i retire to the garbage shoot to evaluate the", "situation. what am i supposed to do?", "finally, i hear another door open. i decide", "there's nothing for it. hand-on-crotch, i step", "out and say, \"excuse me.\" i explain my", "predicament and they provide me with a towel and", "telephone reception.", "the receptionist was an absolute doll. i tell", "her, \"this was a total one night stand. i have", "no idea what his name was. all i know is that he", "works for an airline and his hotel booking is for", "several weeks.\"", "this was enough to narrow it down to two rooms on", "that level (hoping i hadn't managed the lift", "while asleep).", "we try the first option and - success - i see my", "pants in the corner. i signal to the", "receptionist *we did it* and she gives me the", "thumbs up.", "she leans over and whispers in my ear, \"his", "name's dean\" before closing the door.", "i peed, slipped back into bed and never mentioned", "a word of my fuck up to my host.", "edit for extra detail: i relieved myself down the", "hotel garbage shoot. i lied when i said i did it", "after i was allowed entry into the hotel room", "because i was actually too embarrassed to admit", "it to reddit." ]

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[ "ill start out by saying that my brother and i have", "a pretty retarded sense of humour ever since", "watching its always sunny in philadelphia...", "anyway, we could hear our neighbours out in the", "front yard, and we get along with them pretty", "well so we decided to do something funny as fuck.", "my brother revved our piece of shit 50cc scooter", "to like 60ks an hour in the back yard and went", "flying out the garage door with no helmet,", "closely followed by me piss bolting after him,", "wielding a machete yelling \"ill cut you cunt,", "dont steal my scooter you fucking rat....\" all", "the way up the street. i stop running because im", "laughing so hard and casually walk back down the", "street to my house holding a machete, this is", "when i spot some brunette stunner getting the", "keys to the house next door from my neighbours", "while they all look at me so fucking puzzled and", "weirded out.", "my brother comes back thru the garage like a", "minute later and we both lose it laughing not", "realising that she was house sitting for a week.", "at dinner, dad comes in and tells me the whole", "story of how she is 21, single, and house sitting", "for the week and apparently really nice which is", "when i realise that even if i were to throw a", "basketball over the fence \"accidentally\" so i can", "go over, she probably wont even open the front", "door." ]

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[ "ok so get to work (liquor clerk) and i'm told my", "boss got just transfered. this is a bad thing. i", "have a second job dj'n and my current schedule", "was so money.", "so i am working hard stocking and getting bummed.", "hoping the karma police would fix things.", "suddenly...", "i see a customer drop a 2 litter of sprite off a", "five foot rack.", "i could have been sharp and quickly exchanged the", "2 liter. but there was a line and i was in the", "middle of a transaction.", "so this guy has like 5 bottles in his hands and i", "am almost done ringing up a fine early fourty's", "dame. she is rocking a top notch deep red wool", "coat and a long fashionable fall dress.", "i see captain awkward try to place his booze and", "shaken up 2 liter on the counter and erhh mah", "gawd i see him start to fumble.", "the 2 liter somehow, out of an act from god,", "lands between the dames legs.", "eruption. \n\nfirst thing i say is.", "\"that...was...awesome\" (old school style)", "thankfully i live in a chill city so nobody", "freaked out. the clutz was apologetic. the dame", "was stunned. i was smiling.", "the security video is sick. had to watch it like", "5 times. the 2 liter of sprite erupted directly", "under her. could go viral with the video but i", "love my job too much." ]

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[ "okay so to start this off i dont usually fall", "asleep in class but you know theres not much else", "to do besides play minesweeper in your head.", "anyway it was a warm thursday school day (i", "remember because it was terrific tuesdays in my", "math class). anyway, i was chilling in math class", "and i finished early so im like, hey might as", "well do some homework that i havent done yet. so", "i finished my homework in math class, no big deal", "right? wrong. i had nothing else to do in my", "other classes. so computer education rolled up", "and bam!", "free day.", "and im like omg i wasted so much time, i coudve", "done my homework now. i look around and everyone", "else is sleeping. i figure i should sleep too to", "blend in (i dont believe in not blending in)", "anyway so like i said this was the first time i", "ever fell asleep in class and when i woke up,", "everyone was staring at me and pointing and", "laughing and the teacher was throwing paper wads", "at me saying \"hey sport you got some z's above", "your head\"", "ive nevr been so embarrassed in my life, exept", "then i woke up for real and the bell had already", "rang and i was late for pe, my favorite class.", "but after that day and that dream ive never been", "able to sleep in class again, but i feel like", "people already expect me to, like ive got a", "reputation to uphold. so every day i lay my head", "down and pretend to sleep for up to 20 minutes in", "every class. its awful." ]

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[ "i poste a realy funny comment on askreddit and i", "didnt get reddit gold", "trhen i asked politely for ppl to give me reddit", "gold and i didnt get it", "now im sad" ]

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[ "this actually happened a few years ago, but", "whatever.", "i was working at a store behind the counter, and", "this rather large woman, who i thought to be", "pregnant since her bf/husband was there and", "rubbing her belly, comes to the counter to buy", "some things. i scan them through, and while doing", "so try to make some idle conversation. i'm not", "too good at conversation in general, but i try my", "best. i open with \"when are you due?\". the woman", "and her bf/husband look at me with the widest", "eyes and mouth i have ever seen anyone have. \"i'm", "not fucking pregnant you dumb c*nt!\"", "i quickly get their items for them, they pay and", "leave. get fired when my manager finds out." ]

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[ "okay, a bit of backstory, both my friend and i", "need to get out of our houses. my mother is", "running me broke (and i can't say no, or i'll be", "homeless), and her mom is causing her to have", "stress-related seizures.", "so, while talking...well, ranting to her a few", "months ago, i was saying that i was looking for", "an apartment, and she told me that she wanted to", "come with, and split the rent. but neither of us", "had a job, which would help with nothing. after a", "while, i got an overnight job at a walmart,", "stocking the shelves and making a decent $9.65 an", "hour. i decided to help my friend get a job", "there, but knowing her, her people skills are", "lacking, allowing her to fail the application", "assessment (she answered honestly, like...you", "don't do that). during the 60 days she had to", "wait, we applied to a target that was newly", "opened. they called today, and after a bit of", "pleading, i convinced them to give her a call.", "this is how it went down (she was on speaker).", "**target human personnel**: hi! is this mr_mech's", "friend i'm speaking with i'm speaking with?", "**friend**: yes, this is her.", "**thp**: well, your friend mr_mech wanted us to", "call you, so that we could hopefully get an", "interview. may i ask what position you're", "applying for?", "**friend**: stocker...without customers.", "**me** (storming of to another room): oh my god", "you stupid bitch.", "**thp**: oh...well, we'll see if we can pencil", "you in, we'll contact you by mail or phone call,", "letting you know if we have anything.", "**friend** (sounding dejected): okay, thanks for", "the call.", "okay, maybe i shouldn't have yelled that she was", "a stupid bitch, but it was my fault for", "continuously telling her that i'd put her in the", "back room to avoid customers, it turns out that", "she doesn't think when she's under pressure, so", "i'm currently teaching her how to lie to get a", "job. luckily for her, she was able to reapply to", "walmart, and i took the app assessment, so she's", "clear on that one, my manager is aware of her", "antics, so she should be good for the job." ]

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[ "me and my friend both golf. we were sitting in a", "golf cart next to a tee box and my friend points", "to a squirrel grazing on some grass in the middle", "of the tee box and says \"you think i can hit it?\"", "the squirrel was about 8 to 10ft away so i said", "maybe. well right when i said maybe i turn to", "look at my friend and he has his arm completely", "wound up ready to throw a 90mph fastball at this", "little guy. right when i was about to say wait,", "the ball zings towards the squirrel and hits it", "straight into the eyeball. all three of us", "(including the squirrel) freaked the fuck out. it", "falls over, scratching with its claws at its", "bursted and bleeding eyeball. it writhes around", "for about 20 seconds, and eventually does the all", "familiar death twitch. once we figured it was", "dead, i came to conclusion it wouldn't be best to", "leave the corpse in the middle of the tee box", "where everyone can see it so i ask my friend \"are", "you going to move it?\" he says fuck no so i put", "my golfer's glove on (can't be too careful", "right?) and throw it into the nearby bushes. we", "carried on with our game, haunted by that little", "innocent squirrel." ]

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[ "(throwaway account because it's kinda gross.)", "so today i was touring the campus of a school", "i've been accepted in to. i was supposed to meet", "a counselor at 11, but i was early. thankfully i", "had a shit to take; great way to pass the time.", "it's finals week so the campus was practically", "empty. i head into the mens room and discover", "two stalls-- one was occupied. i got a little", "nervous because i'm 'gun shy', so to speak, but", "being a grown man, i went in and sat down.", "the other guy must have been poo shy too because", "it was silent for a few minutes. i finally", "became relaxed enough to do my thing, and it went", "well, so now it was time to wipe.", "...the bathroom was silent so i knew when i", "started wiping the stranger would hear it. not", "only that but he would know exactly what that", "sound was. cue panic attack.", "i tried to time the wipe with the toilet flushing", "but there was a problem with the motion sensor so", "i had to hit this button with the same hand i was", "wiping with because the other hand was holding my", "shirt out of the way of my ass. the flush didn't", "last very long, and before i knew it i was in", "\"abort mission\" mode- pulled up my pants and", "gtfo.", "when i left the bathroom i realized i had not", "done a very good wipe job at all. so today i", "toured the campus of my new school with the worst", "case of mud butt i've had since i was in diapers.", "and, oh yeah, you could smell it if the right", "breeze wafted through." ]

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[ "happened this morning.", "i went out for a little while, and realized i had", "to pee. bad. so i figure, \"oh, i'll be good til i", "get home\". this was true. but what happened after", "was not. i open my door and start to make my way", "in and realize i am not gonna make the bathroom", "(damn radar piss). i get into the little foyer i", "have, open my zipper and just start pissing. i", "left a garbage bag near there for later on, and i", "threw it on the ground to soak it up. didnt work.", "about halfway thru i realize what a horrible", "mistake i have just made, but obviously you can't", "stop it midstream. i keep going, and you dont", "realize how much you pee until it isnt in a", "toilet. it starts overflowing the floor, and", "trickling down. and further. by the end i'm", "standing in a pool of my piss and just look like", "\"damn, now what?\". i get a towel to clean it, but", "it's just spreading it around and making it", "worse. the whole area is drenched in piss at this", "point. the stench is starting to reek, and i just", "finish cleaning and make my way in. it's now", "about an hour after, and my computer is right", "next to the place it all happened.", "it reeks of piss, and the real kicker is i live", "with my family. just wait til they get home...", "i fucked up.", "edit- people keep saying \"why not just run to the", "bathroom?\". you know that part in spongebob where", "the spongebobs in his brain throw out everything", "he ever learned or remembered and he just stands", "there blankly. that's what my brain did. just", "like \"whip yo dick out and let that mother", "stream\".", "edit 2 - told my sisters. they were both", "disgusted and horrified. awkward." ]

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[ "this happened the other night while driving to", "meet up with my friends for a night of hookah and", "cards against humanity.", "so, backstory. i drive an '89 cherokee, and given", "my 6'3\" stature, the extreme left side of the", "windshield is a bit difficult to see out of some", "times. on top of that, i live in a fairly", "mountainous area and the pine trees have been", "dumping their pollen all over everything (i", "actually saw a pollen-devil the other day when it", "was hot). i don't normally have issues with a", "dirty windshield, but it's been pretty bad", "lately. i keep putting off washing the car", "because i have other more important things to do", "(like studying for finals).", "so anyway, it's been a long day of work and", "school (working at a plant nursery around", "mother's day is pretty brutal), and i'm going to", "hang out with my friends in the downtown area of", "the large city that's down the mountain, so to", "speak. i'm cruising along, not thinking much of", "my dirty windshield beyond a little added glare.", "i get to the left turn i need to make, no cars", "are around, so i just go for it. being tired, i", "completely forgot that there might be", "pedestrians. lo and behold, there was, and he", "just so happened to be at such a spot that i", "couldn't see him until after i got into the turn.", "my car handles relatively well and so i was still", "doing a solid 15mph around the corner. cue my", "sudden vision of the poor guy. i slam on my", "brakes and swerve to the right, and he does a", "little dance and makes it out of the way. he was", "close enough that he actually reached out and", "leaned on my hood in his efforts to get away. of", "course i was fucking terrified, and i almost", "crawled out of my window during my profuse", "apologies. he gave me a look that was half", "terror/adrenaline and half \"what the fuck were", "you doing?\" and goes on his way. i'm just glad i", "didn't pull a \"are you fucking sorry?!\"", "on the bright side, once i arrived i was", "surprised with one of my very best friends who i", "hadn't seen in 6 months. just about hugged her to", "death." ]

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[ "so i have had these spots on the tip of my dick", "for quite a while now (close to a year) and never", "really thought anything of it because the last", "(and sadly first) time i had intercourse was", "around 5 years ago and even then i used a condom.", "so i was in the doctor today and finally decided", "to ask because at this point i figured they were", "probably callused spots from masturbating without", "lube on the reg. it turns out that they are", "something known as molluscum, a warts virus that", "is not always transmitted sexually, but can be. i", "was told by the doctor that i most likely got it", "from going to the university gym and using their", "towels/swimming pool. the only treatment option", "available is freezing them off with liquid", "nitrogen (not a pleasant thought) and even then", "the results would be about 2-5 months in coming", "and require bi-weekly visits. the doctor also", "said that doing nothing is also an option, but", "its been so long i kind of feel like i should try", "to take action. luckily, i have not given these", "to anyone else or else i would just feel like the", "world's biggest douche-bag. the worst part is", "this is my last summer of college and i just", "started hanging out with this amazing girl, and", "if things get hot and heavy im going to have to", "stop them flat. the moral of the story kids is if", "something seems weird on your body, go ask a", "fucking doctor." ]

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[ "so, i've been unemployed for close to 2 years", "after leaving college, getting pretty desperate,", "so i take this job in a really small company.", "there are 4 other people there, all of which are", "female, making me the only guy. the night before", "i start i cant really sleep much, i'm really", "nervous, so going into work i am exhausted.", "i try and resist the temptation of sleep for as", "long as i can, and as a result, those annoying as", "fuck sleepy boners come flying in, i managed to", "hide most of them well, looking busy at my desk,", "but then my manager was changing a light bulb,", "and me being a fairly tall gentleman, was drafted", "into helping her out. you can guess where this is", "going, cue the most awkward sleepy boner around.", "luckily no one noticed.. that is until my manager", "backed up against me and felt it with her hip.", "she takes one look down, and looks at me and", "says, \"i don't think this role is suitable for", "you.\" tells me to pack my stuff up and leave.", "tifu.", "should add, i'm from the uk so college to us ends", "at 18, or for me, 17." ]

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[ "the other day i was out running errands on my", "lunch hour. it was our first really hot day, 90+,", "and i'm a big guy. also i should say i was in a", "convertible with the top down. so i get some taco", "bell and a large diet dew in the midst of my", "errands. mind you i have been sucking down diet", "dew all day and peed a couple of times already.", "finally i'm getting firmly middle aged and the", "prostrate is not what is used to be.", "so, i'm on my final errand. i'm at the post", "office mailing the results of my previous", "efforts. and i get the urge to pee really bad. of", "course there's no bathroom available here. a", "little pee sneaks out. \"shit!\" i think, but maybe", "that will relieve some pressure. nope. it's only", "getting worse.", "i'm standing in front of the robo postal thing", "buying postage and bouncing up and down. a little", "more squirts out. i still think i'm safe. the", "undies will catch it. all i need to do now is", "seal and mail the damn letters (when will we be", "able to attach physical objects to e-mail? google", "are you listening?). suddenly the dam bursts.", "piss is running down my legs, my pants are", "soaked, i'm mortified.", "i look around, no one has noticed. good.", "fortunately i parked close. i have maybe 100 feet", "to my car to hide in. i head for the door. i go", "out the wrong way. a woman comes in right as i'm", "in her path. i twist out of her way and turn my", "dry behind to her. if she see she says nothing. i", "think i'm home free, nope. there's a second woman", "right behind the first. i try to turn again, but", "i can't since i'm at the door by now. again if", "she sees, she's kind enough not to say anything.", "i make it safely to my car.", "i call off work for the rest of the day, shower", "change and try to forget." ]

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[ "didn't think i'd be back here so soon... this", "happened 2 days ago.", "i head over to my friends house around the time", "he gets off of work was going to surprise him", "with some beers and a blunt to smoke, i get there", "before him and notice nobody is home at his", "house? weird but whatever i go inside as usual no", "big deal, decide to smoke some weed on the", "upstairs balcony while i'm waiting. i hear a car", "pull up, figure its my friend and i decide i'm", "going to scare the shit out of him. i'm stoned", "and imagining the possibilities before deciding", "to just jump out of the hallway closet and", "startle him.", "i'm waiting... and waiting... finally i hear 2", "sets of footsteps and girl voices and realize its", "his sisters getting home from swim practice. no", "matter i'm going to scare the shit out of these", "girls, going to be awesome. i wait for the", "perfect moment, just as they walk by the door, i", "spring out behind them yelling 'don't move!!'", "the older one just doesnt even turn around to", "look just screams and runs, the younger one goes", "laura croft on my ass... spins around and punches", "me in my fuckin eye! a solid punch too i was more", "surprised than anything, of course we laughed it", "off. she felt really bad.", "here's where i fuck up, i let her take a picture", "of my black eye and now everyone knows i got a", "beat down from a 15 year old. i'm 19." ]

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[ "so today i fucked up my hands bad. i was in my or", "less a heated argument with my brother. i", "supposedly have some crazy eye, according to my", "brother, i get when i am beyond angry. i mean", "uncontrollable and violent. some thing was said", "to the effect if you hurt me i will choke you", "out. i am half his size and i love him he is my", "brother. i don't want to wrestle with him, last", "time he broke at least two of my ribs. it hurt", "for weeks.", "so when he stood up and kept saying what i heard", "\"i'll choke you out\" i grabbed the first two", "things i saw which were glass half liter bottle.", "one was thick clear glass and the other was a", "dark medicine bottle tempered glass. i only meant", "to bang them against each other hard enough to", "clank and me say like back off man. but alas my", "dumb ass self bangs them so hard against each", "other that the brown bottle explodes like a", "rupert drop. it hand my hands bloody immediately", "but i didn't end up with any serious wounds and", "my brother well.... he backed off. =) and we", "resolved the argument. i hate politics." ]

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[ "tonight i fucked over myself. i was just getting", "ready to fall asleep when i thought it might be a", "good idea to have some white noise on to help me.", "so i locate my phone, and turn on pandora, i", "really only use pandora on my phone for this", "reason so it was already on a good station for my", "goal. (\"ludo\" for the record)", "i thought all was well till i noticed the song", "playing, a song talking about going back in time", "to spend more time with a loved one who you", "didn't get to say good bye to. my mind started to", "wonder in the lyrics, as i do with most songs.", "finding it's way to the story inbeded in the e.p.", "the song was found of. the story is one of a guy", "who loses his wife/girlfriend in a car crash,", "builds a time machine, goes back in time to fight", "off dinosaurs, mother nature, dragons, zombies,", "etc. all in hopes that he can just die in the car", "with the woman he loved.", "well that story turned my mind to start thinking", "about my dad, who was murdered in august of last", "year. and how i will never get the chance to", "spend more time with him, or joke around with", "him. then how it's not just me who won't get this", "chance but anyone. and though i'm normally able", "to cope with it i find myself just unable to wrap", "my mind around that idea, even though it's been", "almost a year and a half i just can't seem to", "accept it right now...." ]

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[ "it turns out nobody on reddit understands sarcasm,", "even when it's blatantly obvious. they always", "just think you're too stupid to be sarcastic.", "this incident was about military time, but it", "happens a lot more often then you'd think. so", "just a quick tifu: tried to be funny to an", "audience that's too high and mighty for comedy.", "so fuck you reddit. fuck all of you. fucking", "dickbags." ]

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[ "it all starts out on a normal day. i'm running", "late for school, and i'm in a hurry. as i barge", "out of the door, i realize that i have forgotten", "my keys and that without them i'd have no way", "inside my house because my father would be at", "work. i head back in a rush and absentmindedly", "grab a pair of keys from the windowsill and head", "out. while halfway to the bus stop, my father", "calls me and tells me i have forgotten my keys.", "now, at this point i totally forgot that i had", "went back in to take keys, so i just went back", "home and grabbed my house keys and ran off to the", "bus stop just making the bus. ten minutes go by,", "and i reach into my pocket for a piece of gum.", "confused, i pull out my father's car keys. \"oh,", "fuck.\" i think. but no problem, because we have", "two cars and he can take the other one, right?", "wrong. the car to which keys i accidentally took", "when i ran back into the house the first time", "were the car keys, my dad later gave me my own", "keys. that car was blocking the second car in the", "drive. my dad shows up to work two hours late,", "gets humiliated by his supervisor, and almost", "fired. luckily, he was given a first warning", "because he never shows up late.", "edit: some people are getting confused by my", "story. my dad works in a hospital and there is no", "excuse for being late unless it's something like", "a car accident, death in family, etc. mostly", "everything has to be called in for. my dad works", "in the emergency room department so they always", "need people to be working." ]

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[ "so i have a friend delivers at this place asked me", "to cover for him, me being the broke jobless high", "school kid i leap at the opportunity. even though", "my car's in the shop, i borrow my dad's in order", "to work. go in midday, slow only 2 deliveries,", "then the third one comes. the third delivery's", "alil heavy, and wet on the bottom, but i think", "nothing of it, have delivered before and it", "wasn't that heavy or wet. i get to the place, i", "pick it up, and the bottom collapsed right above", "my middle console. the soups all explode getting", "fucking everywhere. my cup holders became won ton", "baths for my phone. the seats are like cloth", "fiber and take some too, it seeps through other", "parts of the console. so now my dad's new dodge", "dart is probably going to smell of shitty wok for", "the rest of its life." ]

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[ "my boyfriend and i had been hanging out, and we", "were starting to get very affectionate - in a way", "that remaining outside was probably going to get", "us some trouble. instead of stopping, he", "suggested that we go to his brother's house.", "keeping in mind that his brother and", "sister-in-law were moving out and the doors were", "locked with the keys inside. it sounded like a", "great idea, so that's what we did. for the last", "month or so we've been waiting for an opportunity", "to shower together, and with the water still on", "in the locked and mostly empty house, we jumped", "on it. i felt a little paranoid about it, but let", "it slide. we had to make it fairly quick, as my", "dad was coming to get me within fifteen minutes -", "we're still in high school, fyi.", "so we start going at it, and i hear the front", "door slam open (which is the only way to open it", "when it's locked). i tell him, and quickly turn", "off the water. turns out his sister-in-law was", "coming to switch some laundry over. he hops out", "and quickly gets dressed to explain what we're", "doing there while i dry off and put my own", "clothes back on. and by explain, i mean tell the", "excuse we'd come up with for in case my dad asked", "why my hair was wet or if we got caught. went", "home, story worked like a charm. with \"alice\"....", "not so much, apparently. she knows, and just told", "us to not mention the incident to his brother and", "that she wouldn't say anything." ]

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[ "so i was on a job site today, moving around", "materials with a pump-cart. so anyway, i came to", "a ramp and i had to get the cart down it.", "i'm a guy who has never really been on a job site", "prior to the week i've been on this one. i'm not", "really savvy with anything handyman-ish, and i", "definitely under appreciated the weight of the", "wood on my cart. i've used a pump cart before,", "but for some reason i thought this one defied the", "laws of gravity. so i had probably close to two", "hundred pounds of wood on a pallet, and i didn't", "want it to go careening down the ramp and hurt", "someone potentially, so i thought i would go in", "front of it and ease it down the ramp. bad", "thought.", "the cart picked up momentum about a quarter of", "the way down the ramp and i knew it was going to", "take me with it, so i jumped out of the way. but", "unfortunately for me, i knocked the steering", "apparatus while jumping out of the way and the", "cart turned right toward me. the only place my", "foot had to go, was right into the concrete on", "the other side. i think i piece of metal from", "the cart is what punctured my foot.", "thankfully, only muscle damage. no tendon", "damage, no broken bones, and didn't tear the", "artery near my ankle.", "here's a picture: http://imgur.com/bde7fbt (gore", "and carnage)" ]

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[ "so i just finished school up (i'm on the quarter", "system) and came back home. yesterday my cousin", "hit me up to go to the bars with him. seeing as i", "recently graduated, people kept buying me drinks.", "i got sloshed. well this one hot girl starts", "flirting with me, and telling me i'm cute. we", "start to talk, and she tells me she owns a", "furniture store in downtown. then she tells me we", "can check it out later. we talk for a little", "while longer at the bar, and then we leave for", "her furniture store. however, she insists i buy", "beer at the 7-11 next to her place. we go into", "the furniture shop, and proceed to drink beers. i", "wake up in the morning to discover i pissed", "myself on one of her show room couches. i tell", "her i have to get going, and booked it out of", "there. no number, no info, just scrammed." ]

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[ "wow, this subreddit is already making me feel", "better. i just went to google and typed in 'i", "fucked up' on a whim, because i did, and now here", "i am!", "i have been in this apartment for two years now.", "when i moved in, the owners lived nearby. it is a", "'no pets' lane of apartments but there was cat", "food we had to clean out from under the oven when", "i moved in, and cats further down the row of", "apartments, so about six months in i asked if i", "could get a cat. they said okay, so i got a", "signed paper from them to send to the local", "adoption agency ('local' meaning two hours away)", "and got myself a ridiculously spoiled indoor-only", "cat.", "since then, the apartment row has been", "transferred to the management of a faceless", "corporation that is four hours away in the next", "major city. the owners moved to florida, i", "believe.", "i let the place get really messy because i am a", "slob and a bachelorette and i never have anyone", "over. i got a citation about a month ago telling", "me i had two weeks to clean the fuck up, so i", "did. got rid of trash, cleaned out the fridge,", "vacuumed, washed walls and floors, the whole", "deal. and i made sure it stayed that way. they", "came back to inspect, found it good, said so, and", "left.", "now, however, i got a second citation, telling me", "i have an unauthorized animal on the premises", "that is making a mess and causing damage.", "(scratched screen, bent blinds). i have until", "this friday to get rid of him, or they will 'take", "action' and i will be liable for damages.", "i have no idea what to do. i'm trying to get", "ahold of the shelter to see if they can get me a", "copy of the original letter of permission. if", "not, i think the shelter's provision is that they", "will take the animal back. i live in an", "incredibly rural area and there are almost no", "other apartments that will allow pets. especially", "now that i've gotten in trouble for making a", "mess, i'm not even sure if they'd let me in. i", "have no idea what kind of damages they're", "claiming, or if they'll let me keep this cat.", "i've cleaned up my act, the apartment is nice and", "has been since they inspected, but i'm not sure", "if they'll back down.", "i live literally a thousand miles away from the", "rest of my family. i moved out here for this job.", "i don't even know how long i'll have it. this cat", "is my buddy and i have had him without problems", "for a year and a half. if i have to return him it", "is incredibly abrupt, and i don't know what i'll", "do except maybe stay indoors and cry all summer.", "i don't care if i'm fucking 28; he's my fucking", "cat." ]

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[ "last year i lost a bunch of weight, and like most-", "this year i'm well on the way to gaining it back.", "in an effort to lose the 25 lbs that i gained, i", "decided to start the same regimen i did last year", "by going on a several mike long walk/jog in my", "toe shoes. 6 miles in i notice that one of my", "toes starts to hurt and so i turn around and jog", "the 6 miles back, checking my toe for damage when", "i get home. it's fine, not even raw. so imagine", "to my surprise when i look down today, 4 days", "later, and see the biggest blister i've ever seen", "sprouting from my middle toe. being a dumb", "college kid, i find my fiance's dull pocket knife", "and go at it. nothing but blood and thick yellow", "goo. i'm now sitting at the urgent care getting", "it stitched up (it was under all the skin and", "they had to remove some, then sew) about to go on", "antibiotics.", "i will burn the shoes when i get home." ]

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[ "i live in a manufactured home (fancy term for a", "doublewide) and we have a wooden deck on the", "house. whoever built the deck didn't put", "adequate support beams in the middle of the deck,", "so it's bowing pretty badly. anyway, after i was", "done grilling on my small grill that sit on the", "ground, i went inside to eat and let the grill", "cool off. well, because of the bowing, the grill", "fell and one of the charcoals fell out without me", "realizing it. so i set the grill back up without", "seeing the still-hot coal. i go out there in the", "morning to leave to go to the farmers market and", "i see that the grill has partially fallen through", "the deck. i move the grill to see a decently", "sized hole (probably two feet long and 10 inches", "wide) had been burned through the deck." ]

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[ "so my boyfriend and i are getting ready to lay", "down and he tells me to make the bed. (because i", "move around a lot in my sleep and mess up the", "bedding.) the lights are already off and i go to", "make the bed. as i am moving the covers around, i", "notice what looks like a small box, a small ring", "box. my heart stops, and he says \"what is that?\"", "i'm all \"i don't know...\" and i pick it up, full", "of emotions, about to cry. ...it's the charging", "port to his phone charger. apparently he thought", "i was going to propose to him too because he", "really didn't know what it was. i'm an idiot." ]

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[ "so today i was in costco buying supplies for a", "family party i was to attend later in the day. i", "passed by the tyre section of the shop and", "noticed a beautifully presented case of", "windscreen wipers. they were good quality ones,", "bridgestone, compared to the worn 'imported' ebay", "ones currently on my car. my current ones were", "ok, they were a bit noisy but i had no reason to", "change. i figured i could put something decent on", "her for once and splurged the £13 ($35) for a set", "of two.", "i got her home and figured i would fit them right", "away! this is the point when i remember that life", "isn't fair and no matter what youre doing you'll", "be able to find a way to fuck it up. so, the", "first wiper went on no issue. i began on the", "second. it was a bit more difficult to get off", "but i got there in the end.", "i left to get the new wiper.", "there was a light breeze of wind.", "the wiper arm fell back down.", "my windscreen smashed.", "yeah her £13 upgrade turned into an £80 new", "windscreen.", "the wipers suck too." ]

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[ "^^there ^^will ^^be ^^a ^^tldr ^^at ^^the ^^bottom", "^^^^teehee", "i love my ass. it's a ton of fun to play with.", "you put things in, you take things out, this", "makes your 'me' time is so much better. as a guy,", "it's the only way to get in touch with your inner", "self and i think it's fascinating to say the", "least.", "but today, this was the reason i was mentally", "preparing a makeshift will. i'm only 18 and i", "pretty much have nothing to do all day unless i'm", "working. obviously if you have the house to", "yourself, you start to get creative with what you", "jerk to/with/how. living at home still trying to", "get to school or something, i work odd hours.", "today i was going to be working 1:30 to 10:00.", "i felt particularly kinky today and decided that", "i wanted to test my colon's absorption ability.", "i've gotten drunk once before, and had a beer or", "two maybe six other times. i clearly don't know", "how my body handles alcohol very well, let alone", "unfiltered anus liquor.", "but this doesn't cross my mind. i just want to", "get a bit of a buzz this morning.", "warning: unfiltered ass play ahead\n-------------", "10:30a i have my shot of vodka in one of those", "tiny rum bottles and a straw.", "i know my plan: create fart, insert bottle and", "swap fart for shot.", "but things aren't perfect. the straw is tearing", "my asshole a new asshole. it's not that bad", "though, so i just tough the initial pain out and", "bend over on my knees and let gravity pull some", "air in.", "then i replace my straw for the bottle while", "standing and get back on my knees. watching my", "reflection in our full length mirror i shove my", "ass almost perpendicular to the floor and both", "legs spread to see the view. i relax my abs and", "suddenly the bottle is now empty.", "wow. i feel nothing. i expected a little bit of a", "tingle or burn, but there's nothing. that is,", "until i take the bottle out. my anus seems to be", "the only thing that realises what a bad idea this", "is and screams a signal of pain on contact with", "the alcohol. not cool. but whatever; i'm just", "gonna let the rest of it get absorbed so it won't", "touch my anus any more! foolishly i want to jerk", "something fierce. a small shampoo thing gets to", "spend quality time with me. in it goes and off i", "get.", "unfortunately it slips out and a splash of anus", "burning liquid follows before i clamp shut. it", "burns. that's not good. ^^oh. this probably", "wasn't a great idea. [i'm", "out.](http://cdn.chud.com/1/1f/295x221px-ll-1f759", "989_jerry-seinfeld-leaving1.gif)", "i'm getting to the toilet and feel the pressure", "of the leftover makeshift fart coming on.", "apparently i took in more air than i thought.", "do you remember the burning of diarrhoea? only", "having a shot worth of this is fantastic, because", "every drip leaving feels like letting satan poke", "my pink. followed immediately after is a 20", "second fart that feels like heaven. but all is", "not well in colon town. head office has noticed a", "disturbance. an off balance. some huge negative", "feedback loop starts the process of removing this", "foreign substance from my digestive tract, and", "starts doing some natural laxative shit to me.", "now i'm feeling waves of discomfort as my bowels", "rustle and shimmy shit at breakneck speeds to the", "throne. i'm now a hot mess of shit, vodka, and", "worry.", "but the first wave is over and i'm feeling a", "little off but okay. so i lay down and rest a bit", "and think about what i've done.", "my mind jumps to the idea of liver failure and", "within seconds i'm googling the symptoms. but i'm", "pretty much okay. i rest until i'm ready to go to", "work and for at least another 30 minutes i'm", "okay.", "but the shits start again when i get to work.", "more gurgles and stuff make me run for the toilet", "every little while. i also started feeling a bit", "bloated, making me think that my liver was", "backing up and being problematic.", "to make a long story shorter, a super fart after", "many mucusy damaged anus poops made me feel on", "top of the world. for the four hours there,", "though, i was certain i shocked my liver to", "failure or something.", "never doing that again.", "i like my butt so i put vodka in my butt. my butt", "didn't like that and shot it and everything in my", "poop tubes straight out. i started convincing", "myself that i triggered super fast acute liver", "failure and was just waiting for jaundice to be", "my tell tale doctors trip note. let a fart out", "hours later and i'm not dead." ]

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[ "last weekend, i came home because my parents live", "in the same town that i go to college. well, i", "knew it was gonna be bad because i had started", "having stomach problems saturday morning. i", "started feeling sweaty and uncomfortable with", "slight bubbly feelings, and as these are the", "normal symptoms for me when i start getting sick,", "i just knew. i knew it was going to be awful,", "because i never get sick with mild things.", "easter arrives. i estimate i have a fever of 100,", "but i haven't bothered to do anything but take", "some acetaminophen because i have to go through", "my little sister's baptism. it's one of those", "new-age churches, you know, wear jeans and", "t-shirts and there's a band that plays. close to", "the end of service, my mom says \"we're going to", "go to lunch afterwards.\" and i cut her off with a", "half-groaned \"no.\" by this point, i was clenching", "every abdominal muscle i could to not puke in", "this rather nice looking church. i did not need", "an exorcism. this was at noon.", "we get home, my sister stays home with me because", "she just doesn't want to go. around three", "o'clock, she orders pizza. hawaiian. my favorite.", "i figured, i haven't eaten anything all day, i", "should try a slice. it was a small pizza anyway,", "so the slices weren't huge. i had two. retreat", "upstairs, stomach's acting up. lay down for an", "hour or so. wake up, feel like i have a fart i", "can't trust. run to toilet. nothing happens. get", "up, about to pull pants up-boom. vomit's coming.", "turn 180 degrees to the", "closest-and-not-urine-filled receptacle: the tub.", "about five heaves later, there are two slices of", "pizza in the tub, with identifiable parts.", "pineapple, ham, some cheese. my thought was \"did", "i really just not chew?\"", "anyway, i pretty much just shut down, and get", "locked into bed because i can't move. next", "morning i wake up to go back to campus for class,", "and just before we leave i'm napping on the sofa.", "wake up. gotta fart. i shouldn't have trusted it.", "ran to the bathroom, eject out of pants. it's", "just everywhere. so i soak the underwear, and", "call out-\"my laundry is out there-can i have some", "underwear and jeans, please?\" my mom's boyfriend", "brings them to me, and my shame has no fucking", "limits at this point. i clean my underwear out", "with hot water and soap, wash my hands, clean out", "the sink with bleach, and we leave. but that's", "not all.", "on the way, i make him pull over less than a mile", "from my campus because i have to heave on the", "side of the road. i ended up skipping about 3 or", "4 classes this week because i was too scared i", "would have another incident, and didn't even eat", "a full meal until tuesday night.", "oh, and i infected my oldest sister with it while", "i was there." ]

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[ "to clarify this happened in 2006-ish on my first", "ever trip on an airplane", "i was sitting in my seat with my mom when i felt", "the urgent need to pee. i get the green light", "from my mom to go because we could finally take", "our seatbelts off and because this was my first", "trip i didnt want to fuck up (but boy did i!) i", "get up and make my way to the bathroom and lock", "the door behind me, i proceed to unzip my pants", "and let out the pee i'd been holding in for so", "long when suddenly the whole bathroom shakes from", "the plane hitting some 'unexpected' turbulence", "which sent my urine everywhere, the wall, my", "trousers, my brand new shirt, and all over the", "floor. i panicked and backed out of the stall and", "nearly bumped into the window and calmly and", "inconspicuously walk over to my seat, reeking in", "urine. i take a look behind me to see an air", "hostess standing in my urine because when she", "opened the door due to some complaint by another", "passenger all my pee leaked out onto her brand", "new and rather expensive looking shoes. i kept", "quiet the whole way and covered myself as much as", "possible when she came to give me my food..." ]

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[ "i don't even know if i'm posting this is the right", "place, but i feel so shit (excuse my language)", "right now, so i just want to get it off my chest,", "and get a bit of advice.", "basically, long story short, i met a girl a while", "back, and we decided to keep in contact over", "facebook, because she lives a little way away", "from me. (not too far, but definitely not walking", "distance) we eventually got to know each other", "quite well.", "so, we chatted for a while, and i asked her out,", "except i didn't know she had a boyfriend, until", "she told me, but she said we could still be", "friends. (friendzoned, i know, but i didn't", "really mind)", "so after a while, we decided to meet up (as", "friends, nothing else, i'm not that type of", "person). we did it earlier today, and just went", "to town and hung out for an hour or two, but i", "noticed it was incredibly uncomfortable, tense", "and frosty", "she told me after she felt bad, because she was", "with someone, and it didn't feel right, but", "nothing happened (or was going to happen), we", "were just hanging out as friends, and i wanted to", "chat, without doing it through a computer screen", "for once.", "i feel like i've just made a good friendship", "incredibly awkward, i don't think i can ever", "speak to her again, and if we do, it won't be the", "same as before. i feel like the biggest fucking", "dickhead in the world right now.", "reddit, i really fucked up." ]

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[ "today i went into des moines with some friends for", "lunch. the wait was almost 2 hours, so we went", "to a clothing store to burn some time. i wanted", "to buy a t-shirt there, and went to the dressing", "room to see how it fit. the dressing rooms were", "closed off by shower curtains rather than doors.", "as i reached behind me to close the curtain, i", "felt a popping sensation in my left shoulder,", "followed by immediate pain. turns out, i had a", "[subluxation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/sublux", "ation)", "in my shoulder joint.", "this had happened to me a total of 3 times", "before, over the course of approximately the last", "3 years. usually, it pops back in by itself", "within 20 minutes or so, so i thought i could", "just wait it out. it wasn't popping in, though,", "and the friends i was with suggested going to a", "doctor/hospital.", "luckily there was one within five minutes from", "where we were. we got there, i got wheeled into", "the er, and my \"appointment\" began. ***just***", "as the doctor was coming in to put my shoulder", "back into place, i was taking my shirt off so he", "could work better. while i was doing this, sure", "enough, the shoulder went back in and there was", "immediate pain relief.", "they shot me in the ass with some", "anti-inflammatory / pain medicine, prescribed me", "some vicodin, and sent me on my way." ]

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[ "this fuck up requires some back story. before i", "divulge much, this is a story of me being", "extremely stupid. i'm aware of this; i'm still", "growing up and will avoid these sorts of stupid", "scenarios in the futre. pardon any syntax or", "grammatical errors.", "rewind one month ago to late february. i'm with", "my friend who i'll refer to as phil. phil and i", "are pretty close friends, been smoking buddies", "for a while now; i've gotten to know his family", "and his girlfriends family really well due to", "mutual friends, similar interests, that sorta", "stuff. anyway, we're going to do one of our", "traditional nights of smoking and playing video", "games at my house. i had just picked him up", "around 11:30pm on a wednesday night and we were", "half way back to my house, smoking a bowl that i", "had packed earlier. i see police lights go off.", "fuck. we have my grinder and a handful of", "paraphernalia on top of 2 1/2 grams of bud i had.", "the cop, who's tense and pissed as fuck, said he", "pulled me over because i wasn't smart and didn't", "turn on my hazards to try and indicate i was", "going to find a safer place to pull off' instead", "i drove past an intersection first with cruiser", "on me before pulling off on a side street. that", "was my first and only real mistake throughout the", "entire encounter. the reason why he had pulled me", "over initially was because i had an out license", "tag light. the cop approached car all", "apprehensive due to my shakiness from knowing i", "was fucked and my not pulling over soon enough. i", "explained to him what we were doing and offered", "him everything illegal i had in my car and", "informed him of the 2 knives i keep in my car as", "well, noting their locations so they wouldn't be", "alarmed or caught off guard. a second cop ends up", "showing up and giving him back up, he's more of", "the stereotypical \"good cop\" to the first tight", "asses' \"bad cop.\" he helps calm us down and helps", "explain that we're just dumb kids (we're both 20)", "and that as long as we aren't doing worse drugs", "like meth, blow, crack, pcp, etc., that we should", "just keep our petty drug use to our houses, not", "our cars. after a relatively brief stop of an", "hour and a half, the cops let my friend phil and", "i off. both of us have court appearances and i", "got a $120 ticket, but other than that we have no", "other repercussions that will or could jeopardize", "our schooling or potential professional careers.", "we're still waiting for the court appearances,", "but neither of our families will need to see or", "know about this; the cops assured us both that", "neither of us would have to worry about", "misdemeanors or anything as long as we accepted", "our consequences in front of a city judge (he", "charged me with a city ordinance violation) and", "our testimony matches the police report.", "**so today was just a dumb fucking deja vu kind", "of day:**", "it's absolutely stupid how certain coincidences", "like this can happen. it's 2am now on and i'm", "with my friend, patrick, and his friends. after a", "long night of smoking pot and hookah, patrick's", "friend, jake, needs a ride home. i didn't bring", "my wallet with me today for odd forsaken reason", "prior to going to patrick's house; i have a copy", "of my license and registration in my glove box,", "so i don't worry about being pulled over without", "my license. anyway, patrick offers to drive, so i", "ride shotgun and jake rides kurt cobain. after", "all the smoking we did, you'd think we'd be", "chimney-ed out or something, right? nope. we had", "a bowl with us in the car, but you see this", "wasn't our problem; no, quite the contrary. it's", "my friend patrick's little coke habit that was", "the primary concern of tonight's adventure. just", "by coincidence, we're smoking a bowl on a road", "not terribly far away from where i was pulled", "over in the past with phil. what i wasn't told", "prior to patrick driving us, was that he had been", "doing lines throughout the night whenever he'd go", "to the bathroom. he told me that after we were", "driving away from tonight. so we're mid hit when", "we see a cop pull out behind us, doesn't have his", "lights on, but slowly proceeds to turn his", "headlights and flashers on. why does patrick get", "pulled over, you ask? his tag light is out.", "**just my luck** we're all dank smelling and got", "pulled over out of coincidence. just because i'm", "lucky, it turns out the same exact cops that", "pulled me over before, captain hardass and his", "friend lieutenant bro. patrick, being a little", "strung out, gives them attitude and acts up like", "a fucking retard when the cops come over and lies", "about the bowl we had and whatever else he had in", "his car (regardless of whether he knew it was", "there or not). after a lengthy argument with the", "officer due to patrick's big mouth, all of us are", "detained and the cops claimed patrick was going", "to be definitely arrested for having drugs on", "him, dui, etc. jake, unbeknownst to patrick and", "myself, has coke on him and doesn't say anything", "until after we had pulled away; he also had a", "roach in his lap/pocket too (he got busted for", "this though). due to patrick's behavior, he was", "singled out by the cops and they knew he was high", "on coke and trees. after a long search of his", "car, lots of sprinkles of coke were found in his", "car by the search. after some time of being", "detained and them asking questions, the cops ask", "me if i have my wallet/identification and i tell", "them both no. they haven't recognized me yet at", "this point though and are mainly focused on jake", "and patrick. jake was honest and the cops took a", "liking to him (or so we thought). i gave the cops", "a coherent, yet smart ass response back when they", "asked if i was sober initially, so lieutenant bro", "was venomous at the beginning of our encounter.", "they finally recognize me, and ask me why i", "didn't have my license and if i was fine enough", "to drive since i didn't have anything on me. i", "naturally say i'm fine enough to drive (the", "adrenaline had snapped me into sobriety) and they", "believe me. i don't have my license and they", "pulled me over before, but since i was honest", "before, they let me slide entirely this time and", "told me i was to drive off in my friends car to", "drop off jake. after all of patrick's fuss, he", "only received a ticket and the equivalent to what", "i received for my previous run in with those 2", "cops, but with the bonus of a more hefty fine.", "jake received a ticket for the roach, and i got", "off without anything at all. i'm unbelievably", "blessed and lucky for what happened.", "edit: grammar" ]

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[ "like i said this was years ago but i was just", "talking about this story last night and i thought", "i'd share it here.", "i was 14 and was hanging out with a friend", "walking around the woods behind our neighborhood.", "we came across a 2x4 and were trying to figure", "out what stupid thing we could do with it. we", "came across this 4x4 raised sewer drain and", "decided that we could catapult stuff off it using", "the sweet board we found. it started off", "innocent enough with rocks and we were getting", "some really good distance with it when i spotted", "a toad. i tell him to put it on and i'm going to", "send that baby packing. i jump on the board and", "send that sucker flying through the air. my", "friend laughing about how far it went says he", "wants to launch one too, because he knows he cant", "shoot it farther then i did. and this is when", "karma decides to play it's little game.", "we find another frog and place it on the board.", "my friend is standing on the drain with his back", "turned to me waiting for me to tell him to go.", "well as you all know frogs jump and after i", "placed him on the board he hops off. i tell my", "friend to \"hold on\" and bend down to pick him up", "to put it back on. well in his desire to do it", "he here's me say hold and assumes i'm saying go", "and jumps as high as he can landing on the board.", "the 2x4 comes flying up and crashes into my", "skull. it hit between my eye and my temple. one", "inch lower and it would have hit me in my right", "eye and one inch higher and i would have probably", "been killed. i immediately throw both hands up", "to my head cupping around my eye. i pull both", "hands down to see if i'm bleeding a little only", "to see a pool of blood in my hands. i rip my my", "white shirt off and get my mom to take me to the", "hospital, which is where i learned about how", "lucky the placement of the injury was. by the", "time we got there my white shirt had been", "completely stained red. 10 stitches later and i", "realized that catapulting frogs is not the best", "idea." ]

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[ "so, here i am, on my way to catch the train home", "from my university campus. i live on campus but i", "work on sundays in my home town. i spend fifteen", "minutes getting ready to leave and decide that,", "since i have a little time, i should go to", "starbucks and grab a coffee. upon entering i see", "the extremely attractive counter worker (let's", "just call him matt) making coffees. in my jittery", "excited state i walk up to the counter and order", "my cup of coffee and a slice of pumpkin bread", "from the employee taking orders. the employee", "taking the orders tells matt to get my pumpkin", "bread, to which he replies \"no\". i giggle as he", "gets the bread. he looks up and says \"oh, but if", "it's for jazziedax, of course.\" with his super", "gorgeous smile. now normally i wouldn't be fazed", "by this type of over enthusiastic counter", "service, but i haven't seen this guy since last", "semester and didn't give the employee taking", "orders my name. not to mention that last semester", "he commented on \"how on earth i could be single\"", "and such multiple times. so obviously, giggly me", "gets all flustered and flirts back with him,", "trying to keep cool under the gaze of his", "adorable hipster glasses.", "i see my drink finished and i giggle and smile", "saying \"well, i'll see you around, maybe we could", "get coffee some time\" to which he replies", "\"definitely\" with a hair flip. i melt, in my", "silly 20 year old way and fumble my head phones", "into position, knocking my bow out of my hair. i", "stumble to pick it up and head out the door. half", "way to the train station i realize i should", "probably print some papers before my train. i", "reach into my pocket to grab my keys to my dorm", "room and realize they're not there. so, i turn", "around and trudge back to the coffee shop and try", "my best to ask if i left my keys on the counter", "in the most adorable way possible. matt just", "stares at me with a blank face and says \"yeah,", "well umm, you didn't leave them here...\" i turn", "red faced, bow still askew, looking like a", "flustered idiot and mumble something along the", "lines of \"oh i must have left them in the car\" (i", "don't have a car on campus) and walk out the", "door.", "now, pissed off that i dropped my keys somewhere", "i trudge back to my dorm and call my room mate to", "ask her to let me into the building so i can wait", "for the next train. upon telling her the whole", "story she informs me that matt is not only", "gay.... but has a long term boyfriend." ]

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[ "this actually happened last friday but i had no", "internet access.", "first of all, i'm not american, and my first", "language is not english.", "i was in a bachelor party with a big group of", "friends (18 of us) in a cruise ship. a long time", "ago, the groom went scuba diving and got sunburnt", "like a racoon, so we nicknamed him like that, the", "racoon (in english). as with many nicknames, the", "racoon evolved to be just \"coon\".", "so there we were, 18 of us in a cruise ship with", "50% of black people, all wearing tshirts with the", "word coon in capital letters all across the", "chest. we are all white. i noticed first, when i", "was drunk as hell and left the ship's night club", "and got approached by two enormous black dudes", "who asked me \"what's with the t-shirt?\". i", "proceeded to explain about the racoon. they", "believed, we all laughed and proceeded to be", "topless for the rest of the night." ]

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[ "so on halloween we had a fake graveyard with funny", "names/sayings on them like anna rexic and etc. it", "took a little while to set up but it came out", "pretty nice. the day after halloween i decided to", "leave them in my lawn, as i didn't feel like", "putting them away and it looked nice and i", "figured why bother. this continued for the past", "couple of days as i was extraordinarily lazy.", "fast forward to today.", "my neighbor across the street was a nice older", "man. he was around 80 years old and had lived in", "that house for as long as i could remember. he", "would yell at us for playing street hockey, but", "only because he was always taking care of his", "bed-ridden wife of around 50 years, and she was", "sensitive to sounds. we always respected him and", "did whatever he needed us to do. he still gave", "out candy on halloween, but you could tell he", "wasn't looking very good as of late.", "if you hadn't figured out already, i have to", "talk about my neighbor in the past tense, as he", "died early this morning. it was pretty sad. he", "fell down and died, pretty gruesomely. he broke", "his neck and his arm he used to brace his fall", "ended up being ripped to shreds, as his skin was", "so weak from his age. a very scarring event.", "as i was leaving the house this morning, i felt a", "pretty strong wind, so i decided to go back", "inside to get a windbreaker. when i went back", "outside i began walking to my car, but i noticed", "something on my old neighbor's front lawn.", "curious, i wondered over. the closer i got to the", "object the more my heart started to race. i pick", "it up and i could not believe what i saw. it was", "one of my tombstones that got blown over to his", "house by the wind. not just any tombstone", "however. the tombstone that ended up on his lawn", "was that of humpty dumpty, with the phrase \"i was", "pushed!\" i was horrified. i quickly picked up the", "tombstone and brought it back to my house. now i", "believe the reason he left his house was to pick", "the decoration up off of his lawn, which lead to", "him falling. the irony, the horror. today i", "fucked up." ]

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[ "**background**: my mother in law is crazy. she has", "no regard for anyone else. she is completely", "selfish and is an alcoholic. i know this, so i do", "everything i can to not provoke her. everything", "that happens to her, she complains about to", "everyone she knows and she lies about everything.", "unfortunately, my husband and i live with her", "while we get back on our feet.", "i bring lunch to work with me because while at", "work i am not allowed to leave the property. most", "nights i remember to make a lunch, but sometimes", "i forget or run out of time. so i have a big box", "of hot pockets that i keep in the freezer for a", "last minute grab while i'm out the door. i don't", "eat them during the day and my husband won't eat", "them.", "**the story**: last week i house sat for the", "neighbors. when i came home i find that the box", "of hot pockets isn't in the freezer anymore and", "there is a single hot pocket sitting in there.", "when i left there was at least half a box. at", "this point i'm frustrated, but happy that i", "caught it before it was too late. i had time to", "go to the store to get a new box. i wanted to", "tell my mother in law (let's call her alice) that", "i don't want her eating the hot pockets without", "asking first, or at the very least replacing", "them. most of all though, i want to know that", "she's eating them so that way i know when to get", "more for work. so i had to find the least", "threatening way to convey this to her without her", "freaking out.", "so, the next time i saw her in passing (we have", "opposite work/sleep schedules) i asked in the", "most polite way i could, \"oh alice, i was curious", "if you've eaten any of the hot pockets?\" her", "response started out proud but then ended in a", "question, \"yeah, i had two, or three?\" she stood", "there for a second and then asked \"why?\"", "at this point i knew that i had already messed up", "but it's already happened so i have to finish", "this. so i just got really quiet and acted a", "little bummed and said, \"well, i just take those", "to work.\"", "at this point she gets very defensive and snaps", "at me saying that she'll go to the store and", "replace them. i start apologising and thanking", "her for making the trip. she then leaves and goes", "to the store while i go into my room and text my", "husband that i fucked up. she comes back, slams", "the door and starts stomping through the house", "yelling at me. \"there cak3isyummy, i paid you", "back your hot pockets and then one! now maybe you", "can pick up your garbage off my floor!\"", "i stay in my room and just try to not cry. i know", "that a storm is coming and i just hope that it", "will blow over soon. i go to my husband's work", "for dinner and tell him the story of what", "happened. i then go to work for the night. well", "he gets home and within an hour of being there,", "she calls him out to yell at him about me.", "she tells him how great she is (she lets us live", "here, she lets us pay rent next month because we", "can't afford it this month, she barley charges us", "for bills etc.) and then goes into how ungrateful", "and disrespectful i am, that i \"chewed\" her out", "and how she's \"this close to-\" (she cuts herself", "off there and he figures she was going to end", "that sentence with kicking us [or me] out). she", "then goes into how it's only a couple of dollars", "and that i shouldn't get so upset about it. he", "tells her not to worry because we will move out", "this month (he started looking for places right", "before she called him out) and she gets offended", "and says that we don't have to move and blah", "blah, you know the courtesy argument you're", "supposed to make in that scenario. anyways now we", "are looking to move out, and we can't really", "afford it right now. so now we're going to spend", "our time at my mom's house and his cousin's", "house, just so we can get away from her. i", "haven't seen her since they had that", "conversation, and i'm going to do everything i", "can to not see her again or as little as", "possible. this whole situation is so stressful", "and i don't even know where to go from here.", "edit: if you want to know another story of her", "being crazy i posted about some [petty revenge]", "(http://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/1p", "kxr8/now_you_have_to_restart_the_dryer/)", "i got on her." ]

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[ "my boyfriend and i moved to our very own first lat", "together, we were thrilled.", "unfortunately the sofa-bed turned out to be a", "single, as there were some religious holidays it", "took us five days to get in touch with the", "landlords who announced that we couldn't swap it", "as it had been used, but they could probably", "arrange us a double bed instead.", "now, the flat is tiny, a double bed would pretty", "much fill up the entire room, so we declined and", "said we'd get our own sofa if they could rid us", "of this one when we needed it to go.", "we decided to get a futon online, argos was", "offering a nice discount and a garanteed delivery", "time of two working days. the website refused to", "accept my bank details, afer several tries, we", "decided to just walk into their store next door,", "knowing we'd lose our internet rebate, but hoping", "we'd still get a fast delivery: no go, we lost", "both, they offered a delivery two and a hal weeks", "later.", "not thrilled, but it was necessary so we took it.", "a week later, i appear to have completely", "forgotten the dates, and lost the receipt for the", "couch, so i arrange for the soa-bed to be taken", "out, as we're getting the futon tomorrow, right?", "right?", "no, we don't, the receipt decided to come back", "after the soa-bed was taken away: delivery on the", "20th of june.", "i have essentially forced us from a slightly", "uncomfortable bed onto the cold hard floor,", "because no matter how many blankets i have, the", "floor is super hard." ]

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[ "this actually happened a few years back in a", "college biology class but ever since i was a bit", "younger ive had a talent for being able to", "rapidly drink liquids. one of my friends knowing", "this about me decides to challenge me one day in", "class. i agree knowing i can drink this 20 oz of", "water in roughly 3 seconds. what i didn't know", "until about 45 min later is that the water i did", "indeed drink in around 3 seconds had half a", "bottle of eye drops in it.", "i would never wish what happened for the next 12", "hours on any person. violent throwing up,", "explosive diarrhea, and the worst headache of my", "life.", "i got the kid back a year later while camping but", "thats a whole other story." ]

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[ "background: i work in the it department of a", "moderatley large company whose business depends", "on a particular website being up.", "so i am not a server admin. i am a helpdesk", "jockey. but for some reason the server admin guy", "thought i was ready to take charge of the", "production deployment (after making me a", "screencap video of him doing the process, and", "about 20 minutes of explanation), mostly so he", "can be on vacation without being hassled.", "this process should have taken about an hour or", "so, but after 2 hours, and no results, i needed", "help. it was about 11 pm, and i thought i was", "done. i finished up my work, updated the", "necessary documents, and sent the 'go ahead'", "email. i got a response saying the site is down.", "i confirm. i check what i did. i check the", "directories in all the production environments.", "i can't figure it out. by 1:45 am, i doze off,", "spooning my computer. i get a call at 5:30 from", "the cio, freaking out about the website. oh my", "god. i finally get rescued by another it guru at", "work. but now i have to wait and see what", "trouble i'm in." ]

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[ "so last week i got my paycheck from my job and", "then proceeded to deposit it using an electronic", "deposit app for my bank on my phone. the deposit", "went through the next day but said it was on a 7", "day hold. i tried calling my bank, but they said", "they couldn't lift the hold. i explained that i", "had bills to pay that couldn't wait a week. i", "asked if i could just take the check and cash it", "elsewhere since the check technically hadn't", "deposited yet. the customer service", "representative said yes but i'd be charged a fee", "once the hold was lifted. seeing as one of my", "bills had already charged my account, throwing me", "into a negative balance, i decided i'd rather put", "up with that fee than end up paying multiple", "overdraft fees. so i went and cashed the check,", "payed my bills and went about my own business for", "a week. i woke up this morning and decided to", "check my balance to see how in debt i was, but to", "my surprise i had there was nearly $200. at first", "i was like, \"hey, money!\" but a few hours later", "the thought that this money had to have come from", "somewhere occurred." ]

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[ "i'm taking a culinary class in school, because i", "absolutely suck at cooking. so we learned a lot", "of basics, stuff we already know, blah blah", "blah... and we made apple scones awhile back, and", "all was good. then, the teacher assigned us to", "make our own version of the scones, with our own", "added twist.", "we've all had those maple-bacon donuts, right?", "maple frosting with bacon bits on top. delicious!", "so we try to make a copy of that in scone form.", "so, our kitchen group is cooking, all is well,", "then i look over. what the hell, casey? he", "plopped all of an entire package of bacon into", "the batter. we only have 5 minutes to finish up", "the batter... so screw this. we leave the bacon", "inside, and cook it.", "fast forward a day, and everyone is taste testing", "their scones. when they get to ours, well,", "everyone just starts gagging and coughing,", "spitting etc. then, one girl just starts crying.", "she cried. they were that bad.", "i just hope i passed the lab!" ]

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[ "i'm not actually sure if this was today or", "yesterday, as i have no idea what time this", "happened. anyway.", "i got drunk before i went to bed last night, one", "of my favorite shows (american horror story)", "started its new season and i saw that as a reason", "to celebrate (who am i kidding? i'm an", "alcoholic.), so i went to the store and got some", "drinks and got shitty, then passed out. at least", "i was *in bed*. i did manage to take all of my", "clothes off before i passed out, i don't sleep", "very well if i'm clothed. i woke up some unknown", "amount of time later and *desperately* needed to", "go pee, so i just hop out of bed and right around", "the corner to the bathroom. i live with my so,", "and it's just the two of us, so i didn't worry", "about things like getting a robe on or shutting", "the bathroom door. i also didn't put on my", "glasses. i feel like i should mention that i'm", "almost legally blind, so if it's more than about", "8 inches in front of my face it's very unlikely", "that i'll even be able to tell what said object", "might be. **but**, i know my house, so i just", "stumble around the corner blindly and sit on the", "pot. i see a figure in my living room, crouched", "down on the floor (or maybe a midget?), and i", "slur, \"what'rrrre you doinnng babe?\" and then i", "hear, \"playing video games... and ____ and _____", "are here.\" oh my fucking god that's not my so", "that i'm staring at while i'm naked and taking a", "piss!! slammed the door and damn near started to", "cry, finished peeing, grabbed a robe and ran back", "to our bedroom with the hot face of shame.", "didn't get much sleep, i feel like such an idiot." ]

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[ "i'll try and keep this as short as possible. i", "work for a digital agency and i write a lot of", "online content, blog posts etc. i like to add a", "bit of humour to some of my posts and earlier", "today i'd written something about the most", "popular dishes in the uk.", "anyway, time came to submit the post and to to", "keep in with the humour i thought \"i know what,", "i'll bung a meme into the post.\" not just any old", "meme, a fat person meme.", "as i've got the search page open on google with", "fat people memes galore, the really fat guy in", "the office walked past my desk, scowled at me and", "carried on his merry way. i thought \"phew, that", "was a close call.\" just went about my day, happy", "as larry until ten minutes ago when i got an", "email from the guy who sits near the chap i", "offended saying \"expect a nice little chat with", "hr tomorrow.\" i'm currently cacking my pants." ]

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[ "so my dads been growing these chilli's. we like in", "the uk and to my understanding hotter chilli's", "grow in hotter climates. so i just ripped off a", "medium sized one, about half a thumb and shoved", "it in my mouth biting bits off as i go. then", "after about 5-10 seconds it got hot, and hotter", "until my lips and throat were burning so much i", "ran into the kitchen, and drunk a whole pint of", "milk. during that time i decided to snort out a", "huge ass bogey, in which i thought it would be a", "good idea to pick out. my nose now stings like my", "lips did. then before doing all this i realised i", "needed the toilet and the urge to go came back.", "so without learning my lesson first time i decide", "to not wash my hands and pee. im sitting here", "writing this in deep uncomfort." ]

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[ "this morning my dad asked me to help him with his", "lawn, killing weeds and shit. he handed me a", "spray bottle of weed killer and said \"just spray", "all the weeds.\"", "the whole back lawn has weed here and there so i", "thought, \"why not just spray the whole lawn.\"", "after about an hour of going over about 80% of", "the lawn with weed killer, he walked out and", "asked what i was doing. i told him that i went", "over the whole lawn. he flipped a chair and", "walked back inside and into his room. an hour", "passed and he came out. calmly explained to me", "that weed killer kills grass too. he mowed the", "lawn before hand too, so the fact that he did it", "all for nothing made him a teeny bit angrier." ]

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[ "alright, keep in mind that my family and i are", "hispanic. we live in a middle class all white", "neighborhood. so we were at blockbuster (tragic,", "i know), we get out of the car and go to rent our", "movie. little did we know, some idiot had the", "same car as us, parked it right next to us, and", "left it unlocked. once we rented our movie, my", "dad goes to unlock the car. we hear the locks", "unlock and we go in. my dad goes \"why does it", "smell so clean?\" and then it hits us like a pile", "of scented roses... we are in the wrong car. the", "guy who owns the car we were currently in comes", "out, and his eyes got as wide as dinner plates.", "he sees us, two dark skinned, hispanics in his", "car, i have my hood pulled up and i was crouching", "down to see where my nintendo ds lite had gone...", "so to him it looked like i was searching the car", "for something. my dad is in the drivers seat,", "keys in the ignition, ready to back out... the", "guy flips his shit, he grabs his phone and tells", "us \"don't hurt me, i'll give you whatever you", "want!\" (cliche right)? and he dials the police,", "and like 5 minutes later, they arrive. the guy", "tells the cops that we were trying to steal his", "car. my dad is in handcuffs at this point and i'm", "standing there trying to explain what happened.", "long story short, i told the policemen that we", "mean no harm, that we live near by, we were", "renting a movie and coincidentally enough... a", "man with the same car, and the exact same color,", "pulls up next to us, and leaves the door", "unlocked. i told them to let my father hand me", "the car keys, i lead them to the car, go unlock", "it and tell them that this is the car that", "belongs to us. and that we were not, under any", "circumstances trying to steal a car. lucky for", "us, everything got straightened out and we were", "not arrested. the guy apologized for jumping the", "gun so quickly, he said he did it because he was", "scared and the cops apologized for putting my dad", "in handcuffs. on the bright side the policemen", "gave us a coupon book for arctic circle." ]

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[ "this happened 3 months ago, but i still can't undo", "the damage. my wife's friend \"jan\" came to stay", "with us for a week, essentially using our home as", "a staging area to visit all her old friends. she", "is quite attractive (but not as hot as my wife)", "and frequently was gone for hours at a time.", "naturally, this had me constantly thinking about", "sneaking into her room and looking for the goods.", "well, i kept my shit together like an adult and", "didn't succumb to my desire. i was \"good\" until", "she left her door cracked one day and the dog", "went rummaging for me. when i was suspicious of", "why only one dog was watching me eat, i", "discovered him nosing through her pile of dirty", "(but folded) clothes. there they were. a", "beautiful pair of practical cotton panties just", "inches from my nose.", "so i did it and it was amazing. by far the", "sweetest, best smelling pair i have ever had the", "pleasure of sampling. the euphoria swept over me", "and the urge for more increased. only one other", "pair was in plain sight, so i decided to see if", "the first pair was a fluke. nope, these were", "just as sweet, and triggered some really strong", "sexual urges. i got control of myself, but", "everything back the way i found it, and went back", "downstairs.", "the next day, i was still panty crazed, but i", "decided to go to the next best thing, my wife's.", "every other time i had smelled them, they got my", "motor running in a big way. not this time. i", "felt disgust when i smelled my wife's. fast", "forward to today and my wife's panties still", "smell gross to me and i can't stop thinking about", "\"jan\". it is fucking ridiculous, just two whiffs", "of her has destroyed one of my favorite past", "times. no more quick sniffs for me (unless \"jan\"", "comes to visit again)." ]

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[ "so a little bit of backstory:\ni'm 16 by the way.", "i am a gamer so naturally i have some servers", "running in my office. i'm only at this house", "every other month so i need to be able to monitor", "some servers that i have in the office. i'm also", "a cheap person so my only way to monitor said", "servers is to use a old android phone i had", "laying around and use that as an ip camera. i", "forgot about this and as it turns out, this phone", "has been on since june of 2012.", "this phone sat in a little office organizer", "and just stayed plugged in, always watching.", "earlier this year i had to move the servers to a", "different building so that my sister can stay", "here when she got back from college. i bet you", "see whats gonna happen. the servers got moved out", "but i forgot about the camera and stopped logging", "in to check it because i really didn't need to", "now that the servers were in my room.", "my sister came home for the holidays and the", "office became her room. no big deal. today i was", "sitting in my room and guess what! my mom started", "yelling at me from down stairs. oh shit..... i go", "down and there they are at the kitchen table.", "they just lost it. my mom is pretty god damn", "religious and so is my sister. apparently when my", "sister got home she saw the phone, on a camera", "app, and absolutely flipped her shit. i think my", "mom disowned me during the yell fest. i tried to", "explain that it was for servers but because the", "room got rearranged, it was pointed right to the", "center of the room and apparently she has changed", "in there many times. they automatically assumed i", "was spying on her because i'm a horny teenager.", "so now i'm in my room, my dads on the way from", "work and i have to figure out a way to explain", "that i'm not a peeper. my mom is downstairs", "crying to my relatives for some reason and my", "sister is probably telling all her friends about", "what a little perv i am. not looking forward to", "the next few hours." ]

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[ "actually, several months ago i fucked up. this is", "how it all went down.", "over the summer, i was suffering from a pretty", "bad bout of constipation. having tried everything", "else, i put on my shorts, tank top and sneakers", "and decided i'd go for a nice long run to", "dislodge the blockage. reddit's many stories of", "people shitting during exercise were encouraging.", "however, since it had been such a long time since", "i'd last shit, i figured i could make it home.", "the road loops around my house in a four-mile", "circle and i've run it many times before without", "incident. it also passes by the house of a boy i", "was friends with as a young kid, but since had a", "few fights with and generally stopped talking to.", "i made it through the first mile and a half or", "two miles without any incident, but then i", "realized that my master plan was working all too", "well. exactly halfway from home, there was no way", "on earth i was going to be able to make it. after", "breaking a sweat that had nothing to do with the", "heat, i tried walking, but that only made it", "worse.", "finally i decided to suck it up and go to that", "old friend's house. i was going to ask to use", "their bathroom. his mother had never stopped", "liking me and i was certain that if only she", "answered the door, she'd understand. now in full", "panic mode, i waddled up the front path and rang", "the doorbell.", "nothing. ah, fuck. well, they did like to sleep", "in and it was early afternoon, so i rang again.", "and again. still nothing. at that point i knew", "there was nothing to do but answer the call of", "nature in nature itself. i made my way around the", "back of the house, now thoroughly sweating, and", "looked for some place to do the deed.", "a big stretch of woods was about fifty feet from", "the back of the house but i knew i would never,", "ever make it. the yard was fairly wide open, but", "the neighbors' cars were gone so i figured no one", "was home there either. i was still afraid of", "doing it right in the middle of the yard but felt", "i had no choice. i was just getting a grip on the", "waistband of my shorts when i saw the huge", "hedge/bush by the side of the house.", "my friend's grandfather had hollowed out the", "inside to make a playhouse for me and his", "grandson when we were younger, and i knew that", "they kept up with it because i'd seen him", "trimming it on previous runs. i dove into the", "bush, dropped my pants, and did the deed.", "it was amazing, aside from having to crouch very", "low and getting a few twigs stuck in my ponytail.", "i regret nothing.", "i pulled my pants back up, made sure the coast", "was clear and finished my run. i haven't spoken", "to him since then, but i always feel a little", "guilty running by." ]

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[ "when i wen't over to my friends apartment to do a", "project, i went over to his kitchen thingy to", "mooch off some food. i open some cabinets and", "find some gummies in a bag and start eating them", "after finishing the large bag of gummies i", "started to feel like my stomach was about to", "explode. looking at the bag i realized they were", "vitamin fiber supplements. i mustve taken a 18", "hour shit-time because now i have a giant red", "ring on my ass.." ]

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[ "well reddit thought you could use a laugh at my", "stupidity for the last few days, there is a girl", "i really like and care for we shall call her", "nikki since she is a redditor also, but i shall", "take you from the start of my fucks up with", "nikki, she asked me to describe my perfect girl", "so i described the complete opposite of her (i", "did not like her at this point in time), so she", "holds that one against me for the rest of the", "time we have known each other. the next fuck up", "was slight i told her to loose weight because i", "am an inconsiderate asshole, but she eventually", "forgave me for this one (i think). so time moves", "on we become closer, and now i joined the navy,", "and she is all sorts of pissed off, at the fact", "of i am leaving her, as she fell for me a little", "by little; but then i get her flowers on a day", "she is visiting her boyfriend so once again my", "hope to make things better ends up in the trash.", "finally we come to today were we don't talk quiet", "as much as we used to, and when we do talk, my", "stupid ass brings of a topic and vents to her", "about a half naked women roaming my house,", "needless to say nikki is extremely pissed at me", "and wants nothing to do with me, i think i", "completely fucked my chances up, and after i post", "this if she reads it, that will be a fuck up but", "hell i've already dug and and laying in my grave", "so what can i loose right?" ]

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[ "so i work as a level 1 it help desk/computer", "repairs technician for a small company. my boss", "is a woman in her early 40's, and she was having", "router troubles at home. no problem, i can stop", "over on my way home, fix her router up in 10", "minutes and earn some brownie points.", "i arrive at the house, ring the doorbell, and", "wait. keep in mind, this is an expensive house in", "the rich part of town. these are the sort of", "people who have more money than i'll ever earn", "and are extremely proud of it. typical rich", "bastards, but having them on your side comes in", "handy more often than not.", "20 seconds later an old man answers the door. he", "looks about 65.", "me: \"oh hi, you must be carol's... dad?\" <-", "mistake #1 what a moron", "him: \"husband.\"", "his face looked like i just ripped a massive fart", "an inch from his nose. he must have been", "wondering who the hell i was.", "me: \"oh, umm... well. you look a lot older than", "carol.\" <- can i get any dumber?", "him: \"can i help you boy?\"", "i then explain to him why i'm there, and he lets", "me in. i get to work on the router, when my", "friend calls my cell and wants to talk. i start", "chatting away, assuming the husband is still in", "the kitchen, when i say: \"yeah i'm just at my", "boss's house fixing the internet for her", "pedophile husband.\"", "pedophile husband walks in.\n\nhim: \"excuse me?\"", "i immediately go bright red and hang up on my", "friend.", "me: \"oh um, the internet's fixed, let me know if", "you have any more issues, thanks!\"", "and i practically sprint out the door." ]

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[ "so this happened a few hours ago, and after", "looking back on it realized how dumb this was. so", "to put a little setting, was on my girlfriend's", "bed, about to receive head (or whatever else you", "want to call 3rd base). being the mature shit i", "am, i saw a sealed bottle of vanilla coca-cola", "next to her bed, and that my flies were undone.", "obviously, i *had* to do it.", "so when gf comes back in, she looks at me, sighs,", "laughs, and goes along with it. after a bit of", "'penis' touching, she decided to open the cap.", "this is when we both found out it had been", "shaken, a lot. within a few seconds, both my", "girlfriend and i, along with her bed, some of her", "clothes and a large portion of the floor were", "covered in vanilla coke. after looking at me for", "a few seconds, she just started raging on about", "how long it would take to clean up." ]

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[ "my dad grew up as a poor black kid in a shit part", "of the bronx ny, and self-emancipated himself at", "a very young age. he had an abusive stepfather", "and wasn't interested in keeping any family ties.", "several decades later after a tour in vietnam and", "having a family with 3 (bi-racial, i'm very light", "skinned) kids he received a surprise visit from", "his sister (i was about 8 at the time, she bought", "me a sega genesis - greatest aunt ever). now this", "sister is the unpredictable one, she loves to", "fuck with people. my dad owned a small business", "and she came in, posing as a customer, and was", "flirting with him, asking all kinds of questions", "- really playing it up. it was a great surprise", "for him and they were both extremely happy to", "reconnect.", "so flash-forward almost 19 years, and i receive a", "phone call from my aunt - she's in town on", "business and would love to get together! she's", "only here for two days, and will be running", "around town, so our plans are not concrete..", "\"i'll see you when i see you...\"", "alright, so i work in a small boutique branding", "and web-dev firm. we are strictly by appointment", "only, and we maybe get a few random walk-ins a", "year. it's also important to note that i work in", "a predominantly white area, so maybe 1 in 10 of", "those walk-ins will be black people.", "today, while waiting to hear back about when we", "will connect, there's a knock on our office door.", "my aunt! she looks about her age and height, who", "else could it possibly be? i open the door: \"long", "time no see! how are you??\" **huge, loving", "embrace**. i spark up a typical conversation you", "might have with someone you haven't seen since", "your childhood, and she's asking me some odd", "questions vaguely related to what we do in the", "office, i give her some pointers and continue on", "with the conversation. at this point something", "seems terribly wrong, she's withdrawn and a", "little freaked out. i realize i may have made a", "terrible mistake, but wait - this is the aunt", "that loves to mess with us, this must all be an", "elaborate ruse..", "me: \"can i ask you an odd question?\"", "her: \"uh, sure.\"", "me: \"i always have the hardest time pronouncing", "your name, how do you say it properly\"", "her: \"vanessa\" (not my aunts name)\"", "me: \"okay okay, are you my aunt [aunt's name]?\"", "her: \"what? no, i am not your aunt.. what kind of", "question is that?\"", "me: \"[aunt's name], are you fucking with me right", "now?\"", "her: *laughs* \"oh no, i'm not fucking with you.\"", "me: *awkwardly opens the door and looks outside", "to see if my aunt is hiding out there*", "yeah, definitely not her. she laughed it off, and", "thanked me for the hug.. better than it could", "have been but god damn i'm so embarrassed i could", "die. i think she went along with it because she", "was afraid she knew me but forgot who i was." ]

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[ "i'm still a bit off, but i was traumatized by the", "visual of what happened for most of the day.", "i work with my brother in a small commercial", "warehouse off of a relatively busy street", "(commercial area, lots of trucks, pickups, cars).", "our warehouse is one of about 10-- two parallel", "buildings of ~5 with a parking lot in between, a", "fence at the far end, and direct access to the", "street. the neighbor at the far end of the lot,", "david, has an automotive repair business which", "has a lot attached. small lot, fits about 4 or 5", "cars. david also has an awesome white bull", "terrier he keeps at the shop named mohawk.", "mohawk is always pretty dirty, but still super", "friendly. as most pent up dogs would, he loves", "to chase a tennis ball.", "i threw the ball around a bit, towards the", "entrance of the parking lot. david, my brother,", "and i were chatting, so i was only half paying", "attention to throwing the grungy, busted-up", "tennis ball. as we all start to go back in to", "get back to work, i stupidly decide it would be", "fun to throw the ball as hard as i could. i just", "did not think it through.", "half a second after i'd thrown the ball i started", "to connect the dots. i chased and yelled at", "mohawk, but he was in a dead sprint. as soon as", "he hit the road, i saw a large white box truck", "speed in from the left. the driver slammed on", "his brakes immediately, and i must admit he was", "really on point, but there simply was no way.", "there was the shortest of yelp, almost drowned", "out by the truck's screeching tires. it was only", "a split second, but i watched as mohawk tumbled", "underneath the truck. he did multiple barrel", "rolls before he was dragged out of view to the", "right, where the truck shuddered to a stop.", "the entire event seemed unreal, but honestly it", "was exactly what i imagined would happen a moment", "before it actually did. picture the scene from", "bride of chucky where the character backs into", "traffic and is creamed by the semi truck. my", "heart sank, and i realized i had made one of", "those massively big mistakes that you can't fix,", "is completely terrible, and will lead to some", "serious problems. i'm not sure how we would have", "coexisted as neighbors after that. and i love", "dogs! i play with mohawk every day, and he's", "really opened up since the t-shirt business", "brought their big black lab, negra, to play and", "flirt with him (mohawk still has his pelotas).", "he's always cooped up, so he's super pumped to", "run or chase anything at all. mohawk runs balls", "out each and every time- til the pads on his feet", "bleed, according to david. but now all i could", "think about was a big smear of blood under the", "truck.", "no more than a second had passed after the truck", "stopped when, like a bolt of lightning, the grey", "beast comes sprinting back. as i watched with", "wide-eyed amazement, mohawk streaks past and into", "the lot at the end. at this point i was a bit", "stunned by my emotional roller coaster ride. i", "ran out to the street to check on the truck and", "driver, who was fine and didn't even give me any", "grief. i then jogged back to david's shop to see", "if mohawk actually was alright. i've been on a", "house marathon, so my imagination ran wild with", "how mohawk might end up dying from this trauma.", "kidneys always seem to be the first to go.", "i tentatively went back to check on mohawk.", "everyone else was already back there - about five", "people in total. he seemed to be alright, but he", "was cowering and cut up. his hind leg trembled,", "and it seemed to hurt when prodded. other than", "that he was fine. i apologized a million times", "to david, though i also knew that i was extremely", "lucky. i couldn't think of any other way it", "could have turned out better. david was upset,", "and i knew well enough to leave him alone for a", "while.", "i decided to head off and get something nice for", "mohawk as well as david. i'd read here on reddit", "just the other day about being able to buy side", "orders of meat at chipotle for cheap. i gunned", "it over to chipotle and ordered some steak. i", "live in a college town so i figured it was likely", "someone else had already tested out the", "side-order trick. $2.35, not too shabby.", "afterwards i swung by the liquor store and picked", "up a twelve pack of tecate's, as they seem to be", "david's favorite.", "tomorrow will tell how mohawk truly fared.", "apparently this is not mohawk's first encounter", "with a vehicle. he was run over by a volvo a", "couple years back, breaking three ribs and a leg.", "he still has an indentation from the tire. he", "is one hell of a pooch, and i'm glad he's alive.", "edit: i'll post pics of mohawk tomorrow if", "anyone cares" ]

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[ "my cat dusty, is a indoor outdoor cat. for", "whatever reason, when you try to pet him while", "hes relaxing outside he'll run way from you into", "bushes or something. i tried to pet him and he", "ran into a little strip of trees that separate", "the (busy) road from our house. i thought little", "of it because i assumed he had enough sense to", "stay away from the cars.", "i went away to the skate park for some fun. when", "i got home some guy came over to cut up a giant", "tree that had fallen on our lawn. he went to the", "tree and came back a few minutes later and asked", "us if we *had* a cat. fuck. dusty's leg was", "ripped off and he bled out behind the tree a few", "feet from our front door. i guess he got hit by a", "car. i wish i hadn't tried to pet him, and i", "don't think i'll tell my family i tried to. he", "had 4 leisurely years on this earth." ]

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[ "i guess by the title of this post, most people", "would just use their common sense and realize it", "was a mistake.. not me, i was in a poop covered", "rage and couldn't think clearly.", "let me tell you how it all went down.", "my dog tends to chew things. usually things that", "i love, shoes, movies, exercise equipment. so to", "combat this i put him in a kennel while i am at", "work. it's not cruel, it's a very large kennel", "and he has tons of room, he can walk around", "stretch out ect.", "i came home from work, literally an hour and a", "half ago and unlocked the door to be hit right in", "the face with the sickest fucking smell i've ever", "smelt. it was super hot out today as well, at", "least 28 celcius and it made it so much worse.", "like walking into a wall of pure, hot shit. and", "not just regular shit here, liquid, frothy shit.", "the entire bottom of his kennel is shit. and he's", "just standing there, covered in his own poop and", "wagging his tail. after spending a full on minute", "cursing i work up the nerve to move the cage, i", "figure if i can open up the sliding doors onto my", "deck and shove the kennel across the kitchen i", "can set the dog out straight into the yard. so i", "get a move on and this is when it's starting to", "get bad, the poop is splooshing out over the", "sides of the cage and leaving a long, yellow", "trail all the way to the door. other than that i", "manage to get him out without too much trouble.", "now it's the kennels turn and it just barely fits", "through the door, so here i am awkwardly shoving", "this nightmare through my sliding door and onto", "my deck.", "this is where it gets interesting. the sun is", "beating down on me as i try to reach my garden", "hose over to the kennel. it will not reach, i", "have to get the kennel down the steps and onto", "the lawn to hose it off.", "i begin sliding the kennel across the deck and it", "starts catching on the wooden boards, everytime", "it catches it splashes a little poop wave up and", "onto my shoes. by this point i don't even care,", "i'm just shoving it along as hard as i can and by", "the time i reach the stairs i am in pure rage", "mode. so i shove it, hard. the bottom of the", "kennel slides out and rockets dog shit down the", "stairs, all over the stairs and all over the", "cement and grass below. and the hose, does. not.", "reach.", "the worst part of the whole thing is that once i", "finally get the cage picked up and over to the", "hose i look up and my neighbor ( who totally", "fucking hates me) is standing there smiling,", "implying she just watched the whole thing." ]

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[ "so today in class we are watching some video about", "a viola player, when a nervous looking girl comes", "in. our school is doing a fundraiser for starving", "children. so she starts her presentation with a", "badly made video and everything is going fine.", "so then pictures of starving children start being", "shown. everyone is soaked in and focused on this", "video. no one is talking. i turn and see", "everyones eyes glued on the horrific images.", "then, a picture of an african baby being held up", "by hands comes up. you cant see who is holding", "it, just the hands.", "\"he's being buttfucked by a monkey\" says my", "friend next to me.", "i lost it, i have no clue why i did, but i did.", "its awful. everyone near me was cringing and they", "looked pissed. i was literally in tears.", "**" ]

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[ "so i have a really hot massage therapist. don't", "get me wrong, i wouldn't keep going to her if she", "weren't really good and skilled at what she does,", "but i also happen to think that she's really", "freaking gorgeous.", "as a *result* of her being hot and my getting", "massages from her, i always got a healthy chub", "every time i went. i figured since the rest of my", "body was getting a stretch, rubdown, etc, it", "wouldn't kill me to flex my dick muscle a little,", "just to make sure that it felt all stretched out", "and all during my massage. you know, because", "**i'm a fucking idiot.**", "this week, i decided to see how visible my chub", "was when i flexed my dick muscle from underneath", "the blanket(i don't know what the fuck it's", "called and i know that one of you knows out there", "on reddit so feel perfectly free to correct my", "stupid ass). i looked at my dick while it was", "covered by the massage blanket and started", "flexing that good ol' muscle again. **holy fuck", "my massive erection was visible as fuck.** it", "looked like a costco hot dog flailing around,", "wondering when *it* was gonna get rubbed down.", "now, i've been seeing this girl every other week", "for 4-5 months. she gives an hour for 30 dollars", "and i tip her 20 every time. i've never said", "anything sexually suggestive and have *never*", "dreamed of trying anything physical with her in", "the middle of a session. it probably doesn't hurt", "that i'm not terribly painful to look at and that", "i follow all her advice on how to stretch", "properly and all. but those extra tips feel much", "more deserved knowing that she's had to deal with", "my bullshit boners all these months.", "i *want* to say that it was a positive thing", "because she calls me to ask if i need a massage", "and all, or just from the way she looks at me,", "but i'm sure it's just me trying to fool myself", "into not feeling as awkward about it." ]

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[ "my laptop was in the hands of a more", "technologically savvy friend after an unfortunate", "virus and my roommate was using his own laptop. i", "really needed to check my email. so i figured i", "would ask him if i could use his laptop. he said", "yes and let me use it. i pressed ctrl+t to open a", "new tab, but accidentally pressed ctrl+shift+t", "instead, opening the recently closed tab. it", "was... yeah... let's just say i learned way too", "much about what kind of porn he was into." ]

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[ "i currently work in a it-consultant firm where we", "use skype as our main form of communication.", "today i took my laptop to work, since i wanted to", "watch some netflix during my break. instead of", "using my work computer i used my personal. so", "after my break, i sit down to do some more work,", "when my manager asks if i can participate in", "conference call with my boss and some of the", "upper management, i tell him that i'm on my", "personal computer, but can add me by using my", "name as username.", "so a couple of minutes after i get the invite and", "i accept. so far everything is fine, when", "suddenly one of the guys from upper management", "(not the one who invited to the call), says \"who", "the fuck is titler?\". that's when it hit me, i", "really fucked up. i forgot that i have that silly", "displayname and a pretty fucked up", "[picture](http://imgur.com/4ij4knk) to accompany", "it (nsfw).", "so now my boss is kinda pissed, and hr possibly", "wants to talk with me soonish.", "edit: update posted", "[here!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sm", "r5a/tifu_update_titlers_kampf_mit_hr/)", "edit 2: tifu of the week! thanks for the support", "and the nazi jokes." ]

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[ "today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for", "exams, i decided to take my sleeping medicine", "(restoril) at 11 am. after i slept for a little", "while, my body must have decided to wander around", "the fraternity house and accept whatever everyone", "was doing. the rest of this is what i have", "learned from my friends. i ended up smoking a", "few bowls (i never smoke) and going to mcdonalds", "with a buddy. apparently while i was on the way", "to mcdonalds i was convinced my parents were with", "us and i had to make sure they got out of the", "car. they weren't at all. they live 3 hours away.", "my buddy that was with me live tweeted the", "events that happened on the way and he insists", "that everything is true. after i ordered, i", "attempted to order a drink again. not once, but", "three times. then after i had a large drink i", "got mad at the manager for not allowing \"little", "people\" the rights to ordering large drinks. (i", "don't remember going to mcdonalds at all). he", "also said that on the way back home i crafted a", "plan that included hula-hoops and my scholarship", "money to get the answers to one of my exams.", "being an engineer, i also insisted that the force", "of a human in front of a car was no where near", "the force of the car and calculated the equations", "based on pascal-cars (low friction engineering", "toys for those who don't know). i finally got", "back to my room and my girlfriend came over.", "apparently she gave me head (which i don't", "remember) and then we had sex later on. luckily i", "remember the last part. i then went back to", "sleep, and finally woke up again at mid-night to", "go and pull another all nighter." ]

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[ "well today started off like any normal day for a", "teenager. wake up, go to school, come home. but", "when i got home no one else was home, which is", "unusual because at least one of my brothers are", "home or my parents will sometimes make it home", "before me. my two brothers were working and my", "parents got a flat tire on the way home from work", "( they work together.) so since i was home alone", "i took advantage and played music loud, played", "video games and ate junk food. lastly i showered", "and did a little manscaping and then i had the", "brilliant idea of shaving my ass. don't ask why", "because i don't have a reason. i'm wtfing about", "it too. and just a few minutes ago i meant to", "text my friend about it to get a laugh but my", "crushes contact was right under his and accident", "sent it to her." ]

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[ "i've been skulking this subreddit for quite some", "time now, and i never thought that i would one", "day post something here, let alone a disgusting", "story. but here i am, and here goes.", "so school is starting here while the rest of the", "world is about to start their summer vacations.", "yesterday was my first night at the university", "after a two-month vacation that felt like a", "fucking eternity. what else was there for a", "college guy to do? bring on the booze! beer,", "whiskey, some sort of cheap mojito mix, anything", "goes!", "as i started to get fucking drunk as shit, i", "began to lose my sense of everything. i remember", "getting home to our boarding house. i remember", "not being able to walk straight. i remember going", "to bed, trying to get some sleep. i remember", "pulling myself out of bed because i needed to", "puke. i remember puking on our sink. i remember", "deciding that i need to take a piss. i remember", "going to our (common) bathroom (third world.", "that's just how it is.). that's all the i", "remembers that i can muster.", "now for the fuck up part.", "i woke up 8 in the morning today, with the worst", "hangovers of my current existence (and yes, my", "hangover lasted for almost 13 hours, maybe even", "more). except i wasn't on my bed. *i was on the", "bathroom floor, only my shirt on, shit on the", "toilet, shit on the floor.*", "i felt that i should be bewildered, but my", "splitting headache just couldn't let me gather up", "enough", "what-the-fuck-why-am-i-half-naked-surrounded-by-m", "y-own-shit", "feelings, so i did what i had to do. i put on my", "pants (which was in the bathroom), flushed the", "toilet, and cleaned up the rest that was on the", "floor. getting rid of the evidence. i went out of", "the bathroom, glad that no one saw me, and to our", "empty room to get some more sleep.", "such was not exactly the case.", "as i was about to get back to bed, i saw", "something out of the ordinary. *why the hell are", "there spots of puke on my bed?* great. icing on", "the shit cake. fml.", "and so goes the story of the worst hangover of my", "existence." ]

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[ "i wasn't full after my small dinner, so over the", "course of a few minutes i ate 15 or 20 fiber", "gummies (amounting to 7-10 servings). over the", "course of 6 hours my stomach has painfully", "bloated and makes noises i've never heard before.", "my roommates have the joy of seeing me stand up", "and go to the bathroom over and over again.", "in the end i decided it would be best to just", "stay in the fetal position in the bathroom, ready", "to jump onto the toilet as soon as the bubbling", "force reached its peak.", "i'm posting this from the toilet now. i have work", "in 6 hours and i'm pretty confident i'll be", "calling in." ]

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[ "today i hung out with some friends, one of which", "was a newly acquainted (fairly attractive)", "fellow. the others were two good friends and a", "best friend. everything was cool, we were having", "fun. me being the socially awkward of the group,", "sat and played video games rather than talk and", "be a normal human.", "all was well and good... then it hit me, the two", "large cups of bojangles sweet tea that is. and of", "course, being the classiest of ladies, i got up", "to take a massive shit. went and found the", "bathroom and got down to business. turns out, it", "was more massive than i thought. my thoughts?", "\"shit, that's a lot of shit\". disregarding the", "copious amount of fecal matter, i flushed anyway.", "worst decision i have made in my life. and", "unsurprisingly, i clogged that bitch. frantically", "searching for a plunger and to no avail did i", "find one. not wanting to tell my friends what i", "had done and having them ridicule me, i", "improvised. the next best thing i could find was", "an empty toilet paper roll. next thing i new was", "that i was wrist deep in my own waste, hurriedly", "digging with my new found tool.", "good news? got the toilet unclogged without", "anyone knowing what happened. bad news? my hand", "to my forearm was coated in feces and urine." ]

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[ "ok so a little background first:", "i am the head of set construction/ running crew", "for my school's technical theater club. right now", "we are building the set for chicago:the musical.", "we have these things called \"flys\", which are", "weighted ropes that control bars running across", "the ceiling of the stage which we use to hang", "things from.", "back to the fuck up:", "there is a huge screen that the school usually", "uses for various assemblies as a projection", "screen for power points, presentations, etc.. we", "had to take the screen off to use the bar for our", "proscenium, or border surrounding the stage.", "anyways, we get to the rope and it is incredibly", "weighted, making it difficult to lower and nearly", "impossible to raise. it took 2 grown men plus 4", "high school students just to get it all the way", "to the ground. once we get the screen off,", "everyone else begins to attach the border to the", "bar. my genius self thinks \"oh, let me raise the", "bar to get it out of their way.\" so i walk over", "to the lock which is holding the bar in place,", "unlock it, grab hold of the rope, and immediately", "shoot 20 feet into the air. i am literally", "dangling 2 stories up on nothing but a rope. my", "friends rush over to help lower the rope i was", "hanging on and get me down safely, but my hand", "got wicked ropeburn from me gripping the rope so", "tightly:", "http://imgur.com/qtqczpc [1]" ]

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[ "alright, so earlier today i was eating some", "chocolate chips because i'm too lazy to buy", "chocolate from a store. anyway i eat about half", "the bag and leave it on my nightstand to go meet", "some friends. i came home about 3 hours later and", "see that the bag of chocolate is empty and on the", "floor. i pick it up and throw it away, thinking", "my brother ate them. after that i decided to get", "some water, and what do i see on the kitchen", "floor? i see brown liquid covering the entire", "floor. it smelled like someone died in there. as", "i run away, i notice my dog panting and", "whimpering. that was when i realized i had", "poisoned my dog. with a half bag of semi-sweet", "chocolate at that. i get my mom and told her what", "happened, she calls the vet and they say my dog", "will have to stay overnight, no problem, except", "that my dog spews vomit whenever you try to move", "her. so now i'm stuck with a house that smells", "like shit and my dog is keeping me awake. today i", "fucked up." ]

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[ "i'm enjoying a good ol' italian beef my mom cooked", "up, and being me, i like jalapenos and", "giardiniera and shit on my beef. fast forward 10", "minutes: i finish my fantastic meal of", "deliciousness when i get a nose itch. i decide to", "wipe my hands on my jeans and give it a quick", "deep scratch, as i was in my room and no one was", "watching. fuck up numero uno - i got jalapeno all", "up in my nose. now, this shit stung like a", "motherfucker. it felt as if the devil decided to", "go to town on my nose without buying it dinner", "first. i blew my nose practically 20 times to try", "to get the fiery demon out of my naval cavity,", "but to no avail. i needed something to cure this", "pain asap. fuck up numero dos - i squirted milk", "from a baby boodle into my nose to cure the pain.", "the pain did not cease! it merely got worse! its", "30 minutes later now, and my milky-fire-snots", "have not stopped!", "edit - spelling, but fuck it. naval, anal,", "boodle, poodle - you got the idea" ]

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