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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to driver embarassed?

A cop pulls over three elderly woman.. The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?" Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15" The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now" Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me" The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?" Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about predictive text with me?

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with rock jazz?

What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about remarrying ex with me?

Seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife... But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves todd cute.

My friends say one of us is gay. I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with werewolf aware?

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf? A un-aware wolf

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around uranium common should do the trick.

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet.... The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal - gold, silver, platinum - you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say..." the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves disgraceful disgusting?

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary... ...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to comma hit?

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…” – and then it hit me.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves breakfast bed.

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to aliens?

Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth. After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans. "These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!" "Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses." Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them". The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive. This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos. The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way. They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved. They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time. "What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others." "It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien. "Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it." "What?" Asked the second Alien. "It's Dave!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around onions loved should do the trick.

I cried when my dad chopped onions. I loved Onions , he was a good dog.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to president guilty?

Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent

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What's a funny joke that relates to baby corn?

What did baby corn say to momma corn? where is popcorn?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves size willy?

Hold him, he need some attention. Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too. Herb looked Jill in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My willy is the same size as a newborn, I hope you can deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size willy." Jill and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Jill off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Jill put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your willy was the size of a newborn infant!" "Yes, it is…7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 17 inches long."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about whales ireland?

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.  So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”  One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”  So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”  That’s about as far as I remember.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves talking genders?

Talking about Genders is a lot like the World Trade centers. There were 2 of them now it's a sensitive subject.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about engineer god?

Three engineers are discussing God... They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer." The second engineer shakes his head and answers, "God is clearly an electrical engineer. All the things you just mentioned wouldn't even be possible without the electrical impulses sent along our nerves to tell our muscles what to do. Electricity causes our hearts to beat, our brains to function. The mere fact that we can sit here and use our minds to form words to talk clearly means God's an electrical engineer." The third engineer shrugs languidly and says, "I've always figured God to be a civil engineer." The other two look at each other in astonishment, then back at the third, demanding to know what he's on about. The third engineer smiles and says, "Well, who else would run a liquid waste disposal pipeline through such a great recreational area?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to 11 conspiracy? Do you have one?

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself. One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!" God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it." His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about depicted sexual. Do you have any good ones?

Lunch At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple? 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about son robot that you could tell me?

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about ellen pao?

What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao [This Post was Removed]

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves house cards.

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves smell tesla?

What do you call the new car smell in a Tesla? Elon's Musk

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves helen keller?

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater... ...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to parrot carrot?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to pepper spray?

For some reason I always cry during sex. I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around bike asked should do the trick.

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. “Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first. The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'” The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to deers?

Two deers walk out of a gay bar One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to richard genetics that you could tell me?

Why is Dick short for Richard? Genetics, I guess

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around emotional wedding?

It was such an emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to castle hooker?

How does a castle hooker describe her job? I work most knights

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to virgin?

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date. The grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family." Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it. "It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about siding blonde?

Two blondes working on a construction site... Two blondes were working on a construction site. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over her shoulder or nail it into the siding. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding." The second blonde was outraged. She yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about patrolman happened with me?

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around vasectomy wont should do the trick.

I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids... Just got back home and they are still here...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to muslim phone? Do you have one?

How do you blow up a Muslim's phone? Put it on airplane mode.

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Can you share a joke that involves complaining migraines?

you have a very nice house A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it." Two weeks later, the patient tells doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with dr pepper?

Why does dr pepper come in a bottle Because his wife died

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about soulmate chiromancer?

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?" Chiromancer: "Never." Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm." Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to spine alignment?

I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around currency asian?

Currency trading I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120. a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105. a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135. the guy said to me in an annoyed voice " why one week $120, then $105, then $135! - why the difference?!!?" I says to him "fluctuations" He responds "fluck you white people"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around bar lowers should do the trick.

Trump walks into a bar and lowers it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with lightning follows?

If lightning always follows the path of least resistance Why doesn't it only strike in France?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves hitler heart?

What gave Hitler a heart attack? Seeing his gas bill

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How about a joke related to avoid clickbait? Do you have one?

How to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves past car.

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close. I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about god engineer. Do you have any good ones?

If God were an engineer... 3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?" The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!" The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical! The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to stepped duck. Do you have one?

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck. 3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to super saiyans. Do you have one?

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb. Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves feet trunk.

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

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What's a funny joke that relates to dictionary?

I just read through six pages in the dictionary.... I learned next to nothing...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to dell?

My computer just said hello to me. I think it's A Dell.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about fired keyboard that you could tell me?

So I was fired from the keyboard factory today... Boss told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to nudist colony?

Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time. The most popular woman? The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to fish breakdance that you could tell me?

I had a Fish That could breakdance, on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about idiot weatherman. Do you have any good ones?

A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings... The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to priest girlfriend?

Three couples are trying to get married. Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about light diarrhea?

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea? Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about drinks bartender that you could tell me?

The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates... The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to judgemental?

So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about threw harbor with me?

Hey England, you know what oday is? “Where’s the T?” “We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around guy blowjob should do the trick.

A girl is about to give a black guy a blowjob But before she takes off the guy's pants, she looks at his bulge and asks him: "Is what people say about black guys true?" "Yes." He answers Then he stabs her and steals her TV.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to gun cashier. Do you have one?

Went and got my first gun yesterday Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about shotgun husband with me?

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about moral story?

Two buddies are walking through the forest One is Jewish and the other is Czechoslovakian. Suddenly, a bear jumps out at them and eats the Czechosolovakian. The Jewish guy runs to town to get help. He find a hunter, who says that if they hurry there is still a chance to cut open the bear and get the man out alive, but if they can't get to him fast enough he will die. They track the bear back to its den, where they find not one but two bears, a male and a female. The hunter says, "Quick, which bear was it?There's just enough time to save him if we get the right one." The Jew says the male bear, so they kill it and cut it open, but lo- it was the wrong bear. So they kill the female bear and cut it open. They find the Czech inside, but sadly it's too late and he is already dead. The moral of the story is, never trust a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves bar removed.

Three reddit mods walk into a bar [Removed]

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Do you know any jokes related to rearrange alphabet?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U Cuz you’re blocking the TV

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about mod bartender. Do you have any good ones?

A man walks into the bar. He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter. "Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks. Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke now, my family left me and the bank is taking away my home. When I went to their office, they just handed me this stupid urn containing the ashes of the previous mod." Man: "Oh my God, this is pathetic. If only I could do something..." Suddenly an idea struck him. "Buddy, I've an idea. Just do what I say." The man asks the bartender for a bottle of Gin, Tequila and Vodka and adds some of each to the urn and shakes it. The mod and the bartender stare at him in absolute horror. Man: "Drink it." Mod: "WHAT?! NO!" Man: "If you drink this everything in your life will get sorted." The mod reluctantly drinks it. As soon as he finishes the drink he gets a call from his boss. The boss says he transferred the 4 months' pay to the mod's account with a little extra as a fine for late payment. The mod is astonised. Mod: "How the hell did you even do that?" Man: "It's simple. Mod earn problems require mod urn solutions."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to girlfriend wish?

I finally got myself a girlfriend! I wish I could post this in another subreddit...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves mom jokes?

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me." I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves trump xanax?

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? To prevent Hispanic attacks

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to catch cold? Do you have one?

Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around jesus born?

Why wasn't Jesus born in America? God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to smith snowstorm. Do you have one?

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves evacuated disaster.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about making breakfast with me?

If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you. Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about titanic kim. Do you have any good ones?

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian? The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with sky light?

I once installed a sky light in my apartment. Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to nurse testicles? Do you have one?

Man in hospital A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to dads coffin? Do you have one?

An old man is about to die. While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life. One week later the old man dies. At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying. The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying. Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves harriet tubman?

So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves horse grow.

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to sixth sense?

What does "The Sixth Sense" have in common with "Titanic"? Icy dead people.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about fetish urinating that you could tell me?

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit... Next week we're going to go on a date

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with unattractive girls?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... Girls would soon find me attractive

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with euripides professor?

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to jenner weight?

What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about drinking monkey that you could tell me?

[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident... A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well. Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!" *Reacting, the monkey puts his fingers to his mouth like he's smoking a joint.* Stunned, the Officer says, "You mean they were doing drugs?!" *The monkey critters rapidly and pretends to be drinking.* "They were drinking too?!" *Again, the monkey responds, this time thrusting his hips back and forths.* "THEY WERE HAVING SEX?!" "Well what the hell were you doing all this time?!" *The monkey imitates driving a car.*

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around close father?

I wasn’t very close to my father when he died... Which was good because he stepped on a landmine

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to pentagon pentagon?

When is a pentagon not a pentagon? When it's intercepted by a separate plane.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to latte canadian?

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to umbrella?

"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to prayed doctors? Do you have one?

Answered Prayer The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to personal trainer? Do you have one?

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit. I just handed in my too weak notice.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to loaf raisin?

A bakery owner hires a young, attractive female clerk ... ...who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and spots the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. Another young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided an excellent view, too. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves because he is having company for dinner. As the shapely clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and thinking she is going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with gay dinosaur?

What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to sculpture smashed?

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase... At the showcase, hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was really quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood. He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But, people either pushed him away or just ignored him. In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact. Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!" The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves told boyfriend.

Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to touched jesus?

Touched by Jesus Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes