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English | I can't do this Three months ago my cousin killed herself My mom died on the that just years old after years of struggling against her heart condition I don't believe in an afterlife I will never see them again The incredible amount of love I feel is towards people that no longer exist it is worthless It is meaningless they can no longer appreciate it they no longer exist I need help I don't know how to live through this and I don't know if I really want to at this point There is so much pain that death must be better I can distract myself momentarily while people are around but when I'm alone the demons come and I can't fight them off I can't sleep I can't sleep This is hell |
English | The death of someone else is triggering my suicidal urges recently there's been a death in my community someone who i sort of grew up with and didn't know personally as we grew older I just knew of them over time this person also happens to be my neighbor across the street this death has triggered my depression immensely and it feels like this person is beckoning me to join them in death i didn't even know them enough to call them a friend but it feels like my plans of killing myself are being pushed to a sooner date i don't know why I have this sudden urge I know that it will surely tear my loved ones apart but I always had a plan to not live past I'm currently and each day that passes is a day i just cant take life any more i don't see a future i don't see love in my future i don't see success in my future i don't see anything i don't know what to do with myself right now I'm just tired uninterested all the time I'm on medication I see a psychiatrist I feel like none of it is working and I can never escape this horrible dreadful feeling |
English | I've spent the last years living a lie and I just want to end it all Hey my name is Beau and I've never posted on here before, but I don't think I can keep all my pain I any more I feel like I should start much earlier than years ago so here I go When I was years old I was diagnosed with a brain tumor I spent years in and out of hospital I didn't even know what was happening all I knew was that my parents were letting these scary people in white jackets take me away and put me to sleep I would scream and scream at my parents while the doctors dragged me away I think this is where I first felt that I couldn't trust people and that I was completely alone I got better after that and went to a nice school it seemed like everything was fine I made some great friends I still know very well today, and I seemed to be adjusting well even though I joined school late Then I turned and everything fell apart again I got another brain tumor and this time I was older and wiser and so was more fearful than the time before I knew what was happening and I didn't want to die I won't go on about it again, but obviously I survived, but it left me with some complication My pituitary gland had been damaged by Chemotherapy, and so I couldn't go through purity unless I had the help of synthesized growth hormones which I had to inject into my stomach every night for about years They worked pretty well though I would never have grown an inch and I'd still be the height I was at years old but I m which is fine with me There was one problem though I felt that my head was quite a bit out of proportion with the rest of my body because the growth hormones I was given were only experimental I was bullied a lot at school for looking weird, and it hurt my confidence quite a bit, but I never spoke to anyone about it Then I went to college and got to re-invent myself, and it was great for about a year that then you realize you can't really change what you look like and even though everyone liked me I still got bullied by a few people but the thing that really bothered me was that none of the girls I liked wanted to go out with me Well I know that obviously not everyone is going to fall head over heels for you, but it actually feels a lot worse than being bullied because the people who are rejected you aren't bad people They're good people they don't bully you for how you look, but they understand the bullying and thus don't find you attractive for the same reasons the bullies bully you Now let s get to the title I've spent the last years living with a girl that I've been In love with for about of those years We've had an incredibly strange relationship We were never going out We never had sex We never kissed It s wasn't romantic for her But we did spend all day sometimes lying in bed hugging and kissing each other anywhere but the lips I was extremely confused because I told her I liked her, but she said she didn't want to ruin our friendship We've spent almost every day together for the last years I'm not a person any more I've lost my identity Fast forward to now She's decided she doesn't want to live with me anymore so she can go out with another guy One that she wants to be with he's taller stronger and hotter than me, You can read the jealousy in my writing, but she is my world and we've been together for so long that to me, she was my other half Now I'm alone I'm having to move back to my parent and I actually just want to kill myself The saddest thing is she doesn't even seem to miss me which lowers my self-esteem twofold I think the main reason I'm sad and she isn't is that I know that the time I spent with her even though she didn't love and never wanted to be intimate with me was still the best I could ever expect for myself I'll be alone now for the rest of my life, but she is beautiful and so will be fine She finds the things I gave her and more from her new boyfriend I don't know what to do should I just kill myself if the best time of my life is over now I need some advice from people who won't sugar coat it |
English | Please I beg you don't kill yourself just listen to my perspective of somebody who lost somebody in that way it has an effect a big one I lost a friend over the summer he hanged himself out of nowhere and I learned about his death in the early hours of the morning am to be exact probably around I was in my mom s bathroom since my front door wasn't closing all the way and because of that bugs were getting into my room and bathroom which was right next to the front door I used the restroom and washed my hands and checked my phone like a teen does before getting ready for bed and I went on the ole Snapchat app and started going through stories I knew something was wrong when all I saw was I can't believe this is happening RIP I knew what happened I knew exactly what happened, but I asked anyway my friend was dead earlier that night and his dad had given a statement on all of his socials letting everybody know that he had unfortunately passed away at the time we didn't know what happened as that information was not disclosed, but a lot of people suspected suicide well a few months ago I asked a friend of his who had looked at the police report, and it was hanging he killed himself my world stopped when I heard he was dead my world stopped when I knew for a fact he did it himself I remember both conversations and the entire night of getting the news in detail it shattered my world I lost him for real and I know that he felt how you guys do and I want nothing more than nobody to go through that it hurts more than anything I've ever felt before even when I had a migraine that lead me to the doctor's office since it felt like I had a bullet in my head it hurts even worse than that to know that his very last moments alive were spent by himself and miserable enough to not just tie the noose but use it the thought of his body dangling from the ceiling and his dad finding him to the phone call to that must ve happened afterward to the first responders coming into the house and taking him down to put him in a body bag and carry him away haunts me I think about what his dad must ve thought having to make that phone call and soon after out of the kindness of his heart let everybody know our friend was gone he spared our emotions by not telling us the details and I wish I had never asked for them, I don't want to think about him hanging there or how he got up to do it how he must ve felt going to do it and eventually doing it I have the entire scene in my head and I can't get it out, and I wish I never knew in the first place ignorance is truly blissful and I wish I still had it I often cry now when I walk through the hallways at school they feel empty even though they're full of people because I know he's not there any more like sure he was a year ahead of me and would ve graduated last year, but I know that it's not the reason he s gone he s gone because he s gone forever never going to college never growing up his legacy is simply frozen in his youth and that's so painful while typing this I'm sobbing my nose is running so much that I have snot dripping down and tears rushing with it because he s gone no matter how much I dream of him coming back or the one time I did have a real dream of him coming back and I hugged him so hard in that dream I buried my face in his shoulder and I cried and cried as he held me and when I woke up I cried alone it hurts to see the places we hung out the tree in front of the school the Dairy Queen the woods the mall the library the apartments he used to live in it all stings and my chest tightens and my eyes burn whenever I see any of it when I see rick and Morty or scenes from it or hear songs that we both liked or see guitars electric or acoustic or tie-dye or anybody that even slightly resembles him or hear his name attached to somebody else s identity I feel it crushing in on me that my friend is gone forever, and his last moments were spent suffering I want him back I want to rewind time and yank the rope from his hands and collapse beside him and cradle him and just scream at the top of my lungs that he s loved and that I love him and need him, and we all need him because everybody is still grieving months and months later it's so crazy that May is in four months and after July is right after then it'll be a full year when it feels like yesterday I was seeing that he was gone I've had the worst first year they say that's the year that hurts the first and I agree I thought about him during Christmas and I thought about him as I handed out the gifts I knitted for everybody because I knew I could never make him a beanie and I know he'd appreciate it if I did is he was still here I'd give up all I have if it meant having him back or at least saying a proper goodbye and giving him a hug and hearing him laugh just one more time or seeing a shy smile fuck I'd do anything grieving is horrible it feels like I just can't win no matter how at peace I am with the thought of my friends suicide it will always be that a suicide a friend that committed suicide it's the worst way you can lose somebody and I stand by that I know of two people who got murdered, and although I know there's a difference between being somebody s friend and simply knowing them but with those two I had somebody to blame somebody to hate and want revenge on but with suicide there is nobody to blame so you start to blame yourself with suicide you can't say they were so happy had a fulfilling life that ended too soon because you know it's not true you know they hated themselves so fucking much that they tied the noose and used it you know that they weren't happy they were miserable and you couldn't stop them before I knew it was suicide I blamed a person and told myself it was murder it made me feel better saying that because that way I could say that he was wronged and that justice and closure could be found I was sure of it but then when that information came out I couldn't get justice or closure or tell myself he was a happy person that was wronged I had to realize that he did this to himself because he hated himself so much that he tied the noose and used it I can't get the scene out of my head and I've came so close to relapsing because I want to escape seeing it when I close my eyes I just want to redo everything take back the one argument we had because he was so positive and kind that he would see your side of everything we only had one argument I wish I could take back every stupid thing I said around him and make it non-stupid I wish I could just have him back and if none of this can convince you he isn't the only one that committed there was another boy he was smart and musically talented, so I heard he shut himself in the head and died in the hospital before school when I got to school everybody was silent the entire school you could hear a pin drop from down the hall many people skipped especially those close to him some tried to come to school but then left halfway through because they couldn't take it when I got to my first class the entire room was sobbing the teacher and her assistant we got no work done because everybody was crying and asking why he did it and trying to kid themselves saying he hasn't died yet guys there's a chance he isn't dead he s in the hospital throughout the day there was just this veil throughout the entire city that reminded us that somebody had killed themselves so if you think nobody cares remember that the school I go to over kids I go to two schools to one is an alternative program where half the people are from a neighboring school which also has over and when we were at the alternative program the same thing silence muffled crying somebody needing to leave school that's over and more people distraught your death especially suicide always has an effect there is no such thing as nobody caring we do I did to my friend and to the boy who I never met my heart shattered for both of them even when I went on vacation and saw a body bag getting carried away a month after my friend s death and when I got to my family heard it was a suicide I cared about that stranger I wanted to go back in time and stop them too so please I beg you please don't end your life it's not the answer it's never an answer please please please get help I love you I care about you, I want you to stay if you can't live for you then live for us live for the ones you never thought cared because they do I promise you live for me live for the ones who couldn't do it for themselves please carry my friend s legacy and get better for him do what he couldn't and he is the success story do it for me if nothing else you've survived of your bad days and overcame everything in your life so far do it again it gets better I promise I was going to end my life in October of due to other reasons, but I stayed so that I could help people not take the path I almost did that night I stayed for him, I stayed for my friends even though I think they don't really care because I know it's just my suicidal brain telling me they don't I never want anybody to have to go through what I have endured because of my friend s suicide, so I stayed for you please stay for me |
English | I attempted today Going to keep this short found out my ex is engaged and drove me over the edge Cried for minutes then attempted will not describe the method and then called my good friends and told them They now put me on suicide watch didn't call the cops or anything I am a mess This is not the real me |
French | L'enfance a été un enfer que j'ai essayé de me suicider pendant des années Chaque fois que j'essaie d'avancer dans la vie, les gens autour de moi essaient juste de me démolir, j'ai des blessures permanentes à la mâchoire et je n'ai jamais rencontré quelqu'un qui a même essayé d'être là pour moi, je suppose que je poste ici dans le vain espoir de ne pas me sentir seul pendant un petit moment avant de me rendre dans un pays légal. |
French | Eh bien un autre soir TV SUCKS Obtenir des coups de Heparin dans votre estomac SUCKS et fait mal d'être coincé dans un lit d'hôpital suce Positifs parlé beaucoup à mon gardien rappelez-vous que je suis sur Suicide Watch comme nous nous sommes assis dans le salon de l'hôpital et a regardé dans le parc d'à côté. |
French | Est-ce que les personnes ayant une expérience vécue de tentatives de suicide font une différence pour les personnes suicidaires? En tant que personne ayant des idées et des tentatives antérieures, je sais que les personnes qui pourraient se rapporter à ma douleur m'ont aidé à me sentir moins seul et plus connecté. |
English | OK so I've come to just accept this is how it is I'm a drug addict who suffers with bipolar I'm a hard core substance abuser I clear my drug debts, and then I rack them straight back up I have nothing but a shitty finance car I have no job My mother does drugs with me, and she ends up paying all my drug debts Then her boyfriend comes on the weekend, and he pays for all the drugs the cycle never ends Then I'm ticking borrowing drugs and racking up debts When I'm sober my bipolar is out of control The mania is insane I'm on fluoxetine I'm not professionally diagnosed I've waiting for the psychiatric to diagnosis me Self diagnosing is not good But the doctor even says I am and has booked the referral But because of the fluoxetine I'm getting extremely manic My eyes get so dilated Like today I had to get rid of my cat because it kept shitting in my room Which it never uses to do I took it to a rescue place I was so manic I was singing to my cat Driving without a care Then when I said my goodbyes I put some music on and start doing manic rapping like a completely unhinged person Then I got home listened to podcasts WAS ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE The manic was gone I was lying face down on my bed Listening to the Magnus Archives Then I speak to my mom and I get drugs We do them I'm in and out driving back and forth to my dealer Getting drugs doing them in the kitchen Driving coked off my head back and forth Now I'm sitting here typing this My mom is paying one of my dealers debts off this Friday coming I feel like such a shit person I'm wrecking mine and my mothers' life She is an addict and so am I I take my little brother to school and I'm not the nicest of people He suffers with autism and ADHD and I lose my temper to the point I have to make him sit in the backseat and I have to wear ear defenders because he touches everything and says all things to make me tick It's just an endless cycle It all went down south ever since I met cocaine and lost my job because I got drug tested Ever since that I'm just a miserable piece of shit I m years old receding hairline I weigh pounds because I constantly binge-eat I'm a shell of a person and if I did have the courage to kill myself I would have definitely done it by now and you wouldn't be reading this I've tried walking through parks abandoned exploration seeing sights I recently got a dog Soon I plan to take her for walks when she's old enough She's a puppy All my family know I'm an unhinged bomb which could explode any minute My mom does everything for me, I could at least treat her better But mental health runs through my family It's like nothing gets through to each and one of us I have an auntie who is a narc and I used to live with my aunt and grandmother she forced me to get credit cards and I don't even live with her now I live with my mom She uses my credit cards I've never used the fucking card once She s brought sofas and fucking god knows what else But she does pay it off But that's not the point I had an argument with her the other day saying I want the cards paid and you to fuck off out my life My auntie took everything off her mom Her home Everything she ever worked for But that's another story I think about just slicing my arm sometimes deeply just not thinking about it and just thrashing it straight through I'll probably call the ambulance because then I would realize I don't want to die But these thoughts come and go Sometimes I just want to yank my steering wheel into a lamppost Not another driver that would be selfish But the lamppost can be fixed surely Sometimes I just want to go to a store where you buy all materials doors and kitchen appliances Just buy a rope and Google how to make a slipknot buy a bottle of vodka take all my antidepressants Obviously before setting up the rope Once I've taken all them tabs down that vodka furiously I know I'm going to die then So just fucking jump on that rope and end this nightmare That paragraph is my constant thoughts I've self harmed before But never majorly I headbutted a glass panel through before That was probably the worst thing I'm done I drank a whole bottle of Bacardi Boost Head through this glass panel Ear hanging off and head split open Glass in my head I have even rung a fucking taxi You should have seen the taxi drivers reaction Like me casually asking him to take me to the hospital I pay him the fair Arrive at the hospital Blood dripping all down me, I don't even have to book myself in or sit down and wait This was near beginning corona The nurse took me straight in I was highly intoxicated and was sarcastically making jokes about what happened I said someone bottled me because I didn't want to admit I'm done such a thing They stitched me up I have a scar now I'm just forehead and my hair is usually shaved So it's noticeable I got sent home I had no money I paid a random guy to take me home Got Took off my bandage and popped open a beer This is all purely venting I clearly don't want to die But I feel like I'm slowly reaching the inevitably of actually doing what my mind is telling me to do My life is like the lyrics of Hotel California You can book yourself out, but you can never leave |
French | Surdose d'alcool et de Klonopin Combien d'alcool et de comprimés de Klonopin devrais-je prendre pour surdosage Aussi sortir d'ici avec vos conneries édifiantes Je veux juste savoir la réponse à la question |
French | tre ouvert et planifier mes derniers jours L'apprentissage jumelé à des événements de la vie a vraiment pris un tournant t le pire pour moi, j'ai admis à ma mère ce matin que j'ai mentalement abandonné je l'ai dit dans ma salle de bain bf s je voulais lui avouer sur les médicaments anti-anxiété momiser ce matin et même graduel et lui dire mes peurs quand j'allais le lui dire. |
English | Time to die I guess don't even know where to start I don't even know what to say I have so many mental problems they all start to cloud into one but depression anxiety and Asperger s syndrome are the big I guess This unshakable empty feeling within myself it's always there and the only times it's not it s replaced by this horrible sadness It's all too much everything s too much No one really cares all the people I give a shit about don't What's the point I really have nothing no one I can't deal with it all What kinda year old boy should have to deal with all this I probably deserve it though I'm a piece of shit This has been such a shitshow of a post, but I just don't know what to say, and I have so many emotions so many emotions I can't cope with that's why I m going to end it all when I can |
English | I don't know what to write in the title so I will use keywords school life studies depression adulthood When I was in high school a physics teacher told me once in front of the whole class that people like me who only studied would end up going crazy I finished high school years ago, and I never forgot that but not because I agreed I didn't forget that because I thought it was ridiculous for him to say that I was raised in a system that told me that the more I studied and devoted myself to studies the more certain things would be for me Well after a few years in adulthood I clearly realize that I was wrong And today I started to think that maybe my teacher was right I'm really going crazy I am isolating myself I am practically without friends I only have two I have no desire to study or work, and my affective relationship is falling apart I feel like depression is taking over me and there are days like today that I don't know what else to do It gives me a sincere and deep desire to disappear it is not necessarily a desire to die but a desire to disappear Does anyone relate to this Does anyone else feel like a victim of this ridiculous school system that doesn't really prepare us for life |
English | Why That is the only question Why Why did our lives begin Why did I have to be the one sperm that made it to the egg Thinking about it as a sperm I probably killed many other cells just to reach my objective Thinking about it that way I'm an asshole Why am I a human Why not another animal like a fish which can live a mostly carefree life under the sea in it's beautiful reefs and all I hate myself I wish I could just die What purpose do we have in life All we do is live on a planet in a vast vast universe filled with countless other rocks like ours filled with countless stars and galaxies possibly countless other species of life I'll admit I have a goal I have something I want to do when I m done with high school But I don't do anything at all to try and achieve it I tell myself to study but I don't At this point I'm just scraping by in school I want to die I'm not afraid of death But I am afraid of the pain that comes with death I may have just rambled I'm sorry All I wanted to do was get some stuff off my mind |
French | J'ai besoin de quelqu'un avec qui parler, j'ai besoin de quelqu'un avec qui avoir une conversation. |
French | null |
French | L'inévitable je ne peux pas sous à ce Reddit ou je vais passer trop de temps à lire sur les autres pensées suicidaires et puis des dizaines de fois plus longtemps à penser à eux Quoi qu'il en soit je suis confortablement venu à la décision ma vie se terminera à mon propre faire Ce qui me dérange plutôt profondément est quand cette année demain ou la semaine prochaine Heureusement je n'ai pas eu un sentiment quand je sais que c'est aujourd'hui |
English | Im going to kill myself I've been thinking about it for years and now I know I'm going to i just don't know how I have a few ideas in mind but most of them are not pleasant I do not want to suffer if i don't have an alternative I'm just going to go through with my original plans but I need to know painless ways without guns need to know asap |
English | I don't know what happened don't know what to say right now My life just changed completely, and I can't handle it I've been receiving treatment for depression since I was a teenager Now I m and I've accomplished nothing I started working when I was Hard to quit when I was for my mental health Started college but quit halfway through my degree I was approved for social security disability shortly after that I don't leave my house unless it s to see my doctor I don't have any friends or acquaintances None Three years ago I realized how much my loneliness was affecting my life I posted on Reddit and ended up meeting a guy My life changed after meeting him We wanted the same things The same future We got along really well Ended up meeting in person a few months after talking Fell in love He broke up with me a week ago We're still in contact daily We still love each other He still wants me to work on improving my life and to see me doing well But he said he needs time to do some important things he needs to buy a car he wants to look into buying a home because he recently had a nightmare of a situation with his landlord He really is doing those things but I doubt that's the real reason for why this is ending I dated when I was a teenager and in my early s He was different from anyone I've been with before He made me feel so loved I was improving my life without even realizing it because he made me feel so great Before I met him I was showering once a month I wasn't in a good place The light that he brought into my life was just indescribable I was taking care of myself showering daily doing chores around both of our places going shopping going out to eat running errands everything that normal people do He made me want to be a better person My life was improving so much My doctor noticed my mom noticed He knew all about my mental health problems and the support he gave me was always perfect I just can't handle my emotions right now and I'm scared of where my thoughts are heading I've been miserable for over half of my life I had three years of pure happiness and it was suddenly taken away without warning I had no warning this was coming He was the only person in my life My whole support system It's not that I want to die because he broke up with me, It's so much more than that so many things I can't put into words I don't like where I'm heading, and I need help because I can feel myself losing my will to live every day I had everything taken away from me At least before I met him I had no idea what real happiness was I had no idea what I was missing Now it s gone, and I don't have the energy or will to try again I don't feel like I'm capable of handling this I feel stupid for having these thoughts I feel like I should be able to handle a mutual breakup because I'm an adult But this was so much more than a breakup He gave me so much strength to fight my depression and work on myself And now I'm left dealing with both depression and heartbreak and I know it's my own fault for putting so much trust in another person I need help I'm so close to giving up |
French | Tout ce que tu diras, nous le dirons comme si tu ne pouvais pas promulguer la personne si elle n'existait pas. |
English | Can tonight please be the night I die of a freak accident m tired of waiting and trying all these therapists psychiatrists medications etc. I'm tired of calling the suicide hotline only to be put in an even worse mood after I'm tired of having literally no one to be with physically I'm tired of longing for some kind of human compassion I'm tired of going outside when cops are out there on the off chance they'd stop to ask me questions just so someone talks to me, I'm tired of wanting to eat as a way to cope with my depression then feel too sick to eat any food given to me and end up wasting it I'm tired of feeling exhausted from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down because of no other reason than my medication although I have to take it to feel normal yet I still feel just as shitty maybe a little more numb I'm tired of trying and receiving fake happiness only for the sadness to come back shortly after I'm tired of being optimistic about everything especially when someone talks to me because I'm way too clingy and attach myself to someone who shows any kind compassion for me, I'm tired of being on the verge of crying but never actually being able to which results in all this shit building up and having no way to release it I'm fucking tired, and I want to fucking die already but don't have the fucking balls to kill myself |
French | null |
English | What do you do when you realize you are stuck, and you wasted your entire life Every night before work I realize how much I hate my life I can't change because I need the money but many times I feel like I would rather be homeless I get ridiculed and harassed at work while I carry their efficiency It is a small company and there is no HR department for me to express this to I make significantly more money here than I would at any other job that is easy to obtain I have wasted my life getting stuck at this place full of assholes I often wish I had a gun to know that I won't have to go to work the next day |
French | Après des mois d'aller chez mon médecin prendre plusieurs antidépresseurs différents counseling voir un psychiatre et juste attendre que quelque chose se produise Je sais que pour moi, il n'y a pas de sortir de ce que j'ai pensé à ce sujet pendant un certain temps Je suis prêt maintenant L'idée de mourir n'est pas effrayant pour moi maintenant, j'ai beaucoup de restes de pilules antidépresseurs parce que j'ai arrêté de les prendre J'ai beaucoup de différents types |
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English | Anyone know how to get cyanide pills All I can think about lately is suicide everyone in my life hates me I overheard my family talking about how much they can't wait to get rid of me My brother with anger issues has tried to kill me over and over again yet he's still their favorite I have no window because he threw a rock threw it Then proceeded to try to bash my head in with the same rock I want to tell the police, but my family said they'd kick me onto the streets if I did Is I end up on the streets I'd be stuck I have no money for an apartment And my parents take all my money because I owe it to them for feeding me though out my childhood I have no car to sleep in I have no friends to take me in either I feel like the only escape is suicide Apparently cyanide is painless and extremely effective It seems like an easier way out them living like this |
French | La voix dans ma tête n'est plus la mienne pense que j'avais l'habitude de le connaître mais je ne sais pas qui me parle maintenant Parfois il parle à travers ma bouche C'est juste que je sors un peu noir je me trouve conduire quelque part et je ne sais pas comment je suis arrivé là je ne sais plus il me dit de faire de mauvaises choses |
French | J'ai besoin de quelqu'un à qui parler de mon traumatisme S'il vous plaît, il agit à nouveau Je ne sais pas quoi faire Je me sens tellement mal d'être maltraité Parler aide, mais j'aimerais qu'il y ait une autre façon de surmonter cela |
French | null |
English | Don't scroll and read this because is for YOU If you re-reading this right now I want you to feel proud of yourself because with all this b going on with all the people that hate on you with all the drama and all the craziness that goes on in this world You're still living breathing and you're still killing it and most importantly you're still trying they're still trying to understand this whole world thing and you're not giving up so easy To give up, and it takes a really strong person not to give up if you re-reading right now I want you to know that things are going to fall into place You're going to find out who you are You're going to meet the love of your life You're going to find amazing friends who support you are going to find a career choice that you love, and you are going to be happy and you're going to find peace in yourself and in case nobody s told you over the last year or so you are amazing, and I am so proud of you for not giving up So keep pushing and keep trying because one day you're going to get the life that you deserve |
English | Parent Suicide Stuck in this feeling of hopelessness and dark hole parent suicide I loved my dad it was the closest relationship I had to someone in my life I'm years old and in my rd year at college I decided that going into this year I was going to stay in the city I go to college at because I love it and enjoy it Mid July I get a call from my little brother saying he's gone just screaming it My dad had been fully hospitalized in the past for depression but at the time of this occurrence he was just in partial My dad was missing for days before they found his body days of just not knowing and only having a sliver of hope to hold on to to find out he's dead The letter he left was brief and did not address anyone or anything it was sent scheduled email and based on everything of his I looked through he only had been planning a suicide for days Fast forward a month and a half and I'm through my rd week of school and after trying to be the man of the house and support my family emotionally I've hit the hole where I realize he's not there I myself have struggled with anxiety for years and depression for the last I have never been at a point in my life where the anxiety is so overwhelming I just can't concentrate and the depression is so dark I can't feel joy and am just going through the motions I have had thoughts of what would happen if I committed suicide but never planned or self harmed But these thoughts are just stuck in my head and I don't want them there and I understand that the grief and my dads action have pushed my depression here but even though I understand or think why I feel some way I'm still stuck, and the darker thoughts become more common every day The only thing keeping me from doing anything is seeing the effect my dads choice had on those around him and I could never do that to the people I love I just can't find a way to cope or just feel a little bit better I'm lucky to have great roommates that will listen but that just helps clean my mind while I talk but the thoughts come back as soon as I'm alone I just feel like I'm going to get stuck here I am psychotherapy and counseling once a week each and may be adding grief counseling I'm agnostic and grew up in Christian household and lost my faith because of how I saw my dad use religion to cope and as Marx says religion is the opium of the people |
English | Tips on how to cope up with the new normal setting ve been having a lot of mental breakdowns these last few months Can you give me tips on how you cope up or handle our present situation Wash your hands y all |
French | Jamais obtenir ce sentiment où vous voulez vous tuer, et vous êtes comme désespéré de le faire, mais vous avez tellement de choses à faire que vous êtes trop déprimé pour mourir, je me prépare à aller à l'université et je travaille aussi comme des emplois et j'ai perdu le seul emploi que je me suis jamais senti heureux de faire parce que ce n'est pas un bon travail, mais maintenant je suis prêt à aller à une autre école. |
English | It's Everywhere Ever since almost jumping out that window a few days ago all I can think about is ending it I don't know if it's the constant pain from the gashes on my thigh, but everywhere I look all I see is ways to end it Oncoming cars building roofs all of that just looks like another chance to me, It used to be the cutting would buy me time and take my mind off of it but now it's all I think of Even when I'm making a new slice I think of what would happen if I slit my throat instead I'm not sad or angry I don't know why I think about it all the time I just do I know I need help and I'm getting it but it's not really helping because I can't trace the root of my urges I m kind of approaching the end of my will power here |
English | Wasting money is my only real coping mechanism It isn't sustainable Even if the things I buy aren't that expensive it's just dumb trinkets that add up material things don't bring happiness but it's all i kind of care about |
French | Pensées sur la réincarnation et tout Après avoir lu sur les expériences de mort imminente et certaines perspectives spirituelles Je ne suis pas religieux Je pense que ma croyance est maintenant qu'il y a cet endroit inconditionnellement aimant où vous arrivez après votre mort et puis beaucoup d'âmes réalisent que tout est bien et que le suicide est maintenant nécessaire. |
English | I don't think I can go on I'm a year-old guy and I know some of you may be thinking that I'm just probably going through mood swings or whatever, but this has been going on for a long time My parents have been divorced for a long time, and it definitely has had a hard effect on me considering that the relationship between them now is quite hostile The reason I've been feeling this way is because of some recent events My sums abusive partner not my dad has finally left after years however it isn't what I thought it will be like Rather than me my sis and mum being more united we are arguing and fighting more than ever The financial situation hasn't been the best either with my mum running a business in which I have to work every weekend I do enjoy helping out but more and more Om lacking energy falling asleep in school etc. and I don't know how long I can keep up The endless arguments with my mum sometimes cause her to be violent and every time we do argue I feel like shit later and feel absolutely worthless I put up a fake attitude in school so that everyone thinks it's perfect at home and that I'm mean to people because I choose to be rather than me choosing to lash out because I can't hold it in any more Suicide has been something I've been really thinking about recently because it seems that everyone would be better off that way The reason I've posted here is that I don't think that I can actually talk to anyone about this None of my friends would believe it and I don't want to talk to my family about it because they would all think I'm like my dad who attempted suicide due to gambling when I was This may simply be the easiest way to talk about it |
English | Here's a long ramble filled post but I'd appreciate any insight or advice anyone could give Let me start with a question that I've been wondering for several years How do you tell loved ones that you constantly think of ending your life I'm a year old single male who dropped out of high school because I believed it wasn't worth my time still living with my parents working a dying minimum wage retail job I think about those facts every single day as soon as I wake up and as much as I want it all to change I never do anything to actually change any of it I understand that one day I'm either going to have to start actually taking care of my self or just end it For the longest time I've truly believed that I'm just a suicide waiting to happen but if there's another way out of this I'd gladly take it My depression started around age where I decided one day that life wasn't worth living and told myself that on my the birthday I'd buy a gun and just end everything then another reason I dropped out of high school When my the birthday finally came around I had been in a relationship for about years and I thought I'd be spending my entire life with this person so I held off on buying that gun But a few days before my the birthday we broke up but tried to remain friends We even planned on going out to dinner together on my birthday but they cancelled a few hours beforehand because they had to go into work but were actually in the process of moving in with another person who they were already dating I was devastated That night still my birthday I messaged them saying that I needed help they replied with You need to drop the act and stop pretending and I just went completely numb and wasn't thinking straight I grabbed some kind of computer wire and tied it as tightly as I could around my neck and just kind of accepted it and eventually passed out A few hours later I woke up on the floor with the wire loosened and I just sat on the floor for hours not even thinking about anything I haven't attempted anything since then but it's constantly on my mind I've cut myself since my depression started as well and still do to this day Started on my wrists but has since moved basically anywhere on my body I know it's not good but I find some kind of comfort from doing it I feel like everything s fine for a few days or weeks after I cut But then the depression comes back and it's like I need another fix of new scars almost like an addiction I've never been on any kind of prescription drugs but I do take painkillers almost daily usually just the normal amount of but some days I've taken up too just to feel okay I also take some anxiety pills that I get off of Amazon called Amazon Nutrition HTP Extra Strength and they seem to help but for the past month or so I haven't been taking them and I've felt the same as if I were still taking them Maybe they were placebo or maybe I'm not as messed up as I thought I don't know I've considered therapy before but I'm almost certain I wouldn't be able to afford it and asking for help feels impossible Sometimes I feel like if I went to therapy I'd just be complaining the entire time and that it'd be a waste of time and money I refuse to drink alcohol because I'm afraid if I get too intoxicated I won't be afraid to try and end things again Every time somebody asks me if I want to do anything with drinking I get interrogated about why and I just constantly tell them I don't drink and either diffuse the conversation or walk away I can't think of anything else to say If you've read this entire thing thank you for your time I know I need help but I don't know how else to ask for it, I know I need to change myself somehow If I don't then I'm certain of my fate Thanks again sorry for the long rambling post I just needed to get this information out to someone |
French | Où est l'amour que je vis dans ce monde et ce n'est pas comme vos imaginations Les livres que vous lisez ont peu de pertinence Les gens aiment s'en sortir, et ils le font relativement rapidement et sans réponse comme vous Et ainsi de suite Alors pourquoi ne pas mourir pourquoi essayer ce monde est en quelque sorte plus spécial que c'est en fait vide J'ai été seul pendant si longtemps et pour peu de raison Je ne m'approche pas de quelqu'un |
French | Comment gérer les rechutes Je peux espérer un jour et un autre jour tout espoir semble être vide de sens Il devient vraiment fatigant J'ai l'impression que je ne veux même pas être espoir plus Il n'y a rien à espérer pour rien à vivre pour Je ne veux pas une famille amis de l'argent Ce qui est divertissant J'allume juste la télévision et oublier ce que j'ai regardé le moment où il se termine Juste pour passer le temps Combien de temps puis-je durer comme ça |
English | How easy is it to purchase a gun in the US Let s say I want to buy a pistol, so I can blow my fucking head apart How difficult would it be to purchase this or how much of a process would this require |
French | Je suis tellement fatigué et fini avec cette merde, je ne peux pas prendre une décision qui sera bonne pour moi de quelque façon que je continue à me foutre parce que je n'ai pas d'autre choix que d'être malheureux, mais je suis malheureux, mais je suis plus jeune, j'ai pris des décisions basées sur l'idée que je serais mort, je continuerais à faire des choix de vie, je veux être plus jeune, je veux être plus jeune. |
English | I had a meeting for uni today I spent the hour I should have been there in the fetal position on the floor of a unisex bathroom stall I m in the uppermost floor of a library right now The main reason that's stopping me throwing myself down a few floors and landing neck first in the library s atrium is that I know students are studying down there and I'm not going to wreck their lives and grades through my selfishness I don't know how to do it suicide if I'm honest I know I'm useless at just about anything else a constant cavalcade of self sabotage but it still scares me The only way that seems easy is a fall call of the void and all that |
French | Je veux mourir mais je ne peux pas dire à qui que ce soit que je m'ouvre les poignets et que je saigne à mort Je pourrais le faire Je ne peux plus le supporter ici |
French | J'aimerais que quelqu'un me tue et me mette hors de ma misère ne s'est pas développé droit je suis déformé La vie ne vaut pas la peine de vivre de cette façon Je ne vois aucun intérêt à continuer sur La nature est cruelle et je suis trop faible pour survivre |
French | Je vais dire mon morceau dans un incendie de la peau des cheveux brûlants et des os le monde est en train de mourir, et nos valeurs de gouvernement papier encré et l'influence sur l'existence continue du fond je ne peux qu'espérer que parce que je suis jeune et aimé si je me tue d'une manière horrible et publique assez que les gens de ce pays exigeront mieux je vais me couper les bras et puis me brûler vif dans un espace public |
English | My friend who's a minor is being refused medication They are suffering from daily anxiety attacks and being overwhelmed This has made them extremely suicidal and their parents and grandparents are refusing to get them medication This is taking place in the US and I'd really appreciate it if I can get information on how to help them see a doctor Also I m in case that's important information |
French | L'homme toutes les petites choses continuent d'additionner Quand je dis peu, ils sont peu à la plupart mais plus grand pour moi Mais il additionne juste au-dessus de mon déjà hors de l'instabilité mentale de contrôle que j'ai été sur le dessus de mes médicaments mais j'ai juste l'air d'empirer je suis juste putain fatigué |
English | Why Stay I attempted to take my own life a few weeks ago and then spent over a week in the hospital trying to get mentally better I felt like I was making progress I felt like I was becoming more in tune with myself and feeling mentally prepared for life I am not happy with who I am or the mistakes I have made in the past so I have continued to go to therapy to try and change that to love myself But it's not working Nothing is Every time something goes wrong I just am right back at the giving up stage This weekend I made a mistake I made plans with two different people and had to bail on one of them I had a very tough decision to make due to my personal relationships with each of them and I picked one over the other I made a mistake The person I chose to hang out with never would have left my life or blamed me for this mistake yet the one I didn't pick did I found out today that he had to cut off all ties with me and it hurts me because of how much that person means to me, I don't have any more fight in me all I wanted to do is drive to my friend and beg for them to change their mind But I didn't I just let them give up Because I feel like I am giving up Losing this friend put me right back in the deep end I know it seems petty because I am leaving out a lot of details but whether this person is toxic or a decent person, and I am the toxic one is irrelevant my point is that I went right back to wanting to commit suicide If I have to live the rest of my life like this what's the point I don't have my parents support or love and now I have lost someone who I thought was going to help me get through that Once again I am lost alone and hopeless I know life could easily turn around and could be amazing I just really don't know if I can hold on I want to know what keeps you from giving up what motivates you to keep breathing and keep up hobbies Even when you re at your lowest and all you feel is tears behind your eyes and that feeling of hurt in your stomach what helps drive you to live another day |
English | Just make the pain stops after years of no luck with girls Getting nothing but rejection and being ignored After years of looking for someone on tinder bumble POF and nothing ever happening I finally connect with a girl who is everything I'm looking for She's nice polite easy to talk funny gorgeous and above all else totally into me For once all I had to do is be myself, and it was more than enough We texted each other constantly like we couldn't get enough of each other She had problems I helped her feel better about, and she made me feel like I was worth something After three weeks I think we are on the road to getting together and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend I've been waiting for something like this my whole life I m and girls have never shown any interest in me, It's like God finally said it's over you're finally entitled to some happiness Now out of nowhere she tells me that she's moving to Boston like she's always wanted to HHH WTF If you weren't planning on sticking around why were you looking for someone on Tinder Did you think I wouldn't mind My heart s just been stepped on, and now I feel like dying |
English | Does the thought of death comfort anyone or is it really just an escape I have had suicidal thoughts all of my life never attempted it but I know if I try I will succeed I hate myself and this world for reasons I cannot begin to explain Just wanted to know if anyone else felt like the option of death is comforting or if it really is just an escape I am nonreligious if that will vary any responses but I don't view death as an escape it is just another option to me Death also seems to be the best option despite the hurt that it will give my family I think I've reached the point where I just do not care due to the pain I have in this life Really trying to see if anyone feels similar or if my feeling of death being comforting is correct incorrect |
French | Je suis et je veux me tuer Mes parents croient que je suis un fardeau et refusent de m'aider J'ai tenté de me suicider quand j'étais Mes parents m'ont envoyé dans un établissement de soins ambulatoires et je suis resté là pendant un mois Le thérapeute croyait ma mère sur moi Ma mère a convaincu mon thérapeute que je faisais semblant et que mon téléphone était le problème Je vis un mode de vie sédentaire Je suis scolarisé à la maison et je n'ai pas d'amis |
French | Comment puis-je aider quelqu'un qui pense au suicide Mon ex m'a envoyé un texto qu'il va me tuer et je ne sais pas quoi faire C'était une relation à distance, donc je ne peux pas faire beaucoup IDK S'il vous plaît aider |
English | Like it's the right time to end it didn't honestly see my life going this far and I feel like I've now just reached the end of a book or game like i want to stop nothing's supposed to happen next and i don't know what to do these last couple days I feel like I've been through every emotion I've had in my lifetime yet I've just calmly accepted it like It's supposed to happen maybe I'm having an existential crisis but I feel like I should just end it now while the going is still relatively good |
French | J'ai regardé mes rêves mourir en face de moi et maintenant je suis laissé sans espoir pour l'avenir, je n'étais pas entraîné à devenir pilote, je voulais être pilote depuis que j'étais très jeune, je n'avais pas d'amis suicidaires, je savais juste que je voulais voler, j'avais des heures de retard, j'étais presque là. |
French | Titre va essayer de s'engager aujourd'hui |
English | I'm heavily intoxicated in a medical program and just learned I'm not getting funding m sitting here right now thinking of what I should do Live this life with figures of student loans with no possible way of ever realistically paying them off or just killing myself What would you do |
French | En fait, ce soir, je ne me souviens honnêtement pas d'un seul jour où je n'ai pas réfléchi à cela, je ne sais pas vraiment pourquoi je publie ceci ici, j'espère juste que mes amis et mes frères et sœurs verront ma note. |
French | Si je ne deviens pas plus jolie à la fin de l'été, je me tue, c'est la seule chose à laquelle je pense jour après jour, je suis malade et fatigué d'avoir de l'acné et d'avoir de petits seins, je suis foutu, je suis foutu, je suis foutu, je suis foutu, je suis foutu, je suis malade, je suis fatigué. |
English | Just downed the remainder of my seroquilWanted to wait till next year when I could get a gun but I can't deal with this insomnia and loneliness I can't even workout anymore cause my body is just always sore, and my joints hurt from the lack of sleep Never have children if you are poor Please |
English | I m going to be alone forever m a failure Going to be in a few months No one likes me man I don't know what it is I know it has to do with me but I'm so tired of blaming myself for everything I'm so alone and so tired of being an outcast That shit is painful I had so much potential, but I guess it's going all down the drain I pray to god like every day for help and I get nothing I hate my life I hate this world I just want it to end |
English | He won't console mere said during the last fight that he will never react to my tears or my pain any more unless I specifically tell him I am sad could you please comfort me I used the template today I tried extra hard to make my voice weepy and little girly which he likes and he yelled at me called me out for demanding comfort told me he doesn't feel like he should console me when I m such a shitty person all that crap I feel betrayed Why did he bait me like that I can feel myself going numb The knife accident is two days in the past He watched as I punched myself in the head with the blade He did nothing His voice was calm steady and arrogant when he told me I should be ashamed of myself Then why won't you let me die Why do you abuse me until I can't take it anymore and then call me weak for wanting to end it I want to die It's not attention seeking I genuinely want to die You are a cruel bastard for keeping me alive to play with |
French | Personne ne se soucie de memo la vie est si sombre en ce moment Mes propres parents me détestent mon travail est si stressant Mon père a jeté tous mes vêtements et effets Je dois recommencer et acheter tout nouveau Je n'ai personne et je déteste ma putain de vie |
English | I don't want to be afraid anymore f I have paranoia and anxiety along with depression I live every day in fear I just can't do this any more I hate myself so much and I'm always afraid I feel like I'm being watched People are taking pictures of me from behind There is not one moment where I'm not afraid or sad I've posted on this sub many times but I just can't do it anymore |
French | J'ai choisi un rendez-vous il y a quelque temps, mais maintenant je souhaite vraiment que ce soit aujourd'hui. Il y a quelques années, j'ai choisi un rendez-vous pour me suicider. C'était la seule façon d'arrêter d'y penser assez longtemps pour être fonctionnel. |
French | J'ai abandonné chaque fois que je m'approche de mon rêve, l'univers s'en éloigne. J'ai l'impression que ma vie n'est qu'un jouet pour un être sadique plus puissant. Cette dernière fois, c'était la dernière goutte d'énergie que je n'ai plus à combattre. Je vivais avec mes meilleurs amis et je fais ce que j'aime aujourd'hui. |
French | Comme le titre l'indique, je vais surmonter mon avidité et mon agoraphobie pour acheter un voyage en corde dans un autre pays pour voir un groupe et ensuite je vais me pendre, je n'ai rien à vivre, alors pourquoi se donner la peine d'essayer, ça prendra probablement quelques mois avant que je puisse le faire, mais cela me donne du temps pour me préparer et tout mettre en ordre. |
French | Je ne suis pas sûr si je devrais aller jusqu'au bout, mais je penserais que je serais mieux d'avoir échoué littéralement tout dans ma vie, je n'ai aucun talent dans quoi que ce soit et je n'ai aucune raison de continuer à vivre. |
French | Fille déprimée à la recherche d'une alternative aux coupures i m ans Je vis au Royaume-Uni et j'ai été propre de couper pendant des jours S'il vous plaît ne me félicitez pas ou dites rester fort Techniquement je ne suis pas auto-mutilation libre Je me frappe si fort que je pense parfois que j'aurai des os cassés Je suis toujours en agonie J'ai besoin d'une alternative à couper parce que je sais que je vais finir |
English | I'm not going to kill myself have no intention of killing myself I do not want to die I love my life I love being alive Everyday I think about killing myself Sometimes it sounds like a very stupid idea Other days I feel like I might just slip away and fall in to death comfortably like I won't miss being alive at all I don't want to kill myself I want to live Sometimes I feel so worthless that I think I don't deserve to live I think I'm so disgustingly ugly that I don't want anyone to see my body I just want to get away How do I escape my life I need away for a minute The things I need to escape from are the things I live the most They hurt my heart and make me feel sad When I have nothing to do and I'm just at home a deep dread rises in my chest I feel no motivation to live I just want out of the house I want to get away I have to wait until the day is over, and I go to work the next day On days when I stay home I feel like my life isn't worth living There is nothing for me on the planet and no one cares about me, I am upset I just want to be myself I feel like everyone is constantly judging me I'm not good enough I'm not pretty enough I'm too stupid or rude or annoying or clingy I want people to like me and understand me I want them to give me a chance I don't hate my body anymore and I think it's very pretty I'm by no means sexy but I am beautiful I have a nice face and good hair I wish my boobs and butt were bigger Sometimes I want to get diagnosed because I think I have some mental disorder I'm not normal I process information a lot differently than most people I'm smart but I don't handle emotions like most people do I want to get diagnosed so I can understand and feel validated Like why did I use to have panic attacks or think someone was watching me Why don't I anymore Why am I depressed Why am I so socially awkward I like people Why can't I talk to them Why do I feel like I have some form of autism or something Not to be insensitive to people with autism I don't think I have autism I just feel like I have something I can't always understand social cues or when something is a joke The list goes on IDK what is wrong with me Anyway I haven't been diagnosed but I think I have depression I don't want to treat it with medication I feel like I should only treat it with meds if I actually want to commit suicide I want to learn to cope with it on my own Looking back I think I've had it since I was in about fourth grade I'm not going to kill myself but I think about it often I think about how I would do it or who would care I don't talk about it much anymore because I am tired of whining about my feelings to people I just want to be real and be mature I don't want to rely on anyone else to cope with my feelings I just want to let my feelings go |
French | Comment puis-je aider mon ami déprimé J'ai peur pour sa vie Mon ami à long terme a admis aujourd'hui qu'il allait voir un conseiller parce qu'il a peur que son esprit va comme ses pères Je ne suis pas sûr si c'est la dépression mais c'est tout ce que je peux deviner Il a déjà été avec quelqu'un depuis longtemps Il est aussi possible qu'il soit plus jeune Il a eu peur de sortir de chez lui |
French | Je n'aime pas vraiment Compliments première besoin de dire que je me sens mal de faire ce poste parce que cela semble irrespectueux aux bonnes intentions de mes amis que je ne l'aime pas quand les gens disent que je vais passer à travers les moments difficiles ou comment je suis compétent ou comment ils sont fiers de moi Pour une raison, il me rend beaucoup plus paniqué mal à l'aise et en colère que quand quelqu'un me dit que je devrais me tuer. |
French | Pas de coeur Supprimer |
English | Okay SW let s see how you handle this one It took me a while to get this done because I absolutely hate talking about this, but something needs to be done Haters going to hate so downvotes do your thing Yes I am thinking about killing myself Again Let s just get that out of the way Now for a backstory which involves predictably a girl and a few regrets In I nearly slashed my throat with a knife I was a self injurer back then I nearly bled to death once I got it cleaned up though and nobody noticed That was the closest I've come to killing myself until a few years later This is probably what really set in motion an ongoing cycle of suicidal thoughts gt almost suicide gt hey things got better gt things are okay gt oh god what the FUCK gt suicidal thoughts gt again Over the years I've gone in and out of this cycle several times I am currently bouncing between oh god WTF and suicidal thoughts I'm going to summarize the most recent disaster quickly because I fucking hate having telling this story for the millionth time In I met a girl I will call her Susan we were classmates It took me years to work up the courage to ask her out She said no of course but I was proud of myself for trying We graduated in and maintained loose contact her idea really In we started talking about things over email We shared a few personal things Susan was a friend of my own friends so we were already part of the same social circles We got close as much as you might be able to over email I guess I must ve been doing something right because she invited me along on a trip to another country with several of our friends Did you get all that Susan myself and a few other people were all going on a trip to another continent This was her idea So in we go At first Susan is herself, but about two days in a switch flipped inside her head, and suddenly she turned distant bitter short angry annoyed etc I didn't understand what was going on, and it was putting a serious damper on my vacation This went on for two weeks She had become a completely different person My solution for calming down involves removing myself from a bad situation but in this case being trapped on the same bus car plane room hotel trolley whateverthefuck meant I couldn't get away from the problem, so I eventually had a panic attack for the first time in years We get back she says she never wants to talk again we bitch back and forth a few times through email a few times done Well fuck Vacation ruined Oh I should clarify we weren't dating He we were just friends We never touched each other Lt story gt The story above occurred in it is one of several similar stories It s been a year to the day and I m am still goddamn mad as hell I can't even put into words how fucking pissed I am about this I cannot fucking believe that someone would treat me so terribly and then later just walk the fuck away like I wasn't worth the trouble Furthermore Susan has manipulated her schedule such that it's either Susan friends or me friends for hangouts Not that I would show up if she was there anyway This incident has unleashed a torrent of pent-up anger and regret and hate and bitterness that has been stewing inside me for years When I was a kid I had a habit of getting the shit beat out of me Either at school or at home someone usually had their first or hand against some part of me in anger People told me that they hated me that I was a burden that I was stupid that I should kill myself that nobody else on this planet would ever love me or that I was ugly or weak or etc so on so forth I would get things stolen from me, I'd be singled out for ridicule or wrongly blamed for some crime or some other shitty thing would happen I dealt with it though because even when things were absolutely fucking miserable I would think to myself man when I'm an adult things won't be so bad I'll have money and a girl and things will be okay I guess that feeling died in but I kept finding title reasons to hold on Now in I am years old I go to the gym three times a week I make almost k year I have no debt and I am in good physical health so shouldn't my life be working out okay I am so bitter and angry about how people have treated me that I just want to just get a shotgun and blow my brains all over the inside of my living room I cannot stop living in my past I still have nightmares about high school nightmares about Susan nightmares about women in general and generally feel like shit all day everyday I am years old and while I see people around me having fun and being happy and moving on with their lives I still stand there and think wait a minute what about me When does all the fun start for me Girls Hello When I go out and try to do something good for myself I can tell in the way that people look at me or the way I'm treated that people just flat out do not like me I know this is because of my defensive nature I was taught to act that way by those useless as swipes from my early years I cannot break that feeling of oh god this guy girl is about to totally flip the fuck out and I'm going to be in so much trouble when I meet new people I'm seeing Susan again at a friend s wedding in about hours She emailed me once to say she's sorry about what happened last year and hope you don't have any reservations about seeing her at the wedding I am so anxious and pissed and upset I could barf until I turned inside out Twice UGH Wall of text Fuck everything |
English | what's the best way to commit suicide I can't cope with life any more I need help ending it |
English | I was thinking about a movie Neon Demon or water there is a scene that show the protagonist kissing herself on a room full of mirrors repeatedly I just need that embrace myself y know I'm daily overthinking about stuff Shit happens, and I pass all day thinking about it |
French | J'ai l'impression que c'est en train de s'effondrer Mon nom est Jacob J'ai obtenu mon diplôme de l'université au printemps sans emploi ou un endroit où vivre en raison de problèmes de santé mentale J'ai du mal à recruter J'ai trouvé un emploi dans ma ville natale et je vis avec mes parents Je n'ai pas de motivation Je n'ai pas rencontré une fille qui s'est développée dans une relation à distance J'ai eu envie |
English | WWI said something kinda bad a while back but didn't realize it I just realized a friend I have kinda hates me my heart is beating really fast and I feel like dying I know I'm not going to die because I'm such a fucking pussy but I still can't help but have the thoughts |
French | C'est mon anniversaire aujourd'hui et j'ai pleuré pour la majorité de celui-ci Mon école a eu quelques cas Covid, donc je suis coincé à l'intérieur de l'auto-isolement pendant des semaines Je prévoyais de sortir avec des amis ce jour-là qui ne sont pas au courant de l'état dans lequel je suis et comment je me sens la plupart du temps Je n'aime pas avoir envie de partager des choses |
French | Les attaques de panique se tournent bientôt et ont été des attaques de panique généralement déclenchées en réfléchissant sur les dernières années, je suis noyé dans la dette, je n'ai pas d'amis ou de famille, pas de carrière et peut-être le pire de tous, pas d'expérience de vie ou de souvenirs en tant qu'adulte jusqu'à présent, c'est un grand flou et je me déteste pour m'isoler et ne pas vivre la vie. |
English | Fucking broken man I just couldn't do this anymore This isn't a cry for help because I've already taken enough opiates to kill myself times over This is it man this is what I've come to Goodbye everyone Keep your loved ones close Take your mental health seriously as well as others Please don't comment or try to stop me What s done is done Take care people |
English | Meaningless Born and raised in a toxic abusive household Have nowhere else to go but the streets and have no friends I m done |
French | Je ne peux plus coopérer avec qui que ce soit, je suis seul et je ne peux pas m'échapper, je serai seul pendant des jours et personne ne me découvrira pendant des jours si je fais cela, alors je prévois de le sauver, mais je n'ai pas encore déterminé la méthode et tout le monde dans notre corps me dit non et que je nous tue tous en faisant cela. |
French | J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide J'ai besoin d'aide |
English | I just wanted to let you guys know I'm here for you, I will give you my number, and we can talk about anything ve been suicidal since I was years old and recently this year everything got better, but I still want to help some of you the best I can Besides I could use more friends |
French | La vie n'est pas juste N'a pas demandé à être né encore ici Je suis aussi je n'ai pas demandé à être né avec ce visage laid soit il est si étonnant combien votre vie peut être modifié juste parce que la façon dont vous êtes attrayant par quelque chose qui n'a pas d'importance ou devrait l'importance, mais il ne les gens regardent plus gentiment sur les gens attrayants qu'ils sont plus amicaux ils n'ont même pas à essayer d'être aimé |
English | I want to die, but I want to get help want to tell someone I want to kill myself, but I don't want to be hospitalized I've been hospitalized before, and it was not great If I tell a doctor or a therapist I want to die what will happen |
English | I just wanted him to listen SMH For months I just wanted to talk about the sleepless nights the self-induced weekend drug comas the loneliness the fact that suicide is ALL I can think about How could I have been so naive I was nothing more than a means to a paycheck They're all liars |
French | N'ayant plus peur de la mort, j'ai été fasciné par la mort et j'ai pensé à des moyens créatifs de suicide Mon seul problème est de choisir une méthode et de trouver un moyen d'avoir un dernier certificat. Les notaires ne toucheront pas ce dernier et ne pensent pas que quiconque dans ma famille approuvera cela. |
English | I don't know how to hold on any longer m on the edge I have been depressed and suicidal since my mid-teens I've been self injuring since I was At I attempted to kill myself by running my car into a tree I survived uninjured and no one ever knew about it At I attempted to overdose on any medication I could get my hands on I woke up days later in a haze but alive Since then I have not actively attempted suicide only placed myself in dangerous situations and let it play out and I have survived all of these situations I am turning in March Some years have been worse than others There were relationships I was in that literally pulled me from the depths of despair and made me feel like things could be okay I lost both of these amazing girls One I lost when I was The other I gained and lost this very year Losing her has put me at my lowest point since my previous suicide attempts Not only have I been returned to the hell that my own mind has constructed for me without her but I now have the additional weight of hope denied worthlessness and sadness that I could lose something so precious to me, She broke up with me at the end of July Once it was made clear that we could not fix things I asked her to leave me alone because seeing her and hearing from her was tearing me apart I think about her every single day I think about every thing I could have done differently that would have made her happier that would have made us be together even one second longer I miss her so much I have refrained from contacting her because even though it hurts me so much to think if I want her to be happy even if it is without me, She has moved on she is with someone else I broke last night Christmas and I texted her that I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and that I hoped she was doing great She responded in kind And that was it I still hope and dream that some day we can be back together But I know it will not happen She's a sweet beautiful girl and she doesn't need to come back to me to find happiness So here I am back in my hell and on top of that I'm here without my angel and with the weight of knowing I lost her and I will never get her back I have kept my self from committing suicide for only reasons in the past years Firstly is financial as I do not want any of my school debts to impact my family This will no longer be a reason soon as the debt will be paid off or at least fully in my name The second reason is my sister She depends on me Right now she is living with me while she goes to school Sometimes it helps with the crushing isolation Sometimes it just makes me feel even more alone as it is just one more person that I have to pretend to be okay around and in my own home When my ex ended it I went to therapy for the first time in years because I knew that if I didn't I would not be able to stop myself from killing myself I have been on various medications since and go to therapy weekly The medications have done nothing for me except the Xanax which I fear to take because I am afraid of becoming an addict and even if I don't become addicted I am afraid to show much dependence on it because I fear it will be taken from me and it is one of only two things that helps me in my worst state even though it only helps because it turns me into a zombie and puts me to sleep I managed to date one girl shortly after my ex ended it I was not highly interested in her but I needed something anything to take me away from the pain I was feeling The medicine I was on for depression interfered with our sex life and she broke up with me because of that It was disappointing but she was never the one I wanted anyway Since then I have rather desperately been trying to find a girl to at least distract me from this pain I have had no luck and it has become quite disheartening Abandonment and rejection are my biggest fears and triggers of pain and facing constant rejection for the past few months is now also taking a toll on me, I try not to care but I do I want someone to reach out to me and tell me yes you are worth loving not because you are my family but because of who you are Obviously those words themselves mean something but the accompanying actions are what I desire I want to be loved romantically Not being able to find anyone that would even give that a chance at this point is sad I have been trying to exercise to improve my general fitness and I have been told by my therapist that it would make me feel better I can say that it has not made me feel any better If anything it gives me another window of time when my mind is racing with thoughts of sadness pain lose love and self-hatred Between that and the drive home I am usually at the point where I need to cut, or I will do something worse My cutting has gotten worse It was particularly bad around the times of my previous suicide attempt but was largely eliminated from my routine in my mid-twenties due to being in a serious relationship for years I have started doing it regularly again I can't tolerate it like I used to or perhaps It's because I don't have the correct implements for it but I find it distasteful now though it still is one of the few things that helps me My distaste is more practical than emotional Cleaning up volumes of blood each day becomes problematic as does bandage each day and keeping it hidden The smell of blood sickens me now And watching my blood clot in the minutes after I cut is sickening to me now Still I find myself bound to if it is becoming harder to stop at just cutting though The past few months I have been compelled to stab myself on a daily basis I have started collecting knives In the past months I have probably ordered of them off the internet Most of them aren't very satisfying to cut with I want to stab myself with them, I act it out every day Either with the blade closed or holding it backwards I thump it into my chest or my thigh or my stomach Other times I run the smooth back of the blade sharply over my wrists or my neck or my forearms I cut on my upper arm and it is completely scarred over and over at this point and it is not very satisfying to cut there any more I want to ruin my body in places I have not touched, yet I want to pull the veins out of my arms I want to stab myself to death I have told my therapist about my compulsion to stab myself but I have not gone into much detail about this or about my cutting because I fear being hospitalized against my will I was supposed to see my therapist last Tuesday but I ended up going to the ER from abdominal pain and ended up getting an appendectomy that very night They saw my cuts and scars while the surgery was underway and they were insisting that I have someone watch over me in my room I protested for hours and told them that if they did it then next time I had a life-threatening injury I would not go to the hospital because of them abusing my trust by doing this I eventually talked them out of forcing it on me, They still sent several people to me while I was recovering all of whom I turned away and told them I was already in treatment I wanted to scream that no I am not okay I will never be okay But I fear being hospitalized I fear all of my pain coming to light and everyone knowing what is wrong with me Between my depression and several illnesses C Diff infection for months in August September and appendicitis this past week I have missed a lot of time at work and had to work from home a lot I had hid my depression under the cover of these other illnesses though the depression is by far the most crippling Initially I was reassured that it is fine and to do what I can and try to get better I feel the reassurances are running thin now though It just one thing after another It could just be my paranoia but I don't think, so I think my reputation and job will be on the line soon and if not my job then at least the promotion that I am in line for as well as my status as the most capable and reliable person on our team I know that if I have to take any time off for mental reasons then I will surely lose this and I don't think it will help me anyway Removing myself from reality is the only way I can cope as it is and I know that once I have to return to reality it will be just as bad again I don't want to be a failure My career is at this point the only success I have had and honestly it is more successful than I ever would have thought But I hate it I hate being dragged into a worthless reality that hurts me so much I hate having to pretend like I'm okay and be productive and pretend like I care about the business But I can't let myself jeopardize the one success I have the one thing that at least keeps me financially secure But I am and it's only going to get worse I need to escape this world There is too much pain here for me Or maybe I am too weak Either way it amounts to the same thing There is more on me than I could ever hope to bear This is who I am I have been brought out of it before but only by the freely given love that I no longer have Without that I am just me And this is what I am I have struggled for so long it feels like My therapist asks me if I intend to kill myself I respond by saying that if I truly did intend to kill myself then I obviously wouldn't tell her because she would stop me She agrees with this assessment but I believe it has worried her even more and rightfully so I suppose Again I fear hospitalization and the fallout from it More than I fear death which I don't at all I only fear the pain I will cause those who care for me, I have no regard for my own life My therapist asks me how I feel about myself She asks me if I hate myself I tell her that it doesn't make sense as a question because I am completely and utterly biased when it comes to me so I can not give an objective answer I tell her the concept of me as a person isn't clear in my mind Everyone else is someone but I am no one I think I have frustrated her with my sickening logic She has stated to me that she doesn't think she can help me But no one can understand how hard it was for me to see her in the first place How hard it is to provide a window into myself especially in person in text If I stop seeing her I don't think I will try again Besides as I have told her I never expected that anyone would be able to help me not in the long term Admittedly though I look forward to seeing her each week especially on terrible days I don't know why I say to her maybe of the thoughts going through my mind and my worries as if the rest were so taboo that she would tell me that she hates me and to never come back In reality I do fear this I fear this with everyone but especially her because I have allowed myself to become somewhat vulnerable I have provided the smallest of windows into my heart and mind I am supposed to see her tomorrow Part of me wants to break down and cry and tell her what I am really feeling But I know she will have me hospitalized I am unconvinced it would help but even if it did the immediate consequences I foresee are unacceptable Part of my wants to hand this to her to let her read all the things I can't bring myself to say aloud I am so lonely right now Why can't anyone want to be with me What about me is so awful Can they sense the way I feel Do they instinctively know to avoid me Have thousands of years of evolution endowed people with the ability to detect that I am Not Good and that any offspring that come from me will be just as bad I am partially convinced of this I am not the most attractive guy but I have gotten girls before so I am not wholly repulsive physically I miss being close to someone I miss having them in my arms I miss the pleasure of sex both loving and animalistic I miss knowing that someone chose to be there with me, I try to think to the future Turning soon has brought that close to the forefront of my mind I feel old maybe just because I feel like I should feel old Most people say they have expected to be married or to have children by and that is something they have not achieved I didn't expect to make it to When I was years old I was certain that I would be dead within a year I can't believe I've struggled for so long And I look ahead another years And I think there's no way I can do it that long I'm not living for myself I'm living just to keep from hurting my sister How long can I stake my self to that She has a boyfriend now and she wants to marry him When that happens will I be able to go Will I have lasted long enough to see her at least with someone else to comfort her and keep her safe Could I even wait that long I don't know Right now it feels like I can't And what if I can What if I can keep myself alive and that's if I still have to go to work each day and pretend like I'm a person I have to laugh and get things done I have to get up in the morning when all I want to do is sleep forever That s cruelty and suffering in and of itself I'm so tired My moods cycle between numbness which is the high point of my life and crippling sadness and the stages in between My life is joyless I have felt joy before when I was with someone With my ex things I hate doing became wonderful I can't stand being around a lot of people it gives me panic attacks But I went to the zoo with her once And it was amazing She took away all the bad things and left me only with the good This is something I feel that people can't realize or understand She took it all away and left me with room to have happiness and love It's not something I can do for myself If I have to be honest even if I could I don't know if I would want to This is perhaps the most demented part of my mental defects I know it frustrates my therapist and probably bewilders her I don't know if I would choose meaningless happiness even given the choice My agony my suffering I can at least say that it feels like it means something That concept something having meaning I can't accurately describe what it means to me yet I know it does mean something My pain means something Love means something And I don't know how to define everything in between I think there is a gulf a barren landscape in my emotional curve In this area lies the small joys that other people seem to so easily find the self-satisfaction or pride This is what everyone insists is out there and tells me that I just need to reach out and grasp it I think this is like a bundle of dead nerves in me Somewhere along the line every feeling in me died except for the extreme negatives and one special place where love lives where I can feel something positive It sounds so romantically juvenile to put it like that it makes me sick to even say it is sounds fake it sounds like something out of a shitty book But it's the only way I can describe how I feel what I am capable of feeling And I feel deeply that might be the other key Nothing is slight Everything is maximum intensity I just want it to be over I want to go to sleep and just never wake up again It could be an endless dream or a hollow silence or the complete lack of perception I can't take this reality I can't take the loneliness I can't take the abandonment I can't take the never-ending facade I must keep up I am convinced I am going to kill myself I don't know when Guilt keeps my heart pumping and lungs breathing Guilt keeps me from stabbing myself in the heart or slashing my neck or opening my wrists even as I mime and practice these actions so much that they already feel warm and familiar to me, I fear surviving a suicide attempt The first two times I was lucky and no one found out and I wasn't left paralyzed or brain-damaged But maybe next time it wouldn't be like that Or even if I was okay someone would find out, and they would hospitalize me I know there are fairly reliable ways but in my mind I also see suicide as my chance to finally perpetrate the horrific violence I am compelled to serve upon myself Two birds with one stone It sounds like an excuse though Maybe it is an excuse But if someone could tell me right now that my sister would forget that I ever existed after I died I would be so grateful and would do it right now My sister is my most immediate concern but it's not like I don't care about how it would hurt everyone else My mother my grandmother I'm sure they would hurt especially my mom I know she feels she is to blame for how I am the little bit of it she knows about She was in the mental hospital on three separate occasions during my childhood that I can recall I believe it was during one of these stays that I spent the summer at my father s place they were divorced During this summer my stepmother physically abused me daily When I got back it was evident to my family what had happened and my father then lost his partial custody because of this I believe my mother blames this on herself as well I wish she could know that I don't blame her for it, I wish I could tell her how much I love her Then there's a horrible part of me that thinks maybe if my ex knew that I killed myself she would finally know how much I loved her and that she made a terrible mistake I hate myself for that thought entering my mind and I can barely admit it is s unbearably cruel and in reality I wish only good things for her, I just wish that those good things could include me But the thought enters my mind I am ashamed to say Typing this out has maybe made me feel a little better for tonight Less frantic I suppose I don't expect anyone to read this I guess It's probably rambling and depressing Part of me wants to show this to my therapist I think this is more words and information than I have spoken to her in the past months combined I don't know if I will, It could end badly and I'm so scared of all the possible ways it could end badly I think I m done for the night Thank you for listening |
French | null |
English | I wasn't supposed to live this long I never wanted to make to age IDK why Probably because I knew I wouldn't be mentally strong enough to handle adulthood Turns out I was right Past trauma new symptoms current events and future uncertainties have me on edge and I'm tired of it I can't afford proper help and at this point I don't want it I wish I could go somewhere and leave the war inside my head behind But I can't And I can't take this anymore So I'm not going to live to see my next birthday I'm incredibly sorry to those who may be hurt by my choice and fuck you to those who will pretend to be hurt when you know full well that you caused this shit but I did try I tried so hard I just can't handle this pain any more I hope you understand, and I hope you can forgive me when I do it |
French | HB à moi souhaite que mon cadeau à moi-même n'était jamais se réveiller au lieu de rien émirat LMAO |
English | Probably going through with it tonight think I'm going to go to sleep in a car that's on in a garage It's a Carroll, and I was wondering will the car produce enough carbon monoxide to kill me in like hours I tried to get help and I kept pushing through but more roadblocks keep stopping me and i m not strong-willed enough to keep overcoming the stuff going on around me, I'm just looking for an answer to help make me finally feel happy with no more stress or struggles to deal with Thank you in advance |
French | J'ai toujours eu l'impression que tout le monde me déteste et ne me dira pas que c'était assez de sourires et de sympathie pour me faire penser que c'est la dépression qui me fait croire cela, mais j'avais raison de deviner qu'ils finiraient par me perdre Tout le monde a été si froid pour moi ces derniers jours, nous avons finalement atteint un point de rupture. |
French | null |
French | Je ne suis vraiment pas sûr même pas sûr si j'ai un problème ou pas Mais peu importe Pour presque toute ma vie je ne suis pas Je suis passé par des années d'abus émotionnels et verbaux de tout le monde à l'école C'est tout à cause de qui je suis Ma race Ma personnalité Tout ce que je suis Un an asiatique Je suis solitaire Je ne suis pas fou Je me sens tout le monde Je me sens tout le temps Je suis désolé |
French | Ce n'est pas fairway que j'ai essayé si dur Après un mois de m'isoler complètement de tout ce que j'ai finalement eu assez de force en moi pour commencer à essayer d'obtenir mieux encore, je l'ai fait tellement plus que je pensais que je serais en mesure de dans quelques jours et maintenant sa vie s'écraser Chaque fois que j'ai un peu d'espoir, je veux attraper l'appât, je suis juste trop loin. |
English | It's quite embarrassing to say this, but I want to die because of a year old Haha I know Pathetic But ever since she was she absorbed my parent s love and attention I thought sure It's normal The youngest should be taken care of the most anyway But for years now my parents would blame me on everything she says She'd slap herself and yell out Ow my name hit me And I'd be yelled out Now this specific moment seriously made me consider death it's when she said you're just a burden Now I don't know if she even knows what burden means, but it really stuck to me If a toddler even tells me I just let the whole family down then why continue Everyone at the school never really knew me They'd just talk behind my back I'm a nobody there My dad even said stop using violence on children I never did Maybe I'll live more if I'm so scared of death but right now I feel ready Maybe I'll die soon Goodbye |
French | Je veux toujours mourir Aujourd'hui Saint Valentin J'ai une petite amie, mais je veux toujours mourir Je veux mourir si mal et honnêtement Je m'approche vraiment de le faire Je ne pense vraiment pas qu'elle se soucie ou que quelqu'un se soucie de moi, Je me sens si seul Je suis tellement fatigué de le faire Je veux vraiment mourir |