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English | Settled on a Method and Preparing for the End Won t discuss the details per the rules but here I am Can't wait I deserve it |
English | Can anyone help me I'm I've taken multiple tests online as I cannot get actual real life therapy due to my anxiety of asking my parents and they've openly said that they don't believe in mental illness I can't confirm it but I have multiple disorders that I have symptoms of General Anxiety Social Anxiety Agoraphobia Major Depression Bipolar Disorder and a couple others that I do not think I have I keep thinking about suicide how when where and why I should do it but really don't want to die My friends are encouraging me but they're not helping at all I have problems everywhere with school home and friends It's a wonder how I can still put on a happy face I'm reaching out so please if you can Give me some advice |
English | I m done with trying to feel better The only reason I'm still alive is because I know my mum will be devastated if I ever killed myself If she ever passes while I'm still in this state I'm not going to hesitate on ending my own life shortly after I'm almost I take my meds I go to therapy Nothing seems to help enough I just don't want to be around anymore I hate feeling like this I wouldn't wish this upon my own enemy My brain feels like it's constantly like a static TV here it won't shut up from all the overthinking I do I think I'm running out of options I don't see myself living past I just got accepted into a health science degree, but I don't even know if I want to try I know I'm smart but my mental illness holds me back to where I think I can't do anything and I'm not good enough I need fucking help, but I don't know what to do any more I've run out of options |
French | null |
English | Suicide Hello everyone whatever my name may be it is not important I come asking for why the fuck should I keep on living I fell in love with a person the person they who I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life but now I don't know I love them I truly do I wanted to marry them one day have a family with them even die of old age with them but I feel hurt like a knife stabbed through my heart I once felt this before a bit younger it took me a full year for it to subside, and I got better and felt happy because of this person The only time when I am truly happy is with them, I am not sure but I think I am addicted to em I love them so, so much I don't know if others have felt the same but after so many betrayals so much pain so much anger and frustration I don't feel any more I truly don't nor happiness nor sadness the only thing I felt that made me go was rage and anger with them, I became alive I TRULY am only alive with them, I can't live without them, I have confessed my love and they have said that they are also in love with me but now they've said they are afraid of falling in love with an individual who I shall not name I don't know what to do them saying that it hurt it really fucking hurt a pain that I thought I will never feel and or again I have tried to kill myself before but I couldn't I am a coward and a pathetic human I guess I am only useful for getting advise from and then bye bye I do not think I'm a good person never was sure what is being good is it you acting to get out of your way and helping someone or is it about being naturally good whatever it may be I am not a good person I am cold merciless and ruthless I help but what does helping does compared to my past and sins Neither does my country give a fuck about me, I am from the Middle East and the country I'm in is one of the worst countries I'd say in the whole world in here it's an animal kingdom you don't get to be happy you don't get to live just maybe survive Some have said for me to get out of here and seek somewhere else other s have said by leaving and finding a new home I will feel better but my life is only good and happy with the The one I love I don't even know why I am writing this probably no one will see it if anyone does thank you for reading my hectic and maniacal writing it's just I don't know and I don't know what to do |
French | J'ai été au sommet d'un parking pendant deux heures et j'ai essayé d'écrire une liste de choses pour lesquelles je devrais vivre, mais je ne pouvais rien écrire, alors ce papier s'est transformé en lettre de suicide. |
French | null |
English | I've seriously attempted Suicide times All times I failed All times I ended up in the hospital Thankfully my life has improved a bit and I feel like I can move past some of those dark thoughts that brought me to that point I wanted to share this free book Suicide The forever decision HTTP WWW ryanpatrickhalligan org documents Forever Decision PDF because it helped me and I just sincerely hope it can help other person on this sub Even if it's the last thing you ever read it's worth a try I can't know how you feel but I know what the unrelenting desire to die feels like and I'd just like to help anybody I can |
English | Goodbye It makes me super anxious posting this but nothing seems to be working out for me, I was clean of cutting for months and I just gave back in, and I feel like a complete failure I think I might attempt tonight, and I just wanted to say goodbye to everybody |
English | All I have to say Please God let me meet her All I want is to find that perfect girl I know exists She's sweet and shy and my age and likes all the things I do and might even be on Reddit The girl who won't secretly think i m a loser the girl I can cuddle with even just online and spend nights talking to and laughing and sharing happiness the girl who can reciprocate the love I put in the girl I can make feel safe and secure unconditionally and can fill this gaping empty void in my heart Please just let me find this person I'll change everything about me if that's what it takes Please I just can't take the loneliness anymore |
English | Getting better was a lies was doing better for so long Now I see that it was just an illusion some wasted time trying to put off what I was supposed to do in the first place God I'm so pathetic that whenever I hear about someone dying the only thing I feel is jealousy No amount of medicine or therapy will ever fix me it's always one more obstacle after the other and for what to waste away by myself still having no friends and being regarded as an awkward creep forever Why the hell is it so hard to kill yourself I would legitimately offer someone my life savings if they could guarantee a way to kill me painlessly or instantly but it's just a pipe dream I'm going to fucking do it for real one of these days I constantly feel like a ticking bomb at least maybe people will like me more after I m gone |
French | Les amis ne se soucient pas Littéralement à mes amis en leur disant que je pense à me tuer ce soir, et ils cessent soudainement de me parler à ce stade pourquoi est-ce que je continue à essayer C'est tellement plus facile d'abandonner, et j'ai eu tellement d'occasions ce soir |
French | null |
French | Mon thérapeute de groupe a dit quelque chose il y a quelques semaines qui m'a écrasé Elle m'a dit tout le soutien et les soins d'amour de validation dont j'ai jamais eu besoin et que je voulais de ma mère n'allait jamais arriver Je suis tombé en panne et me suis caché dans la salle de bain en poinçonnant les murs et en creusant généralement le cou Un de mes vieux amis m'avait déjà dit la même chose mais je ne les ai pas cru |
French | Ce soir, c'est pire Les tendances auto-mutilantes me reviennent et je vais être gâché |
French | Pourquoi devrais-je continuer à vivre, je suis totalement inutile dans la vie IDK comment je suis encore en vie Si j'avais la chance de me suicider, je le prendrais sans hésitation, afin que je puisse y mettre fin dès maintenant et arrêter de gaspiller de l'oxygène |
English | I'm scared and confused I don't know what to do Relapsed into an old addiction Lost my faith Want to kill myself but I'm scared |
French | Final postie quelqu'un veut parler ou quelque chose avant qu'il ne soit trop tard |
English | I m sorry should have known better than to waste your time I'm so sorry It's over now I prepared a noose and I fully intend to use it This is it This is my last goodbye I leave with a whimper I'll finally end this pain I may be happy again I love you |
French | Certains jours, je me demande juste ce que j'ai fait pour mériter cette vie, je prie pour que Dieu vienne et me prenne tous les jours, je ne peux même plus voir la lumière au bout du tunnel, juste plus de solitude et de douleur, juste plus de jours passés à pleurer dans le lit, tenant des draps à ma bouche, pour étouffer les sons de l'agonie pure et de la tristesse, je suis malade d'être plus heureux. |
English | I can't face daylight How do I fight this How does I get up and face the daylight All I do is sit in my room with the blinds closed, and I feel so depressed when I have to open the window and see the daylight All I want to do is kill myself, so I just decide to do nothing all day What do I want to get better for my friends and family because I love them At the same time I just want to vanish of this earth Can anyone help me I am currently taking Prozac and feel more suicidal than ever |
English | I had a perfect day, but now I want to die Sorry if the layout is weird I'm on my phone I had a perfect day today I woke up earlier than usual and went bowling with my cousin, and it was really fun and I felt really happy and ate subway with her without feeling guilty and went to her dance practice with her but when I got home I felt so, so sad It s been around five hours since I got home currently and now I m just sitting in bed crying because I really want to die I went to talk to one of my friends but its late and I don't know what to say and lately I've been having really frequent and bad suicidal thoughts and I don't know if I'll make it through this year and I'm overthinking now I don't even know why I feel like this especially because I had such a good day Does this happen to others too Like when you have a perfect day and then when you're alone you feel really sad or something |
English | Boringright now I'm laying in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark I still don't have the motivation to put my clothes on my sister said I was had no humor or personality and I are boring and the only reason people like me is being I whine and cry and they feel bad for me and that they only like me because I m friends with her she's my twin, and we are both sometimes she makes suicide threats right now she's on an errand with my mom and I told my mom what happened she's knows those are my insecurities, and she actively exploited them to make me upset I have autism I was crying because I was stressed that's how it started she said I'm just doing it for attention i don't want to live any more I just feel like a burden |
English | How do people not think about suicide I just feel that it's the most logical option to do when life is a lot of work and pain and there's meaning to it |
English | Easiest way to go I've finally built up the guts to do it I just don't know how I'm ready to stop being sad |
English | Does my presence make a difference Would my absence be noticed Ever get the feeling that there s something wrong when things start to go good I thought I had overcome all of my past struggles but they never seem to far behind me College was going great Everyone loved me got good grades stayed busy People always love me for the wrong reason though They love me for what I look like and for what they can get out of me I feel like my intelligence is rarely accounted for I worked so hard my first semester of school I got A s in all of my difficult classes but somehow I managed to screw up the easiest class I was in I got a C in my computer course Now I know that you re-thinking why is this the end of the world Well it's not but it's certainly the tip of the iceberg I've probably lost a total of or more friends in the past week I suppose my personality isn't worth anything If it was wouldn't people be interested in still being my friend even though I didn't want a relationship Why am I even in college I might as well drop out and become a lingerie model or something like everyone expects Why am I even here right now I don't understand this world and I'm not so sure if I want to continue being a part of it I felt like I finally had a hold on my ADHD and my family relationships but I guess not I'm losing control again and I can't let that happen I felt the rush of a razor blade for the first time in a long while today I don't regret doing it though It at least made me realize I am still alive in this miserable world but who knows for how much longer |
English | Why keep on living I'm nothing and I don't matter My future is nothing else but an empty void |
English | I could do it could do it right now I could end it finally It would be so easy I even have different methods ready to choose from They all say that I would hurt them But would I They all say talk to me if you need but do they really mean that Do they really care Would anyone care I doubt it There's no one left to help I've done all I can, I am but a burden now I'm finally finished Was it enough Would, it have ever been enough Well it's too late to see now I told myself I d Wait until after exams but I'm growing to impatient In it's selfish In it's wrong I'm so sorry I just can't keep hold on I'm sorry |
English | Days left ve written notes to the ones I care about Will the police search my flat Or should I post them the day of Or do I keep them on my body Feels like I m in limbo I picked a specific date for personal reasons and now I'm just waiting I don't really know what to do now So much of my life has been spent trying to get help feel better and there's no point to that any more, so I m kind of lost now I was lost before anyway There's no need to respond I'm just IDK typing it out because it helps solidify my thoughts On one hand I'm scared and on the other I'm just relieved it's going to end |
English | Love is terminal x post from depression off my chest Not sure if anyone is interested in my story so to keep things short I love a girl that's miles borders and countries away I was depressed She can make me forget about my depression I love her more than anything, but I would never be more than a bro to her, We could almost never meet When reality sets in everything makes me feel helpless as fuck I don't dare tell her I have feelings for her again she will just stop talking to me thinking I can forget her There are many issues in my life right now but the seems to be some form of solution to them Meds might be able to cure my emptiness But nothing can replace her this pain is unbearable I feel like killing myself to end this pain I'm so desperate I'm writing to Subreddits talking and not talking to her hurts have been suicidal for months and now I'm afraid I've reached my limit |
French | J'ai des pilules par mon côté droit C'est un peu si j'ai l'intention de les prendre en heures, c'est vraiment une forte insomnie et des pilules contre l'anxiété qui me font dormir comme une pierre, mais j'aime l'idée de dormir pour toujours |
English | Not really sure if I belong here Need someone to talk Tom boyfriend of two years left me last Saturday I thought for the most part that we ended things on good terms I try to call him or text him he won't even respond When I did reach him on the phone he said we couldn't talk any more I never thought that he would do something like this to me Treat me like a complete stranger He even told me he still loves me but just can't be my friend any more I loved him more than anything and now he s gone Maybe I'm taking it too hard but this just tears me apart The breakup truly was out of nowhere I would have never expected it I feel so lost I feel so alone I focused on our relationship more than anything This pushed many of my friends away I wish I could tell them I'm sorry for this I have no one I can turn to I've been through a lot on my life and nothing ever seems to get better I've lost both my parents and I'm not even I can't ever have anyone want to stay with me, It's always just more pain Even if I'm happy for a period of time somehow something happens and more pain comes along I know I have reasons to live I know there are things to look forward to I know my life is worth something, but I am so tired of feeling this pain The pain never goes away I just don't want to feel it anymore |
English | Betrayed and hurt and leaving now feel completely betrayed I gave up a lot of time and sleep and energy to someone who I grew VERY close to and just found out that this person has told me nothing but LIES for almost a year now I always gave are the benefit of the doubt even when nobody else did I stood up for her when nobody else would and today she tells me that everything was a fucking lie there are no words to describe the hurt I feel it took time away from my family my job my kids everything I laid awake at night worrying stories of rape cutting suicide drugs you name it all fucking lies made up people texting me, and it was all HER I AM SO FUCKING STUPID I am going to kill myself as I can no longer believe anyone trust anyone nothing so why live no point in it, I give up |
English | All bad choices know my situation isn't as bad as other s but I'm just fucking miserable I told myself that when I left high school I would start uni to pursue a legal career then I got cold feet at the last minute and did nothing That was the worst year of my life working shifty jobs that didn't respect me one with a manager that didn't value the work I put in and another that sexually assaulted me I took a year to work and save but all I did was work for months and left never wanting to work a job again I spent months laying inside just rotting Then something happened I got some energy back I decided I wanted to continue the legal career idea but at a smaller level but I just did it all over again At the last minute I got cold feet and chose no Then a friend suggest I swap enrollment to something else and use that explore I hate it I m weeks behind because of my cold feet I hate every piece of work in the course and it's too late to refund the tuition I put down I'm stuck here being miserable and I'm back to wanting to kill myself again Why do I always dig my own pit |
French | Je vais le faire, j'ai souvent envisagé le suicide, je souffre de dépression et trouver beaucoup de choses difficiles à traiter. Évidemment, je n'ai jamais traversé, je ne suis pas une sorte d'ordinateur fantôme, je pense que cela découle beaucoup de mes années au collège. |
English | I'm pathetic and I hate myself don't want to do this any more I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm like this When I was younger I was really outgoing and friendly but now I'm socially fucking inept I don't talk to anyone or go out I have declined every invitation for over a decade so no one bothers to invite me to things any more I don't answer my phone I don't respond to texts My only close friend since high school I m was online, and he has moved on to real life friends, so I'm just completely alone now I don't know how to talk to people I don't like being drunk or high because I feel paranoid and out of control and like I'm going to do something embarrassing I don't even know what people my age do together any more besides go out drinking Anything I can think of to go out and do for fun requires at least one friend to be with me and I don't even have that I just moved far from home because I thought it would force me to get out and meet people but now I'm even lonelier than before because I don't even have my family around I just sit in my room watching Netflix and eating I'm pretty sure I have binge-eating disorder because all I want to do is eat all day long I look at pictures of myself from a couple of years ago, and I was so cute and now I'm a big fat miserable lump My life is pathetic and I'm too far behind to fix it I don't want to live like this anymore |
English | I don't think I can keep this up any longer For a couple of months now I have been thinking about my life What have I done what i haven't done what it could be in the future And I can help it but feel like there isn't a purpose anymore Living feels like a useless painful existence I'm a year old I shouldn't be like that but fuck me I cannot do this any more I haven't got anyone to talk about it either I tried to i talked with a would say close friend of mine, and he gave me the Things would get better don't worry and Come on it's not that bad Something that didn't really help much I don't know what would help I used to be an absolute asshole most of the people I know hated breathing the same air as me, I saw that so I decided that I will become a better man a better person And it worked People did change their opinion of me But that didn't really help I enjoy it when I can be of help I feel somewhat useful The problem is that I can't help myself I don't know what I want I don't know what I'm going to do I mean I know I think that it's my only option to get out of the mess my life is I know that it would hurt the people around me but I have no other choice I hope that with time they would understand They would do fine without me anyway I never really connected with them Most of the time my group of friends talk and do stuff I'm not particularly good at like writing and reading poetry books and so on and so forth I try to participate but I still feel like a dumbass whenever I do They are not particularly interested in mine don't blame em TBH my interests are video games playing them and making them and cooking Not that interesting I don't have a girlfriend No girl would fancy me probably for the best I can only imagine how much of a bad company I am Family is all over the place they don't like me, I don't like them Not sure where I'm going with this I just want some help There are people that are in worse situations I know but I really cannot do this anymore |
English | I don't feel good about anything I've done nor do I have any hope for the future will be shortly I am still in college I've always hated school and have been suicidal for almost years In middle school they told me it would get better in HS they told me it would get better in College and in College they are telling me it will get better when I have a job But I feel like I m in a no win situation I am getting a biology degree which seems to require a PhD to get a job that pays more than a UPS driver I don't have the grades research or motivation to get a PhD However I feel like I've sacrificed everything to get this degree and I've lost it all I wanted to drop out of HS and join the military buy a house and use the GI bill to get a technical degree Right now I am a full-time student I serve in the reserves and volunteer at a clinic However it seems like anytime I do something good I can't experience it without thinking about all the shitty things I've done in the past and how shitty I think I am right now I hate myself because when I was HS I got good grades, but I hung out with the wrong crowd, and we did things like egging random people s houses and stuff I feel badly about that now Also right now my parents are paying for the part of tuition that is not covered by grants and my rent This is pretty common for the town I grew up in but it makes me feel extremely guilty and unaccomplished Yet I don't really appreciate it at all It almost seems like a burden because I never really wanted to go to a year college but since it's free and my parents highly encouraged me to go when I graduated HS I reluctantly went to school I've never once in my life really felt that I could be myself Girls have asked me on dates and I've declined sex while lying in bed with girls because I feel like I will be a disappointment So basically I'm staying alive for what So I can maybe get a shitty job that will hardly cover my living expenses I've thought about transferring to active duty after college or applying to be a civilian contractor but I don't think working hours is going to help me overcome this depression Also I hardly have any friends I've lost most of my HS friends and my friends in college seem superficial It seems most of the people I meet here all think they are super special and I just end up keeping to myself I feel like I would have a better life if I just did what I wanted I spend so much time regretting my decisions and just realizing that when I graduate I'll be viewed as a failure because I won't have any money or a job There is so much I want to do sometimes but at the same time I don't see how any of it matters I haven't gotten on a plane in the last years without praying that it crashed I enjoy running and that's about it |
French | Pas encore s'il vous plaît, je ne peux pas Un autre ami à moi dit qu'ils vont se tuer ce que je fais Beaucoup de choses se sont passées ces derniers temps mon esprit est plein de pensées qui vont à la vitesse de l'éclair en essayant de comprendre tout ce qui se passe en ce moment, mais je ne peux pas sentir que je ne peux pas l'aider comme je ne pouvais pas aider un autre de mes amis. |
English | I need to help This isn't my first Reddit post but I'm using a throwaway account because if this comes back to me, it will have implications I'm going to have to be vague in some areas because I m terrified that someone I know will see this and know who it is Anyway I've been miserable for years now I graduated and got the job I wanted but aside from that I've made no progress in my life I m in my s I've never had a girlfriend I've made a few friends along the way but they've all just drifted away probably in no small part because I m crap at social interaction but probably not helped by the fact that I move with my job every year or so at the moment and I don't get a lot of choice in that matter I have nobody I mean literally nobody If you asked me to name a friend I'd draw a blank When I had to sign my tenancy I didn't even have anyone who could countersign aside from my family If I go through my last called phone numbers I have my parents a list of cold callers and a few people from work who I phoned purely to discuss business I don't have any plans when I'm not at work I don't leave the house I don't go anywhere I sometimes go and visit my family on the weekend a few hundred miles away but even then I'm just hanging out with them rather than meeting any friends from home I've had one night out in the last two years with work colleagues which has been the totality of my social life in that time I've tried to get out there but I've ended up becoming more and more of a recluse I can barely interact with any business without ending up lodging a complaint and I'm getting sick and tired of having to deal with crap customer service and people blaming me for their mistakes I'm getting terrified of speaking to people in general as a result of this This has been my life for a few years and usually I can cover this up by saying that work is my raison d’être I usually enjoy my work and rely on that to get through my life But now work s collapsed around me as well and this is where I have to be especially vague There s been an incident at work that I've been involved in and it's big My bosses are telling me that I'm not to blame but I'm sure they'll throw me under the bus if they have the opportunity to do so to save their own backsides I recently found out that they did try and do this to me a few months ago and failed and I wasn't aware of it until well after it had been wrapped up I don't really trust anyone now It s taken me a long time to post this because every time I try and open up to people I get called every name under the sun It s all my fault that I m in this situation I appreciate that I'm a pushover I'm a wimp and I'm an absolute cunt of a person I know this now This is the life I have chosen But I'm still fucking terrified because I have a plan for suicide It's not an easy plan and of course I'm not going to share it with anyone in case I give anyone any ideas But it's a plan I came up with on Saturday night and one that is achievable And that's closer than I've ever been before I've had brief thoughts about driving into oncoming cars and throwing myself in front of trains and other stupid shit like that but they've always been brief thoughts lasting seconds I've never actually thought something through to this extent I don't have anywhere to turn to Family are too far away and they'll just get upset and blame me I have no friends as I've already said If I go through work it'll become a big thing that will impede or even end my career and give me less of a reason to live I'll never get an appointment with a doctor and they'll probably just put me back on fluoxetine which didn't really do anything last time I had it I just weaned myself off it several years ago I'm sorry to have just poured out but I need to write this somewhere |
French | Comment puis-je parler à mon petit ami de mes sentiments suicidaires J'ai eu des problèmes avec la coupe au cours des deux dernières années et j'ai tenté de me suicider une fois que je suis très heureux que cela n'ait pas fonctionné, mais parfois les sentiments reviennent, et je veux juste mettre fin à tout Quand cela arrive, j'essaie de parler à mon petit ami d'un peu moins d'un an, il ne m'aide vraiment pas beaucoup. |
French | a fait mal Tout fait mal J'ai coupé les marques de l'automutilation |
French | Quand j'étais au lycée, je me suis dit que si ma vie ne s'améliorait pas au moment où je me tournais, je me tuerais et que pour la première fois de ma vie, je saurais ce que c'était de ne pas vouloir me tuer. |
English | Would this count as a suicide attempt I was cutting my wrists last night and I was trying to cut deep enough to hit a vein I wanted to die I wasn't directly trying to kill myself but I was hoping I would, I cut pretty deep but didn't hit my vein like I was hoping i don't know if it really counts as an attempt though because i didn't hit the vein |
English | If my school doesn't close from Monday on i ll kill myself on Halloween just can't take it anymore and school makes it so much worse I have piles of unfinished work but I can't deal with all of this any more I have a plan for my suicide i m currently writing my last notes for my family etc. Maybe when I become just another part of some statistic in the end I'll finally contribute something to this world stay safe y all |
French | Je n'ai pas d'avenir, alors quel est l'intérêt de ce programme d'aimant stupide que ma mère m'a forcé à être là où je dois littéralement prendre une application et honorer les mathématiques là où les mathématiques sont ma matière préférée et celle où je fais le pire, je n'ai littéralement jamais réussi un cours de mathématiques au lycée et j'aime l'anglais, mais le programme d'aimant est littéralement le contraire de ce que je suis. |
English | Here's my rant about being miserable and depressed It helps to write it out even if it makes me cry more Basically everyone but my boyfriend and parents think I'm pretty much fine including my professors school friends My boyfriend knows I'm extremely depressed and suicidal and my parents know I'm as bad as I was when I was which implies the same My therapist probably knows I'm suicidal, but I promised myself years ago when it was this bad before I'd never go to a mental hospital again voluntarily because it's extremely traumatic for me, I stopped seeing her because I don't want her to involuntarily commit me Specifically going between now and early January is an over my dead body type option because I've been procrastinating grad school applications and need to finish them all by early January Going to the mental hospital literally rips away my support system and coping mechanisms completely such as talking to my boyfriend going on Reddit playing video games listening to people on discord sleeping as much as I want eating food I like etc. The hospital also makes it, so I might not be able to graduate from college on time or get bad grades which would mean I'd have to reapply to graduate programs which would be enough to make me actually do it I'm a good student and have a and an in my major which is great I have a really competitive internship in my field of study lined up for the spring in addition to my prior related work experience I love my field and feel like I'm actually helping people My professors love me and almost all of them are willing to give me a letter of recommendation for grad school which is great The problem is no one would fucking believe that I'm constantly suicidal and taking a semester off isn't an option I have a disability hearing or whatever it's called in March I'm scared it's going to come out that I'm very suicidal and I'll be sent off to the hospital again Like I m in a catch be re traumatized and potentially have to go to the hospital again and not graduate on time or have them not understand the gravity of the situation The guy who's the judge clearly doesn't get mental health stuff in my opinion based on previous times I've talked with him, It's like either go full MEET be hospitalized not regulate myself, and they take me seriously or try to make a future for myself and be less suicidal, and they don't take me seriously at all Being able to hold down easy credits of coursework that requires maybe hours of work a day and hrs a week internship isn't the same as being able to hold down an hour a week job My boyfriend is fucking incredible and the most supportive person aside from my parents I've ever met I can't imagine life without him The problem is I feel so utterly inadequate because he has a physical disability that makes it, so I have to do a lot of the chores like taking out the trash doing dishes etc. yet I have fucking meltdowns that I can't control like crying fits if I m asked to do almost anything most of the time I get so short with him and lose it over tint stuff because I'm so constantly miserable It's not intentional at all, and I love him so much and do my best to be supportive of him I'm so afraid of losing him, yet I can't fucking control myself He can work and stuff thankfully at least and works in a well paying industry that he is really talented at I've probably gained lbs in years easily from depression eating I went from pretty toned hourglass shape lifting weights x a week and walking tons around lbs at and about a size to now maybe a size x and lbs I'm covered in unappealing stretch marks I haven't brushed my hair in a month or two so it's extremely tangled and knotted I struggle to brush my teeth I wear dirty clothes for weeks at a time I shower maybe once every three weeks I wish I was kidding I have very little interest in sex or anything like that, but I try to at least once a week initiate something with my boyfriend because I don't want him to leave me He basically says it's not necessary to do this, but I just don't want him to leave me I have a lot of weed because I m in a legal state temporarily and it's one of the few things that helps I don't take other medication because since covid I literally can't remember to especially not twice a day Also the old medication made me have shitty side effects like being difficult to orgasm sleep hrs a day made me extremely nauseous and didn't really help that much with my mood I've tried basically every medication in the book I have a really weird case and rarely get concrete diagnoses I think I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder if I had to guess after being a former psych major for a while plus the diagnosis I've heard from former psychiatrists But I've also been encouraged to be tested for autism by a psychiatrist which I also think could explain a ton That's basically how I've been doing It kinda helped a little to write out my feelings, so thank you for having this Subreddit I understand if no one responds but thank you if you do |
English | I'm considering suicide but I'm too weak to do IIT s driving me crazy thinking about it all the time |
French | Je ne peux pas dormir toute la nuit en pensant à mon plan pour me tuer Je veux m'enfuir d'abord Je vais probablement retirer tout ce que j'ai de la banque et commencer à marcher aussi loin que je peux de ma ville natale Une fois que je suis allé assez loin Je vais me suicider Je vais probablement penser par overdose ou par suicide ou par d'autres moyens comme ça Et la pensée est juste alléchante Je déteste aussi chaque jour de ma vie |
English | My birthday feel like I'm worthless I spend Christmas Day alone My friends forgot my birthday My family are toxic And I just can't keep being nice to people and having them treat me like this It's destroying me I've tried being alone and changing how I treat people and I don't want any of the options available I haven't felt this low in a few months but I've started making plans and working out who I'll give my dog to so she can have a life that isn't around me where I'm crying constantly I just can't see any light or happiness and I m done trying I'm so low I feel like I'm not enough for anyone no matter what I do, and I can't handle any more people letting me down |
English | Has anyone ever successfully beat severe depression PTSD I feel like I'm going to live like this for a long time and I rather not if there's no way to defeat depression Professional help has done the exact opposite for me and has made me more depressed |
English | Who wants to chat with me really need someone to talk to right now does anyone have the time to chat with me |
French | Aide-moi à ne plus vouloir vivre Et j'allais mettre fin à tout La douleur est trop, et je n'ai même pas de membre de la famille à qui parler Je ne veux pas que mes amis s'inquiètent de moi, j'ai déjà pensé à me tuer avant mais je me suis empêché parce que je voulais vivre pour ma famille Maintenant je veux couper ma famille et les voir comme des étrangers Je ne sais pas quoi faire Je ne veux pas mourir mais je ne le fais de toute façon |
French | Je ne pourrai jamais faire mon travail de rêve à cause de cette putain de pandémie, je voulais être un enseignant, mais je ne peux pas parce que cette pandémie durera putain pour toujours. |
English | Need to die but scared of pain How can I kill myself without too much pain I just really want to die, but I don't feel like going through a bunch of pain I wish I had a gun, so I could just end it quickly |
English | I want to kill myself, but I can't get the courage to do it have been suicidal for years now I think about it every day My friends and family don't believe me I just want to end it and show everyone I'm serious |
French | Je ne peux pas faire ça maintenant Tout semble si lourd Couper ne m'a même pas fait me sentir mieux J'ai envie de sangloter encore une fois Je ne sais pas quoi faire Rien ne va pas C'est tout faux Je ne sais pas ce que j'ai fait C'était si mauvais Je ne voulais pas que tout cela se produise Je suis désolé |
French | J'essaie de faire des progrès Tu dois me croire Je suis vraiment |
English | So i really need some help on this badly Please my friend tried to commit suicide once before he failed Now his girlfriend left him and he's suicidal again I love the kid I don't want him to kill himself it would destroy me The reason for his suicidal thoughts is that he feels alone he can't get a job because he dropped out of high school because of family problems On top of that he's black and as much as people won't admit it people are racist in NY He has no criminal record If anyone I mean anyone knows of a job or place that he can go to please let me know Anything that can keep him occupied volunteering etc. Also anything I should say to him or anything I mean absolutely anything Please come forth Thank you |
English | I just wanted to say the truth somewhere It s been three long years As incredibly as it is I remember few of my childhood Faces people situations it is all gone or at least most of it The only things I remember are those that have been marked into my skull my hysteric mother screaming and tossing things out of the window my psychologically abusive grandparents which raised me alongside my mother and those moments of my child self sitting down in my bedroom floor in a corner talking to some dusty plushy dogs while I cried silently repeating once and over again that they had helped me more than anyone else being my only friends and listeners as well as the only witness of everything I was overall a good child always had the best grades of the class had a good hygiene and was really obedient but my family held high standards for me, They thought of me as someone that had to be good at everything and live up for their expectations either in looks smarts or personality I never thought much of it and lived anxious of being unable to do everything they wanted I had prizes in oratory and sports was liked among teachers learned how to write and read from an early age as well as to speak a foreign language but the truth for most of my childhood was a phrase I once said as a small kid and remains until today There isn't a single day in this house in which I don't cry In secondary school I was physically abused and bullied by my classmates and later on blackmailed and sexually harassed by whom I believed was my best and only friend This alongside my grandmother s scoldings about my lack of guts and the anxiety I built through my childhood resulted in me completely closing to people and slowly but steady losing the few self-esteem I used to have My grades went down problems in home went up I still talked to stuffed animals and toys to calm myself down after the constant fights but also started talking to myself and fearing everyone I never talked to anyone about what was happening and always behaved the same around others because I didn't trusted them after all my family was likely to punish and scold me for whatever problem I had and the only person I opened up to used that to blackmail me This is the first one I'm telling any of this to anyone Soon enough my anxiety grew to the point of paranoia I started locking and blocking my doors with furniture shutting my windows and curtains and even creating improvised mechanisms to alert me if anyone tried to enter while I slept I was scared there were cameras on any photo of my room or my stuffed animals or someone watching me wherever I went hiding on my room or just plainly invisible but watching I started talking to this watching being yelling at it whenever I was alone in my home begging in tears for it to leave me alone I would always sleep with my head looking towards the door never next to a window hiding under piles of sheets and always cornered in some sort as that would leave me vision to all my room closed doors from my closet were also mandatory as I tried to seal them with fabric ribbons thongs or belts I still deal with many of this fears today many years after even when knowing they are plainly irrational Later on I would try to take back my life but ended up taking extreme ideologies that would either deprive me of sleep for months or make me oversleep I went from trying to fill my schedule to keep me busy to do absolutely nothing Neither of those worked As time went by I sank into a worrying depression to the point that even my family started to get worried I would not laugh nor smile and was generally apathetic towards others I stopped doing anything I liked I stopped talking to people and would live making self depreciating comments regarding my lack of usefulness or my constant desire to die So far I have written about suicide letters some which I keep on my phone in case I get to do it someday and others I have destroyed in fear of my mother finding out I generally hate myself and my life even though I'm economically relaxed I hate that even though I can overall excel in anything with minimum effort I am unable to bring myself to like anything enjoy anything or even try harder Nothing brings me joy anymore and each day that passes I realize that I start to think more and more about suicide Many days I've had impulses to throw myself off the window walk into the highway repeatedly hit my head with a wall until I pass out hang myself with the laundry rope shoot myself stab myself overdose or simply wish to not wake up next time I sleep I don't know what has been keeping me away from that either those really wholesome YouTube comments on songs to cope with depression the idea of never eating a hot pizza while playing D amp D again or maybe how traumatic would be for my sister to see her older sibling hanging from the pi ATA pulley in the front door when she comes back from school And to be fair I like the idea of being alive I like this little pleasures that I feel once or twice in a month a cup of hot chocolate when my mind is not overwhelming me the smile of my far living brother when I see him talking with such enthusiasm about the future of mankind or my own unreachable desires I think of myself of someone that never really grew up that is still a dreamer that is still amazed by simple things as rain or snow and that wants to love things wants to love life and be better that never ceases to be amazed by learning new and little things and that really deep down really desires to become a scientist to try and do something for this race I am still here my wishes and hopes are still here but I feel how they are slowly being taken away by anxiety and self-hate how depression is winning I would love to go back on time and hug my year old self tell her that she is loved that someone cares and to please hang on please hang on to your dreams And even today I try to imagine myself finally doing what I want being who I want and it brings tears to my eyes So many obstacles so many possibilities I have let slide because all my problems And yet this little spark is still in here keeping me alive telling me to hand on I don't know what will happen to me but for anyone that has come this far whatever you are going through please you to hang on You are loved you are cared for you are necessary I love you Even if you think you don't think you need it even if you don't know me I love you for being human I love you for trying to seek for a breath I love you for being alive I love you for having come this far That you are is enough for me to love you Please for yourself for your true self without so many problems and complications for your dreams for your aspirations for what you once were or will be please look yourself in the mirror and say it to yourself I too love you |
English | Suicide hotline made me more suicidal ve been on off suicidal for a very long time and in and out of hospitalization and I got quarantined a couple of days ago which is just Not Good for my mental health I reached out to a local suicide hotline chat because the calling option was closed And I wrote how I was feeling This counselor who is hired to talk to suicidal people told me to call my counselors I said I was too tired to call anyone and all I wanted to do was die but my friends had convinced me to call out to this service I also said I don't think just calling them is going to help because it hasn't for the last year they just numb the thoughts with some temporary medication and then it's back She said you don't know that I said all I feel right now is that I'm scared what if I fail WHEN I try this time She said I hope you get more energy and I wish you a good night Goodbye And ended the chat I haven't done anything yet but That stuck with me If they can't even be bothered to talk to me who will She just Ended the chat there |
French | Donc, je suis et j'ai eu des pensées suicidaires depuis un certain temps maintenant et j'ai récemment pris la décision de me tuer pour de multiples raisons e g abus parental abus d'enseignant et d'intimidation de toute façon je ne suis pas ici pour exprimer mes émotions ou quoi que ce soit que j'ai lu sur de nombreux sites que le suicide par le monoxyde de carbone est assez indolore j'ai donc esquissé un plan d'inhalation |
English | Nothing is stopping me have no friends all of them tell me that my depression is fake and that I just want attention I don't know what to do anymore I don't have anything any more I have no reason to keep going I have no reason to wake up everyday I've tried committing suicide a handful of times but it never works out So if I ever do it let this be my goodbye note |
French | Je suis fucking fait avec ma vie tout ensemble maintenant je vais finir ma vie tout ensemble demain je ne suis pas JOKING plus j'avais fuck assez fuck tout ce que je suis |
French | quel est un bon moyen de vous tuer quelque chose de préférence rapide ou indolore |
French | Éviter de mettre des affaires afin de m'arrêter Je suppose que je ne veux pas vraiment mourir Il suffit de détester ma vie et hanté par des souvenirs, etc. Quoi qu'il en soit, il y a des choses que je dois trier Bien se débarrasser de quelques objets personnels, etc. Ecrire les notes Je m'arrête de faire cela, mais les deux derniers jours, j'ai mis une pensée sérieuse en eux se rapprochant Je suppose |
French | Comment quelqu'un peut-il être suicidaire tout en souhaitant être immortel J'ai souvent des souhaits Je pourrais être immortel, mais j'ai toujours des schémas de pensée suicidaire Comment cela peut-il être |
French | Je veux parler J'ai besoin d'amis |
French | null |
English | When does the failure stop obligatory apology for the wall of text posted from mobile I always see these motivational posts that say Failure is the first step to success but it always seems like I never reach the success part I'm constantly failing and never seeing any benefit of my effort and it's frustrating and has shaped a very nihilistic world view for me, It s been this way since I was a small child Maybe failure leading to success is natural for normal people and I'm just too stupid to actually succeed at anything I think my brain is broken I make mistakes constantly, and consistently I just can't seem to do the things that other people do In times of hardship I always used to use the quote Sucking at something is the first step at being perfect at something But for me, it seems that I just suck at the thing I'm doing and just never get better at it This encompasses all aspects of my life I can't follow directions adequately and usually result in pissing off everyone around me especially the people I care about I try to think that people s worth aren't their societal productivity but at the end of the day it sucks to know that I'm useless to society and a burden on everyone I care about I can't learn things like others do and I don't mean I'm just a little slow I actually never learn them I could do the same task a million times and never improve at it, I just keep making the same mistakes in different variations Any skill I've ever tried has resulted in failure every single time Don't even get me started on high school People have lost their temper with me many times because I'm just too stupid to understand them Too stupid to do the simplest of things I've been told that I should have never been born and that people like me should be euthanized I don't advocate that but I'm honestly considering the validity in the first claim My parents weren't mentally sound people and being put on earth like this seems like some kind of sick joke The utter frustration I cause people is unfair I feel like most people would be very relieved to have me gone like an incessant ringing in their ears finally ceasing after so many years They wouldn't have to put up with my stupidity any more They could find other people who love them and can actually support them they way they need to be supported They wouldn't have to drag the weight of an annoying sniveling child who gets in the way when they have actual goals they need to accomplish They wouldn't be trapped with me any more I want to leave It's clear that people don't want me here and I've overstayed my welcome I didn't even ask to be here in the first place I want to apologize to everyone I've inconvenienced I hope they would forgive me for causing them so much graph and forever coming into their lives I admit to my mistakes Every last one of them I never wanted to be like this it was never my choice I want to stop annoying everyone I want to stop being in pain I know that I was never supposed to be born and existing is morally unfair It's unfair to me and society I may not want it to end this way but I know that the most ethically sound thing to do is die I'm selfish for not doing it sooner |
English | Ten years of abuse and all I can think is that maybe ending my life will open their eyes It s been almost ten years since I was first raped at From to I was raped and emotionally abused Since then I've done a lot to try and recover try and trust again try to love and be loved For a while it worked I've tried again and again to let people get close and to I've tried to love but every time I do my lover leaves me or cheats on me Two years ago I was pregnant but didn't know until I miscarried and it took a serious toll on my mental health when they would be father stopped talking to me, It took about a year before I opened up again In October when I did finally feel like I was in love again I found out I pregnant with twins and I had an abortion A week ago they would be father of that pregnancy stopped talking to me out of nowhere with no explanation I finally broke down and contacted one of his best friends to ask if he was ok, and he told me that his daughter was born days ago He hid it from me the entire time I've tried so hard to march on putting my baggage beside me but after years of constant abuse I just want to die I can't imagine a future where this doesn't repeat itself over and over again And just maybe if I were to kill myself maybe they could see the impact that they've wrecked on my psyche I'm in so much pain and I can't cope any more EDIT I replied to the friend who I contacted now he blocked me I feel especially defeated now He was a mutual friend of years |
French | Je me sens vide Tout le monde me déteste Je vais probablement me tuer bientôt Ce n'est pas comme si tout le monde se souciait de moi De toute façon Aux yeux de tout le monde, je sais que je suis un échec Peut-être qu'ils seraient tous plus heureux avec moi parti |
English | Considering doing it in a few days just feel so alone I think my emotional need can never be fulfilled I went to visit my parents for a month i m still at their place I just feel so far away from them, We have nothing to talk about when i m with them, it feels awkward I hate my sister and her girlfriend not really her girlfriend but considering the amount of time she is at my parent s house it might as well be her girlfriend and they hate me back I never go out with friends the only people I get to talk to its only written Sometimes when I try to see people it's only awkward I hate living alone and being alone yet I have to stay alone most of the time I don't think I have the courage to go back to school next week |
English | Went as far as to hold k mg of ibuprofen to my lips and still couldn't do it just want it to be over |
English | If not even i m not okay being me it s time to leave suicide date is this Saturday today is may the on a Monday I came out as liking girls last year nobody knows I might be non-binary just that word makes me want to puke I hate having my hair long wearing feminine things and my chest makes me really uncomfortable and insecure I don't go outside without wearing hoodies I feel disgusting weird and like there s something significantly wrong with me, I can't handle the hate from myself and almost everyone around me the thought of coming out like that makes me want to die I can't live like that like me living makes both myself and everyone else in my life so uncomfortable I hate myself so much I can't handle it anymore i m going to kill myself sometime this week |
French | Les heures qui restent jusqu'à ce que ça arrive me tueront si ça me stresse que je n'ai pas dormi en mangeant bien à cause de ça je ne mérite pas de vivre |
French | Je ne sais pas ce que je suis devenu, mais je veux juste y mettre fin, je suis sur un jetable, car je ne veux pas que mon compte principal soit chargé avec des choses de personne, j'ai eu la dépression depuis que je suis en train de tourner et au cours de cette période de temps, j'ai toujours voulu mettre fin à ma vie pendant d'innombrables moments de counseling, j'ai été tellement mal à la maison. |
French | Je ne peux pas gérer la réalité avoir à passer toute la journée à essayer de me distraire parce qu'une fois que je me souviens de ce qui se passe et ce que ma vie est je veux mourir je ne sais pas comment garder la réalité à la baie je suis si seul je n'ai pas d'amis et personne ne veut être mon ami je suis fatigué d'être rejeté je dois maintenant regarder la fille que je suis en train de tomber quelqu'un d'autre |
French | Pourquoi devrais-je continuer à essayer Je déteste Je suis même en train de taper cette tête me crie dessus en me disant que je mens Je suis habituée à ce que j'ai passé toute ma vie à travailler pour me retenir Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée Je suis désolée |
French | J'ai eu peur d'être rabaissé au sol et moqué même par mes parents qui le verraient comme une excuse pour ne pas grandir j'ai pris une bouteille de somnifères j'ai eu l'impression que j'avais la nuit dernière j'ai eu ce que je pouvais décrire comme une expérience hors du corps j'ai dû écouter ma liste de lecture je l'ai fait dormir j'ai eu l'impression que j'avais |
French | Je souffre tellement que mon cœur me fait tellement mal que je ne peux pas respirer, je ne peux pas m'arrêter de pleurer, je ne peux pas dormir, je veux juste me réveiller ok ou ne pas me réveiller du tout |
English | How to I rebuild I asked my friend to describe the night he randomly came over to my place and found me trying to overdose I remembered very little from the night and wanted to try and piece together the parts nearly a year later so I can try and rebuild my self Here is what he sent me and I've got to be honest it's just reminded me of how willing I was to pass and now I'm just angry and upset that it didn't work It was all to do with Ex girlfriend who cheated me and left me in stupid amounts of debt I walked in, and you are listening to Lil Peep but the version you d done Proper deep lyrics You was zoned out Completely vacant Non-responsive but awake Covered in vomit Off your head Flat trashed throwing up blood You d given up You didn't want help I rang you an ambulance You refused to go with them, You said you was scared of me because I was being passive-aggressive because I was demanding to know where your stash was And I was shouting You thought I was going to kill you was that far gone You lied to me about not having any and you d taken them all Until I went to roll a CIG and found a bag of Fans in a pot And I snatched them, and you begged me to give them back you got angry at me for refusing I couldn't help you I had to ring an ambulance At that point I genuinely thought you'd have done anything to get those fans back, and you had a blade next to you So I snatched your flat keys as well and took the bag and locked you inside whilst I rang an ambulance It was heavy shit bro You had completely given up Since that night I've moved got clean become a manager of a campsite at the side of the biggest lake in Italy and started earning more money than I ever thought possible for myself Yet I still can't look people in the eye or develop a genuine connection with another human being It makes me so sad because I know I have fight in me to achieve good things but at the same time every single thing I do just feels so pointless even when I'm having complete fun Am I a lost cause or is there steps I can take on top of medication and therapy |
English | I just need someone to talk to man is kicking my ass so bad I got laid off in November and a pregnancy wouldn't allow me to work until now I got the call that I'm going back to work starting Saturday but what's the use Unemployment didn't pay enough to make rent and bills social assistance won't help me BECAUSE I'm receiving Unemployment and I was given the have days to pay your rent or I start the eviction process notice from the landlord After waiting for a late payment of Unemployment to come in and my husband and I taking everything of value to us PS Switch and even his guitar to the pawn shop we're a solid short on rent with no income in sight for the remaining days we have to pay I put my name out for emergency commissions as I figure people might go for it but in all honesty no one has Another bomb dropped on me today was that this flu my year-old daughter has had for a few days now is actually Scarlet Fever Who gets scarlet fever Is this the s What happens if my newborn son catches it from her Is this year the year I lose a child and face my biggest and deepest fear IDK man I just wish this year would stop kicking my ass I just needed to tell the world |
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French | null |
French | Je n'ai plus rien qui vaille la peine de vivre, j'ai été assaillie par beaucoup de problèmes dans ma vie et il y a une partie de moi qui veut vivre et il y a une partie qui veut mourir je veux encore accepter les problèmes je veux simplement disparaître ou ne plus jamais mourir je veux que les parents m'aient fait souffrir je vais me perdre je vais me battre je vais me battre je vais me battre je vais me battre |
English | No one ever picks up Whenever I need help people just post the Hotline number Yet when I call no one ever picks up Is there no point then I just want a hug and someone to tell me it's going to be okay that I'm not a failure I can't even commit suicide right |
French | J'ai vraiment besoin de quelqu'un à qui parler, je sais que cela semble stupide, mais j'ai parlé à un ami de mes pensées suicidaires, et elle a dit que je peux lui envoyer un message quand je veux parler, mais j'ai de l'anxiété et j'ai l'impression que je lui mets un fardeau en lui envoyant un message. |
English | I see life as a pointless sequence of actions and it bothers me So basically Why do we live at all If we cut off all religious things we will be left with live to be happy and make others happy or live to reproduce and make sure next generation lives in a good world bullshit Why do I so skeptic Because science has found the meaning of life in it's purest form to reproduce We live to reproduce We suffer to reproduce so new ones could suffer for the same thing And all happy things we have in life is either something we found or created just to justify our lives and distract ourselves from the painful truth The world itself is meaningless and exists just to exist and die like everything does Yes I do enjoy life sometimes and everything but it's just a chemical reaction and kind of stopgap And at the end of the day Life still bothers me my life situation bothers me my future bothers me Despite the fact that I know it's pointless worthless and meaningless gt Why do we still here Just to suffer gt You feel it too don't you |
French | Je viens de découvrir que je peux surdosage sur mes médicaments contre les allergies soooogoodbye |
English | I've been thinking ve been with my bf for years The other weekend he told me that if I died it wouldn't matter bc I'm a stay at home mom with zero financial stability I had our car for one month He bought a truck and I had the car for months, so I could do things with our babies like the water park and library and eat out His truck he bought Dodge Ram from a dealership in clear lake TX engine blew and he's still paying for it, He hates me I hate me I've been drinking but it's also like he won't even talk to me, We haven't had sex in a month because we live in a room section of his dads house, and we have babysitters, but he picked up kids early and won't let them leave and blah |
French | Je veux juste que ce soit fini, je n'ai rien apprécié depuis des années et tout ce que je fais toute la journée, c'est rester au lit, je me déteste et je déteste que je sois toujours en vie La seule chose qui me retient à ce stade, c'est de savoir à quel point ça ferait mal à mes parents. |
French | Une tentative de suicide ratée Je ne sais pas comment me sentir C'était déclenché par quelqu'un qui me jetait quelque chose de traumatisant au visage J'ai pris un tas de médicaments devinez que ce n'était pas mon heure mais je me sens juste vide et vide à l'intérieur Comment pouvez-vous commencer à revenir à une sorte de normalité |
French | Date de naissance avec la même date de mort serait cool s mon bday mais je veux sérieusement me suicider comment puis-je éviter de le faire |
English | I can't take this no more the agony is killing me LONG STORY SHORT So my name is Alfred Florin and I have been suffering from OCD pure o since I was I am now From a very young age I shook hands with OCD and had anxiety problems but they were not a big deal it was present or days then it would go away without a huge effort When I was the sickness struck hard and I felt its presence so hard like it was a possession I will get there too but now let s continue the story My first OCD encounter was when I have stepped on a guy s foot when I was I guess You may be wondering what's wrong with that or what that means Well in Romania there is an urban myth it goes like this if you step on someone s foot and that person doesn't step on your back your mother dies Well there were many people around me because it was the mayor election that day, and after I have stepped on that guy s foot I couldn't figure where he went cause it happened fast, and then he disappeared in the crowd in an instant Well when I got home I thought at the fact that my mom could be dead because I have stepped on that guy s foot I wasn't really scared or anything just a little worried I know it's stupid even for a year old but yeah Well I guess hours passed, and I started thinking in that obsessive way that my mom will die and etc. bad thoughts my chest started burning and everything I would say to fight it back I couldn't get me to believe that it's not real I have started crying, and the pain made me feel like my life was ruined Well it passed really soon I guess the next day I was kind of ok I DID NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT After that experience till age I had various experiences like that one, but it did not bother me on the long run Let me give some examples I was thinking at biomechanics and had some repetitive body movements I couldn't stop from doing them until I felt like I had hit the right spot or the movement was the right one I once SAE a really f coed up thing on a website it was a soup made of a fetus Well after I saw that my mind started telling me that I would enjoy it and would like to eat it And I couldn't stop from imagining myself from eating it even though I hated these images it was pure hell because I was a religious person and that made me feel like I had let God down Whenever I would go to church I would imagine Jesus and Mary having sex and I just couldn't stop thinking, and I would get images and mind movies and I would just leave church feeling like CRAP It made me feel like I was such a bad person, and I was actually crippled by these thoughts, but it went off really fast, and it did not affect my life on the long run I repeat I had periods when I would feel bad and depressed and felt an ache in my chest, and it was just like my soul hurt not my chest I was really emotional all of a sudden I would get scared easily and cry really fast Let me talk to you about age I had a friend at that did not believe in Jesus and we would argue all day long about religious stuff and I was explaining to him thing every single day about hours a day every damn day and that caused me a lot of stress, but I really wanted to help him and I felt like it was my duty to stop his tears with the help of God Well one day I was sitting at my computer and one of his questions about god popped into my head I have tried to answer it myself but I couldn't get the answer right so I have searched it on Google saw different responses but guess what not a single answer made me feel ok I felt a thirst of truth and the next minutes my chest lighted up little by little and the pain was getting stronger I was searching and searching for an answer and guess what That question transformed into questions per second In my mind I felt a tornado of questions making my soul and my brain hurt like no other thing in this world That day I have spent it wandering the streets because I just couldn't sit still My chest and soul were on fire and my mind was full of questions I was walking like a mad man and looking straight into nothingness while walking and trying to give myself an answer to all the questions while slowly starting to realize that I was going to hell because I started doubting God and its works and that made my chest EXPLODE and I have burst into tears and the biggest and baddest panic attack I have ever experienced and the first My mom came home from work, and I was keep telling her that my soul aches, and I do not know what to do she was distressed by my situation, but she was thinking that it's only a teenage thing, and it will pass Nighttime came and the pain and question were just king of gone, but they were omnipresent Before bed I was a disaster I got down on my knees and prayed like tomorrow was the end of days but the next day the same thing happened It got to the point that I had to sleep with my mom and listen to the radio all night long and all day long just not to hear BRAIN THAT WAS TELLING ME THAT I WAS GOING TO HELL AND I HAD IMAGES OF ME BURNING IN HELL GLUED TO MY MIND AND SOUL Well It went like this for months until my father came home from abroad and went with me to a psychiatrist and thing went ok for a while but that psychiatrist did not care about me, and it took years for me to understand that it was wrong seeing her She gave me the same pills all these years, and we never did therapy, but I had a fear of leaving the treatment behind and leaving my psychiatrist because I thought no one would understand, and I continued on for years the fifth year I was off oils off seeing a psychiatrist etc. while I was seeing the psychiatrist everything was bad, but it was bearable My life was shit, but I could cope with it In these years I have been through all the branches of OCD I had HOLD phobias Religious OCD blah blah I guess I had tasted all of it The Hold wrecked my life, but I went through it like a champ This last year the fifth I met Laura and my new OCD chapter began RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY IS MY PRIMARY ENEMY NOW It's not like I don't have the scars of my other OCD episodes I still was depressed angry and full of pain when I met her but one thing I wasn't Hopeless I had a hope that I would get better I have met her march she was different she had sexual some really colorful sexual experiences, and she seamed slutty She was talking to me about her sexual past and black men in her life and how she cheated on her ex because she was horny and stuff We kissed one night and I saw something in her something special even if she talked like she did, but I like her as a person she was funny, and she had a nice personality We were together and one day I just couldn't stop thinking at these men she has been with and how she talked to me about them and my OCD started kicking after months in the relationship my OCD came in and ruined us in a way I was unable to please her sexual unable to kiss her It got to the point where I wanted to break up because of it And I was at inch of doing it but we got through it, and we were kind of ok not good but ok Well we were together I was getting ready for an exam in August when I found put that she cheated o me in June with her ex Alien several times in that month, and they have been talking from some time I guess they started talking in April after I have found that in August I forgave her and was strict with her for a month so she would understand that she did wrong, and it wrecked our relationship In that period an anger lighted up in me AI started talking to my ex too but nothing romantic or so just random talk I did not touch her or anything I have stopped talking to her at the middle of September because I feel like that anger wasn't doing me any good and I need to forgive her Well everything went really well until I found out that she has been in a club one night on the date of of September, and she went with her best friend that recently got into a relationship guess with whom the dude with she cheated on her ex Alien with he's called Paul she went to the club with Paul her best friend Andrea and Theodor a dude with she has been seeing while she was in a relationship with her ex That night she got drunk she did drugs, and she asked Theodor why did we stop seeing each other and when he left she asked are you leaving my here with these crazies Paul and Andrea at the end of the night she was spitted on by a dude because she intervened while he was shouting at Paul that he wants to fight him and Laura said fight me the spitted her Theodor said Laura asked him to come back and take her back home to chill but she said that it is not true She lied to me about many things and I don't know what to believe I forgave her but after that night My OCD started wrecking my life again After I found this I contacted my ex and slept with her put of anger I did it with her twice and I regret it because I did not feel anything for her Laura found, and she got over it Problem is we are ok with a new start though I don't trust her like some time ago, and I can't stop asking her questions and details about her past and she's cheating me how she did it why minor details anything I get an answer I feel better for an hour then it kicks again, and I can't stop getting mental movies and images and hearing things about her and other man about her and Theodor Alien Paul and etc. I really need to get back on track, but it seems really hard I have told her that in order for this to work she needs to stop talking to other men going to club STOL doing this stop doing that etc. is it right What am I doing I will go to a specialist who really cares but until then Please help me every word matters please tell me if my relationship is worth anything Would you forgive what would you do I just can't stop getting images and my brain tells me that she betrayed me twice not just once with Alien but twice with that night in the club and that I am not good enough and my self-esteem is wrecked I can't even go for a walk cause every time I do I see someone more muscular or more attractive than me in any way my OCD tells me that my girlfriend will like him because he is better or that she look at him and admires him AI get really jealous, and I lock myself into a shell Sometimes I feel like I am just like a little a wounded boy who just wants to be understood and loved and it's hard because we live in a really plastic and harsh world Nobody cares about feeling no more, and we all chase the money like hell Sorry for the grammar mistakes if you spot some, but I am not well Thanks for reading |
French | Qu'est-ce que c'est que d'aller hospitalisé m juste au bout de ma corde, j'ai été ici quelques fois, mais je ne sais pas quoi faire de plus, j'ai échoué une tentative plus tôt et je ne peux tout simplement pas m'arrêter de pleurer ou de frapper ma tête dans le mur en espérant que je reçois une commotion cérébrale ou me frapper au moins peut-être assez de dommages au cerveau que je vais arrêter de me sentir comme ça. |
English | I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do I keep thinking about killing myself I have been on Lexa pro for anxiety and depression for about months now and recently stopped taking them due to running out of refills I have not taken them in about a week when I am used to taking them daily I have never felt so horrible in my entire life I've called my pharmacy and asked them to refill it, but they cannot because my psychiatrist has not responded to them, I called my psychiatrist and left a massage with her in hopes she'll get back to me soon but I feel like I'm losing my fucking shit I had a complete mental shut down last Tuesday and laid motionless and basically comatose crying naked on my bathroom floor for an hour before my boyfriend found me and put me in my bed and tried taking care of me It took me several hours to start talking and be normal again These past two days in particular have been so difficult I feel like I have no control over my emotions or thoughts The voices inside my head are constantly screaming these horrible things at me, it's like I'm living the intro to BoJack Horseman s Stupid Piece of Sh t episode with his inner monologue I feel like I have rat shit for brains and I feel so uneasy, and I can't make myself stable I'm so terrified, and I constantly keep thinking about killing myself I don't actually want to die, but I can't make myself stop and it's destroying me I'm trying desperately to cope, but I quite literally cannot scrounge up any functioning ounce of myself to do, so I've made an appointment with a local counseling center and am I hoping they'll be getting back to me soon I just need to be back on my medication before I fall completely off the deep end If anyone has any advice on how to try to and cope and how to try and stabilize my thoughts and mood I would greatly appreciate it I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it to the end of the week if I'm like this I'm currently on the phone with a crisis hotline hoping to get something out of it |
English | Suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem Last post I want my quote to resonate with existence itself A lot of people act like they know how you truly feel when in reality they only believe what the majority says, and it then becomes bias These help methods quotes do not apply to this world I find it beyond disrespectful for someone to pretend like they fucking know me and tell me this that add add like some bitch and girls I meet online I've had people tell my that my opinions morals and ideas don't matter and come off as negative so to speak Let s just say I've met many bad people If you re-plan is to argue with someone who want to kill themselves you're practically killing them Not to mention trolls No one will ever know until they feel truly suicidal it's just like eating a coconut or a rare fruit no one is going to realize or give a shit because they're blind to it Anyway the meaning of this post is I'm quitting this sub Reddit my DMs are empty, but I guess that's best I've been in this vicious cycle of no one talking to me but I think it s time to finally cut myself off from the world and trauma This shit has gotten out of hand Just know two things If everyone else does it then I should If everyone else believes it then I should The most hated people in this world were the ones who tried making a difference Demons are all around you remember that Everything is about numbers money fame people groups politics Everything I'll probably delete this soon anyway I regret having any emotion All it brings is hate plus my PMs will be empty, and hopefully they will because it's proof that I'm going I've typed too much and wasted my time FYI I have had no friends or anyone to talk to my entire life Only bad people is all I had Demons When I go it won't make a difference compared to living just saying killing myself won't make any difference I've already ran down every scenario Nothing matters to me Peace to that one person who actually can see these demons |
English | Girlfriend drew a knife Okay so I M met a girl F online last month Things have been going pretty fast we've travelled a lot already and seen each others' family s She mentioned she didn't understand why I was so nice to her that she is crazy etc. She has seen psychologists She seemed a balanced individual but open with her difficulties that come with having a human mind Fair enough Everything was GREAT apart from when one issue was brought up while on holiday porn I expressed my opinion of it that it is like visual cheesecake and is not the same as the real thing and shouldn't take precedence over connection with a partner but it has its place as a masturbation aid for when sex isn't possible She had an extreme reaction and became incredibly distant I agreed to not watch it for the sake of enjoying the rest of the holiday, but after I mentioned that I wasn't happy with her trying to control how I masturbate and be the gatekeeper of my sexuality especially as it does NT involve anyone else We came to an agreement which was minimized it and to not talk about it Which was VERY hard for her, I found this a good agreement But then a week later as I was leaving her place to go to mine we wouldn't see each other until a couple of days She asked if I would save it for her And I replied I probably will Or words to that affect I could tell immediately she wasn't happy, and she started questioning if I had watched porn since the agreement I replied honestly which was a yes And I said it is not a problem in our sex lives if we are both satisfied sexually from one another She also says that because I fantasize about other women that is the same as cheating in her head Well she ended up grabbing a modelling knife and saying she was going to kill herself and that I should leave her place She started saying I don't love her and don't care I felt totally manipulated and I was totally shocked at this behavior I had work early the next day and I only ended up getting hrs sleep at her place because I was woken up with a tirade of I can't be trusted etc. She apologized the next day and said she would do therapy Said she has a hard time controlling her emotions etc. I'm just so taken aback I want to help any issues she has because I would want support too in that position But I feel a lot more concerned now about the relationship and how it will affect my own wellbeing and happiness in the future I feel her wanting to control me in this fashion is bang out if order and to behave in that way has revealed her emotional immaturity sensitivity as well as insecurity as a woman living amongst other women I just need to get this off my chest any suggestions or opinions welcome Thanks TL;DR GF thinks porn is cheating, but we agreed I would minimize it and to not talk about it, She asked if I had watched it since agreement when the answer yes was given she said she wanted to commit suicide and grabbed a modelling knife She is going to therapy I am shocked but want to help and want to make it work if it can work Any suggestions to help me her US are welcome I feel a lot of potential in us working but not if this continues |
English | I'm currently writing my suicide letters ve finally given up I'm writing my goodbyes right now That's really all I have to say I've already posted about why |