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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "definitely one of the most awkward moments of my", "life. i was walking back through edinburgh city", "centre and i saw a man with a cup of coffee with", "no lid, and he was sitting on the ground, so i", "thought he was homeless. i felt around in my", "pockets for some loose change and found a few", "coppers. i went over and put them in the coffee", "cup, only to realise that he had coffee in it and", "that he wasn't even homeless, he was waiting for", "someone. there was a good 5 seconds of super", "awkward confusion and staring." ]

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[ "a few people from a post i submitted on this sub a", "while ago wanted to hear another story about the", "music department", "[here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p5v", "k6/tifu_by_doing_a_weewee_behind_the_school_piano/", ")", "is the first story about pissing behind a school", "piano.", "so, without further-ado, here's the story about", "the time i said my music teacher's husband has", "ed.", "as before, i'll include some background info:", "- my music teacher had gotten married over the", "summer holidays, and this incident happened in", "about november. around about the time of the piss", "incident. (still in year 10 in this story)", "- the teachers at my school joke about a lot with", "the students. a teacher would call another", "student something offensive and we'd get on with", "it, it's natural at this school.", "- this particular teacher is very 'up herself',", "but will sometimes have her good day. **day**.", "let's call her miss yellow.", "it was a month before the *christmas carol", "concert* was due to take place, and our school", "would always put on some stupid show. being a", "strong atheist, i don't like doing this, but i do", "it because i love music and it seems stupid not", "to, plus my friends do it and it's a laugh. this", "year we're doing mistletoe & wine. i have a", "friend, and let's call him joe. me and joe have a", "weird sense of humour, and we'll often joke about", "things without realising how bad the joke is.", "we're definitely going to hell.", "joe, for reasons i'm still unclear of, took music", "as a gcse. he hates the lesson and doesn't play", "an instrument. for mistletoe & wine he had the", "luxury of playing the shaker. even miss yellow", "had given up hope, and he's still on the course", "somehow. anyway, instead of playing the amazing", "instrument that is the egg shaker, he was fucking", "about with a drum stick and hitting it against", "the desks to piss off the teacher. he got a", "splinter, and miss yellow was happy about this", "and laughed. joe said \"miss, i can't get it", "out!!\" to which i replied \"you can't get it *up*", "either, can you joe?\"", "we laughed. it wasn't the most offensive joke", "ever, it wasn't even offensive, but we laughed.", "\"dannii!\" from my music teacher was what broke", "the laughter. i, innocently, replied with \"but", "miss, how did you know we were talking about", "*that*?\" to make her seem like the 'bad' one.", "\"that's because her new husband has it.", "hahahahahaha!!\" exclaimed joe.", "nice one..", "it was very funny, the 'group' i hang about", "(there's 4 of us) all laughed. the rest of the", "class was either laughing or was silent in shock", "at what he said. i silently, but loud enough,", "said \"yeah\".", "\"dannii!\" miss yellow shouted again.", "*oh shit*. you could tell when she's not happy..", "and she most **definitely** wasn't happy.", "\"both you boys go to see miss red* and tell her", "what you said!\" (hey, that rhymed..) *let's just", "call the other music teacher miss red.", "i continue playing guitar, and joe goes to see", "miss red. all's fine until miss red comes through", "the door and asks to see me.", "*double shit*", "now, me and miss red get on quite well, as she", "sees me as a very good guitarist and will often", "call me, and my other 'guitar friend' (of whom is", "in the 'group') a* students. but this time i knew", "i had fucked up.", "she took me out and there was joe. he was", "standing there with an expression on his face", "that looked as though he was constipated, but he", "was obviously trying not to burst out into", "laughter. i had to repeat the entire story to", "miss red. she wasn't happy. she gave us a 'double", "red card'. this meant that we had an instant slt", "(senior leadership team - basically the principal", "and other people high up in the school)", "detention. we had to go to the drama teacher and", "tell him what we did and that we had received a", "double red.", "he laughed. a lot. he said \"well, you still have", "to stay for the detention, but you won't have to", "stay for the slt detention. just don't let it", "-laughs- happen again\"", "miss yellow was happy because she doesn't like", "us. miss red said that she only did it because it", "was the 'right' thing to do, but found it", "slightly funny nonetheless." ]

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[ "i am big time enthusiast fish keeper. i have about", "5 aquariums in my home, but i have to maintain", "several other containers as quarantine tanks and", "breeding tanks. these containers are usually", "buckets and other pitchers which have their", "temperature and other parameters maintained.", "from the past few days, i could smell a faint but", "rancid smell near my door. i thought maybe ive", "missed the water change on one of the containers.", "so i checked all the containers beneath a shelf", "just besides the door. all of them had their", "water changed according to the schedule, and all", "the fishes were healthy.", "a few more days passed, and the smell became", "stronger gradually. today the smell became", "unbearable, so i decided to change the water in", "all the containers regardless of the schedule.", "when i took the containers out, i found my grand", "fuck up staring at me. it was a large tub that", "had a breeding pair of three spot gouramis[wiki", "link](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commo", "ns/c/c5/trichogster_trichopterus_13.jpg),", "both of these fishes were in pristine condition", "when they had entered the breeding tank, but when", "i checked the schedule on the tank, i had somehow", "managed to push it back behind the [zebra", "danios](http://www.seymourfish.com/wp-content/upl", "oads/2012/03/zebra-danio.jpg)", "and [pearl", "gouramis](http://www.aquariumdomain.com/images/fi", "sh_freshwater/pearlgourami1.jpg),", "and completely forgot about the water change", "schedules :(", "the result, i had to clear out about 14 gallons", "of fish stew, cooked at about 27c for maybe two", "weeks. and this wasn't even the worst part of my", "fuck up. when i was somehow trying to throw the", "water away, the smell became just too much, and i", "puked onto my [pet", "bird](http://imgur.com/qqiwzv8) and his cage on", "the way to the bathroom." ]

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[ "so i've recently started seeing this guy, i know", "he;s liked me for a long time, but i only", "recently realized that i actually really like", "him. we're hunkering down for a night of movies", "and alcohol as per usual when he suddenly drops", "it. he's like, yeah...i think i love you.", "completely caught me off guard, i was honest with", "him. i really like him, but i'm not to that point", "yet. after a little bit of awkward talking things", "resume as normal. after an hour or so he suddenly", "gets really quiet. i'm probably reading way more", "into that than there is since he fell asleep", "pretty soon after that, when i finally wake him", "up and try and get him to move to the bed instead", "of sleeping on the floor he gets all weird about", "it. after a little he tells me to just go to bed", "he'll join me later. so i do. mentally freaking", "out all the while, but i do. next thing i know my", "phone is ringing, he went out to get something or", "other and his clutch slipped and his tires", "squealed and somehow this is something a cop can", "pull you over for. now my boyfriend gave himself", "enough time to sober up before driving, but he", "still obviously smelled like alcohol. this was a", "problem. especially since he was driving the", "company truck. now here's where the real fuck up", "come's in. as we are hanging up he of course does", "the usual bye i love you. half asleep scumbag", "brain decides this is a great time to say i love", "you too....needless to say he made a big deal, i", "freaked out and back pedaled that shit out of", "that, which probably made it worse. this leaves", "me here. sitting on my couch in a bathrobe,", "freaking out. he hasn't come home yet, i'm", "waiting for him to either show up, or to get a", "call telling me to go pick up the truck because", "towing companies really hate having to tow their", "own vehicles...." ]

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[ "warning: i'm on a mobile device; expect some", "errors. so me and my friend have this habit of", "talking on the phone or in person about the", "weirdest shit. i'm friends with one of the chefs", "at ku, where i'm currently at. the other day, my", "chef friend told me that one of the workers is", "clinically depressed and is suicidal. fast", "forward a few days, and me and my friend are in a", "line. we were discussing our weird shit. my", "friend tells me \"hey can i grab the salty", "sardines out of your dickhole after i fuck your", "brains out?\" i say, \"okay that's just fucking", "nasty.\" i just realized how loud i said that. i", "feel a great regret exploding inside me. i see", "the depressed chef making a pizza, then look at", "me. i feel extremely bad right now. i don't know", "what to do." ]

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[ "so right now i'm at a halloween party and i was", "feeling a little parched, so i ended up on a", "quest to wet my whistle. i walked in the door", "from the back yard and lo-and-behold upon the", "table is a bowl of freshly made, barely touched,", "punch. i walk up grab a cup, dunk the ladle and", "start to pour. as i'm pouring i start to feel a", "wetness on the back of my hand and hear a", "dribbling in the bowl. turns out the punch is", "going down my hand and back into the bowl. i've", "been petting the dogs since i got here and my", "hands are less than clean. the kitchen was full", "but i don't think anyone saw it happen, i feel", "dirty. everyone is drinking a little \"me tea\"", "right now. that is all." ]

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[ "a little backstory: i am living in this tiny", "apartment for a while, and because it is so small", "the only available space for my pc-tower is a", "space behind my desk. in order for the cables to", "reach my tower had to be facing away from me.", "fast forward to today. i am copying about 300gb", "of data (pictures and stuff mostly) from one", "drive to another, when i accidentally hit the", "power switch for my pc with my foot. after", "powering back up i notice 2 of my drives are", "missing from the system overview (2x2tb wd green", "drives, both of which were pretty full). after a", "lot of work i have managed to recover about 600gb", "from one of the drives. still haven't gotten", "anything good off of the other one yet, although", "i am still working on it using recuva and", "testdisk.", "here is a recreation of what happened:", "http://i.imgur.com/nlaahlc.jpg" ]

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[ "i don't know if this is a major fuck-up yet but i", "decided to post it here anyways.", "it starts pretty harmless with me sleeping in my", "room at around 11:45 am, when suddenly my sister", "comes bursting in, rudely waking me up and", "yelling: \"augenmann, get up! lunch is ready!\" i", "give her the occasional \"i'll be there in a", "minute\" and wait until she leaves to get up.", "(at this point you gotta know that my grandma", "often cooks at our house and she live upstairs", "while my dad, my mum, my sister and i use the", "bottom floor.)", "so basically everyone but me was upstairs and", "already eating and i had to go relief myself in", "the bathroom. i decided what the heck, i have", "enough time, i'll take my phone with me. so i'm", "standing there with my phone in my hand, reading", "stuff on reddit. suddenly that little fucker", "decides to slip outta my fingers and go directly", "for that pee in the toilet. i noticed the slip", "but it was too late for my dead-snake-reflexes.", "it went *sploosh* and all i saw was my phone in a", "sort of yellow tone. i immediately reach for it", "in the toilet. get it out, fucker slips again,", "falls back in. second try, get it out for real,", "flushed, raced to the sink, disassembled it,", "washed it with water (i mean, it's just been", "inside the toilet how bad can it be?)", "i then proceed to soak it with water, but hey at", "least it didn't stink anymore. now i'm sitting", "here with a wet disassembled phone and i'm", "totally not gonna try if it works untill i'm sure", "it's comletely dry again.", "update will follow (if i don't forget)" ]

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[ "this happened last night. our relationship started", "less than 2 weeks before and we planned to go", "camping because none of us had in a while. it was", "amazing, it was just the both of us and we had", "fires, caught crawdads, had drinks, etc.", "at the end of the drunk night, i accidentally", "call her by my ex's name and then she just broke.", "she went off to use the rest room and i left the", "campsite and went to some unlit backtrail to", "grasp wtf i had just done. i'm there for a while", "kicking the sh*t out of myself for being such an", "idiot. she somehow finds me and gets me to come", "back to the tent and sleep. we're still together", "and tell each other we love each other. she's", "pretty hurt right now and i don't blame her one", "bit. we are both committed to this relationship", "and she said she wants to work through this tough", "patch, we may start at zero again, but for me i", "would for this girl.", "the thing that makes it even worse is that we", "have an amazing connection/bond and she really is", "everything i've ever wanted in a girl. i don't", "have any feelings for my ex (5 year relationship)", "at all, she is nothing compared to my current gf,", "i cut all communication from her and don't regret", "it one bit.", "i hid a bunch of love notes from songs i sing to", "her around her purse and room, she hasn't seen", "any/gone home yet. just came back from a bird", "feeding picnic date with her and will be having a", "movie date tonight when she's off work. i fucked", "up bad and she's hurt, but she's still by my", "side." ]

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[ "so,this morning started off like a normal", "saturday. i got up, showered, and had breakfast.", "after consuming my morning meal i decide to watch", "movies online - and browse reddit of course", "(shout out to r/motorcycles) - and continue to", "drink orange juice. a half gallon (1.8l) of", "delicious goodness to be exact. after the movie i", "found myself to have a pee boner.", "now, most guys know how hard it can be to pee", "with an erect pee boner. for the ladies that", "don't know - it ends up being a guessing game,", "between the distance and angle of said boner. it", "is sort of like a water fountain arc, while", "moving back and forth as the pressure builds and", "diminishes. it's sort of like a carnival game of", "sorts.", "for whatever reason, i decide just to arc the pee", "slowly into the sink. as i start everything seems", "to be going well - as i am pinching the \"hose\" to", "keep the pressure down. now this is whee things", "go bad. i start to feel pressure building, then", "starting to sting/burn. so i let the flow go to", "max capacity. the stream shots up in the air, and", "goes on me, and all over the sink and mirror.", "(insert runaway hose gif here) i peed on myself", "and all over the sink. don't try to pee in the", "sink guys." ]

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[ "here's the story.", "i've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now.", "he's fantastic and we were really getting along", "amazingly.", "last night, we were in bed and he was going down", "on me. we were both very drunk, and my mind was a", "little fuzzy and distracted. at that moment i", "apparently decided to softly call out \"oh,", "james.\". i barely even remember doing it as", "things were getting pretty good downstairs. the", "man i am seeing is not called james. not even a", "little bit.", "he immediately stopped what we were doing and got", "angry and upset. rightfully so. i was too drunk", "to go home so we spent an awkward night laying", "next to each other in silence. his angry, mine", "apologetic.", "before this happened we were approaching a point", "where we were going to take things a step further", "and be in a relationship. now, i don't know if i", "will ever see or hear from him again.", "the worst part of all this? the man's name i", "called out in the heat of the moment was a", "coworker who i am not even interested in.", "edit:", "thank you all for your advice and encouragement.", "he came over and we talked about it. his feelings", "are still a little hurt but he was very", "understanding for the most part and has agreed to", "let the whole thing go. i still feel like an", "asshole, but as a lot of you have said, accidents", "happen. thanks again to everyone out there who", "took time to read my post. you're all great!" ]

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[ "**note:** this wasn't today, but last year. upon", "reading a post here about spilling acetone on", "some genitals, i was reminded of a night when i", "screwed up pretty bad.", "i've been a nail biter since i can remember. so", "every now and then i'll paint my nails to try to", "elude myself from chewing them off.", "after a night of some nail chewing, the polish i", "had on got all chipped and gross looking. so, i", "decided to remove the polish and attempt growing", "them another day. so i went to bed kinda ticked", "off on having ended up finger gnawing again. so", "then i woke up in the middle of the night. now, i", "usually keep a bottle of water or some kind of", "drink next to my bed for when i wake up. so my", "senseless groggy self, instead of picking up the", "bottle of water, took a nice big gulp of acetone.", "[oh god, ^what ^have ^i", "^done?](http://zephotographist.files.wordpress.co", "m/2012/04/i_love_lucy_ricky_shock_gif.gif)", "that burn. i ended up spilling it all over my", "face as well while trying to get the bottle as", "far away from me as possible. i swear it felt", "like i had motor-boated a woman made of magma.", "my initial reaction was \"oh fuck, what the hell", "do i do?!\" so i spit the remainder of it onto the", "floor, and after running some circles around the", "apartment thinking what on to do while having a", "face and mouth made of fire, i got a hold of", "myself and remembered that i just drank something", "that could really potentially hurt my insidey", "parts. time to induce vomiting! *(that was not a", "good idea)* i only got to witness the burn of a", "~~thousand~~ million suns in my mouth and throat", "again, as my stomach was pretty empty.", "after rinsing my face and mouth for a good 20", "minutes to get the sting to go away the best i", "could, i had to take care of the still intense", "burning in my mouth. so i drank milk - lots of", "it. now, i'm very lactose intolerant and we only", "use homogenized milk in the house. so by the end", "of the morning not only was my mouth burning, but", "so was my turd cutter. which mind you; did not", "cut any turds that day.", "edit: i accidentally some words." ]

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[ "i work as a server/manager at a fine dining", "italian restaurant. one of our regulars, a", "barfly really, always told me she wanted to do", "something with my hair. i am a guy btw, never", "put any colour in my hair etc. our bartender,", "basically a fuckbuddy of the barfly, repeatedly", "told me \"yeah, yeah, do it. she's good! she", "makes a living cutting hair from home.\" finally i", "give in. \"sure, i'm growing out my hair a bit,", "but you can put a few light highlights in my hair", "to lighten it up.\"", "the next day i call her up and arrange to meet", "her at her place. i arrive, its a ground level", "apartment. she greets me, we go inside. filthy", "carpet, the tv had what i could only imagine a", "stream of dried jizz dripped down it. \"okay\" i", "think to myself. \"she does this for a living, its", "all good.\" she takes me to her \"chair\". it was", "literally a broken down lawn chair. \"fuck! i", "can't even back out of this now.\" i sit down, she", "pulls out a tube of something and a plastic fork.", "she gets to work. my head is feeling heavy at", "this point. i reiterate to her that all i wanted", "was some nice blending in highlights. \"oh yeah!", "i totally understand. don't worry! i know what", "i'm doing!\". i'm basically shitting myself at", "this point in time. she throws a plastic", "shopping bag on my head and has me sit there. i", "start frantically texting my fiancee. \"what the", "fuck did i do?\" \"why did i do this?!?\" finally", "she comes back. \"time to rinse it out!\" we enter", "her bathroom. she had me kneel beside her filthy", "toilet and put my head under the tap in her", "bathtub. at this point all i can think of is", "\"get this shit off of my head! i don't even care", "that i'm kneeling beside her disgusting toilet!\"", "she appraises her job and decides she need to put", "more bleach or whatever on. keep in mind i am", "yet to see a mirror. \"its okay, i'm sure", "it's...\" i feel more bleach on my head. \"fuck!\"", "okay, bag, rinse, repeat. she's done! she shows", "me the final job. i want to die. giant chunks", "of white blonde at the front (i have a don draper", "like 50's style to my hair) throughout the rest,", "orangey blonde, dark blonde, white blonde, any", "colour of blonde you can imagine. and she is", "looking at me, with a look of insane pride on her", "face. \"do you love it? omg! it looks", "amaaaaazing!\" all i could say was \"umm, its", "neat.\" she asks for $25. i leave. i look for", "the hidden cameras. no luck, this actually", "happened, i wasn't on candid camera or anything.", "i get one block away and call a coworker.", "luckily i had a hat with me. i ask her to meet", "me, i need to show her something and i need her", "to tell me i'm overreacting. we meet up. i take", "off the hat. she bursts out laughing. \"who did", "this to you??? why did you let it happen??\" we", "make an emergency appointment with her", "hairdresser. i get there, she looks at me,", "holding back laughter and says \"did you lose a", "bet or something?\" followed with \"wow, she must", "really hate you.\" she matched my original", "colour, puts the dye in, we let it sit. 3 times", "we had to do that as the dye wouldn't hold. i", "can't wash my hair for like a month or this will", "wash out and i'll have a head of fucked up blonde", "chunks. and now i have to break this shitty", "hairdressers heart when she comes in the", "restaurant next.", "**" ]

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[ "as a group of friends and me were about to go to", "class, i decided to grab a cup of water before we", "left. i have a nalgene bottle that i usually", "take, but for some reason i really wanted a", "styrofoam cup of ice water. the desks in the", "classroom are standard college desks, which are", "pretty small. enough room for a laptop or a", "notebook and textbook, but not much else. i take", "notes on my laptop, and decided to set the cup on", "the edge of my desk. i'm a pretty careful", "person, and also kind of overly protective with", "my electronics (i.e. phone, laptop, game", "systems), so i knew that *i* wouldn't spill the", "cup; i didn't take my friend sitting in front of", "me into account. he turned around to ask me a", "quick question, his elbow hit my cup, and i", "watched in utter horror as water doused my", "keyboard. i immediately jumped out of my chair", "and yelled, \"shit-fuck!\" the professor and", "everyone in the class -- about 65 students --", "were staring at me with a mixture of faces. some", "chucking, but most just flat out confused. all i", "could muster was, \"he. the water. and, laptop?", "i-i have to go.\" i grabbed my backpack and got", "the fuck out of dodge.", "i'm currently writing this on a computer in the", "apple store, for those who were wondering. i", "need to pass the time while i wait for the final", "verdict." ]

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[ "so my bike was already giving me some problems,", "however since i am not mechanically inclined i", "had no idea what was wrong with it and figured it", "would be fine till i got home.", "both of my roommates work at the local head shop", "thats right on the main strip of my town. on my", "way home i stopped by the shop to pick up this", "pipe i had been eyeing for awhile. i parked out", "back, went in grabbed the pipe, and broke it in", "with the boys in the basement.", "fast-foward. shop's closing and we are all headed", "out; this is when the trouble starts. the bikes", "not starting and i have no idea what to do. at", "this point it's too late to actually call", "someone, so i decide to just push it in the", "backdoor and leave it inside for the night. now", "it's not that i lived in a bad area and was", "worried about it being stolen, but rather i live", "in a college town where it wouldn't surprise me", "for some drunk asshole to just walk by and push", "it over. either way the decision was made to push", "it inside, go on with the night, and figure it", "out in the morning.", "now, i am not a morning person at all so i just", "planned on going back to the shop a few hours", "after they open. this way i had time to sleep in", "then maybe get some breakfast.", "so i'm at home sleeping and my phone starts", "ringing and i'll usually silence my phone at", "least once before i'm actually awake, so it", "usually takes a few straight calls if you want to", "get ahold of me first thing in the morning.", "i finally wake up and answer my roommate's call", "and he is not happy. he starts yelling at me", "telling me how the whole shop smells like gas and", "how i needed to get down and clean everything up.", "the neighboring businesses had already called the", "gas company and local authorities. i immediately", "get up and head into town stopping on the way for", "some supplies. apparently white vinegar works", "pretty well on cleaning up the smell of gas. i", "arrive at the shop only to realize it wasn't just", "a little gas and that my entire gas tank has", "emptied into the store. it took me several hours", "to get it all cleaned up but we didn't have to", "deal with any cops. not having to explain myself", "or interact with police at all was a huge plus on", "account of them making me extremely nervous. we", "basically just played dumb to the other", "businesses once i had it cleaned up. saying", "things like \"oh i don't know but it's definitely", "going away\" the gas company people sent someone", "out but that was clearly just to satisfy the", "other businesses. the guy came checked the", "electric meters and was on his way. as for the", "gas less bike i just had a tow truck come pick it", "up and take it to the repair shop. needless to", "say i won't be parking indoors for a bit" ]

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[ "oh my fuck... am i retarded?", "lately, i have been obsessed with reading the top", "r/nosleep posts of all time. i have a girlfriend", "who aspires to be a writer and is into horror", "movies so i figured i would send her one of my", "favourite series-posts. let me give you a rundown", "of how the r/nosleep story goes...", "**spoilers** basically, a health care worker is", "investigating the files of some strange mental", "patients of a hospital. among the patients is an", "anorexic who becomes so desperate for food that", "she kills a man and eats his brains. another", "patient is an ex-student who obsesses over a", "writing competition that could win her a full", "ride scholarship, stays up for days on end, and", "finally has a hallucination which causes her to", "kill two people. there are also other patients", "whose stories all come together in the the end to", "create a huge mind fuck. i recommend it to those", "who aren't squeamish", "**spoilers end**", "the kicker- my girlfriend is an ex-anorexic,", "insomniac, full-time student writer...", "fuck", "i guess i was so caught up in my awe of the", "collective story that i forgot about some of the", "not-so-minor details. i didn't shit myself today", "luckily, r/tifu, but this clean up might take", "longer.", "[r/nosleep post here]", "(http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/13ty8f/", "eating_disorder)", "**" ]

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[ "so, let me just preface this by saying, i'm fine", "this happens occasionally.", "i woke up this morning around 8am, my hubs had", "said last night he wanted to sleep in this", "morning so he could stay up later tonight to", "watch football (go chiefs!) so i let him rest", "while i laid in bed finishing a book i had", "started and surfing around on reddit for a bit.", "when i tried to get up to go pee i had quite a", "solid case of vertigo and bounced off the wall a", "few times getting to the toilet. i didn't think", "anything of it, like i said it happens. around", "noon, i wake him up to go get some breakfast and", "some snack supplies for the game.", "he apparently woke up frisky, so he rolled over", "and started fingering me. vertigo be damned, i am", "not turning down a frisky hubs. i let him", "continue for a few minutes, enjoying the", "attention. he sits up to reposition himself and i", "take that opportunity to give him a little mouth", "hug. in the process of sitting up too quickly (i", "know better than to do that when i'm already", "dizzy, i'm a nurse, yada yada) the room started", "spinning again. i, not being deterred from", "wanting to get some morning action, proceeded to", "go to town on his dick. no problem so far. i", "start to try to seductively slip off my panties", "and that's where i fucked up.", "the room spun, i fell over sideways (not sexy)", "and i ended up with a muscle cramp from the odd", "way i landed tangled up in my lacy undies. me", "being my usual graceful and sexy self ended up in", "a complete giggle fit, like i was a 12 year old", "girl. that really was the end my getting any dick", "this morning. my husband, god love him, is just", "watching the stumbilina olympics going on by his", "man bits, hoping i don't flail into him and take", "him down with me. at this point i have to just", "give up on getting lucky and just take care of", "him. at least we both had a good laugh and one of", "us got off.", "he still hasn't stopped laughing about the scene", "i made this morning.", "edit: minus words" ]

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[ "today has not been a good day, and it's only 1:30.", "as i slept, at 9:30, i was having a wonderful", "dream. i don't remember anything about it, other", "than it was really enjoyable.", "then, my alarm interrupted me.", "groaning, i sat up, looking blearily at the time,", "and muttered something offensive to alarm clocks.", "reaching out, i grabbed my can of", "brand-non-specific cola soft drink from last", "night and gave it a shake. awesome, still some in", "there, a nice pick-me-up to start the day.", "i take a sip, and frown. this isn't right. it's", "granular. since when was coke granular. spitting", "it out into my hand, i'm horrified to find ants.", "dozens of them. crying out in shock, i fling them", "off my hand, about the room, and begin to spit", "everywhere, trying to get the little buggers out", "of my mouth. panting and heaving a little, i sit", "on my bed, surveying the formician carnage, and", "think, \"fuck this, i'm taking a piss.\"", "so, i take a sojourn across to the bathroom, lift", "the seat and let loose the torrents.", "unfortunately, i forgot that i had just woken up,", "and neglected to sit down, and part of me had", "been awake for quite some time. inevitably, this", "lead to trouble aiming, and so there was some", "splashback, which proceeds to get all over my", "legs. well, fuck.", "it is now 9:40. i get a call from a recruiter", "asking me if i was on my way to a job interview i", "had scheduled for the day. wait, what do you", "mean, am i on my way? i thought the interview was", "at 2pm! but no, it was at 10am, bugger it all.", "okay, so i rush around, coke- and piss-spattered,", "to clean up a little and put a suit on, phoning a", "taxi to pick me up (because busses are far too", "slow, and i don't have the money for a car), and", "it's that point that my body decides to inform me", "of having strained every usable muscle in my", "torso and right arm from playing tetherball with", "a housemate the day before. so i am now hobbling", "and groaning down the phone at a taxi company,", "trying to pull a suit over my aching body.", "however, godsend, the taxi arrives without", "incident and i get there in fairly good time.", "10:15. not too bad. 25 minutes late, by my", "standards (nice and early, nice and eager, after", "all). the interview begins, and suddenly i have", "no english. i can't remember what i'm qualified", "in, what experience i have, who i've worked for,", "where i grew up, my name, my age, nothing. all", "gone. mind is blank. i struggle through the", "interview with a few prompts, and get out the", "other side 40 minutes later relatively unscathed,", "though my confidence on that position is shot. i", "decide to get a little retail therapy, and hop on", "over to my local mtg shop (shoutout to", "/r/magictcg ).", "while i'm there, i get a phone call from the", "recruiter, berating me for being late. of course,", "he doesn't know about the rest of the morning,", "and i can hardly tell him, but that's not his", "problem. so, i kiss ass to get through that", "particular conversation, and arrange another", "meeting with them for another round of", "interviewing on monday. it is now noon. i have", "had enough of today already, and head home to", "type this saga up." ]

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[ "so i'm trying to eat a little healthier. today i", "stopped at an asian supermarket, mostly to look", "around. i spotted some dieter's green tea, and i", "remembered that someone had recommended it to me", "a while back, so i picked some up. i ran some", "errands with the hubby, and a few hours later", "when we got home, i decided to try some.", "that was at about 3:30 this afternoon. it's now", "11 pm, and i've already spent some time in the", "bathroom emptying my bowels of the nastiest,", "smelliest feces with a consistency that ranges", "from watery to 'fruit on the bottom' yogurt. my", "stomach is still cramping, my sphincter is on", "fire, and my guts are making ominous rumbling", "sounds. i fear i will be spending more time in", "the bathroom.", "this is all because i didn't read the labels on", "the damn box. i checked it after my bathroom", "adventures, and found the culprit. there was a", "[hint](http://i.imgur.com/d5p5uzmh.jpg) on the", "box, and on the other side, a", "[notice](http://i.imgur.com/a0swbeoh.jpg)." ]

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[ "this is for a course in one of my last semesters", "of college and it ends probably today.", "to make a long story short, the project required", "us to also hand in a user manual to go with the", "project directly by hand to the professor. i", "never got this memo and left it in the", "professor's physical office inbox. i'm just", "goddamn hoping the professor lets me turn the", "physical copy in tomorrow morning. holy fuck i", "need a drink and knowing where i stand as far as", "scholarships and gpa stands, this might end up", "being a $5,000.00 mistake. i want to die and i", "need a stiff drink." ]

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[ "okay, i remember a couple of days ago we had a", "thread asking people to describe the laziest", "thing they have ever done. mine might not quite", "measure up to a captain shifting a navy ship to", "get the sun out of his eyes, but it's pretty damn", "awful.", "a couple of weeks back, i saved up my hard-earned", "money and bought myself a sex toy to celebrate my", "18th birthday. it was a fleshlight, and i waited", "eagerly for its delivery for a week before it", "actually came. when it arrived, i rushed upstairs", "with it, tore off the packaging and eagerly", "prepared to plunge my brave little astronaut into", "its rubbery depths. there were a few problems on", "entry, but with a touch of lube my fleshlight and", "i quickly established a working relationship.", "once i was done, i sealed up my evidence, curled", "up in faux post-coital bliss, and went to sleep.", "the fleshlight lay by my bed faithfully until i", "woke up, at which point my mum was around the", "house again and i was confronted with the", "pressing need to hide it. i shoved it into a", "drawer and tried my best to forget about it. for", "two weeks, every time i thought about cleaning", "it, i would just comfort myself with the idea", "that it probably wasn't too bad and the quality", "of the toy was good enough that it wouldn't be", "too much of a problem. it sounds stupid, i know,", "but i would need the twin benefits of experience", "and hindsight before i would see exactly how", "idiotic i had been.", "two weeks later, i opened it up again to be", "confronted with one of the most impressive", "collections of mold i have ever seen. the thing", "had a distinctly unpleasant odor and the mold had", "grown in little patches all over the face of the", "toy, and had taken root in the material itself,", "making any attempt to clean it an exercise in", "futility. i'm now confronted with the prospect of", "having to ditch a once-used, £59 fleshlight, and", "just wank with my hand again like a normal", "person." ]

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[ "recently, during the height of breast cancer", "awareness month (sorry, not technically today), i", "was over at my girlfriend's house energetically", "pregaming for a night out. needless to say, my", "brain-to-mouth filter wasn't in full working", "condition.", "she was showing me around her house when we ran", "into one of her roommates, a very sweet girl who", "happened to be heading up their sorority's ribbon", "sale to raise money for breast cancer", "awareness/research. when i noticed a box of said", "ribbons on her floor, \"sophie\" (her roommate)", "asked if i'd buy one. i happily agreed, but not", "before making an offhand comment to the effect of", "\"yes, as long as you're not working with those", "bastards at the susan g. komen foundation!\" you", "see, i had recently read [this tread detailing", "what a dishonest organization susan g. komen", "is](http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comment", "s/1oavtl/til_the_ceo_of_susan_g_komen_for_the_cure", "_makes/).", "sophie looked confused, so i barreled on,", "explaining the dismal percentage of proceeds that", "the company gives to actual research, and how", "grossly overpaid their executives are. as i", "neared the end of my smug diatribe, sophie burst", "into tears and ran out of the room.", "turns out her mom is pretty high up with susan g.", "komen, and i apparently shattered her glowing", "perception of the company and her mom's work. in", "the end, it was probably something she needed to", "hear, but i sure wished i hadn't made her cry by", "explaining it so aggressively." ]

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[ "i just recently got out of a bad relationship. she", "was 24[f] i am 26[m]. she was super neurotic and", "talked down to me the whole time. i was no saint", "either though. i lied to her, a lot. i never", "really showed her the real me. she was hot, and i", "was into it really because of that. i am shallow", "i know. i honestly never thought the relationship", "would last very long at all. but it was fun while", "it did.", "at the time of my infidelity, she and i weren't", "officially dating. in that she did not think of", "me as her boyfriend, and i didn't really think of", "her as my girlfriend. we had slept together, but", "she was on the fence about me from the get-go (we", "didn't make anything official until october, and", "even then it wasn't long before the fights", "started). we started seeing each other in july,", "and i cheated in september. i was drunk at a", "hotel, she was out of town. there was a girl", "there who i knew had a thing for me, and she was", "coming onto me very strong. i cracked, and slept", "with her that night in her hotel room. i feel", "horrible about it, and it was by far the worst", "thing i have ever done. it was so very not worth", "it.", "where i fucked up was that i just recently, like", "2 days ago, found out that my now ex has moved on", "and is in a new relationship. now normally i am", "very good with getting over girls. but seeing", "that, i snapped. i wanted her to hurt, just like", "how i was hurting. i had developed real feelings", "for her and she broke my heart. so i was", "determined to break hers. this is out of", "character for me, i told her about the drunken", "romp with a floozy back in september. i did it", "because i knew that that was the only ammo i had", "left in my gun that i knew would hurt her.", "i also told her that i believe that she pulled a", "pregnancy scare on me on purpose (she was two", "weeks late after we broke up) just to fuck with", "me. i don't honestly believe that, but i said it", "because again, i wanted to hurt her.", "i feel like a monster. i feel so bad about it,", "and how i handled it. she does not want to see me", "or speak to me ever again. i do not blame her.", "after what i did, i don't deserve her respect. i", "honestly feel like i don't respect myself enough", "to really respect anyone else. i think i need to", "get help.", "i just wanted to get that shit off of my chest.", "thank you if you read all of this." ]

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[ "not today, but i digress. i am really into film", "making and thought it would be a great idea to", "incorporate my passion into my eagle service", "project, not just make another damn bench. what i", "chose to do was make short psa videos for a local", "elementary school about what kids should do in", "emergency situations. it was a fun, creative", "idea, and i thought it would be a breeze because", "it is something i like doing.", "so i spend months planning and completing", "paperwork, getting approval and such before i", "started the actual filming process, but the day", "finally rolls around. i brought a ton of", "equipment and a crew, and things are going better", "than expected. we film in 2 less days than i", "planned for and i was excited to transfer the", "footage so that i could begin editing. i thanked", "all the people who helped me and went home to my", "computer and slid the sdhc card into the reader i", "had bought that same day for $10. do not trust a", "$10 card reader.", "the card randomly ejects during the", "transfer process and i lose every bit of footage", "i had. but that's not it. disbelief turned into", "panic and i called a local tech repair store to", "ask if anything could do to save my project. they", "told me i could try a data recovery service, and", "see if they could retrieve my footage. i", "immediately drive to the nearest one, about an", "hour away, and pay the fee of $250. i was mad as", "hell, but thought, \"if i get the project back,", "it'll be worth every penny.\" i leave the place", "pissing myself with anxiety, but hoping for the", "best.", "for 4 days i wait for them to contact me,", "and they finally did. they said they were", "successful and had the footage on a usb drive", "they would give to me for an extra $10. fuck it,", "i need the files. i pay the damn fee and get home", "and run to my computer faster than a kid on", "christmas morning and plug in the usb.", "there are 3 audio files. not my video, but", "an old school project. and even if i was looking", "for that, i couldn't use it. i call up the place", "and demand a refund, and they say i paid for the", "effort, not the result. so i'm down tons of work", "and $260. hoping to try again soon..." ]

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[ "some background:", "the windows in my house are sealed around the", "sides with duct tape to prevent unnecessary", "drafts. it's an old historic house and it gets", "very cold.", "the story:", "i was boiling some water on my stovetop to make", "pasta, but when i went to put the pasta in, i", "dropped a handful of it all over the stovetop and", "floor. i went to grab a broom, and got distracted", "my roommates, so when i returned to the stove a", "few minutes later, a long piece of pasta which", "had fallen into the burner had caught fire. in", "fact, it burned all the way down, off the stove,", "and by the time i returned to the kitchen, it had", "set my paper towels on fire.", "i opened the window and threw the paper towels", "out into the snow, but inadvertently set the duct", "tape on the window frame on fire as well. i", "panicked, and my roommate came running to the", "kitchen. he screamed as though he was a", "9-year-old girl. fortunately, i thought to grab", "the detachable sprayer from our sink and quenched", "the fire before it spread too far.", "the damage isn't bad. nothing structural, just", "cosmetic. my pasta burned though :-( now i'm", "still hungry." ]

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[ "so this morning i followed my usual schedule by", "grabbing a bowl of granola with soy milk and", "trudging on over to the couch to watch some tv. i", "look over and my 17 pound, monster of a", "[cat](http://imgur.com/djzjn.jpg), obie, is just", "chillin there lookin all cute. in my early", "morning groggy state i thought it would be a fun", "idea to have him sit on my lap while i ate my", "breakfast. i snapped my fingers and was flopped", "upon by this beast. now, when he sits on me he", "takes up my *whole* lap making movement", "difficult. i tried to readjust myself so that", "he'd fit more comfortably which is when the fuck", "up started. next thing i know, the bowl is upside", "down on his back; i have no recollection of it", "falling, just the horror as he practically shat", "bricks. i probably sat there for a solid two", "minutes trying to understand what had just", "happened before deciding how to proceed. i was", "wearing my bf's sweatshirt and didn't want to get", "cereal all over it so for my next fuck up, i", "thought \"gee, i'll just let him jump off me", "himself.\" wrong. granola went flying. i mean it", "was *everywhere*. i grabbed him at arms length,", "flung him onto the kitchen table, and found some", "paper towels. cleaning up taught me two valuable", "lessons:", "1, granola *will* get tangled in long fur/hair", "and 2, soy milk dries incredibly sticky.", "he's all good now except for a little bit of", "matted fur. but yeah, i fucked up." ]

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[ "let me start by saying that this has happened with", "the most kindest intentions...", "well my drum major was looking up costumes for", "next year's marching show ( which is lord of the", "rings... winning) and was talking about it on", "facebook. so being the funny guy i am i comment,", "and after a while a few other people comment on", "it and along comes this guy.. now.. he's been", "being a douche to her and calling her names like", "bitch and such..... and i've known about this for", "a couple months now... and my amazing brain comes", "up with the idea' hey man, why don't you call him", "an orc!!!!!\" and i'm like \" fuck yeah brain", "that's a great idea!!!!!\"", "and so.....", "i posted it ... but no sooner than after i posted", "it the guy likes and it then i realize...... oh", "shit i just called her an orc.....", "so i texted her to let her know that i wasn't", "calling her one and she's fine with it and said", "its okay..... but damn... ive been fucking up all", "day..." ]

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[ "around one year ago i was looking for work in the", "sound engineering/music area, so i decided it", "would be a good idea to register a domain name", "with my full name to make myself look more", "professional to employers. so i go ahead and", "register with uk2.net, \"myfullname.com\".", "it gets a little technical here, but is relevant", "to the fuckup.", "the thing is that i already had my own hosting,", "with a vps provider. i pointed the domain name to", "the ip address for my server, but i didn't have a", "website made yet. so i set up my server to", "redirect the url to my soundcloud, at least for", "the time being.", "i put the url onto my cv and sent it out to", "prospective employers.", "not too long after that, i found myself a job,", "forgot about the website and figured i would just", "let the domain expire. i also switched to another", "host, and didn't bother to setup the redirect", "again. so the url wasn't doing anything, as far i", "knew.", "cue back to today. i get an email from uk2 to", "tell me my domain is due for renewal. curious, i", "open up the url again \"myactualfullname.com\". and", "what comes up? a picture of a guy pissing on", "another guy's face. another picture of a guy", "being fisted while wearing leather bondage. \"gay", "fisting, leather and pissing\" in the title bar.", "yep, my \"professional\" url was directing to a gay", "porn site.", "it turns out the ip address of my old server had", "been reinstated as the ip for a server hosting a", "porn site.", "i quickly logged into uk2 and swapped the dns", "servers back to defaults again and deleted the", "entries on the dns server i was using. but anyone", "who understands this kind of stuff will tell you", "it can take a day or so before records get", "updated across the world. as of writing this, it", "still points to that site..", "i have no idea how long it has been like that.", "potentially a few months to half a year. i really", "hope no one found a copy of the cv i sent out in", "the past and decided to look it up.." ]

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[ "today was like any other day. i got home from", "school and went straight to the toilet to take a", "shit. my diet for the past week hasn't been the", "best so my shit wasn't the normal consistency. i", "finished my business and proceeded to wipe my ass", "this is when the problem started.", "i could get rid of all the fucking shit. 3o", "wipes later and more than 3 flushes. i would", "still get a brown stain on my tissue roll when i", "wipe. i got pissed of and just proceeded to pull", "up my boxers, wash my hands and leave.", "for the next 35 minutes the rampant smell of", "shit lingered in my nose. at first i tried to", "ignore it then it just became to annoying to", "ignore. i went back to the toilet and proceeded", "to wipe like 12 more times and still the fucking", "brown stain is there i thought it must be coming", "from my boxers but it's still it's normal red", "colour. i pull up my boxers and yet the smell is", "still there.", "i wanted to get rid of the smell so i grab a", "can on lynx final edition, spread my ass cheeks", "and spray it up there. worst decision ever. it", "felt like hades had been let loose in my ass. it", "felt like i got sucker punched up the ass by", "kimbo slice.", "i fucking killed. my ass felt like it was", "ripping apart. i had to walk for the rest of the", "day in a weird arched position limping to", "minimize the pain.", "at least it got rid of the smell." ]

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[ "we had a bad storm go through here a couple of", "days ago, winds knocked down several trees, which", "of course had to be cleaned up today.", "our family has a system for this (with 40 acres", "this happens often). my dad runs the chainsaw and", "i help him however i can - pulling on branches", "while he's cutting, pulling stuff out of the way", "of the saw, moving limbs he's already cut, etc.", "my mom and daughters and whoever else is there", "drag everything to the burn pile. either my", "husband or my son mans the pile and keeps the", "fire going. it's a fairly efficient system.", "so today i was doing my normal job and my dad", "asked me to pull on a limb as he was cutting it.", "normally he'll only cut if we can see each other,", "mainly to make sure all of our various appendages", "stay attached. this limb was over my head and i", "couldn't see him so i didn't know when the branch", "was free. instead of falling like it was supposed", "to it hit me in the mouth. there was blood and", "ouch. fuck up #1.", "i got cleaned up and we went to cut another tree", "down. it was about as big around as my leg. dad", "gave me instructions:", "what i heard: grab this branch and pull so it", "falls this direction (what i'd been doing all", "day).", "what he actually said: grab this branch and run", "like hell when the tree starts falling.", "i grab the branch, the chainsaw runs, i see him", "get through the tree, it starts falling and the", "next thing i know i'm bleeding in many places.", "the tree was a honey locust tree.... aka [thorny", "locust]", "(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/honey_locust). go", "look at the pic... i'll give you a minute.", "yep. thorns everywhere. the thorns aren't just on", "the trunk of the tree - they are on the branches", "right out to the tips of the little twigs. and", "they're not all little thorns. most of them are", "1\" plus in length.", "my face, neck, arms, stomach and legs are all", "scratched up, some fairly deep. fuck up #2.", "and you know what? i think that's enough clean up", "for today. stay tuned and see how i fuck up", "tomorrow!" ]

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[ "so, this wasn't really today, but it was about a 3", "months ago. a friend on skype was reading post on", "this sub-reddit aloud and i thought i should", "share my story after hearing the[ post about a", "fart traveling up some poor lady's vagina at", "work.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1j0y", "bg/tifu_by_trusting_a_fart/)", "anyways, that's enough babbleing. here's my", "horror story.", "i hadn't been feeling well, thought it was gas.", "like many people here i made a huge mistake.", "trusted a fart. so, it came out as small", "diarrhea fart. not that bad right?", "just keep reading.", "i was sitting when it happened and as i stood i", "felt another coming on. and i thought i could", "make it too the bathroom seeing as it was like", "10-20 feet away. so, i clench my butt cheeks and", "waddled to the bathroom and here it came. i", "sharted a big, runny, diarrhea shart, and then it", "did the weird bubble thing where it traveled to", "front of my underwear and it was all in my vagina", "and it was sticky and gross and i just ran crying", "to my bathroom. luckily no one was home. it was a", "pain in the ass to clean.", "so, there's my story. never told anyone until now", "of course. mainly because i did my best to forget", "it.", "*shudders*", "and yeah, the throwaway's name is relevant.", "edit: added link." ]

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[ "background: i work for an events company doing", "sound/lighting/video. hours can be horrendous", "with little thanks from the client. it's not", "glamourous.", "so last week (sorry, not today!) we had a fairly", "big catwalk show for a major fashion label. 12", "minute show, think £20,000 a minute for the", "finished job. it's in an old warehouse venue", "because they like it all edgy and industrial.", "we're loading in at 10pm after working a full day", "in the office, when the guys loading out the", "event before us mention there's two pallets of", "[starbucks mocha", "frappucino](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_iamufxef5pe", "/tikf_zwoz4i/aaaaaaaahgw/tmjcyzvd2i0/s1600/frap.jp", "g)", "drinks left over if we'd like them. there's 20 of", "us, so i happily said yes. sickly sweet and milky", "but hell, it's free!!", "come 10pm the next day and having worked the past", "36 hours, i've sunk about 3 boxes (10 bottles per", "box) of the suckers and eaten twice. stupidly", "busy, running around and lifting things so i keep", "on downing the little fuckers. by 6am we're", "rehearsing and i'm on box number 4...", "the show was due to start at 3pm and i'm still", "not feeling tired. at half 2, i decide to go for", "a quick pre-show dump in the venue's crappy hired", "portaloos. i managed to get my trousers halfway", "down before my guts decide i have to poop out 40", "crappy caffienated milk drinks now, no", "exceptions. imagine putting a firework in a tub", "of molten chocolate...there's poop all over the", "walls, floor, and trousers. there was even a", "turd-deflection from toilet seat onto toilet", "paper holder.", "i'm there in horror for a few seconds before i go", "into damage control mode and take of my trousers,", "then reach for the toilet roll...covering my", "hands in poop. i decided the best idea at this", "point was to leave the destroyed portaloo and go", "to the one next door, half naked and covered in", "poop. through some miracle no-one saw me and long", "story short, i managed to get myself cleaned up", "double-quick before someone radioed me...\"right,", "positions people, we're going on in 5, call off\".", "lighting, video, followspot ops all call in but", "i'm still outside covered in poop smears. forgot", "to mention i was running sound for this...", "i realised i'd left my trousers in the other", "cubicle. panicing that i'd lose the client's job", "by fucking up the show, i legged it out the", "cubicle and grabbed a drape, wearing it like a", "turd-smelling skirt.", "i managed to play off the drape-skirt as a joke", "(people frequently mix bottomless for shits and", "giggles), and no-one questioned the smell.", "however, i still haven't heard to this day what", "happened to the poor sod who found my shitty", "trousers in the portaloo." ]

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[ "so i'm a firefighter and we are on scene of a", "supposed electrical fire (false alarm) and i'm", "standing in a door way with another firefighter", "as instructed to do. now just before the alarm", "went off another firefighter was in the shower.", "when the tone dropped he comes down in his", "underwear and puts his gear on (pretty funny). so", "as we are standing in the door way i start", "talking to the other guy about it saying did you", "see \"firefighter blah\" running down stairs in his", "underwear lol, only to realize that my mic on my", "radio was caught in my air pack and was keyed up", "so everyone could hear what i was saying. so", "yeah, tifu and i got a stern talk from a", "superior." ]

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[ "wasn't last night but it was the following night.", "so my friends and i went to mayhem fest to see", "rob zombie and fiver finger death punch. well the", "kids i went with like to smoke weed and one of", "them brought half an o along. i didn't know this", "and we were half way there when he whipped it", "out. i don't smoke and i don't care being around", "it.", "all was good at the concert had a blast and told", "my friend i'd drive her car home so she can", "sleep. it is like 11am when we left and a 3 three", "hour drive home.", "what i didn't know was the car was unsuspected", "with a tail light out...", "this screams pull me over and that is exactly", "what happens. we were 30 mins from being home and", "i see cop lights go off.", "the officer come up asks us where we were at and", "informed me about the light being out. he then", "asks me to step out and get on the side of the", "road. he is being all buddy buddy with me ask", "about the concert then says, \"i smell weed.\"", "at this point i know we are fucked. the weed was", "sitting in the car all day in 90 degree heat", "cooking up the stench of the bud. i am asked if i", "smoked any. i did not due to i dont have a need", "for it and having bad anxiety. apparently to him", "my eyes say different, no one smoked in the car", "at all.", "i then get handcuffed brought to jail, not a", "police station jail. the whole time i am sober,", "but they don't believe me. so i have to get a", "blood test there, woo first time for that, and", "get my mug shot/finger prints taken.", "they placed me in a holding cell for two hours", "till my dad picked me up. this all lasted from", "2am-5am. now i have to wait two weeks for my", "blood test to come negative so i don't get a dui.", "fuck that night," ]

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[ "i was out. walking. it was crowded. i was going", "down the street when a mother stopped in the", "middle of the block to pick her kid up, i was", "walking right behind them and had to do some", "reggie bush shit to make sure i didn't topple", "over them. so now i'm on the end of the sidewalk,", "and trying to maneuver my way out of a crowd. a", "woman and her boyfriend walk right past me, and", "my only way out is to walk between them. so i do.", "and they don't stop. she walks right into me, and", "my arm/chest rub right up against her breast. i", "felt immediately awkward, and i could feel the", "boyfriend had stopped and was watching me. they", "thought i did it purposely, or at least he did.", "so fast forward 10 minutes. i'm in a totally", "different area. walking, minding my own business.", "i look to the other side of the street and see", "the same couple walking. immediately i say to", "myself \"ahh fuck\". so i figure just keep walking.", "i did nothing wrong, not intentionally at least.", "i put my head down and start walking. i get a few", "steps forward and look up, and see the boyfriend", "just standing on the other side watching me,", "pretty threateningly. now i'm in full fight mode.", "i just keep walking, and i could see the", "girlfriend kinda holding the bf back because she", "obviously knows it was an accident. i keep", "walking, trying to avoid a fight over brushing a", "boob. i get to the end of the block, cross, and", "that was it.", "**" ]

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[ "to give a bit of background, i haven't slept since", "sunday because my job is a wee bit demanding at", "the moment. i recently moved to a new duty", "station and today is day 3 of my new job. on", "monday, i had to cover a 24 hour duty shift for a", "colleague. this bled into my normal job on", "tuesday. this is not uncommon, and i would", "normally have just caught up on my sleep tuesday", "night. but not this time. tuesday would be", "another sleepless night, as i had to return to", "work early that night for some training in a", "simulator (a giant video game in a small, mobile,", "sealed container... this detail is important). at", "this point, i have been on duty for roughly 48", "hours, working tirelessly with another 24 hours", "to go before i could possibly get any sleep. the", "only way i have been able to cope up to this", "point was by self medicating with anything and", "everything available at my local 7/11. the human", "body has its limits. at a certain point, it will", "revolt. the following is a message sent to my", "brother detailing my untimely shitastrophe:", "the overwhelming nausea that ensued a record-pace", "consumption of a monster energy drink was only a", "foreshadowing of the catastrophe to follow. a", "mere 30 minutes into the simulation, my gunner", "became frightened by the sound of what he mistook", "for a buffalo stampede. his error in judgment was", "only confirmed by the noxious smell of what i", "assume is my own gi track dissolving itself in", "the corrosive cocktail of energy drinks, coffee,", "caffeine pills and a gas station hot dog. to", "liken it to a normal bout of flatulence would be", "like comparing a double homicide with the", "holocaust. imagine the entire cast of bambi", "simultaneously processed through a wood chipper", "into a large metal vat and left to stew in a hot", "parking lot for three days. now we're getting", "close. one could use the same metaphor to roughly", "describe the bowel movement that followed. i'm", "still unsure if it was fecal matter exiting my", "sphincter at mach 2 or just the remnants of what", "my colon used to be.", "needless to say, eye contact is still a bit", "dodgy...", "[" ]

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[ "tonight i was coming home from a friend's house", "after a fun night of gta v (not relevant to the", "story, but still a super fun game) and i was", "approaching a stoplight and my eyes tricked me", "into thinking the light was green when it was", "actually red. luckily i didn't crash, unluckily", "there was a cop car sitting at the light and he", "instantly pulled me over. now i have a $120", "citation. ffffuuu" ]

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[ "i'm posting this here in the hope i will never", "forget it...", "recently i've been really turned on by the", "thought of anal pleasure, i had gone in just a", "little but not much and always cleaned up after", "not even knowing if i had to. maybe i should have", "googled this... it would have saved me the", "trouble i went through today, it really was not", "nice.", "so last night is when it happened, i applied some", "lube and went at it with my fingers, i decided to", "go a little deeper than usual and damn it felt so", "good! i felt like i was in heaven, like i had", "something to live for, when i finally came there", "was loads.", "you can call me weird but i like to sit upside", "down and ejaculate into my own mouth, i can say", "i've done weirder, i can get my mouth part way", "down my penis which i sometimes do and i'd do it", "all the time if i didn't ache so much the next", "day, saves explaining why i need to bath at 4am", "in the morning as although im 18, i still live", "with my parents. i feel this had an effect on me", "in the sense that i didn't think of cleaning up", "at the other end.", "i didn't sleep that night, i currently am having", "sleeping issues and need to get checked for", "insomnia, well i completely forgot about the lube", "still all the way in my ass. i went to uni at my", "normal time, it wasn't until i was in my lecture", "that i realized my ass seemed wet of some kind,", "after the lecture i headed to the toilets and saw", "my worst nightmares... i really shouldn't have", "ate a fucking curry, it was starting to leak and", "the idiot that i am, i didn't even think of", "pooping as i don't like public toilets, it", "seriously didn't come to mind :(", "i thought it was only a little so i held out for", "the rest of the day, im not sure whether or not", "it was poop and at the time i hadn't even", "remembered about the lube. fast forward to", "arriving at home, i rushed to the toilet and had", "the easiest most painless poop ever, thats when i", "realized why. i had forgot to clean up the lube", "inside my ass and as a result my briefs or", "whatever they are called were covered in shit.", "it definitely felt good at the time but after", "this experience im definitely going to remember", "to clean up afterwards with wipes or something,", "im not sure if thats a good idea i will for sure", "research it. i don't fancy slowly letting out wet", "poop for 6 hours again...", "any advice on anything else i should know would", "be useful, i don't want to make any other", "mistakes." ]

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[ "this actually happened a few weeks ago, but i", "found out the truth about him last night...", "i work at a safe house for victims of domestic", "violence. it's a women- and children-only", "shelter and it's a transitional 60-day program.", "i also monitor the domestic violence hotline", "while working my shifts, and i received a call", "last month from a man calling from the local er", "with a fractured shoulder looking for a safe", "place to stay.", "he told me that his wife had pushed him down the", "stairs after threatening him repeatedly, and that", "the abuse was on-going but he was ready to leave", "her. i did an intake with him over the phone,", "and called my supervisor to get permission to put", "him up in a hotel for the night, which she gave.", "i picked him up from the er and drove him across", "town to the hotel. he was a very positive guy,", "late-50's and an ex-youth pastor who had worked", "with americorps and other organizations. he told", "me that the police had not been very kind to him,", "asking why he hadn't defended himself, and he", "said because he would never hit his wife. i felt", "for him because this is a common attitude that", "male dv victims face, and i told him that he had", "done the right thing and assured him that we", "would help him reach a safe place. he was a", "pretty small guy, and came off as quiet and", "honest, and i felt genuinely bad for him.", "the next day, i picked him up from the hotel and", "took him to his town's police station so that he", "could get a police escort to collect his things", "from his house (standard procedure). the police", "had us wait almost a half hour before speaking", "with us even though it was a sunday morning and", "we were the only ones in the station (small", "town). when the two cops finally did come out,", "they asked what the situation was, and i", "explained it. they looked at each other, and", "then one asked the man if there was a restraining", "order against him. i thought that this was a", "display of the pervasive and dangerous attitude", "that men can't be victims, and told them that", "*he* had been assaulted, he hadn't been the", "abuser.", "i knew one of the cops, so we chatted for a", "couple minutes about hometown stuff, then they", "took the man in the squad car and left, and i", "went back to finish my shift at the shelter.", "the man ended up staying in the hotel for three", "nights before being able to contact family in", "ohio and deciding to drive down there to stay", "with them. he called the hotline again to thank", "me for all of my help, and expressed genuine", "gratitude for the concern and caring that i", "showed him. my agency paid for the hotel stay", "and gave him money to get out of state, all based", "on my reports and logs of the event.", "last night, while talking with my supervisor, she", "told me that he had actually been abusing his", "wife for over three years, and she had pushed him", "down the stairs in self-defense. the police had", "left a message with another department of our", "agency outlining the entire situation and the", "wife's statement, letting us know that she might", "call for sheltering or support services. the", "information was never relayed to any of the", "shelter staff, and i fell for all of his", "bullshit.", "i cost my agency over $300 (which is a lot for a", "non-profit), and helped a violent and", "manipulative man leave the state and escape any", "sort of investigation into his abuse. my", "conscience is seething- i'm angry at myself and", "at him, and i'm so sad for his wife. i feel bad", "for distrusting the police officers (especially", "ones that i know, and that i *know* are good", "people). i feel bad for wasting resources that", "should be going to helping victims cover medical", "fees, getting them winter clothing, making sure", "that the children we shelter have appropriate", "food and diapers and toys.", "i'm not in any trouble, and my supervisor said", "that everything that i did was right in line", "because i didn't know, but even still i feel so", "played. residents are always trying to", "manipulate the counselors, for cigarettes or", "extra food or to convince us they're not smoking", "pot when they're out, and i'm used to having my", "bullshit filter up full-strength while at work.", "but for some reason i let it down completely with", "this man and didn't question anything that he", "said to me. water under the bridge, but fuck it", "still doesn't feel very good.", "edit: word", "**edit:** yes, there is proof that the wife was,", "in fact, the victim. i don't work closely enough", "with law enforcement to be privy to their", "records, but i do trust my supervisor enough that", "she wouldn't tell me without being totally sure.", "if there were any questions about the wife's", "story, i would have heard. there had been", "previous police involvement on her part before,", "is all i really know about it, but i don't need", "to know anymore." ]

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[ "so this is a double tifu and it happened about 1,5", "years ago. i was going my last year in high", "school and was under alot of stress from the last", "exams which led to me having some problems with", "my sleep. i found taking walks in the middle of", "the night just before going to bed to be very", "relaxing and helping me with my issues.", "i was often gone from between 15-30 minutes and", "any time from a couple hours before midnight to 3", "am. i did this for maybe 2 months and i never", "encountered people when walking (lived in a small", "town).", "one night i felt that the walking wasn't enought", "and i had to rub one out aswell before going to", "bed. or even better, lay in bed watching my", "monitor a couple feet away (2 meters). sometimes", "i hear a family member go to the toilet in the", "middle of the night and just wait for them to be", "done before i continue.", "so this one night i heard someone walking up the", "stairs but i thought nothing of it and continued.", "i heard someone stop just outside my door. shit,", "what the fuck to do...either i walk up and close", "the porn on the computer and stand there", "butt-naked or i stay under my blanket with the", "porn on. i had no time to react...the door", "opened. my mom stod there watching me looking", "back at her. then she looked at my computer and", "just said \"lncsmb....\". she walked outside again,", "closed the door and said \"we need to talk\".", "my parents aren't conservative or anything so i", "didn't really know why she would want to talk", "about this but it was really embarassing. i", "followed her down into the living room and was", "acrually laughing a lot because the situation was", "so stupid.", "i sat down and then she said \"lncsmb, i've been", "so worried these past weeks, what have you been", "up to? have you been selling...*drugs*? i was so", "shocked i didn't know what to say. i just laughed", "and clearly explained the situation about my bad", "sleep (which she was aware of) and that was it,", "we never spoke of it again. the walks didn't feel", "the same after that so i stopped shortly after." ]

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[ "so i was smoking a cigarette in my truck driving", "down the road and i didn't want to throw my", "cigarette out the window so i put it in a cup of", "tea from royal farms. cut to later in the night", "i'm leaving my lady's house around 1 in the", "morning, i'm tired, sleepy and thirsty so without", "thinking i grab the cup of tea and down the whole", "thing...i didn't even notice... i finish the tea", "and turn the light on to find my car charger for", "my phone when i see it... a fucking cigarette", "sitting in the bottom of the cup. i immediately", "proceed to pull over to the side of the road and", "puke everywhere. i've been on the verge of puking", "all day thinking about it.", "edit- the proof http://i.imgur.com/aije0r4.jpg" ]

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[ "im currently in my junior year at a northeastern", "university(us), and every semester i always end", "up fucking up. at the beginning of the semester i", "do well but slowly end up doing worse and worse,", "failing to meet professors and missing class.", "my gpa is abysmal, below a 2.5. i haven't even", "met with my advisor to see if i'm on track to", "graduate(which i'm probably not) and i just got a", "d+ on a paper worth 25% of a course grade because", "i didn't hand it in to my professor during his", "office hours as asked, after missing class when", "it was due (with a doctors note).", "i don't know what i'm doing guys, i really don't.", "i know reddit isn't the place to complain or fix", "my problems, and that it's up to me to fix them." ]

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[ "i'm at a friends place, my so and i decide to buy", "a bottle of sailor jerry's. my friend wanted to", "drink a little with us so we come back from the", "liquor store and the friend comes up with the", "brilliant idea to play a drinking game to one of", "our favorite shows trailer park boys. we drink,", "we have a good time, our noses and cheeks are red", "from the booze, we pass out. i wake up around 5-6", "am and proceed to throw up (the first time). we", "wake up around 11 and i'm starving, being lazy", "and hung over i decide that sausage wraps are", "perfect hangover food! yeah. no. it's not. i had", "to go to a meeting but was so hungover we made it", "into town when i started to feel like death so we", "go to grab a bite at a local patio bar place,", "anyway, i threw up there too. and since i had", "eaten that damn sausage wrap and had a little", "coffee (yes gross i know) i blew nasty f***ing", "sausage chunks. i made it to the bathroom but", "nearly missed it the third time i threw up (still", "at that bar). oh yeah, i had half a bloody mary", "that helped me throw up a lovely shade of red. i", "came home, threw up the rest of the sausage and", "bile that was in me and here i am now. still", "hungover and no matter how many times i brush and", "gargle.... the sausage taste is there. so gross!", "\"i'm never drinking again.\"" ]

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[ "i was riding my bicycle with a big pack of people", "on a beach side board walk. adrenaline is pumping", "testosterone is controlling me. i am in front of", "the pack, i am leading them down the board walk.", "i am pedaling ahead and my right arm reaches out.", "my eyes and mind are on the road. this is", "strange. a shadowy group is getting closer. i am", "slowing down and am now in the middle of the", "pack. the group of people are right next to me. i", "had just spanked a girl on the ass. i heard", "laughter and a yell for me to stop. the girl was", "laughing and the cop was yelling. there was a cop", "on a mountain bike who saw the whole ordeal. as", "soon as i stopped my freedom was taken away with", "my back pack being thrown off and my hands held", "behind my back. i admitted to the spanking and", "thought of it as shenanigans, but life is not a", "porky's movie. in reality what i did was sexual", "battery and could go to jail for a few months. i", "am not a hardened criminal. i am 20, i go to", "community college, i have never had a girlfriend,", "i am not a player. moving forward with the story;", "i was in the back of the paddy-wagon when i knew", "i fucked up. i spent the next hour watching the", "stainless steel bench fill up with drunks from", "the bar and watched them get out to wait in a", "drunk tank till the morning. then it was down to", "me and a plastered homeless man wearing an sd", "county jail sweater, he was face down on the", "floor yelling at the officer to turn the radio", "on, it is funny how he already had a uniform. i", "just sat straight and starred at the wall. the", "van stopped, the officer had to get the man out", "by pulling on his feet. i walked out into in", "under ground parking lot and was directed into a", "room lit by bleach white fluorescent bulbs. while", "the homeless guy was screaming with protest about", "how a 50 year old man should not be treated this", "way i was siting straight staring at the wall. i", "was asked to stand and walkover to the", "photographer, then walkover to the officer taking", "fingerprints, then walkover to the counter to", "sign off on my possessions; leather belt...", "check, california state id... check. i am so", "thankful my friend took my stuff before i left.", "jail cell no.01", "\"walk through the metal detector and dont touch", "the sides\" said the officer. i was welcomed by", "drunks, druggies, and derelicts. some people", "tried to \"keep the moral up\" by laughing and", "joking about how we are all in the same kind of", "shitty situation. i just sat straight and stared", "at the wall. the room reeked of weeks of", "defecation body odor.", "jail cell no.2", "it was a copy of the first room with one", "difference, there was a extra steel sliding door.", "an officer walked from the extra door \"whoever is", "trying to make bail needs to come with me\" i gave", "my name and he told me \"your bail is not listed,", "just stand over there\".", "jail cell no.3", "we followed the yellow line on the linoleum", "floor that lead us to the next holding cell", "across from the booking counter. after sitting in", "the cell my name was called. i was told that my", "bail was set at 10000 and a bonds man can get me", "out at 10% . i just go to school, my mom", "struggles for money, and although my dad can pay", "for it i doubt he would.", "jail cell no.4", "this holding cell had phones and a list of bail", "bond phone numbers. i spent 2 hours dialing the", "numbers incorrectly. the jails phone pin number", "system was never explained to me. after finding", "out how the phone works i was able to call to", "start bail. at fist my mom refused to pay but", "she passed down my fathers phone number to the", "bonds man. i own that man twice now, for giving", "me life and for bailing me out.", "the whole time i was there, it was in fear of", "putting on a blue jump suite. i was feed mystery", "meat sandwiches and had to drink water from a", "water fountain on top of a toilet. if i never got", "bailed, i would have been sent to general", "population for 3 days till my court day. i latter", "found out i am getting charged with a", "missdemeanor and that the victim is not pressing", "charges. i am never going to do anything like", "this again. i feel like a horrible person. i", "learned that what looks like innocent", "hooliganism is actually serious. it is not ok to", "do. the jail was over crowded and under staffed.", "there needs to be an audit of some sort.", "edit* i tried making more sense." ]

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[ "i was meeting a bunch of my boyfriend's friends", "for the first time, and bowling was the activity", "decided upon. i wore my favourite jeans that i've", "had for years. we show up to the bowling lanes,", "and it happens to be glow in the dark night.", "there's black lights everywhere. i didn't think", "anything of it, until i looked down. years of", "wiping my hands on my thighs was now glowing in", "the lights, which wasn't visible before. it", "looked like my boyfriend came about 7 times on my", "jeans. mortified, i finished up my game, all", "while pathetically trying to cover the giant", "glowing stains. after it finished we left very", "quickly." ]

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[ "1)so yeah yesterday night, i fucked up. so as i", "was heading for a super duper night for my", "friend's birthday, i get to where we meet up to", "go to the restaurant together. i was pretty high", "at that point. when i'm under the influence, i", "fuck up a lot. i say things i don't think i would", "say sober or i would not say them the way i do.", "so there was this girl, a friend of a girl. she", "wasn't officially invited to the restaurant. so i", "say ''hey, did (friend's whose birthday it is)", "invited you? or you're coming along with us", "uninvited? she took offence since she wasn't", "officially invited and i felt really bad cause", "she felt bad the whole night for coming", "''officially uninvited'' by the birthday guy", "2)so after the restaurant, i wasn't high anymore", "but i was drunk. so as i was waiting for everyone", "outside of the restaurant, i see this girl i know", "who works at the gym i go to. she is with her", "friends. i go to their group and say ''hi (girl i", "know)''. she comes to me and we start talking but", "since i was drunk, i didn't have anything to say.", "so we talk and when i didn't have anymore things", "to say, i recognize a girl that is in one of my", "class.", "i say ''hey, i know you, you're in one of my", "class''.", "she says ''oh i've never seen you''.", "i say ''yeah, i've noticed you. i actually notice", "every cute girl in my classes since i've got", "nothing else to do. when i come in to a class, i", "look for the pretty girls and i decide which one", "i'm gonna sit next too''", "at this point, she isn't really laughing and i", "think i came out as some sort of creep. one of", "the friends of the girl in the group says ''so", "would you sit next to her?'' and i don't know", "why, i said ''naw, i wouldn't sit next to her''", "(i felt really bad for saying that she's ugly", "when she is actually pretty hot). i say ''hey,", "i'm just joking, i would''", "another of her friend says jokingly ''she doesn't", "seem interested ahah'' i said ''she's not", "interested yet'' and i left it at that since i've", "felt there was enough damage done from my part.", "edit: oops, sorry for the misleading title.", "should've write 2 for 1 instead shah" ]

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[ "throwaway time.", "so i carpool with a nice lady that i work with.", "we will occasionally have some fun on the way to", "and from work. sometimes it's pulling over to the", "side of the highway for a quickie, sometimes it's", "good old fashioned road head. today was one of", "those days.", "so she does her thing, expertly might i add, i", "pop my yop and we continue on to work. great", "start to the day!", "after a little while i get up to get a coffee. as", "i'm walking to the coffee machine, i happen to", "look down. right in the middle of my shirt, which", "has fairly large white stripes on it, is a", "strange looking beige smudge. weird, it's just", "about the same colour as her cover-up.", "it seems that while we were enjoying ourselves,", "she had the side of her face pressed up against", "my stomach and her makeup had rubbed off onto my", "shirt.", "i quickly grab my coffee. on the way back to my", "desk i pass her in the hall way. i point to my", "stomach and i can see the initial confusion and", "then the eventual realisation of what i'm", "pointing out, cross her face. she turns bright", "red and mouths 'fuck, i'm sorry!' i then spend", "the rest of the morning rubbing my stomach, like", "a pregnant lady rubs her baby, trying to get this", "large mark off my shirt." ]

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[ "i was tailgating at miller park to watch the", "milwaukee brewers game. i was with a group from a", "bar and we decided to finish our drinks outside", "the sausage house, a building with restrooms and", "catering hall, on the way into the stadium. i", "determined i needed to take a digger, so i went", "into one of the stalls in the men's room. i put", "my full vodka and lemonade on the tp holder and", "proceeded to conduct my business. some asshole", "decided to slam the door to the stall next to me", "and my full drink landed directly in my boxers", "and shorts, that were resting at my ankles. it", "looked like i unloaded a bladder full of beers in", "my shorts. luckily, it was so damn hot they dried", "in 25 minutes." ]

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[ "backstory: met one of her bffs, let's call this", "bff h, at a mutual friend's birthday bonfire (his", "name's bbf). we got to talking about", "relationships and so forth, and she told me her", "friend, now referred to as m, just got out of a", "relationship and is looking to hook-up with", "someone. h gives me m's number and....", "!no more backstory past this point! m and i text", "for a couple of hours, and m seems genuinely", "interested. we set a date to go out to a", "mongolian bbq place for dinner(ok, maybe dinner", "wasn't an amazing idea for hookup date)2 days in", "advance. m texts me from when i wake up till when", "i go to sleep both days before our dinner date.", "as the night approaches, i get ready for the", "night ahead .", "http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121103014", "958/spongefan/images/a/a5/spongebob_time_card_2.pn", "g", "i meet m and some of m's friends which she", "brought along, including h, and lets call the", "others a and l, they promptly left when m and i", "went into the dining establishment, only to", "rejoin us after dinner was over. m and i had a", "good time at dinner then walked around the area", "with her friends. m and i had started flirting", "about how she only had once piece of gum left,", "which she was chewing, and talked about sharing", "it. commence makeout in 3...2...1...we have", "makeout, houston. anyway, we both enjoyed and", "continued talking with her friends, until they", "proposed to go back to h's house.", "http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100329142", "002/spongebob/images/7/72/twentyminuteslater.jpg", "we arrive at h's house and go into h's room. a", "proposes a, h, and l go swimming in giant pool,", "while leaving me and m alone. a, h, and l proceed", "to leave m and i in h's room alone on h's bed. we", "begin makeout session for ~45 minutes, in this", "time i try to go farther with m, kiss chest,try", "to go for the boobs but she says no each time i", "try. me being horny young male with too much", "testosterone, and a persistent person,", "continually try to go farther, maybe 6 times(bad", "move), she keeps saying no, but continues", "kissing. after this is done, i say goodbye and", "try to get back home before curfew.", "http://images.wikia.com/spongebob/images/0/02/the", "nextday3.jpg", "try texting m the next day, all i get are curt", "responses, nothing close to before when she would", "keep the conversations moving as best she could.", "after awhile i can't take holding up the", "conversation and end it. two days later i go to", "bbf's house, hangout and ask advice, because he", "knows m. he texts h, and h tells bbf to tell me", "to ask m why, and if it was a one night thing. i", "then text m and she tells me it was a one time", "thing because \"i can't take no for an answer\". i", "apologize and m forgives me, but it was too late." ]

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[ "i went to bed at about 6 am last night and woke up", "at about 8 this morning, only getting two hours", "of sleep. i don't have school or work today, so i", "went about being lazy with the day. i ate", "breakfast, browsed reddit, watched some tv.", "i was a little melancholy about being alone and", "not having any plans on valentine's day, and so", "far the only valentine's day text i had received", "was from my sister.", "at about noon i was getting really sleepy. i went", "to my bedroom to take a nap. i was only expecting", "to nap for an hour tops, but lo and behold, i", "wake up at four and have a billion texts from", "this boy that i really, really, really, like,", "sent just after i fell asleep, asking if i'd like", "to go on a date with him at two o'clock. i woke", "up two hours past that and i feel so fucking", "stupid.", "i can't believe i unknowingly sabotaged my chance", "at my first valentine's day date with a guy that", "i have been quietly hoping would ask me out all", "month for valentine's day.", "i'm a fucking idiot.", "edit: i've tried getting a hold of him and he", "hasn't been responding..." ]

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[ "...*sigh*. the title pretty much says it all, but", "ill explain a bit.", "start the story realizing that i got up at 530am", "to get ready for work, and am still a little", "groggy from my ambien i took the night before.", "to top that off i had dental work done yesterday,", "so the first thing i did this morning was take", "some vicodin (on an empty stomach) which was", "prescribed to me for pain. i turned on the", "coffee pot, and the warmer plate up to high", "because, well, my fiancé likes his coffee to go", "into the thermos hot, dammit.", "i think we can all see where this is going.", "he wakes up, i pour the coffee into his thermos", "and there's just over a mugs worth in there. i", "give him the mug and he sits down to drink it. i", "go work on some dishes. my ocd starts driving me", "up the wall knowing i've cleaned all the dishes", "in the kitchen, but that i can't rinse the coffee", "pot yet cause there's a sip or two of coffee left", "in there. assuming he has by now drank enough to", "be \"topped off,\" i bring the coffee pot to him", "and proceed to pour the coffee into his cup.", "only it wasn't his cup, it was directly onto his", "testicles, only shielded by boxers. which don't", "make a good barrier from hot liquids. :/.", "fiancé jumped up, checked them out and those", "suckers were scalded and red. :(. i officially", "suck.", "happy valentine's day, i suppose." ]

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[ "tifu at making smart decisions. this probably wont", "be terribly exciting, but this morning my unit", "had a ruck march scheduled. its a 5 mile and 50", "lbs ruck. when i woke up and got dressed, i", "looked between my newer more comfortable boots", "and an older and heavier pair. i grab the old", "pair because they are closer.", "and that is how i ended up with blisters all over", "the bottoms of my feet.", "side note: i drive a manual and stepping on the", "clutch has been hell all day." ]

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[ "throwaway for decent enough reasons.", "last weekend i went to visit my girlfriend of", "about 4 years. we've spent the last year getting", "pretty into bondage, so when i went i brought a", "few of our toys from my place in my school", "backpack. when i left on sunday i took *all* of", "our combined toys back with me (at least the", "portable ones) because she didn't want her", "roommate to find them at any point. i put them in", "the non-notebooks compartment of my backpack and", "went about my week, a little curious as to why my", "bag was heavier than usual but not thinking much", "of it.", "i should mention now that my backpack is about", "ten years old and the zippers are getting a", "little faulty. so about an hour ago i'm walking", "into math class, and i guess the weight of that", "textbook was too much on my bag because as i'm", "walking in front of the class to take my seat, my", "backpack's zipper finally snaps and out flies", "everything, and i mean **everything**. within", "three seconds i turn around to see a trail of my", "perverted inventory. here's what i, and the rest", "of my class including my professor sees strewn", "about the floor:", "a ballgag, a spider gag (keeps the mouth open),", "handcuffs, blindfolds, leather lingerie and", "chaps, two buttplugs, a collar and a leash, a", "corset, and a small red dildo.", "what made it even worse was that is wasnt all", "condensed in one area, it was a line about 4 feet", "long of our toys. i had to pick them up piece by", "piece and scramble to my desk. when i got to my", "desk, the girl who sits next to me says \"you", "forgot something,\" and i have to stand back up to", "go pick up the spider gag.", "i have to see these people every day for the rest", "of the semester and probably in subsequent", "classes, considering my major is math and we're", "in higher-level courses.", "**edit**: thanks for taking my situation and", "turning it from me feeling like a loser into", "somewhat of a winner. you guys made my", "day/night/everything." ]

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[ "i was using my galaxy tablet reddit app as a", "newspaper while i was dropping the kids off at", "the pool, for those who might not get the last", "half of the last line, i was taking a dump. i got", "so tuned into reading all sorts of stuff from the", "front page that a good long period of time passes", "by, realising that i had been sitting on the", "toilet naked for ages, decided to put my galaxy", "down so i can stand up to wipe, get halfway up", "and then feel myself falling forward, before i", "know it i've just rammed my head into the", "bathroom door. i wake up laying on the tile", "floor, still naked, with my mother heavily", "knocking on the door and shouting if i am ok and", "what is going on. i get up and tell her i fell", "into the door and she laughs then tells me to", "shower coz the bathroom stinks.", "reading reddit while on the shitter and legs fall", "asleep, try to get up and end up headbutting the", "door, knocking myself out. when i tell mum what", "happened she laughs and tells me that i smell", "like shit and to take a shower." ]

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[ "this happened to me last summer, but i thought i", "might as well share this chain reaction fuck up.", "so they day started off as normal and i decided", "to take a run at the local trail. after my run i", "decided to drink my gatorade and sit on the bench", "right next to the parking lot. i get back in my", "car and as i'm driving home, i realize i left my", "shirt and phone on the roof of my car. i drive", "back to the parking lot and in the entrance is my", "shirt and obliterated phone. fuck up #1.", "naturally being a dumb teenager, i went out and", "impulse bought a new cell phone. i got home and", "my parents informed me that i had insurance on my", "old phone and that i just wasted $300. so me and", "my dad went back to the phone store to put the", "money back on my card....... and i lost my", "wallet. fuck up #2. so my went back home to grab", "my wallet. he searched in my car for it and", "conveniently found my bubbler, 2 bowls, and a", "little over an 1/8 of weed, which he then", "disposed of. fuck up #3. after getting torn a new", "one from my dad i was then phone less, car-less,", "weed-less, and wallet-less." ]

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[ "backstory:", "so, as a teenager, i have to text my mother", "letting her know i arrived at school safely. i", "had just gotten an iphone 4 the other week and it", "was raining, like drizzling.", "what happened:", "as i'm walking under a scaffold, i decide to take", "my phone out and text her. one (and i mean one)", "drop of rain drips onto it and i didn't give a", "fuck because i didn't think the drop would do", "anything.", "(a week later, actually a few hours before i", "typed this)", "so i'm at the apple store's \"genius bar\" (a bit", "pretentious, apple?) and they tell me that water", "damage isn't covered. so they said they cannot", "fix the water damage (which is a lie, but doing", "so yourself will void the warranty) so i was", "given another iphone which i had to pay for.", "scumbag apple..." ]

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[ "**", "so i was playing around with this thing called", "sendgrid. it allows you to send e-mails through a", "relay server. the important thing to note here is", "with these kind of servers, you can send an", "e-mail using any address in the \"from\" field. in", "short, it allows e-mail spoofing.", "i had been watching tpb and wikileaks", "documentaries. i got carried away yesterday and", "sent a mass mail to my whole batch at midnight", "declaring that all the lectures of the next day", "have been cancelled. i used the registrar's", "e-mail address as the sender. that must be one of", "the stupidest mistakes of my life. the actual", "registrar then sent a mail saying that his", "account had been \"hacked\" and no classes have", "been cancelled.", "our university has the bloody cyberoam. cyberoam", "keeps a track of what kind of activity each user", "is doing. i got caught and had to meet the", "registrar today. with the all the logs in front", "of me, i can't even deny my actions. i had to", "give in a written apology.", "i'll probably be called before the disciplinary", "action committee. it's a bunch of soul-less", "professors. i think i might get removed from the", "university hostel for a semester. that's bad", "because living anywhere else is very costly.", "edit: i do understand that i have been an idiot,", "and very childish, wasn't really trying to hurt", "anybody..it was just a very thoughtless attempt", "at temporary amusement" ]

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[ "it was a long night as my 7 month old was having a", "rough night. in the morning, i grabbed two things", "to bring into bathroom to get ready... my eye", "drops for my contacts and some campho-phenique", "for my horrible chapped lips.", "dropped some eye drops unto my lips and figured", "it was just super liquidy because maybe my lips", "were not as dry anymore. got to the eye part, put", "some campho-phenique on my finger, and was about", "to put it on my eye when my 7 month old starts", "crying. i realize my error with the", "campho-phenique and was glad my son snapped me", "out before this happened.", "ran to get him, wiped my eye and realized i", "forgot to clean it off my finger. after several", "rinses and 3 hours later, my eye doesn't burn", "anymore. it just feels a bit numb." ]

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[ "so, i ride a comutter train to work and therefore", "purchase a monthly ticket. i arrived at the", "ticket kiosk at the last minute, the train was", "pulling into the statiin. i could have prevented", "this all together had i not left my wallet at", "home last fiday and purchased my ticket then. so", "here i am on monday. i pulled into the parking", "lot and sat in my truck, listening to the radio,", "and enjoying the warm air. it is near 30", "everyday degrees outside.", "there is an app i use to track the location of", "the train in real time. so, when the train", "starts to get close, i began making my way to the", "train platform. the train horn blows.....then it", "hits me. crap!!! i didnt get my march ticket! i", "rush over to one of two kiosks and quickly punch", "in my order on the touch screen. inserting my", "bank card, a message is displayed saying the", "transaction could not be completed. i pull out", "another card, noticing someone standing behind", "me. the train now pulling into the station. the", "adrenaline starts pumping. i put in the other", "card....wait....waiting.... no!!!! another", "message appears saying the transaction cannot be", "completed. i pull out my card....the lady", "standing behind me waives her hands as if to say", "\"move out of my way\". she is clearly in a hurry.", "people are now boarding the train. i walk a few", "feet away. i will have to catch the next train.", "dang it! today is all read starting to suck!", "using my bank's app, i checked my account", "balances. as i figured, i had insufficient funds", "in both accounts. so, i transferred funds. i", "thought to myself how wonderful technology was.", "i was dissapointed in myself for not remembering", "to get the ticket once i arrived at the station,", "some 15 minutes before the train pulled in.", "i walk bqck over to the kiosk, ready to purchase", "my monthly ticket. as i begin to punch in my", "destination info, i look down. what is this", "inthe ground? its a ticket. i guve it a look", "over, its worth $188.20. its to my destination.", "my heart fell nnto my stomach. i assume the", "lady was in such a hurry, she dropped her ticket", "after purchasing it. she boarded the", "train...with no ticket. conductors ask for", "tickets. if you dont have a ticket, you get a", "$150 citation and have to go to court to resolve", "the ticket. i have the lady's ticket and dont", "know who she is or what she looks like.", "i got a free monthly ticket but feel like crap." ]

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[ "this started last night at work: a wine and liquor", "store in a fairly nice part of my town. around", "5pm an average looking guy came in and explained", "that he had accidentally locked his keys in his", "car while picking it up from the auto repair shop", "next door. he asked if we had a coat hanger or", "something that he could use to pry the door open.", "i told him that we didn't have any coat hangers", "and that i couldn't think of anything that he", "might be able to use. then he wondered if we had", "a doorstop and i said that, yes, we did. i let", "him borrow it, telling him that we really needed", "it back, please, and he replied that, yes he", "would bring it right back. fast forward to 8:45,", "just fifteen minutes before closing, and the guy", "has yet to return, with or without our doorstop.", "boss showed up to close the store and i had to", "explain that i gave his hunk of wood to a dude", "who never brought it back. i figured he had", "either forgotten or accidentally broke it and was", "too ashamed to admit it. boss, however, was", "absolutely positive that he had seen our rare and", "wondrous door stopping device and simply had to", "have it. \"he's a fuckin' thief!\" he said over and", "over, \"do you know how hard it is to find those?", "he just wanted my doorstop!\" i apologized", "profusely and told him i would get him another as", "soon as possible. i planned on going to lowe's", "and having them cut me one from some scrap. hard", "to find my ass. i ended up having some scrap wood", "at home and asked my dad to cut one for me since", "i can't work his saw, and took the new doorstop", "over to the store around 3 this afternoon. we're", "closed on sundays but most of the time boss is", "there doing paperwork. he wasn't, though, when i", "got there so i set the doorstop on the mat next", "to the door. boss isn't terribly observant though", "so i went back and moved it to the window ledge", "so he wouldn't trip on it. upon leaving, however,", "i found two police cars blocking my way.", "something had set the alarm off, even though i", "didn't even touch the door! they thought i was a", "burglar. i told them i worked there and was just", "dropping something off. they told me to stick", "around until boss got there to verify my story.", "when he finally got there 45 minutes later i was", "freezing my tits off in the 35 degree wind and", "got bitched at again for setting off the alarm", "even though i have no idea how i managed it.", "so much for trying to help people out.", "the cops were pretty stand up guys though, and", "were glad to chat with me while we waited.", "update! boss called me today to tell me that the", "guy who stole the doorstop was a man who recently", "got fired from the restaurant around the corner,", "and indeed had his car worked on recently and", "probably did lock his keys in it, but i'm", "guessing that he wasn't able to get the door", "wedged open and just didn't bother to bring it", "back since he's apparently a nut job. boss also", "said that the guy was a heroin addict (probably", "why he got fired) and that he's really messed up.", "the bartender at the restaurant texted him", "demanding the doorstop back so we'll see. anyway,", "boss seemed to be in a fine mood so i guess i'm", "off the hook." ]

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[ "this actually happened friday, but i haven't been", "on reddit in a while. anyway, i decided to wear", "my favorite pair of light blue jeans. i noticed", "there was a small tear starting along the right", "leg, but i figured they were pretty durable jeans", "and they would hold up. well, i was horribly", "mistaken. i'm in school and third period rolls", "around when i notice a massive crotch hole in my", "pants. the thing stretched from my balls to my", "ass. i spent the rest of the day waddling around", "with my legs closed and pushing my chair way too", "far into my desk as to remain unexposed. to", "everyone that wasn't aware of my dilemma, it", "looked like i was trying to conceal an erection", "throughout the entire day. i tried to cover it up", "with blue duct tape that i found on a teachers", "desk, but it just stood out more." ]

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[ "let me start by saying, my sense of humor can be", "summed up in one click: /r/imgoingtohellforthis", "in health class we recently got a new workbook. a", "softcover book, that we keep. in a fit of", "boredom, i flipped through the book and, on every", "image of a person, drew something very offensive.", "swastikas, penises, racism, sexism, religion-ism,", "you name it. on the back of the book, there was a", "picture i drew of jesus, on a cross, crying for", "help. i had not realized i left the book in", "class. my teacher saw it, then brought it to the", "office.", "about a week later, i get called down to the", "office. i sat in front of the office for about 20", "minutes, trying to remember what i did to get", "called down there. when the principle finally", "called me in, i had decided i did not do anything", "wrong. i walked in the office, and the first", "thing i saw was my health book, lying on the", "desk. shit. the principal, the guidance", "counselor, and my teacher were all there. i was", "asked about sexual abuse in my childhood (of", "which i have none). when you get down to it,", "they were making this out to be a cry for help,", "and using the picture of jesus on the back to", "convince me that i need therapy.", "when the day eventually ended, i went home, and", "had to confront my mother (who knows about my", "sense of humor). i walked in the front door, and", "was greeted with, \"you're a fucking dumbass\".", "then we laughed about the whole book ordeal.", "on monday, my mother is coming in to convince my", "counselor i do not need any therapy. after this", "happens i will come back here, and make an update", "post." ]

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[ "i literally just started working at a frozen", "yogurt shop. apparently, there was a mandatory", "staff meeting yesterday, and an email was sent", "out about it earlier in the week. however, my", "only access to the internet is through my phone,", "because i can no longer afford prices from major", "telecom providers.", "the first email explained there was a meeting,", "what time to be there, and that it was mandatory.", "the second email was sent yesterday, 5 minutes", "into the meeting, letting me know i missed the", "meeting, and letting me know that i need to let", "them know in the future if i can't make it.", "the third email was sent today, at 9 am est,", "letting me know i was being let off because i", "don't respect the business, and can't even be", "bothered to respond to an email.", "now, my phone is incredibly important to me, for", "reasons just like this one. my boss loves sending", "emails, rather than saying something in person.", "so, i spent the last week trying to sell off my", "useless possessions to be able to afford my cell", "bill, and finally, around 4 pm est today, i was", "able to make the payment. service was immediately", "resumed, and i checked my email. guess what was", "waiting for me? an email letting me know i'm", "fired.", "now, i feel that this is unacceptable. i let my", "boss know what the problem was, and why i", "couldn't respond to his emails, but he's told me", "he must stick with his decision.", "not only is that not right, but i have worked my", "ass off for this man, after waiting months for", "the store to open so i could actually start work.", "i work the night shift, from 5 pm - 12 am or so,", "and make sure all the machines are clean for", "whoever comes in the morning. i clean the dishes", "and begin prep for tomorrow, all to make sure his", "job is easier when he gets there in the morning.", "all in all, maybe i shouldn't be so upset about", "losing a job where i was obviously unappreciated,", "but i also might lose my girlfriend over this.", "she was never fond of the fact that i don't go to", "school, and losing my job has her second guessing", "everything.", "so, i guess i should subscribe to /r/unemployed,", "and begin the tedious task of job searching for", "the next few months." ]

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[ "this is a second half a tifu (i'll spare everyone", "the other). i wanted a wet/dry shop vac for my", "garage, and bought a bargain one at a", "liquidator/take-back outlet store. i got it for", "about half what i would have paid brand new, but", "part of the deal was that it was as-is and no", "return. we opened the box and it looked good,", "plugged it in and it sounded good, so fine, i'll", "take it.", "got it home and realized it had no hose and no", "attachments, just the extension nozzles. i was", "so focused on the vac condition that i hadn't", "noticed the lack of other stuff.", "ended up buying a hose and an adapter, which cost", "more than i paid for the vacuum. got", "home--everything worked. then i realized i", "should probably check the filter. opened it up", "and--there was the original hose, coiled up", "inside the tank.", "oh, and the filter's filthy. i could have spent", "the money on a filter instead." ]

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[ "okay, new boyfriend, everything is wonderful, i'm", "at his parent's house with him in the games room", "and things are getting steamy. the games room is", "at the back of the house and his parents are in", "the front room watching tv.", "being the young risk takers we are, we start", "going at it doggy-style on the floor. having", "requested for him not to fap for a few days to", "make his orgasm really powerful, he gets into it", "pretty intensely and in the heat of the moment", "gives me my first creampie.", "he cums buckets in me, pulls out and puts", "everything away just in case we get walked in on.", "i lean back, pull my pants up, sit down and begin", "to do the largest, longest queef i have ever", "heard. it sounds like a diarrhoea fart of the", "worst kind and last about 30 seconds. there's no", "way his parents can't hear it. the fluid is", "sputtering out of my cavity like a waterfall", "accompanied by all the air that'd been pounded in", "there from the shenanigans. he's laughing, i'm", "laughing, which is only making me queef more, and", "all the while his load is spilling out of me", "through my underwear *and* trousers. i get up", "from the event, still sputtering, and he points", "out a huge wet stripe down the back of my", "trousers.", "needless to say the walk of shame up the stairs", "to the bathroom was not an easy one." ]

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[ "preface; this happened some time before i heard of", "/r/tifu (ie not today)", "the time of year had once again rolled around for", "my army cadets unit to go hiking. therefore, off", "we went for the weekend to the nearest", "government-owned land, an army base three hours", "away. i don't really know how big the dang thing", "is, but the majority of the \"base\" is one big", "wilderness that they use for practicing with", "artillery and other training. we never get", "anywhere near anything bigger than a firewatch", "shack on these things.", "anyways, on day 2, we'd already walked for a", "morning. sunny day, hilly terrain, gigantic sandy", "strips for the purpose of breaking potential", "fires. (because artillery shells can light them,", "it seems) it was around 11, we'd just reached a", "clearing, and the hill in the middle of it looked", "very appealing.", "\"alright, take a break\"", "aww yeah, here we go. for the first time in my", "life, instead of sitting, i've found ground at", "the perfect slope to fall into a sitting position", "without injuring myself on the large, heavy", "rucksack on my back. seriously, for a kid mid to", "early teens, the metal framework on those weighs", "a ton.", "down i go, down, down, down, ahh. nothing has", "ever felt so goo...", "owowowowow!!!", "unable to immediately stand (as movement of the", "leg caused increased pain) i rolled halfway over", "to see the problem. what greeted me took a short", "while to comprehend. i saw about a dozen small", "plants, slightly larger than a toonie each, with", "inch-long spikes extending at all angles. my", "(wimpy) shouts of (mostly surprise and) agony", "soon drew the attention of my squadmates. they", "were polite enough not to laugh, but the nearest", "officer had a chuckle as he lent me his multitool", "to rip the bloody things out.", "all told, i removed a rather impressive arsenal", "from my leg and left buttock. oddly enough, the", "large spike sunk a full centimeter into my leg", "bled not at all, while the tiny spike barely", "breaking the surface released at least a teaspoon", "and a half of blood to run down my shin.", "two years later, i also managed to remove the", "last spike from between the layers of my track", "pants.", "sadly, those horrific torture-plants became", "increasingly common as our trip progressed.", "including when we got back to our initial camp,", "which hadn't seemed to be infested the first time", "we were there." ]

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[ "this is a more cringeworthy tifu post.today i went", "clothes shopping. and in my area, many of the", "clothing stores are staffed by attractive women.", "so being the male that i am, i didn't mind asking", "for help and flirting with one particular cashier", "who had a better eye for fashion. when i finally", "pick out a few shirts, she takes me to the", "counter and rings me up. she then says,\" i'm glad", "you found something you like!\". now i like to", "think of myself as a brave guy, trying out jokes", "on random folks i meet. also, i'm a younger guy,", "so i figured that this particular statement would", "work.\ri was wrong. \r\"yeah, well my mom normally", "does all my shopping, so this is a first for", "me!\"\rimmediately after i said that, her smile", "lost a few molars, and a nearby coworker did", "everything to keep from laughing. her forced", "response \" well it's good that you're getting out", "there!\".\rand i left, never to return." ]

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[ "okay, so a little background info: my sister is 14", "and is a huge drama queen. she over exaggerates", "everything and always have. so, today was no", "different in my book.", "she came into my room about 1:00 this morning to", "talk. we (mostly i) spoke about our feelings", "towards my parents (divorced, he lives in nyc and", "she lives in tx, we live with her, he has decided", "to sue for custody) and emotional issues (she's", "constantly angry and i'm depressed). we talked", "for about two hours and then i started rambling", "and she wasn't responding, so i assumed she was", "listening and carried on talking.", "a few minutes later, i realized that she had a", "funny look on her face. i asked if she was okay", "and she couldn't respond. about half a minute", "later when she did, she told me she felt trapped", "in her body and like she couldn't move. being the", "drama mama that she is, i decided she was joking,", "as she often does things like this.", "twenty minutes later she still couldn't move. she", "rolled off of my bed on to the floor and laid", "there for a good fifteen minutes. i was making", "jokes at her, calling her an inchworm and such.", "\"what's the hardest part about eating a", "vegetable?\"", "\"chewing?\" \n\"the wheelchair.\"", "around ten minutes later, she starts twitching.", "then she starts uncontrollably shaking (not", "seizing, i'm epileptic and would have noticed", "that instantly). at first i didn't know what to", "do, so i dragged her by her arms out of my room", "and ran and got my mom.", "we deliberated for about fifteen minutes before", "calling 911. her shaking gradually got worse and", "she said she was so cold. the ambulance came and", "took us to the hospital.", "they took her through triage and whatnot, and", "when the doctor came in, she asked to perform a", "rectal exam. (this gave me a seizure, a gelastic", "one, for anyone who cares.) so my mother and i", "stepped outside to let the doctor work.", "apparently my sister had a very bad anxiety/panic", "attack stemming from a lack of sleep and stress.", "we just got back from the hospital.", "edit: my father has decided not to follow through", "with the custody battle. thanks for listening,", "reddit :)" ]

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[ "so this happened last night.", "me and my bf got some alcohol last night, he got", "cider and i got wine. i thought it would be fun", "to get tipsy and have sex, cause its generally", "pretty fun. well no that didn't happen.", "so we were in bed and i've had 5 glasses of wine,", "feeling the perfect tipsy, i got into my lingerie", "and m bf was finding us something to watch to set", "the mood, just for a little fun.", "and it had been maybe half an hour and i felt", "something happening, i sat up, and puked into my", "hand and all over the carpet.", "so my bf slowly leads me to the bathroom to clean", "myself up and incase i need to again, while he's", "cleaning everything up while dry-gagging on the", "stench.", "so i got into my flannel pjs cause that was the", "end.", "and thenn, it happened again, this time i had a", "bowl, my hair was in the bowl covered and it was", "just bad.", "but he was there next to me before i knew it and", "have me a hair tie to put my hair back." ]

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[ "alright. from the title you may think that this is", "just another fuck up about jerking off after", "touching peppers. but no. this is worse. also,", "this fuck up happened last night, but i had to", "suffer the consequences today.", "i recently went to the dermatologist about these", "bumps on my skin which i thought were eczema. i", "was pissed about possibly having an auto-immune", "disease, but after taking a look at my arm, i was", "told i have a fairly common condition known as", "keratosis pilaris. if you're unfamiliar with it,", "it basically means that my skin is so dry, that", "hair follicles cannot break through my skin and", "so they pile up underneath and cause bumps. the", "dermatologist gave me several samples of a cream", "that would get rid of them. all that the cream", "does is make my skin peel so my skin will be soft", "enough for the hair to break through. you can see", "where this is going..", "so, later that night, i put the cream over these", "bumps on my arms, chest, shoulders, stomach,", "face, and stray bumps in random areas. right", "after i was done, i didn't think about washing my", "hands. but i did get a random boner and decide to", "jerk off. i put lotion on my hand, turned on the", "porn, fapped away, and fell asleep.", "i woke up in the morning, and went to the", "bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. i took off", "my shirt, saw that my shoulders, chest, stomach,", "and face started peeling, and it itched like", "crazy. it was annoying because i also couldn't", "hide the fact that my face was flaking. i took my", "pants off for the shower, and lo and behold, my", "dick was peeling. shaft, head, and somehow, my", "balls. the balls itched way more than anything", "else. i couldn't stop scratching. and since i was", "scratching bare balls so much, they started", "bleeding.", "so there i am, in the bathroom, scratching my", "bloody balls and trying to flake all the dead", "skin off of my penis. i just decided to take a", "shower and try to ignore it, but it was no use. i", "was scratching my balls all day, and it was", "horrible." ]

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[ "i work as part of it for the department of child", "support services, and this group is are a lively", "bunch of individuals.", "taking some inspiration [from this", "post](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16hq", "f0/one_pair_of_googly_eyes_one_trip_to_target/)", "i asked one of my coworkers to purchase me a", "package of googly eyes to decorate these", "motivational posters for child support.", "i started in our little area to see how these", "turned out,", "[hilarious](http://i.imgur.com/ooqk6eph.jpg) and", "so [every](http://i.imgur.com/m7ydvos.jpg)", "[time](http://i.imgur.com/qgjczpph.jpg) i went", "out to answer a ticket, i would place another", "pair of eyes on another poster until i had an", "[album](http://imgur.com/a/sefja) of joy to throw", "around, thinking \"what harm could be done with", "some googly eyes?\" as they came off easily during", "my initial test run.", "about two weeks ago i got a call from two of our", "higher up managers calling me and my coworkers", "for a meeting, we are in a transition period so", "we all thought it was a nice little meeting of", "what is to come and the changes ahead for the", "section. turns out there is a investigation going", "on for vandalism and destruction of dcss property", "and all four of us were involved via video", "evidence.", "thinking to myself \"well my friends didn't do", "anything, i'll tell them that i was the one that", "did googly eyes as a lighthearted measure of fun\"", "the investigation comes around and i tell them", "exactly that, they report to me that i will find", "out what will happen in a week. seeing that this", "is a bigger issue than i initially thought, i", "went to go apologize to the graphics artists and", "tell them that i was the one placing the googly", "eyes onto the posters, to my surprise, they were", "really cool about it and laughed about it.", "a week later, my coworkers get a letter of", "reprimand stating that they observed me placing", "googly eyes on a poster and did not report the", "vandalism. my turn comes around and i'm called", "into my managers office with our hr person and", "i'm handed a packet containing [this", "letter](http://imgur.com/a/vhxvh) and supporting", "documents.", "as a result of the googly eyes, $846.85 dollars", "of damages was caused broken down into:", "* three 6' x 2' posters @ $35.40 each", "* one 3' x '2 poster @ $20.65", "* repair, patch and paint one wall @ $480.00", "([the damage](http://i.imgur.com/zmmql9e.png))", "* installation of signs @ $240.00", "additionally, my probation is also rejected which", "puts me down a paygrade and rank." ]

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[ "so, today after dinner at around 8pm myself and my", "household decided to take a stroll. it started", "like any other stroll, except tonight we turned", "right at a particular field rather than going", "straight ahead. because our dog is a lurcher she", "loves to run around, so we let her off the leash", "when we reach an open field full of stubble. so,", "as we walked up the other pathway, we see a", "couple with their dog, politely say hi and", "continue walking. a few moments later, our dog,", "nala, goes out of sight, seconds pass and i hear", "her barking, so i ran to find her and see that", "she is chasing sheep. to get to the sheep all i", "had to do was walk over a small gap in the", "hedges. i started shouting her name, and of", "course, no response, so i ran up to her and pick", "her up after she has been chasing the sheep for", "about 15 seconds at the most. i hear the farmer's", "dogs barking... you can see where this is going.", "but it gets better, these sheep that my dog was", "chasing, were not only pregnant, but were", "pedigree, and their lambs worth lotsa money. i", "gave the farmer our details as he needs to", "contact the police for the 'dog attack', and soon", "we will be visited by them etc etc. in about 10", "days we will be notified if there have been any", "miscarriages, and if there are then we will be", "fined. and we have no home insurance to cover it,", "and i am a fucking student... but the annoying", "thing is that the path was right next to a public", "footpath, and there were no signs saying 'private", "land, do not tresspass' etc, or at least it was", "too dark to see them, and on top of that, there", "was no fucking fence or anything protecting the", "sheep in the first place!!! -__________________-" ]

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[ "so. i work in an hour and a half, and am terribly", "lazy.", "every day, rather than ironing my work uniform, i", "just toss it into the dryer for a while before", "getting dressed. today was a day like any other,", "except that by chance i woke up unusually early.", "no problem- hop out of bed, usual routine, toss", "my clothes in the dryer, set timer for longer so", "they'll be ready in time to get dressed for work,", "go about my business. right?", "so, instead of twenty minutes, they're in the", "dryer for an hour and a half. i pull the clothes", "out a few minutes ago, rub them on my face for", "the glorious warmth, like you do, and proceed to", "get dressed...", "it's important to note that i generally go", "commando, so there was nothing to protect my bits", "'n berries from the searing awfulness that", "happened next.", "ever get into a car that's been in the sun for a", "while on a hot day, and touch the seatbelt clasp", "by mistake? imagine that, only instead of a clasp", "it's a red hot zipper, and instead of your arm or", "hand or whatever, it's the skin at the base of", "your shaft where it connects to the sack (if you", "don't own a penis, imagine it's your nipple; same", "kind of sensitive). basically that, but moreso.", "there was an audible sizzle and the smell of", "burnt flesh, and my vision went white for a", "moment as searing pain overtook every fiber of my", "being. that shit *hurt*.", "there's a blister there now about the size of a", "pencil eraser. i have to go to work, and remain", "standing in front of customers for the duration", "of a four hour shift, with a blister the size of", "an eraser rubbing back and forth between my shaft", "and balls. this is actively the worst thing,", "reddit. the worst." ]

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[ "i was texting a girl i like but we are just", "friends ( i asked her out before but got let", "down gently) and the conversation went like this:", "me: how is your family\nher: i hate my family!!!!", "i tried to back out but she carried on", "her: they r disgusting ppl who want me to die!!", "which will be soon!!!", "me:calm down you over exaggerating.", "she tells me about this mental disorder which is", "fake, i looked it up. she says the exploit this", "illness and it makes her cut herself. i then", "joked 'thats why (boy you like) dumped you' and", "she went ballistic. 3 hours later and i'm going", "be murdered because i'm insensitive." ]

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[ "today i fucked up by trusting a fart which was not", "actually a fart.", "fortunately, i was using the urinal at the time,", "so i was able to quickly switch to the stall, but", "not before causing irreparable damage to my", "underwear and pants.", "the worst part is, i had to go home, shower, and", "change, making me late for my son's first holiday", "concert! it was either that, or show up smelling", "like shit :(" ]

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[ "it's the weekend. most people would be off", "work/school and chilling. me? i went to school", "today because i was doing some music coursework.", "i then went shopping afterwards. i left the house", "at 9:00 (i shouldn't even be awake at that time", "on a saturday, let alone out of bed). i got back", "at about 18:00. i'm absolutely shitted, and", "decided to treat myself to having a bath, which", "is a luxury as baths make my hair go weird and so", "i can't have them during the week as i have to", "style my hair and all that stupid shit.", "the bath was shit. the bath water was all from", "the hot tap, yet there was no hot water in the", "bathtub.", "i leave the bathroom and begin to listen to some", "music in my nakedness while drying myself. my mum", "always gets pissed at me whenever i don't wash", "out the bath as soon as i get out of the bath, so", "i go to do that, as well as put my jewellery back", "on and get my clothes from off the floor. my mum", "was in her room and doing something for her boss.", "my brother had his friend over, but they were", "downstairs watching some stupid videos. i figured", "that if one of them were to come up then i would", "either hear it, or the laughter will stop.", "*you'd have thought*", "i was rinsing the bath out, and thought i heard", "my mum call out. i open the door and see my", "brother's friend standing there. he looks at me,", "i look at him. i hide behind the door. he", "continues to look at me with a [shocked/terrified", "face](http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a624/br", "ainiacnovellover/bth_obama-shocked-face_zps45cdf79", "9.png).", "turns out my mum was calling me, to tell me that", "she was going out and will return back in about 2", "minutes.", "this kid is in year 7 (first year) and i'm in", "year 11 (last year). he's also in my form..", "***just felt like this needed to be said - i'm", "male. i know the 'dannii' part of my username is", "female, but i'm not. sorry to disappoint..***" ]

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[ "yesterday was a succession of fuckups, every", "individual one being worse than the one before.", "i've never had a truly ridiculous day, so please", "bear with me in this journey.", "the array of fuckups began a week and two days", "ago, when my shitgargling asshole of a suitemate", "maintained a steady parade of people in and out", "of his room from 8pm to 4am, showing off and", "sharing his ounce of weed. i smoke myself, but he", "is the kind of smoker who snapchats everyone on", "his friends list a picture of a bud with a", "lighter for scale and \"omggggggggggg\" and", "\"f*ckdddd upppp ;p\" and other comments that make", "me want to grate blue cheese with his face. this", "isn't the only reason i hate him; that's another", "story. the tl;dr of this kid is \"calls mom in to", "do his cleaning at college and brags about it.\"", "anyway, so it's finals week, on a thursday, and", "he's pulling this fuckery. i'm planning on", "leaving my school in new york on the 20th to go", "on vacation, and then returning home to florida", "on the 28th. however, with the pile of dishes in", "the sink (shitgargler's), trash stinking up the", "dorm (shitgargler's duty, but his mom had to", "work, so), and a neverending stream of", "like-minded individuals all circlejerking over an", "ounce of weed, i had enough. i booked a ticket", "back to florida for friday the 13th. what's the", "worst that could happen?", "**a lot.**", "i'm very frugal; i have to be, with my family's", "economic situation and the loans i took out to go", "to school in new york city, even though i did get", "a pretty great aid package. i searched for hours", "for this ticket, and eventually got one around", "$130, which is very reasonable.", "i had been talking to my ex/current/kind of/long", "distance/ girlfriend about how excited i was to", "come home and see her on the 28th. i was coming", "home two weeks earlier now, but i thought, why", "tell her? it'll be a great surprise.", "fast forward to thursday night. i had squeezed", "two weeks of final paper writing into five days,", "and was hurting. i was exhausted, i was leaving", "town in 20 hours, and i was just done with new", "york in general. suddenly, a text. my friend from", "downstairs wanted to say goodbye before i left.", "turns out, four of us said goodbye to half a", "fifth of jack and half a fifth of cinnamon", "whiskey. i stumble upstairs at 4am, look at my", "paper still pulled up on my computer, shrug, and", "pass out.", "i woke up at 9 to go to my volunteer teaching gig", "in chinatown. it was the last class of the", "semester, so everyone was bringing in home-cooked", "food for a bit of a potluck. at this point, i was", "coming out of the hangover. whiskey normally", "makes me poop like crazy, but i didn't. this", "should have been an enormous red flag to avoid", "eating homemade asian food, but no. the hangover", "must be fed. i ate everything.", "two hours later, i headed to little india to meet", "a professor and class for an end of the year free", "meal. once again, haven't pooped. shouldn't eat", "more food. do anyway.", "now, to get to jfk, i have to take a train", "downtown, transfer, and then take another train", "right to the airport. i 100% believed that i had", "to take the r train to the a train. this was a", "sincere belief of mine. after hauling my bags and", "banjo through the station, i sit down on the r", "train, and look for my stop.", "i don't see my stop.", "i got on the wrong fucking train.", "i was supposed to ride the 6 train to the a", "train, and unless you've ridden the subway in", "nyc, you can't really realize how fucking dumb i", "am. allow me to be clear. *i am fucking dumb.*", "so there i was, laden with bags, standing on the", "corner of some random street where i left the", "train in panic. i was in chinatown, with tons of", "bags, an hour and a half to escape the city", "during rushhour, and not a plan in the world.", "i told you before that i'm a frugal guy. this is", "why i was riding the subway to the airport: one", "ride cost $2.50. that's a sweet deal. however,", "now i am out of time, and out of options. i need", "to take a cab.", "i hailed one down, and asked the driver how much", "a ride to jfk would be. he smiled and said, \"$52,", "sir.\"", "well i about shit my pants. my entire life in new", "york is avoiding spending money, so that i could", "spend it on things i really love, like food, and", "staying warm. now i had no choice. i had to get", "to the airport; i was running out of time.", "i was pouting in the cab, thinking about all of", "the things i could buy for $52. on top of that,", "the driver was farting a little, and kept opening", "the windows to blast his gas out of the cab with", "some frigid wind. now, remember that girl i have", "the complicated thing with? well, thinking i", "still wasn't going to be home until the 28th, she", "was having a little fun by herself, and sexting", "me up like crazy. so here i was, exhausted from", "my day, mad about money, half-chubbed, with the", "smell of fart in my nose.", "most excellent.", "arriving at jfk was easy, security was a proper", "shit show, boarding was a shit show, but", "whatever. i made it to my seat, and promptly", "began to sleep.", "i woke with a start.we were rumbling down the", "runway, and an adorable small child sitting", "across from me began to whimper. i suppose that", "her parents had briefed her on the way to the", "airport: \"okay, darling, your tummy might feel a", "little weird during the flight, that's called", "being seasick.\" i suppose this, because as soon", "as the plane began rolling down the runway at", "speed, the girl began to scream, \"*i'm seasick!", "i'm seasick! i'm seasick!*\"", "she didn't stop until we reached cruising", "altitude, and when she did, i faded into the most", "blissful and well-deserved sleep.", "i wake with a start. the captain is announcing", "our descent into orlando. i wonder why i woke", "with such violence. my stomach responds.", "all that whiskey, all that chinese food, and all", "that indian food, had conspired against me. there", "was quite the successionist movement occurring in", "my bowels, and i was quite content to allow it to", "continue.", "the whimpering child started up her wail once", "again: \"*i'm seasick! i'm seasick! i'm seasick!*\"", "we were descending, i thought with a poop-addled", "brain. that gives me thirty minutes tops. i", "fought my way back through the aisles during", "pretty substantial turbulence, each bump bouncing", "the poop ever more convincingly toward my booty", "hole.", "with the shouts, the bumps, and my exhausted", "mind, the hallway stretched on forever. i bumped", "into arms, legs, and heads, in the aisle,", "careless in my pain.", "i get to the bathroom, close the door, toilet", "paper the seat, and then... nothing. immense pain", "in my intestines, but no poop.", "what.\n\nthe. \n\nfuck.", "i push, i massage my belly, i think happy", "thoughts, and still nothing.", "a few minutes later, i hear what i've been", "dreading. \"ladies and gentlemen, we're on final", "approach...\"", "we had 10,000 feet of altitude. i had no where to", "go. i willed myself to shit.", "and so i did.", "my goodness, the things that happened in those", "two minutes are simply indescribably. noises,", "smells, textures, all amid the bumping and", "shaking of a descent.", "as suddenly as it began, it stopped. i was in", "shock for a moment or two, then quickly cleaned", "up and washed my hands.", "later that night, i surprised the lady, and", "fucked for the first time in five months. it all", "worked out okay." ]

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[ "my professor is an old family friend, so i knew", "him before this class and had his number from a", "few years back. my boyfriend happens to have the", "same name as him. he got a new number today, and", "before i had it saved as \"(his name) <3\", so", "there was never any ambiguity. but, as i", "obviously don't text or call my professor, i had", "forgotten i even had his number, so i saved my", "bfs new number as \"(his name)\".", "prior to class, i was with my boyfriend, so i", "hadn't texted him in hours while i had been", "texting other people, so our convo thread was", "close to the bottom of all my texts and lazy me", "just started a new text instead of going down.", "basically, the text went something along the", "lines of \"i can't wait to get done with this", "stupid class and get back into bed with you;)\"", "and without thinking, i sent it immediately to", "his name. except, it wasn't him.", "my professors phone went off shortly after i sent", "it, and he said \"sorry - my sister is having a", "baby, i need to check this\". alright, cool, but", "after he read it he got this really \"omfgwtf\"", "look on his face and stammered that everyone", "should do some problem in the book. it was", "weird, but he recovered. after class, he asked", "me to stay a second, and we ended up fucking.", "just kidding, he told me to delete his number", "immediately as he could potentially get fired and", "i get in disciplinary trouble if anyone saw this,", "accident or not. :(" ]

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[ "my sister recently had a baby and isn't able to", "leave her house very often due to taking care of", "the baby. so yesterday i decided to be nice and", "bring over taco bell and alleviate her by holding", "her baby. that way she could eat in peace. while", "holding the baby he let go a fart of all farts,", "or so i thought(sounded like an orchestra of tuba", "players). it smelled bad so i passed him back off", "to my sister. while she was changing him i", "decided to eat my delicious five layer beef", "burrito. i looked down and and saw what i", "presumed to be some of the meat that leaked out", "of the shell. i went ahead and licked it off my", "shirt. big mistake, it was some of his shit that", "leaked out of the diaper. when the taste hit my", "taste buds i immediately start puking everywhere,", "on her newly shampooed carpet, on her microfiber", "couch, and all on myself. i cannot fully describe", "the taste of it, other than 20 year old hamburger", "meat, and garbage with the texture of grits.", "*sorry for bad grammar." ]

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[ "i was doing some yardwork to help my parents out", "and had gloves on for most of the time. at the", "very end when i was done, i had to put some of", "the ivy and weeds i had chopped in a trash bag", "and somehow some poison ivy got mixed up in the", "bunch. i wiped sweat right above my eyes/eyelids", "and had to readjust by boys because the pants", "were a little tight. i immediately took a shower", "after that, but it was too late. the next", "morning, i spotted the poison ivy on my hand and", "new it was about to get bad." ]

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[ "long story short:", "we only had cold water in our dorm since a few", "days so i called the plumber. the night before we", "had a heavy booze with some friends. so the", "plumber came over in the morning and i had the", "hangover of my life, i swear i wanted to die, i", "just felt so sick.", "while he was in the bathroom to fix the water", "heater, it just got worse.", "he was doing his job and i couldn't hold it", "anymore. i ran into the bathroom and threw up", "like i never did before. fucking niagara falls.", "like one minute straight.", "when i finished, i turned around and he gave me", "the most awkward look ever. i looked at him and", "said \"uuuhm, sorry\" and left the room. most", "embarrassing moment of my life. he didn't say a", "word, fixed the heater and left the dorm.", "at least we have warm water again." ]

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[ "this happened a couple years ago when i was still", "in high school and masturbated a lot ^more ^than", "^i ^do ^now.", "(note, i was reminded of this incident when i", "read /u/ejaculator123's", "[post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1kgs", "c7/tifu_by_ejaculating_while_my_dad_hugged_me/).)", "it was an ordinary day on spring break. both of", "my parents were at work, so being the horny teen", "that i was, it was time to turn on a", "chick-on-chick flick and whip my disco stick. i", "had a nice reclining computer chair which i sat", "in to take care of my fruity duties and a big ol'", "computer monitor to gaze upon the glory that is", "internet porn. as i was about to finish, i", "realized the tissue box was a bit out of reach.", "luckily i was able to snatch a tissue and catch", "most of my fertilizer, but i noticed a drop on", "the floor. i looked all over the floor to make", "sure i got it all. i was so certain that i did.", "before bed i remembered my father wanted to", "borrow a blank cd. my desk has lower shelves", "under the main area, which is where i kept my", "blank cds. so, in the dark, i blindly put a blank", "cd in a ziplock baggy and brought it out to the", "counter where my dad kept his wallet and keys so", "he would see it.", "the next day i went to grab another cd and", "noticed there was a weird substance running down", "the side of them (they were in a stack [like", "this](http://i.imgur.com/dcqdqni.jpg)). oh shit.", "since the one i gave my dad was on the top that", "means ^that ^one ^probably ^had ^the ^most ^semen", "^on ^it.", "when my dad came home i asked him if he used the", "cd. he said yes. i asked if there was anything", "weird about it. he said there was some weird", "sticky stuff on it. i could tell he wanted to", "start laughing. he knew. so i just flat out said", "\"dad there was semen on that disk\". we both", "laughed about it, but i still cringe every time i", "think about the fact that my dad probably had", "physical contact with my haploid cells." ]

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[ "i'll try to make this short. i met my best friends", "sister two days ago, she's incredibly cute but it", "was his sister so i thought i'd talk to him about", "it first. he says it's fine hook up, whatever,", "but then i did, twice, while he was home. he told", "me to stop but i didn't, i called her and we", "hooked up a third time. later that night, my", "other good friend's ex from 2 years ago hits me", "up to hang out. her and i were always good", "friends and i'm pretty sure my buddy is", "completely over her so i go over, one thing leads", "to another and we end up having sex. after, she", "tells me my buddy has been depressed and calling", "her a lot lately. fuck. me. i'm gonna have to", "tell my second friend what happened and he's", "gonna hate me. i can't believe i did this. i feel", "like a piece of shit.", "**" ]

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[ "being a horny teenager in the summer who recently", "discovered the joys of premium porn sites can", "lead to some very awkward scenarios. this is one", "of them.", "i was watching some of the best shit i'd ever", "seen (i'm talking brazzers true life hd at 1080p", "and the like, there's just no going back), when i", "decided it was time to fap. i was lying down on", "my bed, sonar mode engaged (one earbud in, one", "out) face down, fapping away, just on the verge", "of climaxing when i heard footsteps nearby. i", "threw the ipad under the bed and tried to hold it", "in while i pretended i was just getting up from a", "nap or whatever. well, while i was getting up, my", "dick brushed up against my thigh or my pants or", "something, then i knew i wasn't going to be able", "to control it.", "my dad does this thing where he will randomly", "tell me that he loves me, sometimes with a hug,", "and i really don't mind it, i'll even say it back", "and all. but this time, this time as he hugs me i", "can just feel myself coming in my pants, while i", "awkwardly maintain my crotch as far away from his", "body as humanly possible.", "the good news is, i don't think he knew what had", "happened, i like to think that the sweatpants hid", "the boner and that he didn't notice my weird hip", "position." ]

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[ "so the problem was not that i pressed down too", "hard or even had a piece of glass scratch it or 1", "pressure point poke at it, but instead there was", "a large piece of adhesive glass that i tried to", "remove that stuck too well to the lcd and brought", "tension upwards (like peeling a band-aid from", "your skin) which rendered the screen unusable.", "i was so focused on not pushing down that i", "didn't even consider this as a possibility for", "ruining the lcd.", "hopefully this will be a warning lesson to some", "so that they can avoid doing the same things and", "learn from my misfortune. now there is a inch", "linear raise (bump) up on the lcd portion of the", "phone and the screen won't come on at all. :-(", "i feel really miserable about this i've done", "about 5 glass replacements in the past with my", "friends phones with no problem, but this time its", "mine and i feel like a bit of a clutz", "i don't have insurance on this phone so what am i", "supposed to do with this thing at this point? is", "the cost of getting this phone repaired similar", "or comparable to just buying a new phone? can i", "sell it for scraps? if so where?" ]

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[ "throwaway because i'm embarrassed.", "so i hadn't run in about 3 weeks. already i", "fucked up, but i took it to a new level today.", "out of shape, nervous, anxious, and full of pee,", "i stepped up to the group of girls preparing for", "the race. the gun sounds and i know that shit is", "about to hit the fan. i tried to keep up with the", "leading runners, oblivious to their varsity", "status. on the first lap, i wasted all my energy.", "alright, maybe i could make up for it by cutting", "back a bit. comfortably in the middle of the", "pack, i started hyperventilating and got a side", "stitch. shit. there i was, halfway done, barely", "making it, and i just noped out of the race.", "tears, walking, more hyperventilating, just the", "epitome of a screw up. an encouraging runner ran", "up beside me and helped me stick it out; however,", "i couldn't help but stop every once it a while.", "one lap to go and i am practically dead. my", "bladder had enough, too, as i began to piss with", "every impact. i finished 43rd out of ~50. ...at", "least i wasn't last?", "i honestly hope i don't make it. every time i", "think about this, i cringe." ]

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[ "so i literally just came back from my last final", "today. was feeling super prepared and ready to", "tear up that exam. about nearly half the test", "already done, my stomach starts acting up and i", "decide to power thru it and finish the test.", "initially, i thought it was just another one of", "those gas cramps. but it soon became almost", "unbearable and overwhelming. i decide to ease my", "pain i'll pass one of those silent but deadly", "farts to ease the pressure. ended up sharting on", "myself. during the test.", "i quickly lost all interest on my final and try", "to ask the prof if i can be excused for bathroom.", "did a walk of shame all the way to the bathroom", "while clenching whatever mess i still had brewed", "inside. turns out the shit stained my shorts. i", "made a couple calls and mom comes after 30 mins", "with a fresh pair." ]

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[ "i awoke this morning to feel the guy i'm seeing", "pushing up behind me, indicating it was time for", "some morning sex.", "his a/c wasn't working, so it had become", "extremely stuffy and hot overnight. i decide to", "turn the fan on high, and proceed to jump on top.", "bad idea.", "nsfw details aside, while on top of him i begin", "to feel uncomfortable as i go through the", "motions. i realize about half-way in that the fan", "blowing on high is blowing directly onto where", "our body's intertwined.", "the combination of wetness, air and the", "up-and-down motion starts making a few sounds", "here and there. i shrug it off, and continue. at", "this point, i can really feel the air being", "pumped up me, so i suggest we switch to doggy.", "this is where i regret turning on that machine", "sent from the devil. he gets behind me, and the", "blowing air somehow makes me feel even worse from", "this position.", "suddenly, what sounds like a massive trumpet note", "blares from my vagina. he keeps going, but i", "could tell he hesitated a second.", "now, being the class-act that i am, i find this", "noise absolutely hilarious. i try to hold in the", "laughter as he is about to finish. he pulls out,", "and i can hold it no longer -- i begin to laugh", "out loud.", "with each incessant exhale of laughter from my", "mouth comes an equally loud exhale of air from my", "vagina. i laugh harder as the \"quieffs\" get", "louder and louder.", "i kid you not when i say that i laughed for a", "solid 45 seconds straight while my vagina made", "uncontrollable, extremely loud farting sounds.", "this wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't been", "the only one who found this amusing . . .", "cue the awkward tension as i try with all my", "might to stop the laughter and thus stop the", "morbid sounds escaping my vagina.", "needless to say, we finish up, and lay in utter", "awkward silence until i finally manage to say,", "\"well, i should head out.\"", "**" ]

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[ "i recently softmodded my wii to play gamecube", "games saved to a flash drive. i was always a fan", "of [donkey", "konga](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kghk_abhbd", "w)", "and wanted to get the rest of the games. so i", "downloaded donkey konga 3, which was only", "released in japan. i loaded the game and was", "asked (in japanese, of course) if i wanted to", "make a save file on my memory card. at least", "that's what i thought it said. what it actually", "said was, \"do you want to format this memory card", "to work with this region of games?\" and, if you", "didn't know, formatting it would wipe all data", "from the card. and that's what happened. all of", "my save data from the past 10 years or so of all", "the games i've played on the gamecube is gone. no", "way to get it back. all because i wanted to play", "donkey konga 3. not worth it." ]

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[ "i hate itchy, wiry pubic hairs. having lice in", "your hair is one thing - but having a constant", "itch in your pubes? insufferable! so that's why i", "always make sure to properly groom my pubic hairs", "- i treat them as if they're my own children, and", "i gently caress them whenever they want company.", "surely i'm not the only one who does this...", "so yesterday, right before a date with my", "girlfriend, i took out the shampoo and prepared", "myself to send the pubic hair itch back to hell", "where it belonged. so i generously applied the", "shampoo, rinsed the pubes in a hurry, and left", "for my date. a few minutes later, my pubes have", "become rock hard. it wasn't shampoo - it was gel,", "and my pubes were so stiff that walking was", "painful. my gf asked me if i was sick or", "something, because i was walking like a penguin", "who just got shot in the crotch. at the end of", "the date, i could barely walk home with her, and", "she was getting really suspicious. i asked her if", "i could see her next week, but she said \"i don't", "know\" (in other words, no way)." ]

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[ "we've all had those \"well, it sounded fine at the", "time...\" moments, and just a few short months", "ago, the time had come for me to add another", "rather memorable incident to that list.", "i live in an medium sized apartment complex", "fairly close to my college campus, and my", "roommate frequently has people over from his", "fraternity. on this particular friday night, it", "was a \"smaller\" group (of about ten to fifteen", "people) that were over to have a good time. it", "was a typical get together: blaring music,", "snacks, and many, *many* drinks. and after a", "couple hours of raging (at about two in the", "morning), the group had opted to head up to the", "roof to take a break from partying.", "now, this is where i come in. i'm not a frat guy", "nor a \"partier\", but i was also no stranger to", "the party scene. i can hold my own in", "conversation and dress just fine. and on this", "night, i had decided that i might as well get", "some fresh air and break out both my room and my", "shell for once. *maybe i can meet some new", "people, they seem pretty cool to me,* i thought.", "*what could go wrong?* so i optimistically join", "the group and head up to the roof, with the", "purpose of enjoying the austin skyline on a cozy", "texas summer night with some new friendly faces.", "that sentiment wouldn't last long.", "we head up the elevator, walk to the center of", "the roof and sit in a large circle. the group", "begins talking about this and that, mostly about", "personal topics that i couldn't really chime in", "on. as i observe the inebriated and rather spacey", "group, i suddenly catch a guy playfully poking", "the breast of the girl next to him, like one", "would play with a small kitten. she had been", "drinking, so she didn't mind much. he continued", "to play with her breast, and then loudly and", "deliberately asked \"is.. is your right one bigger", "than your left one?\" she briefly thought it over", "before slowly replying, \"no... they're the same,", "aren't they? is one of them bigger?\"", "now just hours before, i had read a [til about", "how your left breast is generally bigger than", "your right breast because of its proximity to the", "heart.](http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/com", "ments/1deo9k/til_your_left_boob_is_usually_bigger_", "than_the/)", "so what better time to share this piece of", "information than two in morning with a bunch of", "intoxicated strangers? *why, there's no better", "time!*, i apparently thought, because without", "missing a beat, i suddenly looked her square in", "the eyes and declared: \"it's definitely your left", "one.\"", "this made the group instantly quiet for the first", "time the entire night. but before i could get out", "my follow-up statement, about how i was speaking", "from memory rather than with my dick, the group", "loudly reacted in an variety of ways, including", "\"what the hell?\", drunken hysterical laughter,", "and finally, my roommate leaning over and", "whispering \"the guy poking her is her boyfriend.\"", "through the ensuing wave of noise and stares a", "manage to blurt out \"it's because of the heart,", "it's a science thing!\", which served as trying to", "put a bandaid over my socially sliced jugular. i", "just continued to sit there like a statue, trying", "to sink into the floor while simultaneously", "avoiding the drunken laser stare from the", "boyfriend i felt from my peripherals. he was not", "amused by my antics nor my little follow-up, and", "he was certainly in no condition to be reasoned", "with, either. to make things even better, he was", "easily one hundred pounds heavier than myself.", "so, when after a couple of moments he started to", "approach me, i quickly responded by saying to the", "group \"i'm going to hit the bathroom.\" which", "consisted of me going back to my room in my", "apartment and not coming out until the morning,", "and consequently vowing to somehow convince them", "that i wasn't a creeper, stalker or a rapist.", "i haven't seen any of them since." ]

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[ "it all started innocent enough; i was hanging out", "with the roommates, smoking, enjoying myself.", "after getting to what felt like a [7] i got a", "very unexpected burst of energy. i decided that i", "was going to be productive.", "as i'm standing in my hallway, i'm trying to", "remember what needs to be done but instead my", "eyes kept focused on the phallic shaped dent in", "the wall. so, like any sane person, i began", "giggling and like any person as high as i was, i", "forgot to swallow my spit. i snapped out of my", "dick dent trance in time to stop myself from", "drooling. i said \"high five\" out loud in an", "effort to high five myself which actually", "confused me. the encouragement felt nice though.", "this is the moment i realized that i may have", "exceeded the traditional 1-10 scale of", "intoxication. i was at a [10+]. i had momentary", "reservation about going through with the", "productivity but decided to yolo the fuck out and", "do some laundry.", "now, our laundry room is shared between a few", "apartments on our block. there is one washer and", "one dryer inside. so i take off all my sheets and", "fill my laundry basket with sheets and bras and", "shit. you know, laundry type shit.", "i was incredibly slow paced but successful", "nonetheless at the first few loads.", "the last load of laundry is what triggered some", "very unexpected events. i went to put the last", "load into the dryer and i notice that i had", "washed the entire box of 100 dryer sheets in the", "washing machine right on top of all the", "aforementioned laundry shit. i did my best to fix", "the situation.", "i'd like to take a moment to say that the soaked", "dryer sheets smelled heavenly. it was like", "lavender and fresh rain made sweet love and their", "jizz consisted of wet cardboard fragments. i was", "okay with this.", "as my yoloing continued, i threw the laundry shit", "into the dryer, paid the machine, pressed start", "and headed back to smoke a little more. an hour", "later i go back to discover that the", "lavender/fresh rain cardboard fragment jizz is", "incredibly flammable. the dryer is smoking and i", "decide that i don't want to yolo ever again. i", "grab my shit from the dryer and get into my", "apartment.", "we do not live in the nicest part of town. at", "all. we live in what has been deemed \"the ghetto\"", "by some. quite literally in the middle of black", "gang and hispanic gang territory (they are a", "violent group of frenemies).", "i can hear my neighbors near the laundry room", "yelling, \"what dumb ass nigga put mother fucking", "cardboard boxes in this bitch\"", "*i was the dumbass nigga.*", "another voice shouts \"god damn juan we know it", "was you nigga where the fuck you at\"", "*it wasn't juan. it was me.*", "i hear juan shout a few racist insults. more and", "more people begin showing up, it gets louder.", "people are yelling at each other about who the", "fuck tried to wash and dry an entire cardboard", "box.", "i decide to go fold laundry in the farthest part", "of my apartment with my basket full of sheets,", "bras and burnt cardboard.", "a few moments later, a fight broke out. the", "police were called. nobody was hurt. i put my", "clean sheets on and watched reruns of its always", "sunny trying to forget about how everything was", "my fault and now our block has no working laundry", "room." ]

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[ "so my best friend's place needed to have the", "insulation replaced in their attic. as payment", "for said job, his mom paid me and my two friends", "with rammstein pit tickets. so far, awesome.", "we go to the concert and it is one of the best", "concerts any of us have ever been to. they go", "into mein teil and till is covered in blood and", "in full on butcher's garb. the song ends and we", "are rocking our faces off. the next song starts", "and people start throwing things into the", "audience from the front (i'm assuming that it's", "the fans throwing random things they brought).", "i then see a black dot fly into the air coming", "straight in my direction and i catch it like any", "good fan would. now, to me the thing that landed", "in my hands feels like (and don't ask my why i", "though of this) a plastic bag filled with poop. i", "then proceed to throw it behind me in surprise", "and disgust. then the flames come up from the", "stage and light up the room so i can now see my", "hands covered in fake blood and i realize that i", "have just thrown away till's knotted up, blood", "covered, butchers glove. i then proceed to fall", "to my knees in despair and chalk that moment up", "to one of the most regretted moments of my entire", "life; right behind my crazy ex girlfriend." ]

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[ "i work on dirt roads and recently we got some", "precipitation which of course caused the roads to", "become muddy. with the mud caked all over and in", "my pickup it started to shake badly at highway", "speed and so i was trying to take the caps off to", "see if some of the lugs were loose so i used what", "i had in my hands, my keys, to pry one of them", "off. bent the key. well i have this tool box full", "of keys so i was just going to bend it back. yeah", "a little over an hour and a hundred dollars later", "i was able to drive home." ]

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[ "not so recently, my grandma was put into a", "personal care home due to a broken hip and both", "of her daughters just not having the time to be", "able to care for her as she needs to be. more", "recently, the pitbull that the couple who run", "this home has had a litter of puppies. out of the", "8, 7 survived and 1 of those is the second", "smallest of the litter. she is extremely shy and", "the mother extremely protective of her. i decided", "i was going to name all of the pups and get the", "owners of the care home to start calling each pup", "by the name i had given them. there is chewie,", "shiva, alfalfa, spanky, sugar plum, tommy, and", "finally, the focus of my fuck up, fluttershy. she", "is the center of my social experiment. since", "these pups will soon be fit to be taken away from", "their mother, i was going to use shy as a way to", "figure out a rough estimate as to how many", "bronies live in my area, outside of high school", "and college, by how many prospective adopters", "catch on to the name. the fact that the pup is", "named after a pony from a tv show escaped from", "everyone, until today, when, in a discussion", "about amnesia, i mention alois from the justine", "dlc of amnesia. both of my brothers ask who he is", "and i explain to them the previous information", "and am met with blank looks. i explain to them", "again as follows:", "\"yeah, you remember, they took fluttershy (the", "pony, not the pup) and made her into him in 'a", "small horse?'\" (a custom story for amnesia for", "those who don't know)", "and that's when they connected the dots and", "questioned after my reasons for naming a", "beautiful and shy little pitbull pup after an", "animated pony from a tv show." ]

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[ "so it was the later hours and our shift was just", "about to end when a workmate comes up and asks me", "if the others are bothering me, and i answer yes", "since i think he isn't serious... but he was and", "he started to talk about how much he doesn't like", "that i get joked around with (witch i'm totally", "ok with) and how bad the work-atmosphere is", "compared to other places he has been, so we talk", "a bit about it and from what i i can tell he", "would like to tell them to fuck and get away from", "him...", "fast forward one hour and i'm in the car on my", "way home and i get a phone call from the", "work-leader who told me he had with the guy from", "before that i was tired of their crap and was", "done being bullied... and this was not how i", "expected it to be so now there is a shitstorm", "brewing and i fear for the one who was", "\"protecting\" me will get shit for this and worst", "case loose his work...", "now all day i try to look happy since bad shit", "happens otherwise" ]

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[ "so last night i was at a guy friend's house. we", "were drinking a few beers....i was drunk. (he was", "not drunk, hadn't had as much as me)", "i got up to go to the bathroom, thought i just", "had to pee. once sitting on the toilet i decided", "i had to poop; being drunk, i thought it was a", "*great* idea to poo. because the string of my", "tampon got a little \"dirty\", i took it out. he", "didn't have a trashcan in there, so i dropped it", "in the toilet and flushed.", "i quickly discovered the water was not going", "down, and was indeed filling the bowl and going", "all over the floor. in my drunken state, i just", "stared at the overflowing toilet as the shit", "water gathered around my feet. i came out and", "told him i need a plunger, that the toilet wasn't", "flushing.", "he ran to turn off the water to the toilet; i", "plunged and the water went down.", "i was so embarrassed i just went to play xbox", "while he said \"i'm going to light a candle\" and", "turned the bathroom fan on (obviously, it smelled", "like shit).", "his drunk roommate came out and made a scene that", "it smelled and that i'd made a huge mess. they", "had to get a shop vac to clean up the water; they", "went to walmart (at 1am, after i'd left) to buy", "new power cords for (some machines, i'm not sure", "what) in the room next to the bathroom, since i'd", "flooded that room too." ]

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[ "we know we have all done it in a bit of hurry, put", "item on top of car, grab it, throw thing in car", "when done with car hand seat things.", "well this time not so much. dropped off the 3.5", "year old daughter at mom's house. put said ipad", "on top of the \"crossover man its a cross over\"", "take all pink things, cuz like the ipad has, err", "had, the nice super otterbox in the super pink,", "anyway it was pink and help her out of the car", "with all the things. close the door. (its windy", "tx got snap cold this morning) and help her and", "all the pink items, teddy bear (pink) some super", "blanket of leia angry birds hoody blanket and", "ipad. or so i had in my head. off to the front", "door of mom's and i'm back in the car off to work", "late and thinking of all the things i could have", "mentioned or said when i hear a thump. well i get", "on the highway for my commute to work and i am", "thinking what was the thump. ohh the computer in", "the back bay hit something, or it was a lug nut", "or whatever. (111kmiles on this driver thing)", "so i am close to downtown and like three miles", "from work, which we all know when you work", "downtown at a big city like dallas, you know you", "have to have a bit of wait time. no one can drive", "correctly. the empty gas tank light has been on", "like for the last 20 miles of your 18mpg car. and", "you know you got like 4 miles left plus the idle", "and all the stress there kicks in.", "must get to work, its almost 10am and that is my", "normal thursday morning time on the nights i have", "the daughter on the you know wednesday. so i", "drive into a \"7-11\" get out of the car and", "notice. you forgot your wallet. so now i am", "trying to figure out if i have enough gas to go", "like three measly more blocks and another mile or", "two up inside the corkscrew parking garage. make", "it to work on time(ish) and get cash and drive", "back to get gas. so i open the passenger side", "front door, to see if maybe it(my wallet) fell", "out of a bag or i set it down out of my jacket", "for some odd reason.", "that is when the realization took hold.", "it was a grip unlike anything in my life. the", "bright pink otterbox front cover/stand fell off", "the passenger seat in a ultimately slow motion", "method and onto the grey concrete making the", "deepest darkest rattling thud into guilt you", "could never conceive of. at the same time as it", "rattles on the ground history played through my", "eyes of the events that transpired up to this", "moment. as if i had died. and the realization of", "the fact she didn't take the ipad into the house,", "it was the fluffy things, and dad, dad!!! left", "the ipad on the roof, and dad heard it thumpingly", "hit the rear bumper while getting on the highway,", "it was dad. dad, guilty dad!", "as all of these events rush through, finally", "gaining some composure ( felt like i was standing", "there staring at this pink square on the ground", "for an hour) i put some gas in and then park the", "car in the garage get to work, share my anguish", "and try to find a method to the madness. but none", "came. i got the gas thing fixed, but i was", "delaying the true gut wrenching feeling i was", "having inside.", "it was guilt, guilt at a level i have never", "experienced! i felt like i was 12 about trying to", "rationalize a lie to my mother about something i", "didn't really know why it was wrong. then it hit.", "all these things inm my head and how do i explain", "it to my three year old daughter. what, what am i", "going to do. well i shared it with co workers of", "course. that is totally sane right. i was hiding", "it. it kept creeping, the guild see she", "(daughter) has had this in her hands since she", "could hold it. i picked up the tablet so i could", "do work and internet while laying in that awesome", "nifty fold out seat they have at hospitals for", "while mommy is getting better after birth. my", "daughter has had to see her first dog make his", "way to the big park a few weeks ago and this in", "my feelings going to crush her again. (so the", "guilt keeps telling me) and this one, ugh, it is", "like another pet just left too. shes learning her", "123, and abc on it and pbs channel thing is like", "a helping hand while visiting family. it is her", "other sibling", "it took a few hours (for the despair to set in)", "but i called her mommy and asked her to go check", "the road maybe it was alive somewhere or even in", "pieces. so i could get some closure, so i knew i", "had no other choice but to say, \"the pink tablet", "is gone too.\" about 3pm i get a update the tablet", "was nowhere to be seen.", "ill stop there. i have gone through so many", "emotional ups and downs. it is crazy. i get the", "daughter tomorrow and see how bad it is. but it", "feels like my first big tifu when it comes to the", "daughter. thanks for sharing.", "ps: i posted this here because i caught myself", "telling coworkers and friends \"today i f*****", "up...\" and then realized it needed to be here.", "edit: you know those \"i\" things they are going to", "be there so yea." ]

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[ "so i'm a girl. and today i'm wearing skinny jeans", "and a lace thong. yes, this does have to do with", "my fuck up, i'm not just trying to turn you on.", "so i'm sitting in class with my legs crossed and", "i somehow get a really bad front wedgie when i", "stand up from my desk (see, i told you i wasn't", "turning you on.) so i leave class and as i walk", "back to my residence, this wedgie problem is", "getting worse and worse. i am in a ton of pain,", "so i'm trying to wiggle around while i walk, with", "great success- i could barely notice it now! so i", "get back to residence and i'm lying on my bed", "when i feel the urge to go to the washroom. as", "i'm pulling my pants down, i experience the worst", "amount of pain i have gone through in a while. it", "felt like someone just pierced my lady business.", "i let out a shriek and look down and notice a", "pool of blood forming, as well as a piece of what", "looks like rubber. i sit down and as i'm peeing", "i'm freaking out, trying to figure out what the", "rubber is, when i realize the toilet is full of", "blood. the piece of rubber turned out to be part", "of my \"labs\", which i had ripped a chunk out of.", "i guess what had happened is in class, part of", "the lab got stuck in the lace of my thong, as i", "walked i further got it stuck, and when i pulled", "down my thong, it ripped that part right off. i", "now am no longer able to walk, and am throwing", "this underwear out right away." ]

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[ "small backstory: i'm in my second year at", "university, majoring in art. i had an assignment", "about six weeks ago that i managed to persuade a", "friend of mine to model for me. she agreed", "provided that i didn't draw her face. she came", "over to my house, stripped down and posed for me.", "it was a complicated piece that was going to have", "several poses from her arranged in a particular", "way. but she started to get tired after about an", "hour. on her suggestion, i took photographs of", "her in the required poses and loaded them on to", "her laptop so that i could draw from them and", "then delete them when i was done and that if i", "needed any additional detail she could pose again", "but at least it wouldn't be as tiring. the work", "would still be done in a day but she'd be more", "comfortable while i worked.", "this was fine except that while she went out to", "the bathroom or to get something to eat etc. i", "copied the photos from her computer onto a usb", "drive. partly so i would have them in case i", "needed to edit later and shamefully, because she", "is also quite attractive. she never noticed, the", "work was finished and she deleted the photos", "thinking that they were gone forever. i thanked", "her and left, and things went back to normal.", "i didn't think it was safe to leave the memory", "stick in my house as i couldn't guarantee that", "one of my roommate's wouldn't find it and look at", "it so i kept it with me. the photos were buried", "pretty deeply on the drive so i could use it", "safely around the place. until today.", "i got a call while i was working on an essay in", "the library and rushed off. i thought i put", "everything away safely but a few hours later i", "realized that the drive was not in my bag at all", "and that i had no memory of removing it from the", "computer. i went back but there was no sign of it", "and no-one handed it in at the desk.", "i'm freaking out right now. my friend will freak", "out if these photos are leaked. it will probably", "kill her. i've abused her trust and she's going", "to pay for it. i can't tell (i just can't have", "that conversation with her) but i hate the", "thought of these being passed around and her just", "being blind sided by it." ]

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