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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
501 | Harry Truman went from being a senator, to the Vice President, to the President, to dropping the first atomic bomb all within 29 weeks. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
502 | Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district. | 1 | 2.63 | 1 | 0.75 |
503 | The only thing keeping me from starting my own doomsday sex cult is that I look terrible in sunglasses. | 1 | 1.68 | 0 | 0.45 |
504 | Orcas can teach themselves how to communicate with dolphins. In 2014, California researchers discovered that orcas living beside dolphins adapted their vocalizations by adding in more clicks and whistles to match the dolphins' language. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
505 | What’s the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools | 1 | 1.8 | 0 | 2.3 |
506 | I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning.... Even if it is to make sure the door is locked. | 1 | 2.31 | 1 | 0.35 |
507 | ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww. ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma'am. | 1 | 2.68 | 1 | 0 |
508 | Life can be tough sometimes, but so are you. Chin up! You got this | 0 | null | null | 0 |
509 | "If life's so hard already, then why do we bring so much trouble on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the 'self-destruct' button?" | 0 | null | null | 0 |
510 | By waving the flag, she became an icon for the gay community and a subsequent target for state violence. After this, there was a 3 week long anti-gay crackdown where Hegazi was the only woman arrested and she remained in detention for 3 months. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
511 | How do you know if a black woman is pregnant? Stick a banana up her cooter, if it comes out half eaten, you've got a monkey on the way! | 1 | 1.22 | 0 | 4.6 |
512 | Dates contain oil, calcium, sulphur, iron, potassium, phosphorous, manganese, copper and magnesium health | 0 | null | null | 0 |
513 | "Maybe I never learned to commit. But I'm here now and I'm staying cause I'm gonna fight to make sure you know I'm committed to this thing." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
514 | "It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security." - The Notebook | 0 | null | null | 0 |
515 | I learn from the mistakes made by people who took my advice. | 1 | 2.73 | 1 | 0 |
516 | There are two types of men... 1. Those who've had their dicks sucked by a tranny. 2. Those who don't know they have... | 1 | 2.15 | 0 | 3.35 |
517 | I'm one of those lucky people who can eat whatever they want and get a huge gut | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0.15 |
518 | What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle! corny | 1 | 2.05 | 0 | 0 |
519 | In the 2 decades I've been using USB connectors I don't think I have EVER put one in properly without having to flip it over. Not. One. Time. | 1 | 2.73 | 1 | 0 |
520 | Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. | 1 | 2.3 | 1 | 1.4 |
521 | I found $50 lying on the street. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. | 1 | 2.16 | 0 | 0.55 |
522 | [doing prison visitation] Death row inmate: I am so scared of dying Me: I know exactly what you're going through Inmate: How could you possibly? Me: *shows phone with text from my wife saying 'we need to talk later'* Inmate: Oh wow. I'm actually kind of glad I'm in here now | 1 | 1.76 | 0 | 0.25 |
523 | "Straight Outta Compton" by NWA was chosen for preservation by the Library of Congress as being "culturally, historically, or artistically significant." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
524 | The Nobel Foundation rules prohibit the public or private disclosure of nominees' information until 50 years after the prize has been awarded. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
525 | Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer. | 1 | 2.53 | 1 | 0.25 |
526 | Today I want to honor the indigenous people of this land. Hopefully one day they'll have true independence. stolen land | 0 | null | null | 1.05 |
527 | Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right: we had six matching balls. | 1 | 2.9 | 1 | 2.8 |
528 | If living without sport has taught me anything... it's that I could live without womens sport FOREVER. | 1 | 1.39 | 0 | 2.5 |
529 | Haters will gladly broadcast your failure, but quietly whisper your success | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
530 | Doing what you need to do to get the girls you want comes down to facing your fears. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, and failure. So be fearless. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
531 | How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin | 1 | 2.2 | 1 | 0.6 |
532 | Tyler Wilmore, 10, of Delaware Swim Team finishes 1st in 50 free 28:20 black kids swim NBHCSM 14 black kids swimcary2016 | 0 | null | null | 1.25 |
533 | The average child learns the truth about Santa at the age of 8. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
534 | [at the gym] Him: Hey man, could you spot me? Me: Sure. What do you need... 10... 20 bucks? Him: Uhh..? Me: Just kidding. I have no money. | 1 | 2.1 | 1 | 0.25 |
535 | A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang. "It's the blind man" he called. That's ok, she thought, so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door. "Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?" | 1 | 3.05 | 1 | 0.75 |
536 | So I'm gay and single .... Does that make me homolone? | 1 | 2.7 | 1 | 0.65 |
537 | What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry corny | 1 | 0.74 | 0 | 0 |
538 | The best part of being a ninja would be being able to use smoke bombs to assassinate someone or get away from an awkward conversation | 1 | 1.94 | 0 | 0 |
539 | I just came out of my first relationship and it was toxic. My question is, how do I move on and find not relapse into another unhealthy relationship? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
540 | Wow..Amara is growing quickly. Could get interesting! Thanks for watching everyone. Next week...Baby. Action Ackles SPN Fami Iy | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
541 | Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace. | 1 | 1.79 | 1 | 2.6 |
542 | How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? 'A choir?' Ok, fine. How much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group. | 1 | 2.2 | 1 | 0 |
543 | I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said "why would we choose you?" | 1 | 2.9 | 0 | 0.6 |
544 | What's up with black people? They're not black... And they're not people. | 1 | 1.31 | 0 | 4.65 |
545 | There are very few things in life I get offended about, but getting a call from a private number is certainly one of them. | 1 | 1.2 | 0 | 0.05 |
546 | Not 'good with girls'? Not all guys are born seducers but any man can learn these techniques. In fact, most coaches and teachers learned it just like you are doing. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
547 | I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy | 1 | 2.94 | 1 | 0 |
548 | What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? "Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?" | 1 | 2.15 | 1 | 2.4 |
549 | Ain't no sandwich when she's gone. | 1 | 1.37 | 0 | 1.1 |
550 | I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!' She's watching our wedding video again. | 1 | 3.5 | 1 | 0.05 |
551 | [Doctor looking at my x-rays] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of Me: What? Doctor: Skeletons | 1 | 2.47 | 1 | 0 |
552 | U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners. | 1 | 1.63 | 1 | 0.1 |
553 | What's a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader. | 1 | 2.58 | 1 | 0.1 |
554 | Stranger Things' captures the 80s so well, there's even a scene of me not getting laid in college. | 1 | 2.95 | 0 | 0 |
555 | "There are 5 stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always 5. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
556 | People with ADHD have the ability to hyper-focus on things they find interesting, according to experts. However, it can't be reliably controlled and can make switching tasks even harder. | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
557 | Wayyyyy too many women are out here trying to fix men they didn't break. | 1 | 2.36 | 1 | 0.5 |
558 | It's normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up. | 1 | 2.55 | 1 | 0.5 |
559 | What do you call riot police in Germany? Kraut Control | 1 | 1.79 | 0 | 0.8 |
560 | You guys keep talking about drinking alcohol out of a brown bag. How does it work? Mine keeps leaking like crazy when I pour it in there. | 1 | 2.21 | 1 | 0.05 |
561 | Especially when I started getting very harsh comments from him on my YouTube videos, where he would tell people that me performing poetry was a biddah, and I was leading youth astray 2/7 | 0 | null | null | 0.25 |
562 | Everybody loves the things you do, from the way you talk to the way you move -Adele | 0 | null | null | 0 |
563 | Every time spellcheck corrects “does” to “dies”, for a split second I panic that the subject of the sentence that has passed away | 1 | 1.35 | 1 | 0 |
564 | An astronaut didn't comprehend why he couldn't take off his spacesuit on the moon - guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation | 1 | 3.16 | 0 | 0 |
565 | 30 days hath September Same for some months that I can't remember A bunch of the months have 31 They need a better rhyme that rhyme is dumb | 1 | 2.1 | 1 | 0 |
566 | Ladies take him with you shopping and ask him to choose some outfits which he would like you to wear. | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
567 | Never been to a cotillion.This was all new to me. Green Leaf | 0 | null | null | 0 |
568 | The average adult Silverback Gorilla can deadlift 1800 lbs. They're approximately 4 to 9 times stronger than an average human male. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
569 | Wasting your life fearing death is to die now ' Auntie Red drops knowledge about living for the here and now, and doing our best not to fixate on the inevitable. Looking back on ya life, what are some ways you've focus on living in the now? Share ya tips. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
570 | I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh". | 1 | 2.15 | 1 | 1.25 |
571 | Is there actually a correlation between the time between thunder and lightning and the distance of the storm? Or is that just something all of our dads told us? | 1 | 1.7 | 0 | 0 |
572 | A man walks into a doctors office. 'What seems to be the problem?' Asks the doc. 'It's... um... well... I have five penises,' replies the man. 'Blimey!' Says the doctor, 'how do your trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.' | 1 | 3.05 | 0 | 0.6 |
573 | Why are black peoples palms white? Because there's a little bit of good in everyone. | 1 | 1.45 | 0 | 4.2 |
574 | Me: I'm so excited to get a good night sleep tonight Brain: Actually, how about we recap all the things you screwed up today | 1 | 2.63 | 0 | 0 |
575 | Kiwi improves eyesight. it's rich in Lutein which is an antioxidant that protects the vision eyes health fruits | 0 | null | null | 0 |
576 | Everybody changed their job titles to sound less threatening but not landlords. Those little lords still lordin' those lands. | 1 | 2.28 | 1 | 0.05 |
577 | ME: Can you make sure I come back as something other than a human? DALAI LAMA: I am not in charge of that. ME: [slipping him $5] I'm tired of bathing. | 1 | 1.4 | 0 | 0.2 |
578 | Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill? Jerry can. | 1 | 1.5 | 1 | 0.2 |
579 | "Bruce" in Finding Nemo was named after the animatronic Great White shark used in the movie "Jaws." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
580 | Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus" | 1 | 2.95 | 1 | 0.95 |
581 | BIRD IN A BIRDBATH: Chirp chirp chirp. BIRD IN A PUDDLE ON THE GROUND: You fucking sellout. | 1 | 2.21 | 1 | 0.8 |
582 | BREAKING NEWS. Husband murders wife with Cancer. I've heard of a gun or a knife but never cancer. Impressive. | 1 | 2.5 | 1 | 1.1 |
583 | Accidentally used my GF's razor and now I feel fat and I'm pretty pissed about something you guys did 3 years ago | 1 | 2.11 | 1 | 1.55 |
584 | If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called? Annoying. | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0.25 |
585 | Why did God make farts smell? So that deaf people could enjoy them too. | 1 | 2.25 | 1 | 1.3 |
586 | "You the bomb." "No, you the bomb." In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument. | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 3.05 |
587 | I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master. | 1 | 1.74 | 0 | 0.9 |
588 | Can anyone help me find the movie "Citizen: I'm not losing my mind, I'm giving it away" | 0 | null | null | 0 |
589 | My hot take is that a lot of movies everyone’s raving about are meh but have an amazing last 5 minutes, and that’s what you leave remembering | 0 | null | null | 0 |
590 | Research from Harvard University found that having no friends could be as deadly as smoking. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
591 | Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I'm not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical. | 1 | 2.89 | 0 | 0.2 |
592 | My girlfriend in college left me for another woman. I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad. | 1 | 2.3 | 1 | 0.8 |
593 | Why is a lesbians tea green, slimy, and give you a great buzz? Because it's aLGae Bee Tea | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1.65 |
594 | Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend. | 1 | 2.79 | 1 | 0.3 |
595 | A scammer named Emmanuel Nwude once sold a fake airport to an international bank for $242 million between 1995 and 1998. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
596 | Welp time to watch Eastern Promises | 0 | null | null | 0 |
597 | [Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah. | 1 | 1.85 | 0 | 0 |
598 | Why don't feminists work cash registers? They can't make change. | 1 | 1.84 | 1 | 2.85 |
599 | [first day as a undercover police officer] Drug Dealer: Are you a cop? Me: Absolutely not! Why? Drug Dealer: You tried to buy marijuana by calling it 'wacky tabacky' Me: Oh okay, good. I thought it was cause you saw my squad car parked outside Drug dealer: What? Me: What? | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0.4 |
600 | My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open". | 1 | 3 | 0 | 0 |