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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
801 | When you eat the food at the bottom of the food pyramid, all the food on the top makes money. | 1 | 1.81 | 1 | 0 |
802 | Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding. | 1 | 1.65 | 0 | 0.2 |
803 | My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself. | 1 | 3.4 | 1 | 0.25 |
804 | "Here's some advice. Stay alive." - Hunger Games | 0 | null | null | 0 |
805 | An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine. | 1 | 3.1 | 1 | 0.85 |
806 | I can't never remember if I'm lisdexic Or epileptikjlfasd,md,.dsaf-aaaaafddasfrwe | 1 | 1.79 | 0 | 0.8 |
807 | Feeling the love from you all for our new show. Thanks for showing up here and spreading the word. OWNers you Rock! LOV Eis | 0 | null | null | 0 |
808 | 12:30pm PST. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
809 | Your pastor can't pray the gay out of you. Church can't make you straight. Stop wounding your soul with the pressures from homophobic people and live your life. Jesus loves you the same, he knew you before you were born. Happy Sunday! | 0 | null | null | 0.55 |
810 | What is the best way to break up with a partner? Have your methods evolved over time? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | 0 | null | null | 0 |
811 | Six of the dwarfs have personalities and one of them just sneezes a lot. | 1 | 2.12 | 0 | 0.1 |
812 | Most female cheetahs live their entire lives without ever raising a cub to maturity. Their species is dependent on supermoms: female cheetahs who are particularly adept at caring for cubs. One supermom, Eleanor, has mothered about 10% of all cheetahs in the southern Serengeti. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
813 | I used to think all black people had boomboxes. Then I realized that was just a stereo type | 1 | 2.53 | 1 | 1.7 |
814 | How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down | 1 | 1.9 | 1 | 2.3 |
815 | "First gay marriage. What's next - people marrying dogs?!" *nervous glance at dog* Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend | 1 | 2.45 | 1 | 1.15 |
816 | "I'll fight for the things that are worth it. If it makes me feel complete.' - The Wanted. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
817 | did you know that the earth used to be 100% water? that was until yo momma got thirsty. | 1 | 1.9 | 0 | 0.35 |
818 | There's nothing more manly than wearing a sports jersey with another grown man's name written on it. | 1 | 2.9 | 1 | 0.25 |
819 | PIRATE CAPTAIN: What should we do with this all this treasure? SKINNY PIRATE: Spend it on wenches! FAT PIRATE: Spend it on grog! FOUR-LEGGED FURRY PIRATE: Bury it? | 1 | 1.84 | 1 | 0 |
820 | "I don't even like you, Why'd you want to go and make me feel this way?" - 5SOS. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
821 | "You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details." ~ Before Sunset | 0 | null | null | 0 |
822 | My new girlfriend says that a small penis will not affect our relationship. That's all well and good, but I'd be a lot happier if she didn't have one at all. | 1 | 2.7 | 1 | 2 |
823 | What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad dad look what marma-laid' ! | 1 | 1.79 | 1 | 0 |
824 | Sometimes you have to be the first to walk away from drama, it's not called giving up, it's called growing up | 0 | null | null | 0 |
825 | Correction: It is WORLD Prematurity Day. Women w/ increased risk: low income, African American OR birthing b4 17 yrs old or after 35 yo | 0 | null | null | 0.9 |
826 | "As hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
827 | In the new James Bond movie, Bond apologizes to women for his behavior and is never seen again. | 1 | 2.06 | 1 | 0.35 |
828 | "I can't think about anything or anybody and and I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I can't eat. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day.' | 0 | null | null | 0 |
829 | I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding. | 1 | 3.1 | 0 | 0 |
830 | You may not be happy with the beginning of your story, but you can still take control of the ending | 0 | null | null | 0 |
831 | *Strong man rips phone book in half Me: That's amazing, where did you get a phone book? | 1 | 2.83 | 1 | 0 |
832 | A horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face". The horse clearly unable to understand eats a beer mat & shits on the floor | 1 | 1.85 | 1 | 0 |
833 | The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. What a woman. | 1 | 2.11 | 0 | 0.95 |
834 | To the haters on Twitter, if you don't like me or my tweets, I have an important message for you: Would 5 bucks change your mind? I need people to like me because it boosts my low self esteem. | 1 | 1.87 | 0 | 0 |
835 | You should never ask a woman if she's pregnant... the best way to find out is by subtly asking her for a urine sample so you can test it with a pregnancy stick. | 1 | 2.11 | 0 | 0.75 |
836 | I'm the Michael Jordan of lazy sports analogies. | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0.05 |
837 | What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? The line at KFC | 1 | 1.65 | 0 | 3.25 |
838 | As my feminism has deepened, I've been trying to understand why he remained someone I still loved and frankly I'm still figuring that out. | 0 | null | null | 0.3 |
839 | My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said: "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park." | 1 | 3.65 | 1 | 0.35 |
840 | What did the son corn say to the mama corn? Where's pop corn? | 1 | 2.65 | 0 | 0 |
841 | Are you a muscular gay dude, how do you respond to concerns by some bruvs of the community that you're full of yourself, unfaithful and generally self-serving? This is a growing stereotype of muscular gay dudes. Your thoughts. ¤ ¤ | 0 | null | null | 0.85 |
842 | The reason you have to wait so long at the hospital is because the doctors are busy flirting and having relations with each other just like on Grey's Anatomy. | 1 | 1.69 | 0 | 0.75 |
843 | The only time I regret having 3 cats is fairly often. | 1 | 1.9 | 0 | 0 |
844 | Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?". The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon". | 1 | 1.59 | 0 | 2.6 |
845 | Cucumber contains erepsin, the enzyme that helps to digest protein health protein | 0 | null | null | 0 |
846 | When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades haha | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0.3 |
847 | Despite being considered a "promiscuous" generation quite often, millennials tend to have less sexual partners than previous generations. They typically have less sex overall than their own parents. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
848 | Tinder made its first match on the continent of Antarctica in 2014. Both people were research scientists. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
849 | Def missed my connecting flight due to some delays. So I guess I'm spending the night in DC! I need a drank | 0 | null | null | 0 |
850 | If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers. | 1 | 3.33 | 0 | 1.1 |
851 | Scientists discovered traces of cannabis on the pipes found in William Shakespeare's garden. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
852 | I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free | 1 | 2.55 | 0 | 0.45 |
853 | When u get older, monsters are different: self doubt, loneliness, regret. You may be olderandwiser, you still find yourself afraid of the dark | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
854 | What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head. | 1 | 1.3 | 0 | 2.1 |
855 | Why black people are so good with basketball? They can shoot and steal without being arrested. | 1 | 1.95 | 1 | 3.9 |
856 | I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me... So I right her left there. | 1 | 1.6 | 0 | 0.05 |
857 | He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak | 0 | null | null | 0 |
858 | Having recently given up drugs life is quite boring, I now need a wife of substance to abuse. | 1 | 1.5 | 0 | 3.25 |
859 | *spelling words to my wife so our child doesn't get scared* I heard on the news that the S-U-N is going to explode and kill us all tonight | 1 | 2.93 | 0 | 0.05 |
860 | What's good on a woman but not on a pizza? Crust | 1 | 1.05 | 0 | 1.05 |
861 | Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
862 | I went to a cannibal wedding. The Groom toasted the bridesmaids, The best man toasted the Bride and Groom and the father of the Bride toasted absent friends..... It was a helluva barbecue. | 1 | 2.6 | 1 | 0.85 |
863 | I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. | 1 | 2.7 | 1 | 0.35 |
864 | Zeal Akaraiwai, a financial consultant in Nigeria, regularly pays the medical bills of other Nigerians that cannot afford to do so. Only 5% of the country has health insurance and his motto is: "Be the angel you hope to meet." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
865 | Fellas: Don't go looking for a good woman until you're a good man. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
866 | If you're reading this... Congratulations, you're alive. If that's not something to smile about, then I don't know what is. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
867 | My brother waits till the last minute to steal packages off a porch. | 1 | 1.18 | 0 | 0.4 |
868 | We will still need the help of our community to remain up and running. As we said, funds are dangerously low today, and we don't want to stop before we've really gotten started. We hope that you'll give what you canâ¤ï â | 0 | null | null | 0 |
869 | What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas? His verdict. | 1 | 1.32 | 0 | 3.2 |
870 | What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral. | 1 | 1.75 | 0 | 2.4 |
871 | Britain ended the practice of capital punishment after the unjust execution of Timothy Evans for the murder of his wife and daughter. Evans accused his neighbor of committing the crime, who was discovered to be a serial killer years later. He had killed six other women. | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
872 | therapist: living with depression is a difficult thing depression: actually living with him is worse- me: [knocks on door frame] heyyyy just putting it out there, we are officially out of dr pepper | 1 | 1.83 | 1 | 0.1 |
873 | Why are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs. corny | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 0.6 |
874 | Me: Siri, did The Beatles ever use female backup singers in their songs? Siri: You have a lot of free time for a, quote, busy guy. | 1 | 1.89 | 1 | 0 |
875 | Max Planck was told by a professor not to go into physics because "almost everything" was "already discovered." Planck said he just wanted to learn the basics, and not discover anything new. He went on to develop quantum theory and win a Nobel prize. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
876 | Love is free, lust is expensive. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
877 | What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day. | 1 | 2.65 | 1 | 2.1 |
878 | Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil. corny | 1 | 2.47 | 1 | 0 |
879 | My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that." | 1 | 3.25 | 1 | 0.1 |
880 | Only humans think it's easier to terraform a new planet than be a tiny bit accountable. | 1 | 1.58 | 1 | 0 |
881 | creating daily to-do lists could help you fight boredom and give you a sense of achievement and confidence lists | 0 | null | null | 0 |
882 | 2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma.. | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 1.75 |
883 | Twitter has been abuzz over Selena Gomez's spray tan at the Met Gala. In other news, we may be having a nuclear war with Iran. | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0 |
884 | What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year. | 1 | 3.15 | 1 | 0.35 |
885 | McMaster' sounds like what happens when a German guy makes up an Irish name. | 1 | 1.4 | 0 | 0.7 |
886 | My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude | 1 | 2.55 | 0 | 0.2 |
887 | Knock Knock... Whose there? Grandpa... QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!!! | 1 | 2.9 | 1 | 0.5 |
888 | I literally can't believe what I'm watching. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
889 | How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian? Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented | 1 | 2.3 | 0 | 2.05 |
890 | What's green and not heavy? Light green h | 1 | 1.95 | 1 | 0 |
891 | After a day of arguing with coworkers and family members, it's nice at the end of the day to finally get some alone time to argue with strangers on the internet | 1 | 2.65 | 0 | 0 |
892 | What's a movie that'll make me cry? | 0 | null | null | 0 |
893 | Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks | 1 | 2.2 | 0 | 1.65 |
894 | Well I was going to donate blood today until.... the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?" | 1 | 3.25 | 0 | 0.1 |
895 | What's the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy | 1 | 1.4 | 0 | 3 |
896 | It's embarrassing when you're the only one out on the dance floor... and by dance floor, I mean the electronics department in Walmart | 1 | 2.9 | 0 | 0 |
897 | Sit. (Just found out my dog is on Twitter.) | 1 | 1.69 | 0 | 0 |
898 | Pandas sometimes fake pregnancies to receive more food and special treatment from humans. | 0 | null | null | 0.6 |
899 | What do you call a zombified piece of toast? The un-bread. | 1 | 2.1 | 1 | 0.05 |
900 | There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don't look down. | 1 | 2.15 | 0 | 1.65 |