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MORTY | So, how did she find out? | JERRY | Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine. |
MORTY | So, what are you? Afraid of her? | JERRY | Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone? |
HELEN | Whatever I wrote down. | JERRY | Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? |
MORTY | Well, she cant be too mad. Shes still coming to the wedding. | JERRY | Yeah, but now Im nervous. |
HELEN | Oh, stop it. | JERRY | Quone? |
HELEN | ...30...31... | JERRY | Quone? No, Im afraid that Im going to have to challenge that. |
KRAMER | No, you dont have to challenge that. Thats a word. Thats a definite word. | JERRY | I am challenging. |
KRAMER | Quone. To quone something. | JERRY | Uh-huh. |
MORTY | Quones not a word. | JERRY | No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off. |
CAROL | You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now thats a sitcom! | JERRY | You must have quite a time down there. |
CAROL | We got plenty of time. | JERRY | Oh, Im sorry. Im just waiting for someone. |
UNCLE MAC | Watch what you say to this guy. Hell put it in his next act! | JERRY | Yeah, yeah... |
UNCLE MAC | Jerry, did I tell you that Im writing a book? An autobiography. | JERRY | Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it. |
UNCLE MAC | Its based on all my experiences! | JERRY | Thats perfect. |
ELAINE | Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes. | JERRY | Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car? |
ELAINE | Oh no, lets do it now. | JERRY | All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain- |
ARTIE | Jerry, were you goin with us? | JERRY | No, Im gonna take my car. |
ARTIE | Thats why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon? | JERRY | Anyway, you know why I didnt ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab. |
ARTIE | Oh, we didnt meet. | JERRY | Oh, Im sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine. |
ARTIE | (correcting Jerry) Levine. | JERRY | (sarcastically) Yeah, Levine. And Im Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here. |
ELAINE | Yeah, obviously. | JERRY | I mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people. |
ELAINE | Couldnt agree more. | JERRY | Good. |
ELAINE | Good. | JERRY | Good. |
ELAINE | Great! | JERRY | Great? Where do you get great? |
ELAINE | Its great to... talk about... other people... | JERRY | ...Guys? |
ELAINE | Yeah. | JERRY | Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific? |
ELAINE | No. A general guy. | JERRY | Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes... |
ELAINE | What? No, its not a big deal. | JERRY | No, thats great! Thats terrific! |
ELAINE | No, we just met... | JERRY | Doesnt matter. Whats the young mans name? I would like to meet him. |
ELAINE | Hmmm, I dont think so. | JERRY | Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort? |
ELAINE | Wall street. | JERRY | Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Conneticut. |
ELAINE | And he happens to be pretty good lookin. | JERRY | (pause) All right, sir. |
ELAINE | And... hes hilarious. | JERRY | Now thats not fair! So where did you meet this guy? |
ELAINE | I staked out his health club. | JERRY | Uh huh. When youre on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant? |
ELAINE | (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. | JERRY | (proudly) I am...the master packer. |
ELAINE | (laughs) Yeah, right, youre the master packer. | JERRY | What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) Youve gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks. |
ELAINE | (raising her hand) Scuse me, master packer... | JERRY | Yes. |
ELAINE | Just gimme your keys. | JERRY | All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George? |
ELAINE | Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place? | JERRY | Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower. |
ELAINE | Okay, this is quite a place. | JERRY | Theres more. The refrigerator. |
ELAINE | Ill eat out. | JERRY | One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub. |
GEORGE | (to Jerry) Ready? | JERRY | Yeah, one sec. |
GEORGE | Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck. | JERRY | Im not looking. |
GEORGE | No no no, this ones different. This ones a beauty! | JERRY | Yeah, whats it like? |
GEORGE | I havent seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park? | JERRY | How much? |
GEORGE | Uh, twice what youre payin here, but its a great building. Its two bedrooms! | JERRY | Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerrys back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that. |
ELAINE | You oughta at least take a look at it. | JERRY | Really? Why? |
ELAINE | Cause then I could move in here. | JERRY | Ohhhh... |
ELAINE | Jerry, come on, youre doin okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldnt have to live like this. | JERRY | Like this? You just said you wanted to live here. |
GEORGE | Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not? | JERRY | I cant think about it now. Come on, Im going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend. |
ELAINE | (from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows? | JERRY | Great, I had fun. Wheres the TV, wheres the VCR? |
ELAINE | They were stolen. | JERRY | Stolen? When? |
ELAINE | A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over. | JERRY | Stolen? |
ELAINE | (looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open. | JERRY | (to Kramer) You left the door open?! |
KRAMER | Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back! | JERRY | Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? |
KRAMER | (guiltily) The door. | JERRY | The door? You left the door open? |
KRAMER | Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back. | JERRY | Yeah, and? |
KRAMER | Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. The Bold And The Beautiful. | JERRY | So the door was wide open? |
KRAMER | Wide open! | JERRY | (to Elaine) And where were you? |
KRAMER | Look, Jerry, Im sorry, Im uh- you have insurance, right buddy? | JERRY | No. |
KRAMER | (shocked) How can you not have insurance? | JERRY | Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. Its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!! |
KRAMER | Jerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case. | JERRY | Yeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident. |
KRAMER | Im human. | JERRY | In your way. |
ELAINE | Answering machine. | JERRY | (disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls. |
POLICEMAN | What do you mean? | JERRY | Its a joke. |
POLICEMAN | I see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything. | JERRY | You ever find anything? |
POLICEMAN | No. | JERRY | Well, thanks anyway. |
ELAINE | I didnt get that joke either. | JERRY | The crook has the machine. The messages arent for him. Hes the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here? |
GEORGE | I walked in, your lobby door is broken again. | JERRY | Again? |
ELAINE | Yeah, tell im George. | JERRY | (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here? |
ELAINE | Yes! You dont understand. Im living with Ethel Merman without the talent. | JERRY | (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available? |
GEORGE | I didnt know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible. | JERRY | How do you get all that wood in here? |
ELAINE | They deliver it. | JERRY | They deliver wood? |
ELAINE | Yeah. | JERRY | What do you tip a wood guy? |
GEORGE | A garden! I cant believe theres a garden! | JERRY | Would I have to get a gardener? |
ELAINE | Yeah, you can get a gardener. | JERRY | You tip him? |
ELAINE | Jerry, you can barbecue back here. | JERRY | They deliver the coal? |
ELAINE | Sure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood. | JERRY | Oh, then I gotta tip him. |
ELAINE | Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light! | JERRY | I dont have any plants. |
ELAINE | Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! Im walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) Its a walk-in. Can you believe it? Im nuts about this, what do you think? | JERRY | I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George? |
GEORGE | Its your decision. | JERRY | Im takin it, Im takin the place. Im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. Im livin here...Im movin. |
ELAINE | What about the couch? | JERRY | You like the couch? Ill tell you what Im gonna do. |
ELAINE | What? | JERRY | Youre movin in, youre a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I dont even wanna see it, go, get it out. |
ELAINE | A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch? | JERRY | Yeah! |
ELAINE | For this couch?! | JERRY | Okay, you tell me. What is it worth? |
ELAINE | Okay, uh, Ill tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I dont know, maybe...twenty dollars? | JERRY | Yeah? |
GEORGE | (from the intercom) Yeah, its George. | JERRY | Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, Im gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) Im just gonna pack up the cushions right now... |
ELAINE | Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars. | JERRY | (continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, cause I wanna get it in the hall. |
ELAINE | Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right? | JERRY | Fifty dollars? |
ELAINE | Uh-huh. | JERRY | Thank you very much. |
ELAINE | I just bought Jerrys couch for fifty dollars. | JERRY | (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. |
GEORGE | (frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it. | JERRY | Why? |
GEORGE | If youre having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know. | JERRY | You could take it? You want it? |
GEORGE | No, I dont want it. I want it, if you dont want it. | JERRY | So you do want it. |
GEORGE | No I, I want it if you dont want it. | JERRY | You just said you wanted it! |
GEORGE | No, Im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, I might take it. | JERRY | So take it. |
GEORGE | How can I take it? | JERRY | How can I take it? |
GEORGE | Its your apartment! | JERRY | How can I want it now, if you want it? |
GEORGE | Yes, but I am not taking it. | JERRY | I...am not taking it. |
ELAINE | Well, one of you better damn well take it! | JERRY | Well, whaddaya wanna do here? |