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GEORGE | You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?! | JERRY | No, I do not like the bank. Ive heard the expression Laughing all the way to the bank. I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? Im almost at the front. Id like a reward for this please. |
GEORGE | ...thirty-two, thirty-three- | JERRY | George. |
GEORGE | Not now. | JERRY | Could you stop the counting? |
GEORGE | What?! | JERRY | Can I make it up to you? Ill give you fifty bucks for the jug. |
GEORGE | Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money. | JERRY | Well, then Im not going to the game either. Okay? Ill give him both tickets. |
GEORGE | Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go! | JERRY | I- no, I dont want to go. |
GEORGE | He was really crying? | JERRY | I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and Ill just make up some excuse why I cant go to the game either. |
GEORGE | Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as youre going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go? | JERRY | George, the man wept. |
KRAMER | No, Im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. | JERRY | I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but thats me. Alright |
KRAMER | Thats you. | JERRY | Im just saying..Alright. |
KRAMER | Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys. | JERRY | Okay. |
KRAMER | One day, youll beg me to make your own pie. | JERRY | (to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I cant make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. Theyre at the Will-Call window... And Im really sorry... Have a good time... Well talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I dont... Fine.. Fine... Bye. |
GEORGE | Trapezoid? | JERRY | I know. Im really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex. |
ELAINE | Come on, lets go do something. I dont wanna just sit around here. | JERRY | Okay. |
ELAINE | Want to go get something to eat? | JERRY | Where do you want to go? |
ELAINE | I dont care, Im not hungry. | JERRY | We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. |
ELAINE | What are we gonna do there? Talk? | JERRY | We could talk. |
ELAINE | Ill go if I dont have to talk. | JERRY | Then well just sit there. |
ELAINE | Okay. Im gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy... | JERRY | Okay, just hand that over, please. |
ELAINE | Oh, what is this? | JERRY | Its a list of excuses, its for that guy, Horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I dont have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing? |
ELAINE | I got some for you. | JERRY | I dont need any more. |
ELAINE | No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen You ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house. | JERRY | (not amused) Very funny. |
ELAINE | How about Youve been diagnosed as a multiple personality. Youre not even you. Youre Dan. | JERRY | Im Dan. Can I have my list back, please? |
ELAINE | Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe youre doing this. This is absolutely infantile. | JERRY | What can I do? |
ELAINE | Deal with it. Be a man! | JERRY | Oh no. Thats impossible. Id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus. |
ELAINE | You made a man cry? Ive never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. I got the cab. | JERRY | Couple of tough monkeys. |
KRAMER | Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! | JERRY | Game? |
KRAMER | Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat! | JERRY | Wait. How does Horneck know you? |
KRAMER | Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. Hes really into my pizza place idea! | JERRY | This is too much. |
ELAINE | Wait, what pizza place idea? | JERRY | Oh, no. |
KRAMER | Yeah. | JERRY | Perfect. |
JOEL | So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? | JERRY | Oh, we finished early. |
JOEL | M-hm, Ill bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your nephew? | JERRY | Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. |
JOEL | Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? | JERRY | Were still friends. |
ELAINE | Oh, no no. Tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice. | JERRY | Right. I forgot about choir. |
ELAINE | We-Were doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems. | JERRY | Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything. |
JOEL | You know, I should really try something like that. | JERRY | You really should. |
JOEL | Forty-one home games. Let's see saturday night weve got the Mavericks. If you dont like the Mavericks, next Tuesday Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You cant miss Air Jordan... | JERRY | You know, I really... Ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that theyre just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you dont really wanna see them. You dont call them, they call you. You dont call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend youre hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend theres a little desk around you. The only problem with this is theres no way you can say, Hey, its been great having you on the show. Were out of time. |
GEORGE | I never heard him say anything really funny. | JERRY | But its common sense. Hes got super strength, super speed. Im sure hes got super humor. |
GEORGE | You would think that, but either youre born with a sense of humor, or youre not. Its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. | JERRY | Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth? |
ELAINE | I know, I know. Im sorry Im late. | JERRY | No problem. |
ELAINE | I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldnt find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went. | JERRY | Were you crying? I mean, its just a grape. Youll find it. |
ELAINE | No, Im just getting over an allergy attack. This guy Im going out with... | JERRY | Robert. |
GEORGE | Guys with cats... I dont know. | JERRY | Ive been thinking about asking this girl Im, uh, seeing- |
ELAINE | Vanessa. | JERRY | Vanessa, thank you. Ive been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days. |
GEORGE | Thats exquisite. Listen, uh, if its not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? | JERRY | You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel. |
GEORGE | A stock. | JERRY | What stock? |
GEORGE | Did you ever meet my friend, Simons? | JERRY | Maybe. |
GEORGE | He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now hes got some new thing. You know, theres supposed to be a big merger. He wasnt even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too. | JERRY | How highs it suppose to go? |
GEORGE | I dont know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it? | JERRY | Boy... I dont know. |
ELAINE | Id do it but I dont have any money. | JERRY | What kind of company is it? |
GEORGE | Some sort of electronic thingy. | JERRY | Well, how much are you going to invest? |
GEORGE | Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand. | JERRY | Boy... |
GEORGE | Cmon. Wilkinsons got millions invested in this stock. Its gone up three points since Ive been watching it. | JERRY | What if I lose it? |
GEORGE | Cmon, go for twenty-five hundred. Well do it together. Come on, come on. Were in it together. | JERRY | All right. Twenty-five hundred. |
GEORGE | (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser. | JERRY | My bet? All right. Ill open with a tuna sandwich. |
ELAINE | Tuna? | JERRY | Oh, the dolphin thing? |
ELAINE | Theyre dying in the nets. | JERRY | Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. |
ELAINE | Jerry, cant you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? | JERRY | Hey, when Im driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. Im always waving everybody in. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. ...All right. All right. Ill have a chicken salad. |
GEORGE | Ill have the tuna. | JERRY | I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me. |
VANESSA | Why didnt you do something? | JERRY | What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, Im risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? |
VANESSA | Yeah, Ive been thinking about it. | JERRY | You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont. |
VANESSA | I dont know. I just worry about trips like this. Its a lot of pressure. | JERRY | Its great! It speeds up the intimacy level. Its like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days. |
VANESSA | Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two? | JERRY | Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two. |
VANESSA | Really? Could we go fishing up there? | JERRY | Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin? |
VANESSA | They have marlin in Vermont? | JERRY | Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin) |
JERRY | I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources. | JERRY | Is that my paper? |
KRAMER | Bad news, my friend. | JERRY | What? What news? |
KRAMER | Sendrax. | JERRY | Oh, cmon! Its down again?! |
KRAMER | Two and a half points. | JERRY | Oh, I cant believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) Thats four and a half points in three days! Thats almost half my money! |
KRAMER | Hey, I told you. | JERRY | (sarcastic) Yeah, you told me. |
KRAMER | Its all manipulated with junk bonds. You cant win. | JERRY | Theres one thing I dont understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please. |
KRAMER | Hey, I dont care. Im just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! | JERRY | (to the phone) George, whats going on?! |
KRAMER | Sell it, just say Im selling! | JERRY | (to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my moneys gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasnt been home or in his office in the past three days! |
KRAMER | You know, I cant believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you couldve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. | JERRY | Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one? |
KRAMER | Okay, youre in a restaurant. Youve got a very big meeting coming up... | JERRY | Okay... |
KRAMER | (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie! | JERRY | (going along with it) Oh No! |
KRAMER | You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then youre gone. | JERRY | Youre gone all right. |
KRAMER | (Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what... | JERRY | Yeah, Im going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days. |
KRAMER | Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. | JERRY | What friends? |
KRAMER | Well, its just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) Cause theyre really good people, Jerry. Im telling you. You know, theyre anarchists. Theyre.. theyre.. theyre.. huge. | JERRY | George- What?! Youre kidding... Well, whats wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, Ill speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy whos supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, hes in the hospital. |
GEORGE | All Simons was able to find out is that hes in the hospital. | JERRY | Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him? |
GEORGE | Of course hes been in touch with him. Hes left two messages. He just hasnt heard back yet, thats all. | JERRY | Well, this is it. Im selling. |
GEORGE | Just give it a little more time. | JERRY | I never shouldve gotten involved in this. Im a nervous wreck. Im not cut out for investing. |
GEORGE | All right, all right. Thats it. Im gonna go down there. | JERRY | Where? |
GEORGE | To the hospital. | JERRY | The hospital? |
GEORGE | Im going to find out whats going on. All right? | JERRY | Are you nuts? You dont even know the guy. |
GEORGE | So what? Ill start talking to him, you know, casual, and Ill work my way around to it. | JERRY | What if hes in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (He makes a hissing sound.) By the way, whats happening with Sendrax? |
GEORGE | Maybe hes resting. | JERRY | Who goes to the hospital to rest? |
GEORGE | What are you, a doctor? | JERRY | Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there? |
GEORGE | Today. Im going today. Just dont do anything until you hear from me. | JERRY | All right. |
DRY CLEANER | (to Jerry) May I help you? | JERRY | Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. Its completely shrunk. Theres absolutely no way I can wear it. |
DRY CLEANER | When did you bring it in? | JERRY | Whats the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?! |
DRY CLEANER | You got a receipt? | JERRY | I cant find the receipt. |
DRY CLEANER | You should get the receipt. | JERRY | Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! Its a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?! |
DRY CLEANER | Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? | JERRY | What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I dont even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. Thats what I want. I want an admission of guilt. |
DRY CLEANER | Maybe you asked for it to be washed. | JERRY | No! Dry-cleaned. |
DRY CLEANE | Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing- | JERRY | You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it! |
DRY CLEANER | (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it. | JERRY | I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, Well, its ruined. And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, Its not our fault. Were not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation. You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? Theyre cleaning our clothes, but theyre not getting anything wet. Its all dry. I know theres gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that theyre using. Theres no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) Thats dry cleaning. I dont think thats what theyre doing back there. They dont have eighty guys going, Come on, hurry up! Theres a lot of shirts today! |
ELAINE | I dont know. I cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? | JERRY | Well, it couldnt be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? |