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SamuelYang

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august 6th i 've got to start classes tomorrow so i 've decided to smile because it 's the easiest way to hide the pain and i 'll act like losing payton was n't a big deal when it really broke my heart .

it 's what everyone wants because it 'll make them feel better .

i 'm doing it for them , not me .

please , smile again .

i miss your dimples .

august 7th these are my own private thoughts and if i 'm going to wuss out in this journal , i might as well do a bang up job at it .

( that 's one of payton 's words i love so much . )

i 'm hollow without her .

i want to beg her back but i know it would be wasted breath .

she hates me .

but i still love her .

i wish i could just stop loving her the way she stopped loving me but then i hate myself for even having those kind of thoughts .

i do n't want to stop loving her .

writing this down is the only reason i do n't lose my mind entirely .

i ca n't say these things to anyone .

jessie says i need to talk to claire 's mom but i ca n't .

this is my only way of confessing the way i feel .

i love you , too , nick .

i never stopped even when i thought the worse of you .

please , do n't stop loving me .

i was wrong .

august 10th i got a new tattoo today .

i wish i could show it to payton , but i ca n't because she 's not here .

and she wo n't ever be again .

i will be .

and i ca n't wait to see your new tattoo .

i wish you had described it .

august 15th i could n't shake the need to see my mother again so i called her today .

we 're meeting tomorrow .

it 's scary , but not near as much as thinking about spending the rest of my life without payton .

god , i miss her .

i did n't know you saw tillie .

she never mentioned it .

august 16th i met my mother at a restaurant in collinsville today .

i got to hear her version of how things happened .

it was n't pretty , but i 'm glad to know the truth .

just when i think i ca n't begin to understand how she walked away from us , i think about the things i would do if payton asked me to and i find that i should n't be too critical or judgmental because i would do anything payton asked of me .

payton was right .

she blackmailed vivian about her affair with david so we could be together .

i said it would n't change the way i felt about her , but i was wrong .

she helped us be together , so how could i hate her ?

she wants to see jake and dallas .

i 'm going to ask them for her , but jake will refuse because he was so angry when dad told him she lived so close .

i think dallas will agree .

she does n't remember her and if nothing else , she would want to see her out of curiosity .

my mother says payton is at ut and she has n't seen her in a few weeks .

i found out vivian lied to me about payton and cooper .

they did n't get back together .

i was happy to hear that , but it only means she 's on the market for someone else to have .

it would kill me to see her with someone else .

i hope seeing tillie helped you .

i 'm glad you know the truth about me and cooper .

and i 'm not on the market .

my heart belongs to you and no other .

august 22th i 'm settling into classes and it 's helping me take my mind off payton .

a little .

luke and justin talked me into going out with them tonight .

they told me i needed to get laid to forget about payton .

i would try it if i thought it would work .

no .

no .

no .

do n't do that , nick .

please .

august 23rd we went to the club last night .

i danced with some girls , but none of them held a candle to payton .

there was one that reminded me of her though .

she was n't near as beautiful and she was soft spoken .

nothing like my payton .

i do n't guess i can call her that anymore .

she is n't my payton .

this girl liked me .

a lot .

she asked me to leave the club with her so i did .

no !

no !

no !

i slammed the journal shut and threw it across the room .

it slammed against the wall and fell opened on the floor .

i could n't do it .

i could n't read about him being with another girl .

this was my fault .

i should n't have left him .

he was sleeping with other girls because i was too stubborn to hear him out .

he was innocent all along .

i put my arms around my legs and started rocking .

i did this to myself and now i had to deal with the consequences .

i looked at nick 's journal on the floor and walked over to pick it up .

i had to own this pain to get past it .

knowing the truth would n't be as bad as imagining far worst .

i picked it up and read that last line again before i continued .

she asked me to leave the club with her so i did .

i went back to her apartment with her because i thought it would help me forget payton .

but it did n't .

nothing ever does .

she did n't even expect romantic stuff .

it had been so long since i had been with a girl other than payton , i had forgotten how some of them could be .

she was stripping her clothes off like we were about to close some kind of business transaction .

she was pissed when i told her i could n't sleep with her because my heart belonged to someone and it was n't her .

thank , god !