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july 16th payton can still scream my name .

really loud .

we were in my room and i was n't sure when anyone would come home so i put my hand over her mouth .

she bit me .

funny thing about that ?

i liked it .

the not so funny thing about it ?

ginny came in the house and heard us .

she knew what we were doing .

she waited until payton was gone to ask me if we were being careful .

for future reference : having the sex talk with your grandmother is not cool .

really .

i 'm not telling payton what ginny asked me .

she would be mortified .

she 'd probably never want to come back for cooking lessons and i need that girl to know how to cook if i 'm keeping her forever .

i love good food .

do n't be so dramatic .

it was just a gentle love bite .

maybe .

i liked it , too .

and also what you did to make me scream your name .

i wish you could do it again .

you 're right .

i would have died if i had known ginny heard us .

good call , nick .

july 20th i did the wrong thing to the right girl .

or at least i was told i did .

today started out great with payton at my house for her weekly cooking lesson with ginny .

but then the shit hit the fan .

and it slung it all over the room .

a girl showed up at my house and told me i had a kid .

a one month-old .

she never even told me if it was a boy or a girl .

i just thought about that .

i did n't recall ever seeing this girl before in my life , but that does n't mean it did n't happen .

it 's not the baby 's fault and i know what it 's like to be thrown away by a parent so i could n't do that if this kid was mine .

i did n't have a choice .

i had to tell payton .

i could have lied about it until the dna test came back .

if the kid turned out to not be mine , then she never had to know , but i could n't do that to her .

she was devastated and it killed me to see that pain in her eyes .

i know what she was thinking because i was thinking the same .

this kid just crushed our dreams .

i could give up any hope of her marrying me if this kid was mine .

i could probably give up any hope of that even if it was n't .

she was scared it would happen again and who was i kidding ?

it could happen again .

she said she was going to be with someone else so i could know the pain she was feeling .

what could i say about it if she did ?

i 'd been with too many to count .

an unidentifiable number .

is n't that what she called it ?

she came to find me at the pool hall , but why ?

did she come there to pick up somebody or did she come so we could work things out ?

i do n't guess it matters because samantha saw her walk in and she jumped in my lap and put her tongue down my throat for payton to see .

psychotic bitch .

i can only imagine how that must have looked to payton .

she did n't believe me when i tried to explain .

could i blame her ?

then again i was drunk as a skunk .

i 'm not sure how good of a job i did at explaining .

i do n't really remember what i told her .

something about wanting to put babies inside her seem to ring a bell for some reason .

god , that was not the right thing to say to your girlfriend when another girl just showed up on your doorstep claiming to have had your kid .

except payton was n't my girlfriend anymore .

she was leaving me over this .

and i ca n't say i blamed her .

she deserved so much better than me .

she now knew me for the son of a bitch i was and she left just like i knew she would .

but here 's the part where we slam on the breaks for what happened next .

the whole thing was bogus .

i never met that chick .

samantha fabricated it all , including the part payton saw in the pool hall , to break us up .

and it worked like a charm .

and now i have no way of proving any of this to payton other than my word and that of my 2 drunk buddies .

i 'm screwed .

i saw the hurt in her eyes .

she 's not going to forgive me for this thing i did n't do .

oh , god .

he did n't get that girl pregnant and he did n't want that psychotic bitch .

all of this was her doing and i was blind to all of it because i was so stubborn .

he knew i would n't take his word for it .

what have i done , nick ?

july 25th vivian enjoyed telling me payton was with cooper and it broke my heart .

that 's a bold faced lie .

i am not with cooper .

i told him we would never get back together .

my mother is a total bitch .

july 30th dallas says i ca n't stay drunk for the rest of my life .

i beg to differ .

i , too , have done my fair share of getting drunk since we broke up .

august 1st my blood is drowning in alcohol .

so is my brain .

it 's the only way i do n't constantly think about the way i screwed up with the only girl i 've ever loved .

oh , nick .

what are you doing to yourself ?

august 4th my dad thinks i need help or something .

i do .

it 's called payton archer .

i 'm so sorry for leaving .