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SamuelYang

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i breathed a sigh of relief , the first breath i had taken since i started reading this entry .

and i 'm glad she was pissed .

september 11th today is my sweet payton 's birthday .

i can call her that if i want to .

we 're not together and i ca n't give it to her but i still bought the ring i had been saving for .

i even got it engraved on the inside just like i planned .

`` you and no other . ''

i do n't know what i 'll do with it .

i guess i 'll stare at it every day and think about how i let the only girl i 'll ever want to marry slip through my fingers .

he bought me a ring ?

what kind of ring ?

one that you 'd engrave you and no other inside .

i think it 's an engagement ring since he says i 'm the only girl he 'll ever want to marry .

i have to know .

i have to see him .

now .

the sun was n't up yet but it would be by the time i got ready and made it to collinsville .

i had to see him .

i had to tell him how much i loved him and how wrong i was .

i went to my room to shower and i got ready .

i let my hair go curly the way he liked it and i put on the sundress i wore when he took me to dinner after we made love for the first time .

i hoped he recognized it and remembered .

when i was ready to go , i softly knocked on claire 's door .

i heard stirring and smiled to myself because i knew she was putting on clothes .

`` come in . ''

i eased the door open and jessie was still asleep .

i motioned with my finger for her to come out so we did n't wake him up .

she saw nick 's journal in my hand .

`` you read it ? ''

i clutched it to my heart .

`` yes .

maybe i should n't have , but i did and i 've been so wrong about him .

i have to go to him .

now . ''

she looked out her window and then at the clock .

`` it 's still dark .

why do n't you wait until it 's light outside . ''

she was n't winning this argument .

`` it 'll be light by the time i get to his house .

i ca n't stand to be without him another minute .

i 'll burst if i stay here .

it 's only a two hour drive and i want to be there when he wakes up . ''

`` i can see it does n't matter what i want you to do .

you 're going to do whatever you want . ''

`` tell me something i do n't know . ''

31 in the middle of shallow nick i drank way too much whiskey so my head was freakin ' pounding and whoever was blowing up my phone was n't helping matters .

i reached over to silence the thing because i was in no mood to talk to anyone , especially at eight o'clock in the morning after the drunk i pulled .

a few minutes later , i heard a soft knock on my door .

shit !

could i not be left in peace for one minute ?

`` what ? ''

dallas opened my door and something about the look on her face was n't right .

she would n't be coming into my room on a saturday morning this early .

i lifted my head to look at her and she had her phone in her hand .

she did n't say a word .

she just handed it to me and i could only assume she meant for me to answer it .

`` hello ? ''

`` nick , it 's claire . ''

please , no .

my heart sank because i immediately knew something had happened to payton and i shot up in the bed .

`` what 's happened to her ? ''

`` i do n't know .

she left four hours ago coming to your house and she 's not answering her phone .

she was supposed to call when she got to your house and i have n't heard from her .

she should have made it to your house by six o'clock .

maybe even earlier because there would n't have been much traffic .

i 'm scared . ''

`` okay , dallas will start calling all the hospitals between us and i 'll get my dad up .

he can get some units to help patrol the area looking for her car .

i want you to start driving this direction on the route she would have taken .

i 'll drive in your direction from this side . ''

`` okay .

there 's two ways she could have gone .

i 'll take one and jessie will take the other . ''

i hung up and handed dallas ' phone to her .

she took it from me but stood frozen as i got up to get dressed .

`` nick , this is all my fault . ''

i went to my closet to grab a shirt .

`` how could this possibly be your fault ? ''

i pulled my undershirt over my head and started tucking it in my jeans .

`` i went to knoxville last night to see payton . ''

`` why did you do that ? ''

i could see the tears collecting in her eyes .

`` to convince her you should be together . ''

`` i love you , sis and i appreciate what you did . ''

i kissed the top of her head .

`` but this is n't your fault . ''

the tears collecting in her eyes spilled down her cheeks .

`` but , it is . ''

`` we 'll talk about it later .

right now , i just need to find payton and make sure she 's okay . ''

dad immediately sprung into cop mode and had units patrolling for payton 's car before i even left the house .

i got in my car and for the first time in a long time , i started praying .

i love her so much .

please , let her be okay .

please place your protection around her and keep her safe .

she means everything to me .

i was almost out of collinsville when i got a call from my dad .

`` a unit found her car on the side of the road , but it 's been abandoned .

looks like she had a blowout in a rural stretch so her phone probably was n't getting a signal . ''