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why'd ms. archer give us until friday...?

i did that.

somebody in this building is gonna have sex with me.

yeah? you think between now and friday...

you can score some roofies?

heh-heh-heh.

uh-uh. pam?

i will end you.

ow! where the hell is my staple gun?

i think i saw cyril with it.

he went through my desk?

i guess.

i mean he said he did.

i don't know why i'm surprised.

i mean, can you believe him?

cheating on lana?

baffling.

said the kettle. which is why i started that new policy.

yeah?

you idiots run around here...

like it's spring break on south padre.

just sex, sex, sex... sexy-sexy, eh? nikolai?

is from frederick's of latvia.

mother?

what?

oh, hello, son.

nikolai.

why did he call me son?

what is this?

you mean... besides incredibly awkward?

no, i think incredibly awkward just about sums it up.

what? mother!

nikolai, could i call you back?

i will be here maybe in one hour...

then i'll try to hit gym, so... the gym.

that'll be the day.

are you out of your mind?

i must be. because it looks like you just destroyed...

my steuben bar set.

well, you just destroyed my innocence.

oh, please, that brazilian au pair... did that when you were 13. 12. and why does nikolai jakov... the head of the kgb, have a direct line to your office?

well, you know, from time to time...

what...?

no.

just leave that, you'll cut yourself. sterling.

why did he just call me son?

that's often a figure of speech.

yeah? how often?

very often.

just not in this case.

i know...

uh... what? terrific.

two steuben glasses left and you break one.

i'm sorry, krieger, but it's over.

so here's all your creedence clearwater albums back.

now a sad moon is on the rise.

i know, devastating.

but it's not you, it's your weak, womanny hands.

they're not...

it's like being choked by a child.

which i thought would be hot, but... wait, no, i'll take steroids.

i can't wait.

i need a man now... with monster-hands.

oh, like lana ha... hey, you.

you know, the whole monster-hands thing?

starting to border on mean.

oh, you gonna run cry to ms. archer,

like when cyril cheated on you? hello.

ooh-la-la.

well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose i made out of extension cord.

guess what.

she wasn't the only one cyril cheated with.

and what is that supposed to mean?

figure it out, truckasaurus.

oh, that gives me an idea.

but i already have a father.

his name was john fitzgerald archer.

he was a fighter ace, and he won the navy cross.

and his men called him...

black jack archer.

i know, dear, i know, because i made it all up.

but the military funeral.

ready. aim.

oh, my god.

if we miss that train i will go blind.

fire.

but the 21 gun salute.

i donated 600 bucks to a junior rotc team up in yonkers.

which they used to go to a competition in albany... where they won third place.

so a lot of good came out of that.

so all's well that ends well?

what was i to do?

tell a 3-year-old his father might be in the kgb?

what? what do you mean might be?

so there may or may not be a few other possibles... in the mix.

what?

seriously? you cheated on me with carol?

cheryl.

exactly.

and i can explain that.