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post | 30neuu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,799 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30neuu/an_english_man_is_driving_down_a_road_and_sees_a/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | An English man is driving down a road and sees a hitch hiker with 3 eyes, no arms and 1 leg... | 1 |
post | 30neqb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,738 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30neqb/why_did_the_pimp_wear_a_mozzarella_hat/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why did the pimp wear a mozzarella hat? | 0 |
post | 30nega | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,611 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nega/rick_astley_is_such_a_nice_guy_hell_let_you/ | self.jokes | null | He's never gonna give you Up. | Rick Astley is such a nice guy. He'll let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. | 0 |
post | 30nef4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,594 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nef4/why_arent_indian_people_allowed_to_play_soccer/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why aren't Indian people allowed to play soccer? | 0 |
post | 30nee8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,584 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nee8/what_kind_of_bikes_do_girls_ride/ | self.jokes | null | Menstrual Cycles
(I'm 99% sure I made this up!) | What kind of bikes do girls ride? | 31 |
post | 30necy | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,564 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30necy/what_do_you_call_a_bison_thats_sick_to_his_stomach/ | self.jokes | null | A barffalo | What do you call a bison that's sick to his stomach? | 1 |
post | 30nebw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,551 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nebw/mil_had_my_goat_circumcised_against_my_wishes/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | MIL had my goat circumcised against my wishes | 0 |
post | 30ndy6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,348 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ndy6/ive_started_a_band_called_999_megabytes/ | self.jokes | null | We haven’t got a gig yet. | I’ve started a band called 999 megabytes | 0 |
post | 30ndfo | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,586,093 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ndfo/i_havent_pooped_in_a_couple_weeks/ | self.jokes | null | I'm not constipated, I'm just procrapstinating | I haven't pooped in a couple weeks | 0 |
post | 30ncl9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,585,675 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ncl9/whats_the_difference_between_swine_flu_and_bird/ | self.jokes | null | For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment. | What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? | 4 |
post | 30nbno | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,585,198 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nbno/a_man_goes_to_the_restroom_and_leaves_his_drink/ | self.jokes | null | He comes back and finds another note: "me too" | A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen | 60 |
post | 30nb3h | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,584,911 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30nb3h/a_teacher_is_teaching/ | self.jokes | null | a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" | A teacher is teaching... | 82 |
post | 30naco | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,584,520 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30naco/why_are_people_reluctant_to_eat_pudding_that_is/ | self.jokes | null | Because it is off pudding. | Why are people reluctant to eat pudding that is past its expiration date? | 0 |
post | 30n9e6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,583,997 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n9e6/a_man_visits_a_monastery/ | self.jokes | null | He sleeps in the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in. In the middle of the night he hears a beautiful noise that wakes him up, even from the amazing bed he is laying on. He realises that the noise is coming from a door in the corner of his room. He decides not to get up and goes back to sleep.
The next morning he asks a nearby monk what the noise was. "I'm sorry I can't tell you," he replies, "you're not a monk." So the man asks the monk, "What will it take to become a monk?" To which the monk replies, "We will give you tasks. Each will give you a lesson in patience and equilibrium within yourself."
His first task was to go to the nearby beach and count every grain of sand individually. For the next five years the man wanders the beach, being careful not to lose count or double count any grains. After the trial is done he returns and asks if he can see what is behind the door. The monk replies "I'm sorry I can't tell you. You're not a monk."
"Your next task is to go to the meadow and count every blade of grass." This time, with more patience he treks to the great field and begins his count. The wind being a huge obstacle for him, he counts the blades of grass for the next ten years. Upon his return he asks to see what is behind the door. "I'm sorry I can't tell you, you are not yet a monk. You have but one more task."
The man is then sent to a forest, spreading over three acres. As he arrives he sees a ladder and a note which reads "You know what you must do." So he begins to count every leaf on every tree. His practice with the monks for the past years of his life have greatly improved his physique, his spirituality, and his intellect. With these traits he is able to climb up and down this ladder and count every leaf with ease. For the next fifteen years he calmly and happily counts, by this time forgetting all about the door.
The youngest monk before he, now the Elder Monk, is the last of his predecessors to still be alive when he returns from his journey. The Elder monk immediately hands him a key ring and says, "You have proven yourself worthy. When i die you will become the Elder Monk. Here are the keys required to open the inner sanctum. You may find the first door in the room you layed in on your first say with us." The memory of the beautiful noise, and the sight of the key to open in made him break down and begin to cry right then and there.
He goes to the door, and examines the keyes on the ring. There is a plain metal key, a stone, a very large key, and a Crystal shard. The first door in front of him seems to be a fairly modern door, so he opens it with the plain metal key. After walking down the hall and down the stairs he comes across a stone wall which seems to be a dead end. As he begins to lose hope, he sees a small gap in the stone wall. He pulls out his key ring and places the stone into the wall. The wall decends into the floor, revealing a path ahead of him.
The path is a mile long and direct, no turns, no lights, and no stairs. As he progresses through the straight pitch black corridor, he begins to see a light. As he gets closer he sees that he is going into a cave, a very large cave. The cave is filled with colorful crystals and marvelous stones. There is a small hole above him which seems to small for any animal to fit through. After about ten minutes wandering through the cave he hears a faint ringing. The hole above him is shining light through various crystals, causing them to vibrate and ring. The refractions of the light end up pointing to a crystal cluster that seems to have a missing crystal. He places the Crystal from his pocket into the cluser, and all the crystals in the cave disintegrate.
He is immediately filled with sorrow. He believes he just destroyed the source of the beautiful noise he worked so hard to behold. As the tears fall, he lifts his head remembering that he has one more key. He looks around to find that a very large door, previously hidden by the crystals, had been exposed. So he takes the final key from his pocket and opens the door. The second the door flies open, he sees the most amazing wonder he has ever seen in his entire life. It beats the beautiful views he has seen during his time as a monk. It overpowers every beautiful song he had ever heard. Upon seeing this treasure he realises that his life is now complete and understands what it is to not fear death, as he can now die happily.
Would you like to know what he saw?
I'm sorry I can't tell you, you're not a monk. | A man visits a monastery. | 0 |
post | 30n8q1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,583,610 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n8q1/a_very_old_german_veteran_took_the_bus_home_after/ | self.jokes | null | On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.
When he woke up, his shoes were gone.
Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.
After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned into anger. Feeling he was being pranked, he began to speak in a loud voice, addressing the entire passengers of the bus.
"If I don't find my shoes, the events of 1958 would repeat itself today!"
This did not go down well with other passengers and they did not like his tone or threat. The man was unfazed by their disapproval and repeated himself louder.
"If I don't find my shoes, what happened in 1958 would happen here again. You've all been warned!"
Thankfully, the lady beside him spotted his shoes tucked behind a bag, she handed them to him asking what happened in 1958 that he threatened to repeat. The German replied.
"I had to walk home barefooted" | A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum. | 13 |
post | 30n6x6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,582,655 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n6x6/whats_better_than_roses_on_a_piano/ | self.jokes | null | Two-lips on your organ | What's better than roses on a piano? | 12 |
post | 30n6bu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,582,325 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n6bu/my_eyes_have_been_bugging_me_recently_so_i_went/ | self.jokes | null | Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. | My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. | 14 |
post | 30n53q | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,688 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n53q/i_was_magically_turned_into_a_baby_goat/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I was magically turned into a baby goat | 0 |
post | 30n53s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,688 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n53s/f_germany_is_the_fatherland_and_russia_is_the/ | self.jokes | https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n53s/f_germany_is_the_fatherland_and_russia_is_the/ | null | f Germany is the “Fatherland” and Russia is the “Motherland”, was the Second World War a divorce case? | 60 |
post | 30n4pf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,450 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4pf/whats_a_cows_favorite_city/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What's a cow's favorite city? | 4 |
post | 30n4p2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,445 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4p2/i_repurposed_some_lumber/ | self.jokes | null | It was ex-siding. | I repurposed some lumber. | 3 |
post | 30n4ny | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,426 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4ny/whats_the_hardest_part_of_eating_a_vegetable/ | self.jokes | null | The wheelchair. | What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? | 10 |
post | 30n4dn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,278 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n4dn/honey_i_just_won_the_lottery/ | self.jokes | null | -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow! | Honey, I just won the lottery! | 19 |
post | 30n457 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,148 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n457/what_do_you_call_it_when_prisoners_take_their_own/ | self.jokes | null | Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry | What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots? | 121 |
post | 30n41u | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,103 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n41u/whats_the_difference_between_a_cunt_and_a_pussy/ | self.jokes | null | A child asked his father "what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt dad?" The father tells him to come upstairs into his bedroom where the wife is taking a nap and pulls up the blanket and whispers "that's a pussy son" the son screams "whoa!" The father grabs the boy by the arm and says "keep it down! Or you'll wake the cunt up!" | What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy? | 1 |
post | 30n417 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,581,096 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n417/why_did_the_chicken_head_cross_the_road/ | self.jokes | null | to ghetto the other side... | why did the chicken head cross the road? | 1 |
post | 30n3tm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,580,978 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n3tm/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_an_insomniac_an/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic? | 1 |
post | 30n3ri | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,580,947 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n3ri/what_do_you_call_a_jamaican_who_wears_glasses/ | self.jokes | null | Rastafoureyes | What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses? | 0 |
post | 30n2nr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,580,356 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n2nr/so_a_very_depressed_man_named_mike_walks_into_a/ | self.jokes | null | He sits at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks him what's wrong. " You see that huge suspension bridge?" "Yes," the bartender replied. "I designed that. It's the most sturdy bridge in the western hemisphere, but they don't call me the best bridge builder." "Why not?" The bartender said. Mike, not listening continued, " You know that huge house down the street? I placed the foundation myself. That house won't move for a thousand years, but they don't call me the best foundation layer. You can do all these great things and nobody ever remembers the good accomplishments about you." The bartender looks at him sadly and asks, "That's a huge shame, my friend. So what do they call you?" At that moment a new patron walks in and looks at Mike. His eyes widen and he shouts, " Look the goat - fucker is here!" | So a very depressed man named Mike walks into a bar... | 3 |
post | 30n2mp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,580,341 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n2mp/finished_or_complete/ | self.jokes | null | When a man finds the right woman he is complete. When a man finds the wrong woman he is finished.
When the right woman catches the man with the wrong woman he is completely finished. | Finished or complete? | 4 |
post | 30n25z | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,580,086 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n25z/i_fucked_a_girl_for_1_hour_and_45_seconds_tonight/ | self.jokes | null | Thanks daylight savings | I fucked a girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds tonight | 33 |
post | 30n1zq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,579,992 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n1zq/why_did_the_scarecrow_receive_a_nobel_prize/ | self.jokes | null | He was outstanding in his field. | Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize? | 14 |
post | 30n1zd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,579,985 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n1zd/why_does_pop_have_bubbles/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why does pop have bubbles? | 0 |
post | 30n0q7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,579,312 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n0q7/what_do_you_call_a_female_sex_change_operation/ | self.jokes | null | an addadicktome! | What do you call a female sex change operation? | 0 |
post | 30n0gk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,579,166 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n0gk/what_do_you_get_when_a_sunni_and_a_shia_muslim/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you get when a sunni and a shia muslim have a baby? | 0 |
post | 30n0a5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,579,079 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30n0a5/as_a_russian/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | As a russian... | 1 |
post | 30mzv0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,844 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mzv0/grandma_has_golfers_by_the_balls/ | self.jokes | null | A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me constable."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me - kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me £ 20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
She replied: "Not everybody pays!!! | Grandma has golfers by the balls.. | 111 |
post | 30mzm0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,720 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mzm0/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/ | self.jokes | null | Kermit The Frog's fingers. | What's green and smells like bacon? | 88 |
post | 30mzi6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,659 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mzi6/i_used_to_be_really_good_at_reading_braille/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I used to be really good at reading braille | 1 |
post | 30mz69 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,492 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mz69/what_ethnic_group_do_cannibals_eat_on_thanksgiving/ | self.jokes | null | Turkish | What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving? | 7 |
post | 30myon | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,225 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30myon/did_you_hear_that_the_pope_might_quit/ | self.jokes | null | I guess there's just not enough altar boys to go around in the Vatican | Did you hear that the Pope might quit? | 0 |
post | 30mymq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,206 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mymq/why_kale_green/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why kale green? | 1 |
post | 30myjr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,578,166 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30myjr/camping_with_grandpa/ | self.jokes | null | When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." | Camping with grandpa | 3 |
post | 30my3f | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,577,921 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30my3f/whats_the_quickest_way_to_a_mans_heart/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What's the quickest way to a man's heart? | 4 |
post | 30mxds | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,577,524 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mxds/what_do_you_call_four_mexicans_who_are_drowning/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you call four Mexicans who are drowning? | 1 |
post | 30mwsv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,577,211 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mwsv/there_are_10_types_of_people_in_the_world/ | self.jokes | null | Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in ternary | There are 10 types of people in the world | 4 |
post | 30mwgx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,577,040 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mwgx/so_i_went_for_a_check_up_to_my_urologist/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | So i went for a check up to my urologist... | 1 |
post | 30mvk4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,576,565 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mvk4/how_many_jews_does_it_take_to_start_a_hurricane/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | How many Jews does it take to start a hurricane? | 1 |
post | 30mv1k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,576,279 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mv1k/soon_to_be_123/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Soon to be 123 | 1 |
post | 30mu2d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,760 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mu2d/what_do_you_call_an_egyptian_surprise_attack/ | self.jokes | null | A Tut offensive. | What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? | 0 |
post | 30mtwh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,660 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mtwh/how_did_feminism_start/ | self.jokes | null | Some guy forgot to lock the kitchen door | How did feminism start? | 26 |
post | 30mttd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,617 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mttd/so_a_mathematician_physicist_and_chemist/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | So a mathematician, physicist, and chemist | 0 |
post | 30mt5g | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,254 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mt5g/a_joke_for_those_who_like_storyjokes/ | self.jokes | null | A man goes to a bar that he frequents a few times a week. He sits down and enjoys a few drinks, making conversation with the bartender. As the night goes on and the bar begins to empty out, he notices that he's hearing some really exceptional piano music. Looking around the bar, there are no speakers, no juke box, nothing that he can see that would be creating the music.
Guy: "Hey, bartender, where's this music coming from? It's some of the best piano music I've ever heard."
Bartender: "Look on top of the bar over there."
As the man looks down, at the end of the bar, well ON the bar really, there's a little man playing a grand piano roughly the size of a laptop. The player himself can't be more than 1-2 feet tall, and the man is absolutely baffled.
Guy: "Woah, where did you find such a small person who can play a piano THAT well?"
Bartender: "I wished for him with my genie! Here, give it a try."
Placing a lamp in front of the man, the bartender goes back to washing some dishes and serving a few other regulars. At first, the man is just in awe that the bartender would be such an ass as to suggest a genie gave him a piano player for the bar. But, just for shits and giggles, he rubs the lamp.
A genie pops out, and scares the guy half to death. The genie says "I will grant you any 1 wish."
The man thinks it over, and then says "I would like you to fill up this bar with money, so that everyone here can go home rich." The genie looks at the man, looks around the bar, and claps his hands, saying "Your wish is my command."
The man excitedly spins around, and to his dismay the entire bar is filled with honey. Sticky. Fucking. Honey.
Guy: "Really? What the hell!? I get one wish and the damn genie doesn't even take the time to listen to what I say?!?"
Bartender" "Yeah, I'm sorry, I really should have said something. The genie is actually a little hard of hearing. I mean, do you really think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" | A joke for those who like story-jokes | 2 |
post | 30mt2d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,212 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mt2d/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_swam_into_the_wall/ | self.jokes | null | Damn | What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? | 1 |
post | 30mstf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,575,074 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mstf/grandfather_clock_and_a_drunk/ | self.jokes | null | A guy is coming out of an antique clock shop with a new grandfather clock as a drunk comes stumbling down the street. The guy bumps into the drunk, falls down, and busts the clock all to pieces. The guy gets up and says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk says,"Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"
Source: Willie Nelson told this joke on Jimmy Kimmel last week. Link in comments. | Grandfather Clock and a Drunk | 0 |
post | 30msel | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,574,860 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30msel/there_was_a_little_old_jewish_man_who_was_having/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | There was a little old Jewish man who was having trouble with his private parts. | 1 |
post | 30mrwi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,574,588 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mrwi/whats_green_and_smells_like_bacon/ | self.jokes | null | Kermit's fingers | What's green and smells like bacon? | 0 |
post | 30mrj2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,574,400 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mrj2/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | How do you titillate an ocelot? | 2 |
post | 30mqxs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,574,099 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mqxs/a_man_is_walking_on_the_sidewalk_when_he_hears_a/ | self.jokes | null | He looks to his right, and there's a ladder leaning up against a tall building. Again he hears the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." So he gets on the ladder and starts climbing. Again--louder now--he hears: "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reaches the top of the building and finds another man who's completely naked. "Hi. I'm Cess." | A man is walking on the sidewalk when he hears a distant voice say "Climb the ladder to success" | 1 |
post | 30mqnc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,942 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mqnc/my_little_girl_was_staring_at_the_letters_on_my/ | self.jokes | null | she's very QRS about the alphabet.... I'll see myself out. | My little girl was staring at the letters on my coffee mug | 1 |
post | 30mpsd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,504 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mpsd/grandfather_clock_and_a_drunk/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Grandfather Clock and a Drunk | 1 |
post | 30mps0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,500 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mps0/did_you_hear_about_the_blonde_who_got_detention/ | self.jokes | null | She told the teacher she wanted to go down in history... | Did you hear about the blonde who got detention for flirting with boys in class? | 4 |
post | 30mphv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,372 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mphv/what_do_you_call_a_joke_that_has_been_internet/ | self.jokes | null | The Game. | What do you call a joke that has been internet obsolete for a while? | 5 |
post | 30mpcf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,292 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mpcf/an_engineer_is_driving_along_a_deserted_road_to/ | self.jokes | null | When his car suddenly stops. He goes out and tries to see if he can find the problem. When he opens the engine, he finds that a gas cylinder cracked open. Because he's an engineer, he gets a soldering kit out to see if he can patch it up.
After he gets the soldering kit, a bus full of natives stops up beside him.
"Hey, what's up man? You need a lift?" One of them says
The man stops for a second, then calmly replies "No, piston broke."
"So are we, hop in!" | An engineer is driving along a deserted road to his cottage... | 1 |
post | 30mott | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,573,039 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mott/what_do_the_british_say_when_theyre_flirting/ | self.jokes | null | U wan'a m8? | What do the British say when they're flirting? | 0 |
post | 30mnog | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,572,449 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mnog/why_wasnt_michael_jackson_healthy/ | self.jokes | null | Artificial colouring. | Why wasn't Michael Jackson healthy? | 0 |
post | 30mnav | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,572,238 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mnav/later_tonight/ | self.jokes | null | I have to help a friend hang some blinds... I doubt they'll ever see it coming. | Later tonight... | 0 |
post | 30mn8s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,572,215 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mn8s/how_do_you_make_holy_water/ | self.jokes | null | You boil the hell out of it! | How do you make holy water? | 24 |
post | 30mlza | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,571,584 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mlza/if_girls_with_big_boobs_work_at_hooters_where_do/ | self.jokes | null | IHOP. | If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? | 2 |
post | 30mlp6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,571,438 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mlp6/how_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_sucker_for/ | self.jokes | null | Bingo. | How can you tell if someone is a sucker for clickbait? | 0 |
post | 30mlal | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,571,231 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mlal/what_gun_does_jesus_hate_the_most/ | self.jokes | null | The nail gun.
So sorry if this offends you
Credit to the /r/pka podcast | What gun does Jesus hate the most? | 16 |
post | 30mkzp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,571,081 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mkzp/a_joke_about_a_bird/ | self.jokes | null | Eh, never mind. It would probably just go over your head. | A joke about a bird | 2 |
post | 30mkud | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,571,005 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mkud/einstein_newton_pascal_are_playing_hide_and_seek/ | self.jokes | null | Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal." | Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek | 155 |
post | 30mktp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,994 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mktp/69/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | 6.9 | 2 |
post | 30mkln | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,887 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mkln/so_i_went_to_catholic_school/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | So I went to catholic school... | 1 |
post | 30mk3k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,638 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mk3k/what_sex_position_makes_ugly_babies/ | self.jokes | null | Ask your parents | What sex position makes ugly babies? | 166 |
post | 30mjti | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,494 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mjti/did_you_know_that_it_took_airbus_a320_8_minutes/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Did you know that it took Airbus A320 8 minutes to plunge into the French Alps? | 0 |
post | 30mjho | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,349 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mjho/what_do_you_call_a_caboose_that_changes_its_gender/ | self.jokes | null | A trains-vestite. | What do you call a caboose that changes its gender? | 0 |
post | 30mjgc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,333 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mjgc/a_roast_beef_walks_into_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here" | A roast beef walks into a bar... | 8 |
post | 30mjcp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,570,283 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mjcp/why_cant_the_indian_police_beef_up/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why can't the indian police beef up? | 0 |
post | 30miqe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,944 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30miqe/gay_jokes_arent_funny/ | self.jokes | null | come on man | Gay jokes aren't funny | 0 |
post | 30micj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,748 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30micj/at_my_work_we_use_these_blue_paper_towels_to/ | self.jokes | null | So I was cleaning my machine when my friend asked me, if he could take some of my paper, instead of looking for the roll.
I told him no in a joking voice.
"Oh, you really don't share your stuff, huh?"
"No, I have a close relationship with my paper towels" | At my work we use these blue paper towels to clean the machines we use. | 0 |
post | 30mi7q | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,681 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mi7q/i_walked_down_a_street_where_the_houses_were/ | self.jokes | https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mi7q/i_walked_down_a_street_where_the_houses_were/ | null | I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. | 8 |
post | 30mi24 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,610 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mi24/whats_brown_and_sticky/ | self.jokes | null | A Stick | What's brown and sticky? | 1 |
post | 30mhlf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,353 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mhlf/how_did_the_constipated_accountant_finally_poop/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | How did the constipated accountant finally poop? | 1 |
post | 30mhh6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,287 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mhh6/david_wanted_a_set_of_of_twins_very_badly_so_he/ | self.jokes | null | David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"
"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."
David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"
"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The first day, you gotta play with her vagina, get her real fired up and horny. But stop there, don't have sex yet."
David stood in rapt attention.
"The second day, play with it again. Get her really turned on, use toys if you have to."
David was getting excited
"Now the third day, reallllly turn it up a notch. I'm talking about crank it up to eleven."
"Yeah! Yeah!" David interjected, "And the fourth day?!"
"The fourth day," Mike said, "on the fourth day, you call me." | David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice. | 9 |
post | 30mhb0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,569,206 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mhb0/internet_is_filled_with_girls_crying_over_zayn/ | self.jokes | null | Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday. | Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. | 0 |
post | 30mggr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,568,792 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mggr/whats_the_most_sensitive_protein/ | self.jokes | null | EMOglobin. | What's the most sensitive protein? | 3 |
post | 30mfy6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,568,545 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mfy6/hot_topics_is_one_of_the_only_jobs_more_likely_to/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Hot Topics is one of the only jobs more likely to hire you if you are dyeing. | 0 |
post | 30mf7f | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,568,162 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mf7f/why_did_a_stripper_run_for_mayor/ | self.jokes | null | Because she did great on the pole | Why did a Stripper run for mayor? | 1 |
post | 30mf4k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,568,117 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mf4k/women_are_like_hot_tubs/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Women are like hot tubs... | 0 |
post | 30meca | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,567,715 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30meca/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_trail_mix/ | self.jokes | null | With nuts. | I like my women like I like my trail mix... | 0 |
post | 30mebw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,567,709 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mebw/microsofts_newest_product/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Microsoft's newest product | 1 |
post | 30md9h | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,567,139 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30md9h/my_cremated_aunt_used_to_give_great_advice/ | self.jokes | null | She always told me that you have to urn your place in life. | My cremated aunt used to give great advice. | 1 |
post | 30md6v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,567,103 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30md6v/microsofts_latest_product/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Microsoft's latest product | 1 |
post | 30md2z | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,567,043 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30md2z/i_always_buy_build_your_own_2_pizzas_and_throw_5/ | self.jokes | null | 420 Blaze™ it. | I always buy Build Your Own 2 pizzas, and throw 5 of the 12 away. | 0 |
post | 30mcek | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,566,697 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mcek/i_went_to_a_norwegian_restaurant_the_other_day/ | self.jokes | null | The only problem was- I couldn't a-fjord it. | I went to a Norwegian restaurant the other day... | 2 |
post | 30mc22 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,566,500 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mc22/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/ | self.jokes | null | You can keep the tip. | What did the leper say to the prostitute? | 25 |
post | 30mbtj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,566,383 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mbtj/the_germanwings_plane_was_a_lot_like_a_small/ | self.jokes | null | You know, 'cause it was a pilot light | The Germanwings plane was a lot like a small flame used as an ignition source | 1 |
post | 30mba6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,566,115 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mba6/what_does_a_clam_do_on_his_birthday/ | self.jokes | null | He Shellabrates! | What does a clam do on his birthday? | 2 |