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post | 30mb6p | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,566,059 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30mb6p/indiana_is_like_an_adam_sandler_movie/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Indiana is like an Adam Sandler movie. | 1 |
post | 30maqe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,565,847 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30maqe/whats_brown_and_runny/ | self.jokes | null | Usain Bolt. | What's brown and runny? | 4 |
post | 30m9j3 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,565,243 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m9j3/court_joke/ | self.jokes | null | "After long deliberation and taking into account the evidence brought forth by the prosecution as well as the accounts of the eye-witnesses, not to mention the lack of any sensible argument or indeed the utter absence of remorse from your side, the jury has unanimously found you guilty on all counts and accordingly has decided to impose the maximum punishment of 30 years of imprisonment on you ", the judge said, as he announced the decision to the accused.
"So what are your views on the verdict?", the law teacher later asked the group of students that had witnessed the proceedings
"In my opinion", replied James with a look of disapproval on his face, "the sentence was too long" | Court joke | 1 |
post | 30m94x | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,565,036 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m94x/i_use_to_be_addicted_to_soap/ | self.jokes | null | I'm clean now | I use to be addicted to soap | 52 |
post | 30m8sk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,859 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m8sk/so_i_was_having_sex_with_a_girl_from_work/ | self.jokes | null | She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.
Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue. | So I was having sex with a girl from work... | 206 |
post | 30m8kx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,741 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m8kx/so_theres_a_truck_driver_and_his_wife/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | So there's a truck driver and his wife... | 5 |
post | 30m8bz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,600 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m8bz/what_do_you_call_a_lump_of_coal_and_a_diamond/ | self.jokes | null | Carbon Dating. | What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together? | 2 |
post | 30m7w5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,377 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7w5/what_did_the_pirate_say_when_he_had_a_steering/ | self.jokes | null | Arr! It's driving me nuts! | What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons? | 1 |
post | 30m7kk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,228 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7kk/why_was_jesus_not_born_in_west_virginia/ | self.jokes | null | Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state. | Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia? | 8 |
post | 30m7cu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,118 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7cu/a_programmers_wife_tells_him/ | self.jokes | null | "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source. | A programmers wife tells him... | 18 |
post | 30m7ch | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,564,113 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m7ch/arguing_with_an_irrational_person/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Arguing with an Irrational Person | 0 |
post | 30m6ta | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,563,855 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m6ta/what_do_you_call_the_act_of_lying_about_penis_size/ | self.jokes | null | A Phallacy | What do you call the act of lying about Penis size? | 36 |
post | 30m60w | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,563,463 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m60w/why_are_there_so_few_black_baseball_players/ | self.jokes | null | Because they keep stealing bases. | Why are there so few black baseball players? | 1 |
post | 30m4fe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,562,624 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m4fe/did_santa_get_that_for_you/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Did santa get that for you? | 1 |
post | 30m4cz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,562,593 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m4cz/what_do_you_call_a_fake_noodle/ | self.jokes | null | An impasta. | What do you call a fake noodle? | 11 |
post | 30m32b | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,561,942 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m32b/why_did_the_dyslexic_engineer_fail_college/ | self.jokes | null | Because he didn't understand psychics. | Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? | 53 |
post | 30m27u | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,561,487 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m27u/everything_you_wish_for_your_wife_gets_two_of/ | self.jokes | null | So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish, I asked to be beaten half to death. | Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of | 15 |
post | 30m1l5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,561,163 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m1l5/a_priest_and_a_rabbi_are_walking_down_a_road_when/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | A priest and a rabbi are walking down a road when they see a little boy. | 0 |
post | 30m1i0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,561,108 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m1i0/what_does_a_curry_and_a_bad_uncle_have_in_common/ | self.jokes | null | They both hurt your arsehole | What does a curry and a bad uncle have in common? | 1 |
post | 30m1hz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,561,108 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m1hz/how_do_you_make_a_tissue_dance/ | self.jokes | null | You put a boogey in it! | How do you make a tissue dance? | 1 |
post | 30m192 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,560,977 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m192/what_goes_clop_clop_clop_bang_bang_clop_clop_clop/ | self.jokes | null | An Amish drive-by shooting | What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP? | 33 |
post | 30m11q | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,560,877 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30m11q/what_do_you_get_when_you_combine_a_mountain/ | self.jokes | null | Nothing! You can't cross scalars and vectors. | What do you get when you combine a mountain climber with a mosquito? | 29 |
post | 30lzih | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,560,035 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lzih/well_one_day_when_i_was_young_i_woke_up_and/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Well one day, when I was young, I woke up and thought of this Knock knock...? | 0 |
post | 30lylq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,559,539 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lylq/spring_is_here_and_im_so_excited/ | self.jokes | null | That I wet my plants...
Ill see myself out | Spring is here and im so excited | 1 |
post | 30ly7v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,559,334 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ly7v/what_can_you_hear_but_never_see/ | self.jokes | null | Everything if you're Stevie Wonder | What can you hear but never see? | 2 |
post | 30ly0g | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,559,208 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ly0g/how_do_you_titillate_an_ocelot/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | How do you titillate an ocelot? | 14 |
post | 30lx43 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,558,712 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lx43/ive_had_a_tendency_to_prove_people_wrong_all_my/ | self.jokes | null | A friend told me he didn't understand how the universe worked, so I became a physicist and explained the wonders of the universe.
A friend of mine didn't understand how plants produce oxygen, so I became a botanist and explained to him the wonders of plants and ecosystems.
A friend didn't understand how math was necessary in life, so I became a mathematician and showed him just how much math is needed on a daily basis.
But one day, this same friend didn't think it felt good to give blow jobs.... | I've had a tendency to prove people wrong, all my life... | 1 |
post | 30lwjk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,558,435 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lwjk/hey_son_have_you_ever_seen_stevie_wonders_wife/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Hey son, have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife? | 0 |
post | 30lvzi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,558,120 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lvzi/hoot/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Hoot | 0 |
post | 30luqe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,557,421 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30luqe/knock_knock/ | self.jokes | null | Knock Knock
Whos there
Daisy
Daisy who
Daisy me rollin they hatin | Knock Knock | 1 |
post | 30luq7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,557,417 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30luq7/man_with_premature_ejaculation_seeks/ | self.jokes | null | Nevermind, I'm done. | Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman. | 66 |
post | 30lu4o | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,557,079 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lu4o/everytime_this_dude_goes_to_a_bar_he_orders_three/ | self.jokes | null | .. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.
Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask the man what was the deal with the three bears.
"You know" the bartender said, trying to be as casual as possible, to conceal his curiosity. "You take a little while to get from one beer to another, the next ones will be warm and washed-out. Why don't you order the first one beer at a time?"
The man listened to the question silently, gazing into one of the beers. He looks up and answers with a deep nostalgic voice tone:
"We used to be unseparable. My friends and I. When we were single, we would every night go to a bar, have our beers and chat. But destiny has it's own reasons, right? We had to drift apart for several reasons: marriage, work... but we swore that we would always keep the good old times alive by going to a bar, and ordering three beers.. knowing the others would be doing it too, wherever they are. My name is Peter, by the way."
The bartender was speechless. It was a damn good reason to do such a silly ritual. So he left the guy alone with his beers.
And every night, Peter would appear, order his three beers and chug them quietly in his little corner, without exchanging words with anyone except for the bartender, sometimes about life, sometimes tales about his friendship and the crazy shit they did together. Newman was a smooth ladies-man. Joshua was the one who did everyone laugh. Night after night, three beers in their honour. Then one night, Peter ordered only two beers.
The bartender looked to the man with a concerned look - Peter was visibly not alright, and with one beer less, this could only mean one thing: one of his friends had passed. Would it be Newman and his glorious dick? Would it be Joshua? Once again, his curiosity got the best of him.
"I'm very sorry, Peter. Which one? And.. what happened?"
"Nah, they're just fine, I just quit drinking."
*chugs* | Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers.. | 21 |
post | 30lsri | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,556,270 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lsri/i_popped_my_dads_viagra/ | self.jokes | null | now I'm hard as a motherfucker | I popped my dad's viagra | 5 |
post | 30lsi1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,556,102 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lsi1/why_do_men_like_haunted_bees/ | self.jokes | null | boobees ! :D
I'll show myself out. | Why do men like Haunted Bees? | 2 |
post | 30ls1b | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,555,829 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ls1b/my_dads_reasoning_for_wearing_sandals_to_church/ | self.jokes | null | Jesus wore sandals too. | My dad's reasoning for wearing sandals to Church | 1 |
post | 30lrx9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,555,777 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lrx9/the_tombstones_on_the_right_were_identical_to_the/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The tombstones on the right were identical to the ones on the left | 0 |
post | 30lqfm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,554,903 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lqfm/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/ | self.jokes | null | Artificial Swedeners | What do you call immigrants to Sweden? | 6,396 |
post | 30lpv6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,554,540 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lpv6/so_there_was_this_guy/ | self.jokes | null | And he was lost in the woods for days eventually he finds this random 2 floor wodden shack and he goes and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man answers who looks like he was alive when the dinosours ruled the earth.
The young man who was lost explained his situation and begged for food and water.
The old man agreed on the condition that the young man didn't make a move on his sister or he would face the three worst Chinese tortures. Looking at how old the man was the you man agreed and was let in. He was taken to a spare room and stayed there until dinner.
When he came down for dinner there was this gorgeous specimen an 11/10 girl and the young man couldn't keep his eyes off her but remembering the old mans threat he did his best not to look. However, the entire meal the girl was obviously flirting with him and so the young man ran to his room.
Hours passed but the man couldn't sleep he could only think about the girl. Eventually he said fuck it and would risk the old mans wrath. So he snuck into the girls room and proceeded to have the best sex he had ever had and the crept back to his room.
The next morning the man woke to find a heavy rock on his chest with a note that said "Chinese torture #1 rock on chest". The rock was painful but if this was the best the old man had then the young man could survive.
At that moment the old man came into the room picked up the rock and threw it out the window and pointed to a sign under the window. " Chinese totrure #2 rock tied to left testicle".
The young man without thinking jumped out the window after the rock thinking a few broken bones was better than losing a nut.
It was as he was falling to the ground that the young man saw the third sign "Chinese torture #3 right testicle tied to bed post", | So there was this guy | 75 |
post | 30lpjz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,554,341 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lpjz/feeling_very_homesick/ | self.jokes | null | It has shingles. | Feeling very homesick. | 2 |
post | 30lpfc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,554,258 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lpfc/what_do_you_call_two_roosters_having_a_fight/ | self.jokes | null | A Cock-a-Doodle-Duel! | What do you call two roosters having a fight? | 18 |
post | 30lp4q | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,554,066 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lp4q/a_man_walks_into_a_chinese_restaurant/ | self.jokes | null | He tells the waiter, "I am starving, and I need tons of food. What ya got?"
The waiter replies, "oh sir we have tons! We have orange chicken, jumbo shrimp, egg rolls, and Dim sum!"
...dim sum... din sum... den sum... IT'S FUNNY! | A man walks into a Chinese restaurant. | 0 |
post | 30lomh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,553,757 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lomh/so_a_jewish_boy_walks_into_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | mitzvah | So a jewish boy walks into a bar | 3 |
post | 30lno9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,553,144 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lno9/why_was_the_easter_egg_so_happy/ | self.jokes | null | He just got laid by some chick! | Why was the Easter Egg so happy? | 6 |
post | 30lnim | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,553,043 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lnim/saying_sniggers_isnt_very_politically_correct/ | self.jokes | null | I now say laughrican americans. | Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct | 11 |
post | 30lnfm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,552,993 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lnfm/how_do_you_know_if_someones_an_engineer_without/ | self.jokes | null | Don't worry they'll tell you | How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them? | 1 |
post | 30llys | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,983 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30llys/i_know_the_kids_dont_like_you_and_pick_on_you_but/ | self.jokes | null | you're the teacher! | I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school... | 9 |
post | 30llx0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,947 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30llx0/why_cant_miss_piggy_count_to_70/ | self.jokes | null | Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat. | Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? | 496 |
post | 30llkw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,736 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30llkw/what_do_vegetarian_dogs_eat/ | self.jokes | null | Bark! | What do vegetarian dogs eat? | 1 |
post | 30ll3d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,416 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ll3d/why_wont_microsoft_hire_any_maids/ | self.jokes | null | Because they don't do Windows | Why won't Microsoft hire any maids? | 0 |
post | 30lkzf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,349 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lkzf/why_cant_a_prostitute_count_to_70/ | self.jokes | null | Because 69's a mouthful. | Why can't a prostitute count to 70? | 3 |
post | 30lkwk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,296 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lkwk/airline_food_is_terrible/ | self.jokes | null | Said the Malaysian shark. | Airline food is terrible | 1 |
post | 30lkty | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,551,242 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lkty/the_milk_man/ | self.jokes | null | A milkman is out on his normal rounds when he comes to Ms. Johnson's door step. He notices a note on the door reading: "Larry, Please leave 15 gallons of milk today." Thinking this was a mistake he promptly knocked on the door to see if Ms. Johnson was home. Sure enough, she opened the door to greet Larry. "I'm sorry to bother you Ms. Johnson but I didn't feel right leaving 15 gallons of milk here without making sure that's what you want. Did you mean to write 1.5 gallons?" "No Larry," she replied "I'm going to take a milk bath today and I need 15 gallons to do so." Larry smiles and says "Ok then, that's not a problem at all. In that case, would you like the milk pasteurized?" "No, just up to my tits. Thanks"
Edit: Fixed milk "bath" | The Milk Man | 4 |
post | 30lkfs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,550,985 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lkfs/probably_old_but_one_of_my_favorites/ | self.jokes | null | A husband and wife get into a horrible car accident. They are taken to the emergency room. The doctor says to the husband, "you seem to have come out of the accident without a scratch. However, your wife is not so lucky. She has multiple lifelong, debilitating injuries. Because of her condition you will have to feed her, bathe her, dress her and do pretty much everything else for her as long as you are together." Naturally, the husband starts crying uncontrollably. The doctor laughs and says, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead." | Probably old but one of my favorites. | 16 |
post | 30ljr5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,550,497 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ljr5/4_guys_are_hanging_out/ | self.jokes | null | And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, "let's take a cat and let's rape it." The Sadist says "let's take the cat, rape it, and then stab it." The arsonist says "let's take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire." After a long pause, the masochist says "meow." | 4 guys are hanging out | 59 |
post | 30ljh7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,550,270 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ljh7/my_friend_gav_died_of_heartburn_the_other_day/ | self.jokes | null | Gaviscon | My friend Gav died of heartburn the other day | 1 |
post | 30liko | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,549,581 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30liko/what_did_satan_worshippers_have_for_breakfast/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What did satan worshippers have for breakfast? | 1 |
post | 30liaq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,549,385 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30liaq/shat_do_you_call_a_cow_with_no_legs/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Shat do you call a cow with no legs? | 0 |
post | 30lgsq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,548,177 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lgsq/what_do_you_call_a_tv_show_about_sentient_russian/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you call a TV show about sentient Russian spacecraft attempting performance art? | 6 |
post | 30lg4y | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,547,635 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lg4y/did_you_hear_about_shark_jesus/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Did you hear about Shark Jesus? | 0 |
post | 30lg3p | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,547,606 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lg3p/i_just_told_the_girl_ive_been_seeing_for_2_years/ | self.jokes | null | she's a bitch | I just told the girl I've been seeing for 2 years how I've felt about her. | 5 |
post | 30lexd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,546,586 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lexd/how_can_tell_your_roommate_is_gay/ | self.jokes | null | His dick tastes like shit. | How can tell your roommate is gay? | 0 |
post | 30letk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,546,477 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30letk/what_did_the_pedophile_say_when_he_was_released/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? | 7 |
post | 30lerq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,546,431 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lerq/singers_worry_about_catching_laryngitis/ | self.jokes | null | ...but laryngitis worries about catching Tom Waits. | Singers worry about catching laryngitis... | 5 |
post | 30le6f | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,545,881 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30le6f/what_is_the_difference_between_an_old_knife_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | what is the difference between an old knife and a nagging wife? | 0 |
post | 30ldv9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,545,563 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ldv9/a_mafia_godfather/ | self.jokes | null | ... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." | A Mafia Godfather... | 663 |
post | 30ld99 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,544,955 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ld99/i_finally_got_hired_at_the_local_adult_store/ | self.jokes | null | First day on the job I got a raise! | I finally got hired at the local adult store | 98 |
post | 30lcvj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,544,596 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lcvj/a_blind_rabbit_and_a_blind_snake/ | self.jokes | null | A blind rabbit and a blind snake are roaming around in the woods. The rabbit trips over the snake and the rabbit says "Watch out where you're going! I'm blind"
"Wow, what a coincidence" says the snake. "I'm blind too! What are you?"
"I don't know, I've always been blind why don't you feel me?" says the rabbit
So the snake crawls across the rabbit and says "Oh, long ears, bushy tail, you must be a rabbit! Now you feel me"
So the rabbit starts feeling the snake. "Oh, you're a slippery, slimy, disgusting creature. You must be a politician!"
| A blind rabbit and a blind snake | 5 |
post | 30lcii | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,544,270 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lcii/the_energizer_bunny_as_been_arrested/ | self.jokes | null | He was charged with battery.
EDIT: "H" key on my damn keyborad. | The Energizer bunny as been arrested! | 6 |
post | 30lcgr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,544,217 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lcgr/if_udoubledickdude_was_a_math_equation/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | If /u/doubledickdude was a math equation... | 11 |
post | 30lc24 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,543,827 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lc24/the_feminist_hooker/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The Feminist hooker. | 0 |
post | 30lbi0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,543,262 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lbi0/why_do_hippies_wave_their_arms_around_at_concerts/ | self.jokes | null | To keep the music out of their eyes. | Why do hippies wave their arms around at concerts? | 6 |
post | 30lato | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,542,553 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lato/you_know_whats_the_problem_with_proctologists/ | self.jokes | null | They always butt in. | You know whats the problem with Proctologists.... | 3 |
post | 30la8w | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,541,960 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30la8w/the_story_of_the_copilot_shows_what_happens_if/ | self.jokes | null | You will just bring down others | The story of the co-pilot shows what happens if you don't deal with depresion | 0 |
post | 30la85 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,541,926 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30la85/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_everybody_got/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | I farted in the Apple store and everybody got pissed. | 1 |
post | 30l9vm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,541,544 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l9vm/winrarrar/ | self.jokes | https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l9vm/winrarrar/ | null | winrar.rar | 0 |
post | 30l9k3 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,541,228 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l9k3/sherlock_watson_go_camping_best_joke_ever/ | self.jokes | null | ONE of the BEST JOKES EVER!! Hasn't been posted in the last 3 days.. so here it goes!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
| Sherlock & Watson go Camping! Best joke ever | 36 |
post | 30l8o5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,540,322 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l8o5/i_hate_hipsters/ | self.jokes | null | Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters | I hate hipsters | 15 |
post | 30l7ie | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,538,923 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l7ie/i_was_going_to_attend_the_clairvoyants_meeting/ | self.jokes | null | "...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events." | "I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..." | 10 |
post | 30l70c | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,538,339 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l70c/whats_the_difference_between_a_lamborghini_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person | What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? | 4 |
post | 30l5bs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,536,381 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l5bs/oil_boom_jokes/ | self.jokes | null | I live in williston nd the center of a big oil boom where the male to female ratio is ridiculous. Making the men rather desperate. Being a fairly attractive female I get hit on relentlessly. So when men start staring at me in the bar I loudly say ,"what? You never seen a tranny before?" Lol in hopes to deter them. I told my buddy " when I go to the bathroom tell this stranger next to me, if you're going to roofie her use 2 she's building a tolerance. Rumors of rape of male n females are abundant and whispers of men stalking women at Walmart are not uncommon either. We'll I have been here 9 years and no one has tried to rape me. I'm getting kind of offended. Haha not that I wanna be raped but someone could at least try. | Oil boom jokes | 0 |
post | 30l4qc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,535,667 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l4qc/hows_a_forwardly_plural_hitler_hailed_as/ | self.jokes | null | Shitler | Hows a forwardly plural Hitler hailed as? | 0 |
post | 30l4bk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,535,149 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l4bk/what_do_you_get_when_you_have_barbie_dolls/ | self.jokes | null | A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/
I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion. | What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line? | 21 |
post | 30l3n0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,534,299 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l3n0/why_doesnt_santa_claus_have_any_kids/ | self.jokes | null | He only comes once a year | Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? | 54 |
post | 30l35g | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,533,736 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l35g/i_was_speaking_to_my_friend/ | self.jokes | null | He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said "Not on my watch" | I was speaking to my friend | 3 |
post | 30l337 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,533,646 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l337/a_russian_couples_nightly_ritual/ | self.jokes | null | Every evening for 20 years, when Mikhail and Valentina would go to bed, they would take a bottle of vodka out of the nightstand, pour a shot for each, knock it back, and go to sleep.
One night before bed, Mikhail goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and admire the beautiful night. But when he turns on the tap, out pops a genie.
"Mikhail, today you have been granted one wish. Think carefully what you want most in life, and it will be yours."
Mikhail takes a moment to think about it. He makes his decision, and tells the genie who says, "It is done!" The genie claps his hands and disappears in a puff of smoke.
Off Mikahil goes to the bedroom. Valentina reaches over to open the nightstand as she has done for the past 20 years, but Mikhail closes it. Valentina stares at her husband and says, "Mikhail, I don't understand. Every night for the last two decades we have had this tradition. Why the sudden change?"
With a smile Mikhail drops his pajamas to the floor and says, "Tonight my love, you drink straight from the bottle." | A Russian Couple's Nightly Ritual | 5 |
post | 30l2k0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,533,029 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l2k0/i_was_pretty_shocked_when_my_dad_came_out_of_the/ | self.jokes | https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30l2k0/i_was_pretty_shocked_when_my_dad_came_out_of_the/ | null | I was pretty shocked when my dad came out of the closet. Now I can only wonder if my other dad knows. | 8 |
post | 30kzwk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,530,098 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kzwk/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? | 0 |
post | 30kz75 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,529,384 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kz75/why_cant_mexicans_play_uno/ | self.jokes | null | They always steal the green cards. | Why can't Mexicans play Uno? | 86 |
post | 30kxor | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,527,821 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kxor/dont_ever_look_in_the_drawer/ | self.jokes | null | After getting married the new wife moves in with her husband in his house. He gives her the guided tour of the house and tells her that she can open/use anything EXCEPT she is never to open one chest of drawers.
They're happily married for 50 years before the wife's curiosity finally gets the better of her and she opens the chest of drawers to find it full almost to the top with $100 bills and three golf balls.
She confronts her husband with the fact that she eventually opened the drawers and ask him about the golf balls to which he replies:
"Honey, I wish you hadnt done that but the truth be told every time I cheated on you I put a golf ball in the drawer"
She thinks to herself that three times in 50 years is not bad, not great but not bad so she asks him about the money and he replies
"Well, whenever I had twelve balls I'd sell them!" | Dont ever look in the drawer! | 2 |
post | 30kx37 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,527,229 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kx37/why_did_dwarf_laugh_when_he_walked_through_a/ | self.jokes | null | Because the grass tickled his willy :) | Why did dwarf laugh when he walked through a paddock? | 4 |
post | 30kw58 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,526,310 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kw58/i_did_use_your_wifei_feel_sorry_now/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | I did use your WIFE..I feel sorry now! | 1 |
post | 30kvz8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,526,120 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kvz8/a_math_joke/ | self.jokes | null | P1: knock knock.
P2: who's there?
P1: Deedee who.
P2: Deedee who who?
P1: one. | A math joke? | 3 |
post | 30kv73 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,525,385 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kv73/whats_the_downside_of_being_a_redneck_kid_at/ | self.jokes | null | You only get presents from one set of grandparents. | What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas? | 6 |
post | 30kuit | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,524,795 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kuit/say_this_to_your_most_hate_friend/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Say this to your most hate friend. | 3 |
post | 30ktvu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,524,239 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ktvu/how_can_you_get_hundreds_of_women_wet_all_at_once/ | self.jokes | null | Go to a john mayer concert! | How can you get hundreds of women wet all at once? | 0 |
post | 30ksax | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,522,941 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ksax/why_is_c_afraid_of_every_other_letter_in_the/ | self.jokes | null | Because they are not Cs. | Why is C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet? | 0 |
post | 30kry2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,522,666 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kry2/what_did_honey_boo_boos_father_say_after_he_didnt/ | self.jokes | null | Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo. | What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? | 0 |
post | 30kruv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,522,586 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kruv/who_was_mako_moris_existentialist_monk_brother/ | self.jokes | null | Memento. | Who was Mako Mori's existentialist monk brother? | 0 |
post | 30krpf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,522,484 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30krpf/why_did_god_bless_texas/ | self.jokes | null | He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris. | Why did God bless Texas? | 0 |
post | 30kq0n | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,521,124 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30kq0n/so_i_was_fucking_this_midget_with_one_arm_nsfw/ | self.jokes | null | Boy, is my arm tired. | So i was fucking this midget with one arm (nsfw) | 0 |